Trying To Walk Away

Hi. I am 23 years old and I am addticed to pain pills. I started useing them when I was 17 years old. That was the only way for me to speand time with my father. Over the years I used every penny I made buying them off of the street. I have nothing to show for and I work every day. Me and one of my friends is trying to quit together...he is also getting help from this site and he told me to join too. Like him I have lost everything to pain pills and I done things to get them that I am not proud of. I am trying to stop cold turkey and don't know if thats the best way to quit. I don't go to the doctur to get them because its earier to buy them off of the street.
I wish u the best- a lot of people have quit CT---it is rough, but u r young. I hope u make it. U might want to hit a couple NA meetings if u have the strength. No matter what happens, DO NOT GIVE UP and keep posting. You have a lot of friends here in various stages of recovery, or working at recovery or thinking about recovery. Ultimately you have a 100 % chance of being succesful.

May God be with you.
Thank you, Browndog113. I know that I am young but I do about 20 to 25 pain pills a day. And most of them are with my dad. I only have two friends trying to help me here where I live. But I keep telling myself I have a good job, two loving nephews that loves me and I love them, and I have a boyfriend. He is total against pain pills and he makes things to where I can't talk to him about it. He doesn't even know that I am useing.
I haven't had a pill sence Saturday night and I feel like I am gone to die. This will be day 3, that is only if I can make through today. I don't know if I can because I have gotten phone calls just about all saying there is stuff out there and it is just easy for me to say and if I say yes then they would be right here. I have barely enough will-power to tell them no. I am wanting to get off of these pain pills so bad. I look at me now and ask myself if it was worth me wanting to spend time with my father. Most kids parents don't want them to do drugs, but I had to do drugs so I could spend time with my own father. I know I am gone to fall and fine me a pain pill and do it. I am needing a friend to help through this. My other friend that is trying to help get off of pills has never done any and she was telling me today " I know how you feel". It made me mad because she has no idea what I am gone through. Well I am gone to go back to bed and try to get some sleep but I don't know if I will get an sleep or not because I know the chills are gone to keep me awake.
U have a wondifull thing happening too you! Just think about it. Yes i too have the chills at the moment but i know that it is for the better. U have a friend here to call on when u need help or someone to talk too. I hope that u do it for yourself and others around u. i'm sure that u can rise up out of this and look back and laugh at yourself for wasting so much time chaseing the allmighty bean
Day 3 is one of the hardest. It should start subsiding soon. Right now don't worry about what your boyfriend understands or doesn't understand. U are not a bad person because u use & all those who self righteously might judge u- well they are just wrong.

You are doing amazing having made it this far- especially with people calling and the pills being readilly available. I'm a little consfused about your dad- I'm sure he loves u & I have to believe that if u clearly communicated that u want to get clean he would be happy for u and encourage that. I hope so. (maybe he would be afraid he'd loose u or something, but I hope he knows better)

Just take this thing a step at a time, an hour at a time, or 5 minutes at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow - today u have enough to deal with. (I'm paraphrasing something Jesus said)
AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, WHATEVER YOU DO---KEEP POSTING.

When u get the strength it will be helpful to probably go to an NA meeting. I am glad u have nieces and nephews and family love. It is probably hard to believe that in the near future u will be able to look back and feel good and be glad u did this.

BY THE WAY, WHAT KIND OF PILLS WHERE U DOING. IF THEY ARE NARCOTICS, U SHOULD BE OK WITH COLD TURKEY , BUT if you were also doing benzos or barbituates or even a lot of hard alcohal, CT is dangerous.

Today I had a down fall. I am upset with myself because I done some pills today. I want to kick myself in the butt for it because I was doing so good. After everyone left I knew what I done. I am usong roxys, oxys, hydros, etc. just the little ones. I am gone to call my father tonight and try to talk to him and ket him know that I am gone to get off of these pills and that I am hoping that it don't change us talking with each other. wish me luck. Browndod113, if you don't mind me asking how long have you been cleaned and what was you useing?
Sleapybear,

I'm glad you posted, even if u used a little. I wanted to encourage you as best I could along the path u chose to try. If u made it the first time, it would have been pretty amazing and not the normal. You probably didn't mostly use to get high, but just to get off of E (unsick). Do not beat yourself up. YOU DID NOT FAIL.

There are a multitude of ways to stop - and cold turkey, well that is for heros or jail. But for the rest of us- well in my opinion the best is a good medical detox. If you are able to go that route find out for sure what their detox plan is. If it is simply a matter of u sitting around sick with minimal relief- I'm not even sure why they exist.

There is kind of a 'self detox' program which a lot of people try. Some succeed , some don't. That works best if u have a plan and a partner & involves a gradual cutting down.

CHECK OUT THE OTHER HEADINGS ON THIS BOARD, LIKE AVAILABLE TREATMENT, OPTIONS IN YOUR AREA ETC.

Ur question, how long have I been clean--well I guess that depends. It is a convoluted, long story. The last couple years I have been on Suboxone - which at the time was probably a good choice for me. I don't think it is the best decision for you at this time.

I thought I was home free a few or couple months ago weaning off suboxone, which didn't seem hard to do. Turned out to not be pleasant. Anyway, right now I am weaned down to a miniscule amount (which my wife controls) to be able to function.

But my situation is different from yours. I was using a lot, lot longer then you & at times doses that would kill a hippoponomous. THAT IS WHY I AM GLAD YOU ARE HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION NOW. As you get older, things simply get harder. I remember goig thru WDS in my late 30's and it didn't seem like that big of deal to me. But now, simply stated, I am older, weeker, and there are 20 something years more of increased use.

Please, take only the good I have to say and don't even think of me as any kind of example other then what you don't want to be. THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WITH GOOD CLEAN TIME HERE WHO know the joys of recovery.

Finally, just so you know where I am at, I was on 'methadone maintenance' for many years, and I have to tell you, that is not a good way to go for the most part. Many people take it as a first or second step in recovery and end up finding that cure is worse then the sickness. It has its place, but that would be the last of the last of the last choices.
Well this day has came and gone. I didn't use anything and I am proud of myself. But, coming down off these pain pills sucks. Everytime I come off and go through withdrawals I ask myself why do it? As I set here typing the only thing running through my mind is it worth it because you know when we're out whats gone to happen. So, why even do it. I hate the sickness and I am getting tired of gone through the withdrawals. I told my dad today that I was quitting and he asked me why. I didn't know how to answer him so i said why not. So, starting over this will be day 1 without anything and I am proud of myself even if it is just 1 day. But, to me 1 day seems like 20 years. Browndog113, I want to thank for your help in my time of need.
Hi Sleepybear...I just want to say...thank you for being honest about your "slip"Thats not easy to admit to.The GREAT part (though it may not feel like it)is that your trying again.Good for you.
I wanted to ask...is rehab an option for you?Somewhere that you might medically detox?

I wish you & "walking"the best & I will continue to look in on you both.
Try to take care
mollyjean
i thought about detox but me and walking both agreed to go cold turkey. me and walking are both from the same small town and we're best of friends. i am gone to try again with the cold turkey thing and if i slipt this time i am gone to get help from a meeting or something. Today is day 2 for me and i could have done one today and didnt. i am very proud of myself.
you know, a slip is just that..every hour you dont use is just great! this is a good site for encouragement and suggestions for addicts and family...
Sleepy, good for you. I have a good feeling u r going to learn to get thru this. I think it would be helpful to go to a meeting either way. I know u r wandering what good will it do and thinking they might expect something of you, but it's not like that. I am not a die hard NA guy, but my reasons are not relevant.

The cool thing you realize there is there are an amazing amount of people who inside are very similar to you. I forced myself to go to a small NA meeting the other night, and really listened to what other people were saying. For the most part it was like listenining to myself.

It was beneficial to me for a couple reasons. I was with other people in various stages of recovery who completely have experienced many of the same feelings I have. There were people with years of clean time who honestly have learned to live and enjoy life and be more real then before of during the drug phase of their lives.

It's a good safe environment (usualy) and I am starting to learn to go to meetings and taking what I think is beneficial and maybe if I don't agree with something someone says, who cares. In other words I take the good, which is most of it, and discount what I see as nonsense.

Give it a shot, no one understands and addict like an addict. You might be really surprised.
Me and walking is gone to try and fine a place where we go to meetings around here that is close. Today will be day 3 if I can make it through and I know I can do it because I am snowed in. The way I see it if it's too bad that I call off of work then it's to bad for me to go and look for a pill.
hey just go to bed when it feels that bad take a shower and get your mind on something. donot take a pill. 3 and 4 of withdrawl is the hardest but it does get better my friend im on day 6 and wow you have made it 3 days do this for your self and shock them fools around you show them what it is like to be really happy just think no more sickness n more worrie over getting sick.
I am so glad for you. That wa a clever answer you gave your father - right to the point. If he looks in himself he knows why and when you are clean and doing well I hope he sees the light (if not for himself, for you)

Some say you must be 'selfish' to recover. That is the wrong word as it has too many negative connotations. You must be self preserving, which is way different then selfish. A very wise man said

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what kind of man am I? If not now, when?" (Hillel)

The truth in it is by making yourself strong, and learning to like and love the person God specially made (you)----only then can you truelly be for others. You have taken the big courageous step---not tomorrow but today.

You are doing more for yourself, and others more good then you can imagine. This is a new begining, a commitment to life and I admire the fact that you have chosen to do it now, not tomorrow- because sometimes...'Tomorrow never comes' (I think it was King David or Soloman or somewhat like that that said that in the psalms.)
Well day 3 has came and is almost gone. I am so proud of myself. Also, today i sat my boyfriend just me and him and told him what was gone on and that I was getting off of the pills. I was scared at 1st but I was shocked by what he said to me. He told me that I should have told him sooner because he is wanting to help me get off of these pills so we can start a family and he asked me to marry him today. He also said he was to fine meetings that I can go to and he said that he would go with me, so he'd know what he's getting into with me quiting. I was really shocked by that and I told him about this website I joined and he is really happy that their is such nice people on here that is talking and helping me. Also, my church started this thing ( I wouldn't call it a meeting or anything) but a class that I can take and read me parts from the Bible that they think that might help me. The classes are only on Friday nights. Sence people found out that I am being for real about getting off of pills they tring to help and that makes me feel really good. This morning my dad called me and told me that he got his pain pills in today and wanted me to come down and do them with him and I told him no because this is day 3 for me and I want it to be like day 33 and plus some because I don't want to live that kind of life anymore. I am really tired of waking up sick and looking for my next high from a pill. I hope how soon that these chills will go away.
Good job, Sleepybear~!

Day 3 is great and for me, the chills left around day 5-6 so you're almost there. Hang in there, and the biggest thing for me was staying in the day, one day at a time, one minute at a time if need be.

I was so happy to read that you told your Dad no. That's awesome. Focus on those that are positives and wanting to be part of the solution for you, like your boyfriend and stay away from temptation for awhile. It's okay to say no and take care of you.

I am really tired of waking up sick and looking for my next high from a pill.

I can relate completely. I was so sick & tired of being sick & tired and what happened is once I got out from under the chains of addiction, I feel so free and alive. I'm glad you're on the journey to recovery now.

Let us know how your church meeting goes.

xoxo
Stacey
I am so glad for you and glad that you have an understanding boyfriend: I guess the word is fiancee. Congradulations. It sounds like you are building up a great support system and 'real life' has its ups and downs - but it is real and living it is better then etherizing it away.

CONGRADULATIONS - HE SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD MAN.
Welp, this is day 6 for me. I am so proud of myself. I went to church Sunday and I think I am gone to go ever Sunday sence I can learn about other stuff and things. Saturday people was calling me and telling me that they had pills. I told them not to call me if that was all they had to say because I am not longer using that stuff. Also, Saturday, Chad (the guy I am gone to marry) took me out to dinner and then bought me somethings and told me that was because I doing so well on saying no pills. I ahve so much to live for now even though the chills and things like that hasn't fully went away yet. I am feeling better a little each day. It feels like a ton of weight is being lifted off of me. I told Chad when my 5th comes around of me being pill free then we'd get married and he said he agreed to that. So, now I am putting money up that I would have spent on pills and well lets just say thats alot of money so far in this jar.