Looking for some advice on how to start trusting my husband again now that he is recovering from a cocaine addiction. I am constantly stressed whenever he goes out that he will text his dealer and have a relapse. I dont have anyone to talk to so Im at a loss on when is the right time to start trusting him again. Ive been disappointed so many times and Im terrified of being disappointed again, I dont know if I can handle another relapse. How to do cope? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated
Loving welcome . . . you've come to right place for support, love and cyber hugs from loved ones of addicts . . . as well as addicts.
Yip yip horray!!!! It is so good to hear about somebody who is in remission. High fives to him!!! It is easier to get clean than it is to stay that way. In part, because now that he is clean he has to face what his addiction did to your heart, mind and soul. No matter how much you love him it is normal and natural for you to have doubts and fears about him. It is perfectly understandable for you to not trust him. Here's a hug bc no matter how natural or normal or understandable it is I know how much this hurts.
You didn't say how long your husband has been in recovery . . . what that recovery involved (e.g., detox, rehab, jail, etc) . . . or if he is currently receiving any support or help. I ask these questions for background purposes only. It is not like you can help him stay clean and sober. Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause his addiction; you can't cure it; and you (sure enough) can't control it.
I'm the mom of an addict . . . when my Jill first experienced 30 days of recovery, I too asked a similar question re when and how can I trust her. I learned that trust is something that she had to earn and rebuild one step at a time. One experience at a time. It was not anything we could script . . . or even plan for. She had to play her part in gaining my trust. My advice: take it slow . . . as if you are first dating.
I also learned that I had a part to play, too. What was hardest for me in this rebuilding was forgiving. I had to work through all the hurt, pain and mayhem my daughter's addiction caused. I had to get passed a lot of it . . . I had to forgive her for all the horrible things she and her addiction did. . . and I had to forgive myself for enabling, for trying to cure her, for feeling like I failed her . . . before I was in a position to be really receptive to rebuilding trust.
Finally, please reach out for support and hugs. Of course, keep coming here. But consider Alanon or Naranon groups where you can meet other loved ones who are going through similar issues. There may be online groups as well. Think of hiring a paid-for friend . . . that's what I call therapists. Talk with your minister or clergy member. Journal. Join a Facebook group. You need love and support, too.
Hope that something in here is helpful.
Sending big hugs,
Lynnxoxo
Yip yip horray!!!! It is so good to hear about somebody who is in remission. High fives to him!!! It is easier to get clean than it is to stay that way. In part, because now that he is clean he has to face what his addiction did to your heart, mind and soul. No matter how much you love him it is normal and natural for you to have doubts and fears about him. It is perfectly understandable for you to not trust him. Here's a hug bc no matter how natural or normal or understandable it is I know how much this hurts.
You didn't say how long your husband has been in recovery . . . what that recovery involved (e.g., detox, rehab, jail, etc) . . . or if he is currently receiving any support or help. I ask these questions for background purposes only. It is not like you can help him stay clean and sober. Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause his addiction; you can't cure it; and you (sure enough) can't control it.
I'm the mom of an addict . . . when my Jill first experienced 30 days of recovery, I too asked a similar question re when and how can I trust her. I learned that trust is something that she had to earn and rebuild one step at a time. One experience at a time. It was not anything we could script . . . or even plan for. She had to play her part in gaining my trust. My advice: take it slow . . . as if you are first dating.
I also learned that I had a part to play, too. What was hardest for me in this rebuilding was forgiving. I had to work through all the hurt, pain and mayhem my daughter's addiction caused. I had to get passed a lot of it . . . I had to forgive her for all the horrible things she and her addiction did. . . and I had to forgive myself for enabling, for trying to cure her, for feeling like I failed her . . . before I was in a position to be really receptive to rebuilding trust.
Finally, please reach out for support and hugs. Of course, keep coming here. But consider Alanon or Naranon groups where you can meet other loved ones who are going through similar issues. There may be online groups as well. Think of hiring a paid-for friend . . . that's what I call therapists. Talk with your minister or clergy member. Journal. Join a Facebook group. You need love and support, too.
Hope that something in here is helpful.
Sending big hugs,
Lynnxoxo
Lynn already gave great advice.
I am no expert on trust, so I have no insight really. I just wanted to comment on taking care of YOU. You have been through a lot and you need support. Besides building trust, learning about addiction and enabling and boundaries and loving yourself are all very important.
Keep posting here, because as Lynn says, we are have been through similar situations. Big hugs to you as you navigate.
I am no expert on trust, so I have no insight really. I just wanted to comment on taking care of YOU. You have been through a lot and you need support. Besides building trust, learning about addiction and enabling and boundaries and loving yourself are all very important.
Keep posting here, because as Lynn says, we are have been through similar situations. Big hugs to you as you navigate.
Lyss- You have been thru this enough, so you know the ropes... I want to validate your fear. I am the mom of an addict. we have been going thru it for about 5 yrs. he has been to rehab and sober living. lived away for 2 years - where he had every opportunity to get on his feet. yet he still cant shake whatever it is that is holding him in addiction. he has held good jobs and is hard working, but he sabotages himself. currently he is living home again. he is seeing dr and therapist, but is not 100% in recovery. I feel like he is 80% good, but have no idea what the other 20% is doing when he is not home. whether he is home or out - I am anxious. he is not violent or disrespectful. he even seems to be trying to be 'normal'. yet there is still some element that is not quite right, that we (husb & I) cant figure out.
example - While he was working, always ran short on cash before paycheck. he got laid off for winter and can keep insurance going - yet each day he says he will call to get the forms and information, but he does not. a tire on the car keeps going flat, but he has not brought to be serviced. he sleeps late and then gets up and goes - to gf or friends.... he has been coming home early. we don't see any drug use. he has always been able to hide it very well.
example - I have a drug test in the house bc I wanted him to take it at one point over the summer. if he was clean, wouldn't he want to show me by taking the test? also - new job he is going to - paper he brought home states must do drug screening w/in 48 hours of verbal hiring - he has not done it and does not seem concerned - says the guy didn't say anything about it. I told him he should call to find out what is expected to do - he has not - this might void the hiring agreement - he does not seem to understand that.
everything he says sounds reasonable - the only thing missing is the follow thru and the life skills we think he should have at age 28. he does not seem to have an urgency or understanding of 'important' things. he just seems to have a narrow view of what he needs today - and that is money or seeing 'friends'.
my advice. keep all your financial, home, car, work, etc stuff separate. get yourself so you are financially independent and so his actions can not impact your future.
I recently used the resources at the top of this website to find a local recovery center that supports/treats family members. I will be going there for councilling as soon as I can. I am hoping someone can shed some light on our situation. as they have seen it all. maybe they can help me understand the recovery process.
Good Luck, and come back to vent anytime. I found this site bc I had no one to talk to. initially I talked a little to friends, but that got old real quick. I also felt I was betraying my son by talking about him.
example - While he was working, always ran short on cash before paycheck. he got laid off for winter and can keep insurance going - yet each day he says he will call to get the forms and information, but he does not. a tire on the car keeps going flat, but he has not brought to be serviced. he sleeps late and then gets up and goes - to gf or friends.... he has been coming home early. we don't see any drug use. he has always been able to hide it very well.
example - I have a drug test in the house bc I wanted him to take it at one point over the summer. if he was clean, wouldn't he want to show me by taking the test? also - new job he is going to - paper he brought home states must do drug screening w/in 48 hours of verbal hiring - he has not done it and does not seem concerned - says the guy didn't say anything about it. I told him he should call to find out what is expected to do - he has not - this might void the hiring agreement - he does not seem to understand that.
everything he says sounds reasonable - the only thing missing is the follow thru and the life skills we think he should have at age 28. he does not seem to have an urgency or understanding of 'important' things. he just seems to have a narrow view of what he needs today - and that is money or seeing 'friends'.
my advice. keep all your financial, home, car, work, etc stuff separate. get yourself so you are financially independent and so his actions can not impact your future.
I recently used the resources at the top of this website to find a local recovery center that supports/treats family members. I will be going there for councilling as soon as I can. I am hoping someone can shed some light on our situation. as they have seen it all. maybe they can help me understand the recovery process.
Good Luck, and come back to vent anytime. I found this site bc I had no one to talk to. initially I talked a little to friends, but that got old real quick. I also felt I was betraying my son by talking about him.
I hate to say this but if you think at all he is lying or gut tells you, than he probably is. I found that when dealing with an addict, the ONLY way to really trust them is if they give you 100% transparency. You need access to their phone whenever you want without giving them time to delete anything. You need access to their urine whenever you want with no delay. You need access to their online banking, be able to see if any cash is taken out of an ATM. You need to be able to ask them anything and have them gladly hand it over. If they do without balking they are clean, if not they are using. FACT.
With my son, when he was clean and I handed him a cup to pee in, he would gladly take it. He wanted me to know that he was clean. When he wasn't clean, there was an excuse, I can't go now. I just went. Something...
It has to be like this. If an active addict is given an inch, they will take a mile. FACT. They will manipulate, but do it with love. Which makes it so hard. We want to believe them so bad, but the truth hurts and the truth is we can't. We need proof. Plain and simple. Hope is not enough, it needs to be black and white.
With my son, when he was clean and I handed him a cup to pee in, he would gladly take it. He wanted me to know that he was clean. When he wasn't clean, there was an excuse, I can't go now. I just went. Something...
It has to be like this. If an active addict is given an inch, they will take a mile. FACT. They will manipulate, but do it with love. Which makes it so hard. We want to believe them so bad, but the truth hurts and the truth is we can't. We need proof. Plain and simple. Hope is not enough, it needs to be black and white.
Thank you all so much for your support and advice. I dont have anyone else to talk to as none of my friends or family know about his addiction so I feel like I am all alone in this. He has been clean for about 4 months now but just the other night he contacted his dealer but didnt buy the drugs. Its times like this that I find the hardest because although he didnt buy the drugs he got close. I dont know how to handle it because to me it feels almost the same as a relapse
How do you guys handle the stumbles like this? Should I celebrate the fact he didnt buy the drugs?
Hugs to all of you
How do you guys handle the stumbles like this? Should I celebrate the fact he didnt buy the drugs?
Hugs to all of you
hi all, my 23 yr old son is in recovery for heroin addiction. he is now about 4 months in, and like nytoflorida noted - probably about 80% clean. he attends his weekly treatment meetings which include meeting with a Dr. for his medication updates and drug tests [several 'dirty' results] and more importantly with a therapist and recovery coach [a former addict who has been through it]. We try to focus on the positive that he continues to go willingly on his own each week - what we struggle with are the days he does not have appointments. He lost his job and he lives with us, so he typically stays in his bedroom 24/7 - comes out occasionally to use the bathroom and raid the fridge.
Mostly we believe he is trying - we know he has stumbled - some days he seems positive and upbeat and others not so much. i try to nudge and 'suggest' things he can do to keep himself occupied - but so far no interest from him that i can see. i realize there is no standard easy-to-follow guide for recovery; just curious where he might be on the path to clean living? anyone have any thoughts?
thanks!
Mostly we believe he is trying - we know he has stumbled - some days he seems positive and upbeat and others not so much. i try to nudge and 'suggest' things he can do to keep himself occupied - but so far no interest from him that i can see. i realize there is no standard easy-to-follow guide for recovery; just curious where he might be on the path to clean living? anyone have any thoughts?
thanks!
