For over a year I have travelled by bus to collect my medication from the local chemist. The bus sometimes stops on route if they are running early, so Ive had casual chats with a few of the drivers. Last week (in conversation) one bus-driver asked why I travelled this way every day. I travel at all different times so couldnt pass it off as work, so I said visiting my mother to check all is well.
Saying I go every day to check on my mum has made me feel really bad, if the truth was know she checks on me and has done so for all my 50 years, my whole family have helped and supported me, Im very lucky.
So why, I ask myself cant I just say the truth? I do remember my early years in addiction, heroin addicts were the scum of the earth or dregs of society I would deny being an addict not only to myself but to everyone else. I do wonder deep down should I tell the truth, if asked Im sure it would me feel better and if the other person cant accept it thats their problem. What about neighbours or workplaces. I would love to hear some views on this.
The short time since joining this forum, its been so helpful, Bryn & Diff your posts have affected me so much Ive never been very good at putting feeling into words. Yet you both have put most of my feeling into words and reading those words have helped me a lot.
Peter
Peter, I don't know if I handle these things correctly or not. There is a huge % of the general population who do look down on addicts "recovering or not". I tend to go with my gut "I'LL LIE" about past methadone & past using ....if I can tell who ever im talking to would look down on me. Me personally I would have lied to the bus driver also. I would not want to feel "inside" everyday i got on the bus that i was being looked at as sick or somehow damaged. I'm not just a recovering addict I think people only focas on that part of you when they KNOW the truth. I try to put on the face of who I want to be seen as to the public. I don't want my neighbors knowing my past that's not who i am now. I also struggle with not being honest because that also makes you feel weird inside to know your flat telling lies. I Just wanted to say..... yeah, I can relate to that and there are people i've lied to also. Remember "we are only as sick as our secrets" whatever that means.
Ahhhhhhh Peter........hey, that's the first thing came into your mind to tell that driver.......you didn't say it on purpose.....I imagine it did make you feel bad though........you're doing really well too......I'm glad you can express it.
Personally, I can understand completely if you don't want to tell, but it sounds like it may free you up like Herogirl said.......from expereince though I have been met with shock, horror, denial, and a bunch of heads shaking when I told.
Now that's just me and yepper in our time.......I mean JUNKIE SCUM that was IT.....no more and no less........plain and simple you were a scum bag lost cause, and never amount to anything no gooder.......I do believe now though since the dope got purer and BOMM BAM BOOM.....oh it ain't the old dude nodding on the corner........it's people's children, and wives, and sons, and the rich, and the lower middle class, and the Wall Street guys.......it's more common I guess ya can say.....hopefully not more accepted.
Still Peter........now IMAGINE THIS!!!!!!!! I am a person would know you five minutes and tell you anything......STUPID.......I was like that since I was a little child........you ask.........I tell......I now learned to be more discerning......I learned that sometimes kindness is percieved as weakness.....I LEARNED some people will throw it right in your face if they get angry that you made a huge mistake.......HEROIN taught me that.
So, you can easily say........I'm an OUTLAW that's why I travel all different times.......the driver is probably just making small talk and it is common to ask where you are going........if you feel better by next time your on his bus...you can tell him you feel bad you lied...........personally I wouldn't and I'd say a prayer saying "I am SORRY I lied about my mom".
Peter, know you have helped me as well........I am so glad you are expressing your feelings.....you're a sweet man......your compassion shines on.
Personally, I can understand completely if you don't want to tell, but it sounds like it may free you up like Herogirl said.......from expereince though I have been met with shock, horror, denial, and a bunch of heads shaking when I told.
Now that's just me and yepper in our time.......I mean JUNKIE SCUM that was IT.....no more and no less........plain and simple you were a scum bag lost cause, and never amount to anything no gooder.......I do believe now though since the dope got purer and BOMM BAM BOOM.....oh it ain't the old dude nodding on the corner........it's people's children, and wives, and sons, and the rich, and the lower middle class, and the Wall Street guys.......it's more common I guess ya can say.....hopefully not more accepted.
Still Peter........now IMAGINE THIS!!!!!!!! I am a person would know you five minutes and tell you anything......STUPID.......I was like that since I was a little child........you ask.........I tell......I now learned to be more discerning......I learned that sometimes kindness is percieved as weakness.....I LEARNED some people will throw it right in your face if they get angry that you made a huge mistake.......HEROIN taught me that.
So, you can easily say........I'm an OUTLAW that's why I travel all different times.......the driver is probably just making small talk and it is common to ask where you are going........if you feel better by next time your on his bus...you can tell him you feel bad you lied...........personally I wouldn't and I'd say a prayer saying "I am SORRY I lied about my mom".
Peter, know you have helped me as well........I am so glad you are expressing your feelings.....you're a sweet man......your compassion shines on.
