anyone following my posts knows some of the background. short version - my son has been addicted to pain pills. has been in rehab and recovering this year. has been renting a room for past 3 months, working and relapsing. situation has come to the point where he wants to go back to a inpatient rehab. too hard to stay away from the street stuff. has pain and without the pills, does not know what to do. has no transportation therefore dr appointments are difficult and me trying to coordinate from long distance is futile.
his problem is that when he does not take the pills - oxy and zan (I think) he is in pain and has racing thoughts, anxiety. he wants to go to a rehab to get him back on track. (and get 3 meals a day)
my thoughts this morning were A. if he comes home we can go ALL IN with dr appointments, and alternative therapies. (if he had a medical disease he WOULD be home and we would be taking care of it) B. he goes to rehab and starts over and we see what we can do from long distance, dr and therapy appointments are difficult.
Papa Bears - comment to another post hit home:
"For most of the recovering addicts/alcoholics I know (myself included) it took the love & understanding of my sponsor and the oldtimers at the meetings (NOT my family) to begin to get through to me."
I hate to feel like I am hanging him out to deal with it all on his own.
but taking care of the whole problem is a full time job and I already have one of those to pay the bills.....
how to rationalize the $ spent - at home is cheaper, away is more expensive.....
In a perfect situation it can work well, either way.... how to choose which way to go?
In the mean time
I will be telling him to go back to his previous support system to gain direction...
What is the cause of your son's "pain" ??
Is it medical or psychological ?
The priest that ran the recovery home I attended usually wouldn't take us back
He'd say "I gave you the tools now go to AA and use them"
Is it medical or psychological ?
The priest that ran the recovery home I attended usually wouldn't take us back
He'd say "I gave you the tools now go to AA and use them"
NY--
How many times has he been in rehab? Do you pay for it? Is the anxiety he experiences really from pain or from withdrawal off oxy's and Xanax ?
If he hasn't been paying his rent but working, then where is his money going?
Just ask yourself these questions and then make a decision. Am I really helping him or am I just enabling him again?
How long do I want to do this? Till my dying breathe??????
I don't know your circumstances with your son, but I remember reading the "things not to do " post you put on this forum. It said -- not to arrange appts., hwh, recovery, etc.
Like PB said --is his pain physical or mental? Maybe it is time for a reevaluation of his addiction to oxy's and the causes?????
Just sayin'--
Praying you make the right decision for your son and not just a continuation of the past--it is sooo hard to know but think it through and then decide.
Have you done all this before--once, twice, maybe more? Are you still repeating the past?
If you answer "yes" to these questions , then maybe it is time to change and redirect!
(((HUGS)))
Lori
How many times has he been in rehab? Do you pay for it? Is the anxiety he experiences really from pain or from withdrawal off oxy's and Xanax ?
If he hasn't been paying his rent but working, then where is his money going?
Just ask yourself these questions and then make a decision. Am I really helping him or am I just enabling him again?
How long do I want to do this? Till my dying breathe??????
I don't know your circumstances with your son, but I remember reading the "things not to do " post you put on this forum. It said -- not to arrange appts., hwh, recovery, etc.
Like PB said --is his pain physical or mental? Maybe it is time for a reevaluation of his addiction to oxy's and the causes?????
Just sayin'--
Praying you make the right decision for your son and not just a continuation of the past--it is sooo hard to know but think it through and then decide.
Have you done all this before--once, twice, maybe more? Are you still repeating the past?
If you answer "yes" to these questions , then maybe it is time to change and redirect!
(((HUGS)))
Lori
Racing thoughts and anxiety are byproducts of opiate withdrawal....and probably alcohol too...doesn't sound like he needs rehab...just a decent doc...I'm with PB on this one as far as my experiences...home becomes a trigger....us and you...is he going to NA or AA meetings? It is for me...the only place and those people in them that I will indeed listen to...because as PB said...we're all equal in the rooms...and I know those there...get it...
How you doing , Con ?
Not too bad today PB...better I think....learning is fcking hard...but I'm not using. ..and trying to stay out of my way and let the boss ....boss being God....had a moment yesterday. ...where he came through... and it shocked the s*** out of me...damn !
"We will be amazed before we are halfway through"
Lol....ya...you might be right...emailed ya...thanks PB
Hi y'all, thanks for the reinforcement. (dutchess) I know, I know..... yes, I want to make the right choice for him to have access to the right help. It sounds like the only answer is for him to go back to hwh. where they know what they're doing. I do not. He does not.
As PB said in a previous post - He wants to do it HIS way. he keeps side stepping my suggestion of going back to hwh. the hwh includes IOP, meetings, program etc, moral support. only problem is I would have to kick in for half of rent. which is OK if he is clean and getting medical and emo support. I see this solution as a "clean up and start over" . which wont happen where he is renting a room and has no support and is isolated.
PB - back pain - skiing accidents, 6 years of labor job - 4 years were almost 7 days a week. recently car accident. assortment of herniated discs in neck and lower back. garden variety of neglecting to take care of himself
I know what has to be done..... now to convince the lad.
Con - thanks for the info - that's what I thought. I asked him, he said when he was clean - 3-5 months - the racing thoughts were less.
And then, he gets stressed about money and food and the thoughts and anxiety are worse and yes he is probably withdrawling somewhat, on and off, depending on the cash he has.
Not totally a crisis mode, but headed that way..... trying to but the breaks on before more damage is done.... he still has job, but it has been the slow season for too long and hours and tips are scarce.
As PB said in a previous post - He wants to do it HIS way. he keeps side stepping my suggestion of going back to hwh. the hwh includes IOP, meetings, program etc, moral support. only problem is I would have to kick in for half of rent. which is OK if he is clean and getting medical and emo support. I see this solution as a "clean up and start over" . which wont happen where he is renting a room and has no support and is isolated.
PB - back pain - skiing accidents, 6 years of labor job - 4 years were almost 7 days a week. recently car accident. assortment of herniated discs in neck and lower back. garden variety of neglecting to take care of himself
I know what has to be done..... now to convince the lad.
Con - thanks for the info - that's what I thought. I asked him, he said when he was clean - 3-5 months - the racing thoughts were less.
And then, he gets stressed about money and food and the thoughts and anxiety are worse and yes he is probably withdrawling somewhat, on and off, depending on the cash he has.
Not totally a crisis mode, but headed that way..... trying to but the breaks on before more damage is done.... he still has job, but it has been the slow season for too long and hours and tips are scarce.
PS he did type a new resume and send it to me to look at....he has been sending out resume, near home and in his location. he's looking for more work.... this is hereditary - family of workaholics - more work = more $$ -- no time to take care of health..... sigh....
PPS - had a 1hour nice phone call. no urgency, no throat clearing, no sneezing, no sniffling.
he is not in crisis, just hungry. says he has not been using (did admit to testing the waters at some point in the past 3 months), spending pay on food and cigs, kind of a feast or famine tendency. went into work today, not busy enough, sent home with no tips no meal... and had to walk there and back - depressing. I 90% believe him. of course he could be pulling the wool.
time to wait and see what unfolds. yes, I ordered him a pizza. hopefully he works tomorrow. I do not think he lost job.
I said " I hope there is a reason for (him) going thru all of this suffering" he said there is. that he has to be responsible for his actions and in the past has not cared about the consequences. he is tired of living this way - alone and without enough $ to eat.
and yada yada...... one day at a time..... sorry for my enabling slip, I just feel the situation is on the fence and I dont want to be an a*****hole about it.
PPS - had a 1hour nice phone call. no urgency, no throat clearing, no sneezing, no sniffling.
he is not in crisis, just hungry. says he has not been using (did admit to testing the waters at some point in the past 3 months), spending pay on food and cigs, kind of a feast or famine tendency. went into work today, not busy enough, sent home with no tips no meal... and had to walk there and back - depressing. I 90% believe him. of course he could be pulling the wool.
time to wait and see what unfolds. yes, I ordered him a pizza. hopefully he works tomorrow. I do not think he lost job.
I said " I hope there is a reason for (him) going thru all of this suffering" he said there is. that he has to be responsible for his actions and in the past has not cared about the consequences. he is tired of living this way - alone and without enough $ to eat.
and yada yada...... one day at a time..... sorry for my enabling slip, I just feel the situation is on the fence and I dont want to be an a*****hole about it.
Hey Ny
keeping you and your son in my prayers! So what's the game plan?? Lol
I tell you what ..... I love reading Papa and Cons input. Y'all are awesome.
I'm so glad y'all had a good conversation. You are such a good mom..don't
Forget that!!!
Z is hung into another sober living tomorrow..it sounds good ...12 step, sponsor, life coach,
And they help with jobs. He's been sober going on 3 weeks. He told me that he is changing
And he sees how God works through people. I will continue to have faith.
Ny, I think there is a reason for everything we are going through.
I don't go to church everyone Sunday but I have faith and feel close to God.
I think Z is getting stronger and has learned a lot and hopefully the outcome
Will be awesome. Who knows.... maybe their struggles will be to help others.
God has a plan !!
Duchess...I hope you are doing good. Any news from your son?
Hugs
PAULA
...
keeping you and your son in my prayers! So what's the game plan?? Lol
I tell you what ..... I love reading Papa and Cons input. Y'all are awesome.
I'm so glad y'all had a good conversation. You are such a good mom..don't
Forget that!!!
Z is hung into another sober living tomorrow..it sounds good ...12 step, sponsor, life coach,
And they help with jobs. He's been sober going on 3 weeks. He told me that he is changing
And he sees how God works through people. I will continue to have faith.
Ny, I think there is a reason for everything we are going through.
I don't go to church everyone Sunday but I have faith and feel close to God.
I think Z is getting stronger and has learned a lot and hopefully the outcome
Will be awesome. Who knows.... maybe their struggles will be to help others.
God has a plan !!
Duchess...I hope you are doing good. Any news from your son?
Hugs
PAULA
...
paula,
ty for your thoughtful messages. I like PB & C postings too. solid information.
My plan is to keep telling him to go back to hwh. we would have to help w rent, but that is the only way I would be sure money is not going on the street.
I really am not sure if he still has the job. he said they are slow and tell him to go home after an hour. so his pay check will be short too. a few weeks ago, landlord confirmed the slow season and said others barely have work.
Like I've said before, I cant tell if he is on or off meds.
two weeks ago I sent him $40 and last night bought pizza. I told him no $ for two weeks - I dont have it anyway and I dont want him calling me every day like in the past.
ty for your thoughtful messages. I like PB & C postings too. solid information.
My plan is to keep telling him to go back to hwh. we would have to help w rent, but that is the only way I would be sure money is not going on the street.
I really am not sure if he still has the job. he said they are slow and tell him to go home after an hour. so his pay check will be short too. a few weeks ago, landlord confirmed the slow season and said others barely have work.
Like I've said before, I cant tell if he is on or off meds.
two weeks ago I sent him $40 and last night bought pizza. I told him no $ for two weeks - I dont have it anyway and I dont want him calling me every day like in the past.
"My plan is to keep telling him to go back to hwh."
Perhaps you should be asking him what he thinks is the solution ....
Or better still just quietly observe
It's his circus - it's his monkeys.
AA has a "Responsibility Declaration" that states:
"I am Responsible. When Anyone, Anywhere Reaches Out For Help,
I Want The Hand Of A.A. Always To Be There. And For That, I Am Responsible !"
The heart of that statement is "When they reach out for help"
If they aren't reaching (and asking) you can't help.....
You have to let him ask - he has to learn to ask (for what is good for him)
Prayers to all the family/friends (hostages) of addiction/alcoholism.
There is a solution for the addict/alcoholic when they are ready to surrender.
The family will be hostages if they agree to be "willing participants"
All the best.
Bob R
Perhaps you should be asking him what he thinks is the solution ....
Or better still just quietly observe
It's his circus - it's his monkeys.
AA has a "Responsibility Declaration" that states:
"I am Responsible. When Anyone, Anywhere Reaches Out For Help,
I Want The Hand Of A.A. Always To Be There. And For That, I Am Responsible !"
The heart of that statement is "When they reach out for help"
If they aren't reaching (and asking) you can't help.....
You have to let him ask - he has to learn to ask (for what is good for him)
Prayers to all the family/friends (hostages) of addiction/alcoholism.
There is a solution for the addict/alcoholic when they are ready to surrender.
The family will be hostages if they agree to be "willing participants"
All the best.
Bob R
Paula--
Not a word from my son and we are in the middle of a cat 3 hurricane. Hopefully he went to a shelter or someones house but he has or had 2 dogs so don't know cause that limits him.
Only time we heard from Chris before is when he was in need of money or when he was sober. Obviously he is neither at this time???? Maybe because for the first time in 20 years we refuse to enable him. No more buying anything--food, pizzas, gas, motels, rent, clothes, tattoo equipment, cars, fixing teeth, and I could go on forever. I refused any contact with him after the way he talked to us and the" wishing we were dead statement!"
Everyone has a breaking point and we have reached ours! Enough is enough and now we just wait and pray that our Chris reaches his end point! Hopefully it will be a good outcome! It is in God's hands!
Thanks for checking on me--Lori
Not a word from my son and we are in the middle of a cat 3 hurricane. Hopefully he went to a shelter or someones house but he has or had 2 dogs so don't know cause that limits him.
Only time we heard from Chris before is when he was in need of money or when he was sober. Obviously he is neither at this time???? Maybe because for the first time in 20 years we refuse to enable him. No more buying anything--food, pizzas, gas, motels, rent, clothes, tattoo equipment, cars, fixing teeth, and I could go on forever. I refused any contact with him after the way he talked to us and the" wishing we were dead statement!"
Everyone has a breaking point and we have reached ours! Enough is enough and now we just wait and pray that our Chris reaches his end point! Hopefully it will be a good outcome! It is in God's hands!
Thanks for checking on me--Lori
Lori, I hope the hurricane goes easy on you, and that you hear from your son. I know it feels sad to not hear from them, but you and try not to worry and go thru a 'normal' routine of daily tasks... yet then when you hear from him, if it is all a mess, you wish you did not hear from him. (We) just want to the bad stuff to stop and hear some good stuff.... peace. thank you for your thoughtful response to other post.
He's probably hoping the hurricane will make you feel guilty...don't buy into the silent treatment. ..we know a lot of places that are safer than most we can crawl into ...but hoping you and your son and family will all be ok....
Peace
Con
Peace
Con
Thanks Con and yes I know because he was an expert at making me feel guilty and I was a sucker for it and wore that guilt like a badge of honor! Well that is over and no more!
Thanks for well wishes in our Florida weather and I know my son is resourceful, impaired or sober, and will find a safe haven somewhere or with someone!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Thanks for well wishes in our Florida weather and I know my son is resourceful, impaired or sober, and will find a safe haven somewhere or with someone!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Lori,
Hope you weather this storm ok. I moved to West side when I moved back to US. It's safer lolol.. Except for the seasonal people, then as my hubby says it's god's waiting room lolol..
I feel for you, I don't know where my son is. I used to think Ohio, but I don't know. I don't feel that he is dead, I would know I think? but I know he isn't doing good, or he would be calling me to tell me all about how important he is.
xxx
Sue
Hope you weather this storm ok. I moved to West side when I moved back to US. It's safer lolol.. Except for the seasonal people, then as my hubby says it's god's waiting room lolol..
I feel for you, I don't know where my son is. I used to think Ohio, but I don't know. I don't feel that he is dead, I would know I think? but I know he isn't doing good, or he would be calling me to tell me all about how important he is.
xxx
Sue
Hi all--
We did fine through hurricane. No damage and never even lost power. A lot of our friends beach side lost power and trees as well as shingles and roofs. Some got flooding. Now begins the cleanup! But we are Floridians and this is what we do!
Haven't heard a word on my son and don't know where he is at all. He will be losing his license soon as he has a speeding ticket from a month ago in Ga., which he most likely never paid. He also won't have car insurance and that is a license suspension. Bad choices again!
Don't know if he will ever contact us again. He has never gone as far with us, in regards to names he called us and wishing our deaths. If he even knows what he said or did , he will probably never come around again. His life is a mess and only he can choose to change it!
Thanks for checking on us!
Lori
We did fine through hurricane. No damage and never even lost power. A lot of our friends beach side lost power and trees as well as shingles and roofs. Some got flooding. Now begins the cleanup! But we are Floridians and this is what we do!
Haven't heard a word on my son and don't know where he is at all. He will be losing his license soon as he has a speeding ticket from a month ago in Ga., which he most likely never paid. He also won't have car insurance and that is a license suspension. Bad choices again!
Don't know if he will ever contact us again. He has never gone as far with us, in regards to names he called us and wishing our deaths. If he even knows what he said or did , he will probably never come around again. His life is a mess and only he can choose to change it!
Thanks for checking on us!
Lori
