Sorry I haven't been here....miss you guys....but it's been one of those weeks/months even...my bad attitude wouldn't be helpful, and I'd hate to say the wrong thing to a new comer.
This is nice...now I'm a year and ten months clean....no big whoop....today is my birthday...which I don't give a s*it about....I told anyone who was talking about it...just don't acknowldege it...thanks for all the dinner invites, and all, but I am ignoring it...so this morning my friend drove my daughter to school...he comes to the dorr, and hands me a card, and says Happy Birthday....I mumbled thanks....he siad there's no money in the card....so don't expect any.
I said I told you not to even freaking acknowledge it....meanwhile my kid is just zooming out the door...he goes you'll never be trustable.
My mom hears this, and says....I'll give you a treat....I'll give you money to go get your hair professionaly colored, and cut.....which I know was a response like "I trust you with money"....I said thanks, but no thanks...then she goes into a long thing about how I am letting myself go, and my hair's a mess, and all that gray is not necessary....you know what I don't give a flying F...I really don't.
Bottom line I ain't using.....of course I WANT to....I won't, but how damn long does it take to gain trust...I feel like saying...dude I have the key to your place..I know where $1,000 is hidden...if i was getting high that'd been long gone.....and to my mom...you trust me so much that's why you walk around 24/7 with your envelope of money down your pants....and hid all the jewelry to this day....I know where it is....but she thinks it's sooooo hidden.
It's not heroin or meth or alcohol.....it's life, and it s*cks....I really don't see anyone happy at all in this world...not people of privledge...not my neighbors.
Not my family....nobody...fake crap on TV sure, but no wonder people do heroin to erase this mundane crap.
Plus this Terry Hatcher thing....my mom keeps yelling to me anytime they put it on....come look....OMG this poor woman, but she got her abuser/pervert put in jail....yeah because a little girl just killed herself over being molested...she's like no she had the courage to go to court to testify...and starts f**king telling me s*it I already know or that is incorrect....I know she means well, but come on that never goes away.....and ummmmmm my freakening rapist is dead.
Like are you saying now MOM.....I should have taken him to court when I finally told...I mean I was frigging eight and told when I was in my late thirties....I f*cking hate people....all of them, and life sucks....just don't use.
Bryn
Let it all girl dont keep things - -cking bottled up.
This world is --cked up but the thing is we are still in it.
We have our children and they come before anything and anyone.
We have made mistakes big time and so will our children.
We are drug free and we want our children to be drug free.
If it was,nt for people like us (clean) and passing on our experiences.
The world be worst than what it is today.
I know you did,nt want anybody to say it but i am going to.
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y
And may you have many more
Thinking of ya
Emily
Let it all girl dont keep things - -cking bottled up.
This world is --cked up but the thing is we are still in it.
We have our children and they come before anything and anyone.
We have made mistakes big time and so will our children.
We are drug free and we want our children to be drug free.
If it was,nt for people like us (clean) and passing on our experiences.
The world be worst than what it is today.
I know you did,nt want anybody to say it but i am going to.
H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y
And may you have many more
Thinking of ya
Emily
Happy Birthday.....
Yeah I know you would rather we all ignore it, but this is your day. Find something wonderful today, and enjoy it all.....
I am sorry about what is up. Your mom still with the money hidden, jewelry kinda makes a whole lot of sense from this side of things. She really only knows what she knows. And is reacting based on that. I wonder if she has any guilt over hiding things, I do.
With the hubby I never hid anything, just locked the money up......With my son it is fort knox just encase, how sad it all is. My husband could have sold s*** over and over, he never once did, my son stole from me flat out. I can't let that happen again. This isn't me it is the girls, it all in time trickles down to what they miss out through no fault of thier own. That is so unfair to me, and it is why I do what I do.
Yet I hate that control, that the money is in my name, even though he wanted it that way, we talked about all of it. I hate what I just had to do with a big chunk of change, moving into an account for vacation yet again in my name. It hurt to hear him tell the lady at the bank, in the boredom I would run through that all to quickly. It is safer this way.
The strangest thing though is if he wanted to use, anyone did. Locking stuff up would never stop that from happening. Just make it a bit harer, and maybe in a way that is a good thing. Takes the impulsiveness away......
Try not to let this rent space. She is reacting based on what life became. You can't really fault her for that. Stay in the now and live the best you can. No one but no one can expect you to be anyone but just you......
Be good to yourself today,
Love,
Tina
Yeah I know you would rather we all ignore it, but this is your day. Find something wonderful today, and enjoy it all.....
I am sorry about what is up. Your mom still with the money hidden, jewelry kinda makes a whole lot of sense from this side of things. She really only knows what she knows. And is reacting based on that. I wonder if she has any guilt over hiding things, I do.
With the hubby I never hid anything, just locked the money up......With my son it is fort knox just encase, how sad it all is. My husband could have sold s*** over and over, he never once did, my son stole from me flat out. I can't let that happen again. This isn't me it is the girls, it all in time trickles down to what they miss out through no fault of thier own. That is so unfair to me, and it is why I do what I do.
Yet I hate that control, that the money is in my name, even though he wanted it that way, we talked about all of it. I hate what I just had to do with a big chunk of change, moving into an account for vacation yet again in my name. It hurt to hear him tell the lady at the bank, in the boredom I would run through that all to quickly. It is safer this way.
The strangest thing though is if he wanted to use, anyone did. Locking stuff up would never stop that from happening. Just make it a bit harer, and maybe in a way that is a good thing. Takes the impulsiveness away......
Try not to let this rent space. She is reacting based on what life became. You can't really fault her for that. Stay in the now and live the best you can. No one but no one can expect you to be anyone but just you......
Be good to yourself today,
Love,
Tina
Happy birthday, Bryn. Take up your mum's offer and go get your hair done...you deserve to have a great birthday. Ignore those who are stuck in the past, Bryn. You know who you are now, and in the end that's all that really matters. You have to trust you...and that's all. Miss you. luv corrinne
P.S. Had a couple birthdays where my daughter ignored me too. Write it off to being young and self-centered. When she's older, she's going to understand your journey.
P.S. Had a couple birthdays where my daughter ignored me too. Write it off to being young and self-centered. When she's older, she's going to understand your journey.
.Bryn..Happy Birthday from me and charley !!.
..To be honest i don,t think we,ll ever be trusted to the level we,d want to be again..maybe im wrong..but it will always be in the back of their mind the things
that we have done to our family/friends..it is just a human condition that they will still think like that.Maybe she dose,nt wanna leave temptation in front of you
but its having the opposite affect on you.And of course it pisses you off..maybe it not so much as you proving you have changed but it would be nice for you to show your mum you have changed and that she can leave stuff around without it going for a walk..i don,t know..im just tryna make some kind of sense of it for ya..Maybe it don,t make sense..maybe your thinking..Robbie wtf are you talking about.this don,t make sense at all.haha!!..But at the end of the day bryn..As long as your true to yourself then theres not a lot you can do until others around you change their outlook on you.!!..Its cool if you don,t wanna acknowledge your birthday..but make the best of a bad day if you can..and don,t be to hard on yourself over sumfin you can,t control..take it easy on yourself bryn..miss ya to..Robbie..
..To be honest i don,t think we,ll ever be trusted to the level we,d want to be again..maybe im wrong..but it will always be in the back of their mind the things
that we have done to our family/friends..it is just a human condition that they will still think like that.Maybe she dose,nt wanna leave temptation in front of you
but its having the opposite affect on you.And of course it pisses you off..maybe it not so much as you proving you have changed but it would be nice for you to show your mum you have changed and that she can leave stuff around without it going for a walk..i don,t know..im just tryna make some kind of sense of it for ya..Maybe it don,t make sense..maybe your thinking..Robbie wtf are you talking about.this don,t make sense at all.haha!!..But at the end of the day bryn..As long as your true to yourself then theres not a lot you can do until others around you change their outlook on you.!!..Its cool if you don,t wanna acknowledge your birthday..but make the best of a bad day if you can..and don,t be to hard on yourself over sumfin you can,t control..take it easy on yourself bryn..miss ya to..Robbie..
Yeah...I know what you guys mean...amd thanks....it's the black hole ya know.
Plus at this point this little piece of s*it kid....little MOFO did not say a word...I mean I do not expect a card or evena cake...I really don't....she did this to my mom too I mean I don't care about me, but on my mom's birthday this sixteen year old little b**** did not acknowledge my mom's birthday....I can even see she heard me saying I don't care....but man wouldn't someone i mean I had friends whose mother's took the Fing lunch money every single day for booxze...friends whose father's molested them wehn they were drunk....still they'd acknowledge it's their fing parent.
I have crazy neighbors.....I always watch her walk up to work.....she just walked out i swear to God....ya know what......I AM GLAD I DID HEROIN...I'm GLAD THIS LITTLE b**** SUFFERED><.........stingy b****.
We just allowed her boyfriend to stay....AND my ex husband who not ONCE in his entire fing life took her to a Doctor or called her in sick at school....wrote a note giving her off......four days cause this boyfriend is in college.....and spring break........I was PO'd....still though she's getting inducted into all this National Honor Scoiety thing........but he had no right to do that.......I wasn't fighting him for it, but she got what she wanted.....now in the pitch dark in Philly this boyfriend was here......she goes with the coat on the other night.....at 10:00PM.
I go where do you think you're going....to rent a movie....I said will is Blank going with you.....NO.........I mean I spent my mother fing life watching out this kid didn't get grabbed up or anything happen to her.....I walk the three blocks to get her from work if it's dark.........yoiu knowe what F that/..........kids I"m glad now...i really am I'm glad i stole her money...and her jewelry and she's alousy Biotch.......while this 6 foot kid was here my granny's house is getting emptied, and my Uncle has trucks full of crap heavy coming in here....well guess what i told her keep your shoes on you need to help us....look at mom-mom she can't be doing all this........at this point too i don't give a sh*t about my mom either.
Stupid a**..you wanna do crap with blood pressure 230/190 you stupid a**....and kiss this kids a**........go ahead.....anyway i told her to help.
Turns to me and says.........WTF.....calm down I'll help I'm getting blank a snack....I almost smacked her teeth out with the phone...thank god I curb my temper.....then my mom is all....no no no don't hit her...come on are you kidding?
Amnesia maybe.......I got my five stictches in my lip.....why.....because I didn't make President of student council....in high schoool....same frigging lady I never answered back......out of 1,000 some girls all four years I was voted in for student council....I was one of six for office my last year....because I only made treasurer which meant fourth.....she put me against the fridge, and took a brush and smacked me in the mouth...then proceeded to punch me in the mouth...I never answered her back........ONCE she called me to come in the house...I was on my won steps with my girls.....like 12 or so...I said "One second Ma"....she came out on the steps....took my hair, and bounced my head up two flights of Philly rowhouse concrete steps....to this day my old girlfriends still say "Whoa man I would never tell your mom to wait"...now i get told WTF while some kid is using my home as his spring break....and my mom jumps ion telling me not to correct her.........it's no fing use.
You guys are the only people I can say this to.......why did I let myself go like this.....everyone was right when she was little before i did drugs I should have just thought if what was best for me, and not her......what the f*ck does it come to.....what do you make of it..........Fing lousy brats.
Plus at this point this little piece of s*it kid....little MOFO did not say a word...I mean I do not expect a card or evena cake...I really don't....she did this to my mom too I mean I don't care about me, but on my mom's birthday this sixteen year old little b**** did not acknowledge my mom's birthday....I can even see she heard me saying I don't care....but man wouldn't someone i mean I had friends whose mother's took the Fing lunch money every single day for booxze...friends whose father's molested them wehn they were drunk....still they'd acknowledge it's their fing parent.
I have crazy neighbors.....I always watch her walk up to work.....she just walked out i swear to God....ya know what......I AM GLAD I DID HEROIN...I'm GLAD THIS LITTLE b**** SUFFERED><.........stingy b****.
We just allowed her boyfriend to stay....AND my ex husband who not ONCE in his entire fing life took her to a Doctor or called her in sick at school....wrote a note giving her off......four days cause this boyfriend is in college.....and spring break........I was PO'd....still though she's getting inducted into all this National Honor Scoiety thing........but he had no right to do that.......I wasn't fighting him for it, but she got what she wanted.....now in the pitch dark in Philly this boyfriend was here......she goes with the coat on the other night.....at 10:00PM.
I go where do you think you're going....to rent a movie....I said will is Blank going with you.....NO.........I mean I spent my mother fing life watching out this kid didn't get grabbed up or anything happen to her.....I walk the three blocks to get her from work if it's dark.........yoiu knowe what F that/..........kids I"m glad now...i really am I'm glad i stole her money...and her jewelry and she's alousy Biotch.......while this 6 foot kid was here my granny's house is getting emptied, and my Uncle has trucks full of crap heavy coming in here....well guess what i told her keep your shoes on you need to help us....look at mom-mom she can't be doing all this........at this point too i don't give a sh*t about my mom either.
Stupid a**..you wanna do crap with blood pressure 230/190 you stupid a**....and kiss this kids a**........go ahead.....anyway i told her to help.
Turns to me and says.........WTF.....calm down I'll help I'm getting blank a snack....I almost smacked her teeth out with the phone...thank god I curb my temper.....then my mom is all....no no no don't hit her...come on are you kidding?
Amnesia maybe.......I got my five stictches in my lip.....why.....because I didn't make President of student council....in high schoool....same frigging lady I never answered back......out of 1,000 some girls all four years I was voted in for student council....I was one of six for office my last year....because I only made treasurer which meant fourth.....she put me against the fridge, and took a brush and smacked me in the mouth...then proceeded to punch me in the mouth...I never answered her back........ONCE she called me to come in the house...I was on my won steps with my girls.....like 12 or so...I said "One second Ma"....she came out on the steps....took my hair, and bounced my head up two flights of Philly rowhouse concrete steps....to this day my old girlfriends still say "Whoa man I would never tell your mom to wait"...now i get told WTF while some kid is using my home as his spring break....and my mom jumps ion telling me not to correct her.........it's no fing use.
You guys are the only people I can say this to.......why did I let myself go like this.....everyone was right when she was little before i did drugs I should have just thought if what was best for me, and not her......what the f*ck does it come to.....what do you make of it..........Fing lousy brats.
Oh Bryn
I dont like the way you are feeling right now,my stomach is churning.
It has bought back some memories for me.
I want to say something comforting, something right for you to hear and i dont know what to say.
I am so sorry for the way you are feeling Bryn.
I think it is good that you are sharing the way you are feeling.
I have only seen you has this really bubbly strong headed person that why i clicked with you.
I will be keeping an eye on you, stay in touch girl.
Loads of blessings
Emily
I dont like the way you are feeling right now,my stomach is churning.
It has bought back some memories for me.
I want to say something comforting, something right for you to hear and i dont know what to say.
I am so sorry for the way you are feeling Bryn.
I think it is good that you are sharing the way you are feeling.
I have only seen you has this really bubbly strong headed person that why i clicked with you.
I will be keeping an eye on you, stay in touch girl.
Loads of blessings
Emily
Dear Bryn,
I'm so glad you let us know it's your special day. You're VERY special to us and we wouldn't want to let the day honoring your birth go by without telling you how much you have come to mean to us and how much we love you. I am SO PROUD of you for not using. It is hard for you now, but from what everyone says it DOES get easier. Please keep hanging in there!
I agree with Tina. I think you should take your mother up on her kind offer to go and pamper yourself a little bit. YOU DESERVE IT, AND IT WILL GIVE YOUR SPIRITS A LIFT! Please, do it for me if not for yourself and let me know how it looks. I need a touch up job myself right now and I can't seem to find the time for it. I feel so OLD and UGLY when that old gray peeks out!!!! It's amazing how much younger I feel when there's NO GRAY! I started to get some gray hairs in my late 30's. It'd hate to see how many there are now!
I hope and pray you find some happiness on this day we celebrate YOU and that life gets better for you. As for the trust....speaking from the "other" side, we don't mean to do it. It's just that our addicts have done things we never dreamed they would and we're scared. The one good thing is that even though the trust may take some time to come back, the LOVE NEVER LEFT! :)
Love,
Susan
I'm so glad you let us know it's your special day. You're VERY special to us and we wouldn't want to let the day honoring your birth go by without telling you how much you have come to mean to us and how much we love you. I am SO PROUD of you for not using. It is hard for you now, but from what everyone says it DOES get easier. Please keep hanging in there!
I agree with Tina. I think you should take your mother up on her kind offer to go and pamper yourself a little bit. YOU DESERVE IT, AND IT WILL GIVE YOUR SPIRITS A LIFT! Please, do it for me if not for yourself and let me know how it looks. I need a touch up job myself right now and I can't seem to find the time for it. I feel so OLD and UGLY when that old gray peeks out!!!! It's amazing how much younger I feel when there's NO GRAY! I started to get some gray hairs in my late 30's. It'd hate to see how many there are now!
I hope and pray you find some happiness on this day we celebrate YOU and that life gets better for you. As for the trust....speaking from the "other" side, we don't mean to do it. It's just that our addicts have done things we never dreamed they would and we're scared. The one good thing is that even though the trust may take some time to come back, the LOVE NEVER LEFT! :)
Love,
Susan
Bryn, I dont understand why your x would call her out from school to spend time with a boy. That would annoy me as well. Let the kid stay at his house. Natually she is a brat. She is 16 and her hormones are going and she thinks she knows it all. She won't get it for a while.
I don't know what her problem is. Maybe she hears you saying you don't want anyone to mention your birthday and she is trying to spite you. Just remember that she is a teenager and self centered behavior and rebellious attitudes are normal. If you don't like it you are her mother and you have every right not to tolerate it. But, try to calm down and regroup. Than deal with her the way you see fit.
Jennifer
I don't know what her problem is. Maybe she hears you saying you don't want anyone to mention your birthday and she is trying to spite you. Just remember that she is a teenager and self centered behavior and rebellious attitudes are normal. If you don't like it you are her mother and you have every right not to tolerate it. But, try to calm down and regroup. Than deal with her the way you see fit.
Jennifer
Byrn,
I am hoping that talking to Emily helped you to let go of some of this, and that things are a bit better now.
Please don't allow the past to haunt, to set the tone for what is just today. Some of what you wrote of you have to resolve and let go of, so it doesn't keep coming back up. Cause it will over and over on those particularly f*cked up days. It isn't easy, and takes time but is so worth the effort to get that pain to end.....
Thinking of you,
Love,
Tina
I am hoping that talking to Emily helped you to let go of some of this, and that things are a bit better now.
Please don't allow the past to haunt, to set the tone for what is just today. Some of what you wrote of you have to resolve and let go of, so it doesn't keep coming back up. Cause it will over and over on those particularly f*cked up days. It isn't easy, and takes time but is so worth the effort to get that pain to end.....
Thinking of you,
Love,
Tina
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Bryn
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. You have allways been so nice to me and you should clebrate your day. Your here your clean and somtimes we deserve special treatment i think getting your hair done is great therapy.
I know how hard it is when people you love cant trust you i sucks!!
But the people in my life have good reason not to trust me, and i just pray that somday they will. When i'm feeling down i cout my belissings and i cant help but get a smile on my face.
Stay strong and i'm glad your able to talk about what upsets you. dont let others get to you. I'm trying my hardest to change all my actions so somday the people who cant trust me wont be able to belive what they see when they look at me it takes time alot of time i'm shure.
Have a great weekend!!!!!!
-Mia
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. You have allways been so nice to me and you should clebrate your day. Your here your clean and somtimes we deserve special treatment i think getting your hair done is great therapy.
I know how hard it is when people you love cant trust you i sucks!!
But the people in my life have good reason not to trust me, and i just pray that somday they will. When i'm feeling down i cout my belissings and i cant help but get a smile on my face.
Stay strong and i'm glad your able to talk about what upsets you. dont let others get to you. I'm trying my hardest to change all my actions so somday the people who cant trust me wont be able to belive what they see when they look at me it takes time alot of time i'm shure.
Have a great weekend!!!!!!
-Mia
