I had been periodically helping my AS with food and have finally had to stop even doing that. It was bad enough that he texted us non stop while we were at our daughters for Christmas but then we get back and he's still texting and calling us for money...."come on, just a couple bucks". We haven't given him any money. I can't even forget some of the awful things he texted while we were gone.
Well, last week I told him I had some dinner leftovers that I could drop off to him. He said that would be great but then asked if he could have a few bucks. I said no and then he proceeded to send messages saying I had better talk to him or he was going to come to my work. He called my work and asked for me and asked for money and then called a second time and I had my co-worker tell him I was busy with a customer. My co-worker manager left for the day and then my son showed up and asked for money. It put me in a very awkward position as I'm a manager at a retail store. The store was busy and I was really afraid he was going to make a scene so I gave him the $7 bucks in my pocket and told him he better never set foot in my building again. I then texted him and said I wanted no more contact with him.
He has been texting and calling still. His dad talks to him and tells him we want nothing more to do with him, that he's trying to take us down with him. He says he's hungry and thirsty. As a mother, I can't stand the thought of it but I know that he would go without a meal if it meant being able to buy drugs. We have told him once again to go for meals at the shelter. He says no.
I cannot believe how much farther he can keep falling. I don't think he's been doing heroin like he was before he detoxed but he admitted to relapsing, of course, blaming it on us not letting him come to our house.
My feelings are that even if he were clean right this minute, his behaviors are all still the same. He wants us to take care of him. He needs this, he needs that....It's amazing to me that they can find drugs but can't manage to get a meal or get to dhs for renewal of food stamps. He is 29 years old. I keep telling myself that it's more than past time to kick this baby bird from the nest. We kept the safety harness on for so many years that we didn't do him or us any favors.
I just can't believe it has now come to the point that I can't even have communication because he just harasses me so much that it's unbearable.
Prayers to you all,
Michelle
I'm so sorry Shell. That must have been so awkward for you. I absolutely understand why you did it though. I gave mine 20 bucks last week to go away too. He came in and was so antsy I knew he had just taken something. He was upstairs, downstairs, walking all over the house and making me nervous because I didn't know what he was up to so I gave him cigarette money because I knew he'd leave then. I felt cornered.
I think we just have to say no constantly and mean it. Maybe if we say it enough they'll stop asking. If he shows up at your job again, would you want to involve the police to have him removed from the premises?
Other than that I don't know what else you could do.
Like mine, the only way they're going to grow up is if we let them deal with the consequences of their own decisions. My parents didn't get involved in my life and I had to figure out things on my own so with my son I did just the opposite.
I tried to shield him and protect him from life really, and do for him. I just thought I was being a loving mom but I see now all I did was unintentionally send him the message that I didn't believe he was capable of making his own choices. Maybe my parents had the right idea.
I read once that an addict stops maturing at the age they started doing drugs and I think that's so true.
I know you're angry at him right now. If it makes you feel any better, I'd like to slap the you- know-what out of him for putting you in that position too. Manipulation didn't work so now he's using extortion and it worked so he may do that again.
I can understand why you'd want to cut off all contact with him, but would you be comfortable doing that? You'd never know if he planned on showing up at your job again. I'm not trying to push you into a decision either way. I'm just thinking of the pro's and con's of cutting off all communication.
hugs my dear friend.. Laurie
I think we just have to say no constantly and mean it. Maybe if we say it enough they'll stop asking. If he shows up at your job again, would you want to involve the police to have him removed from the premises?
Other than that I don't know what else you could do.
Like mine, the only way they're going to grow up is if we let them deal with the consequences of their own decisions. My parents didn't get involved in my life and I had to figure out things on my own so with my son I did just the opposite.
I tried to shield him and protect him from life really, and do for him. I just thought I was being a loving mom but I see now all I did was unintentionally send him the message that I didn't believe he was capable of making his own choices. Maybe my parents had the right idea.
I read once that an addict stops maturing at the age they started doing drugs and I think that's so true.
I know you're angry at him right now. If it makes you feel any better, I'd like to slap the you- know-what out of him for putting you in that position too. Manipulation didn't work so now he's using extortion and it worked so he may do that again.
I can understand why you'd want to cut off all contact with him, but would you be comfortable doing that? You'd never know if he planned on showing up at your job again. I'm not trying to push you into a decision either way. I'm just thinking of the pro's and con's of cutting off all communication.
hugs my dear friend.. Laurie
Shell2639,
I have tracked your story of yourself and your son because it touched me. Before adding any comments regarding your son, or yourself, I'd like to give you a little background of myself, and Son whom is an addict. .. He started at about age 14. He was immediately hooked. He liked being high more than feeling his pain emotionally. I did not realize how serious he was until about age 17... Which was Co Pelly a state of denial of myself since he had broken into a local liquor store at age 14! I continued to believe it was just going to be a teenage partying phase. Ridiculous, I know. It's a definitive problem of substance abuse of breaking an entry or law to use. Fast forward. . He is now 24. So half of his young life he had used. . After 3 DUI charges, court ordered halfway house (left all 4 available in our area)..He also is addicted to meth, and uses pills, ie.. whatever is available. . He claims he, at least, does not shoot up. .. Of course, I think that's just justification for his behavior. He also had a daughter (4) whom he cannot be with (because of the halfway homes, addiction, etc. )
Her mother, not an addict, but negligent. My son was given custody at a time when he was managing quite well for about 1 1/2 years. My precious Grand daughter has cerebral palsy. We ate blessed with her. Her medical issues ate pretty demanding, we are really thankful she has a sharp mind, and is walking (with a stumbling gait). Okay, so this is a pretty big summarization. A few details; as he was living with myself, my parents, and many episodes of drunkenness, high episodes, and not wanting to give up the chance of his sobriety. . Here I am. Watching his daughter living in a situation I never DREAMED of living. I, and my parents have given him food, tons of money, unconditional love etc.
A comment you made triggered this response. .. Your fear for your job. I, too, was a retail assistant at a clothing store. . Training for store management. I loved it! He stopped by several times wanting money. I gave him some to make him go away too. I eventually quit, to take care of my granddaughter when she was about one. She could not walk, or barely crawl.
So, since then, I have supported him for her sake, and my own selfish thoughts of saving him. He spent 2 of her 4 year's Christmases in jail. I guess I finally was waking up at this point. I couldn't allow him around his own daughter or my young children. Now age 20, 14, 14, and 9. Of course, you'd have to subtract from their ages to come to the conclusion that some have only known am addict big brother. I had to feed him on the porch one time. . Left food on the stoop and locked the door. I was scared of him. It really upset me and made me feel like I was feeding a stray dog! I had gone to pick him up one time when the police gave him a break of me picking him up at a bar after causing a fight and being crazy there. He kept jumping out of the car, trying to stay a fight with passing people, to finally cause a HUGE scene in front of Dennys getting up in my face. The staff called the police because they created for my safety and was cussing and screaming. He ended up arrested anyway. Humiliating ! A definitive point in his addiction affecting me personally. He doesn't remember the night or the insults toward me.
There have been several attempts of "saving" him. This particular one made me decide I wouldn't go try to pick him up under any circumstance while under the influence. Okay, so I totally get the deal of not giving your son money or letting him affect your life in the way. I also understand why you "paid" him to go away at your place of employment, or home. I think you have to do what is right for yourself, & family to protect yourselves. Satan has him in his grasp and isn't letting go. I believe that he will not let go until our sons proclaim a love for our God and let him work in their lives to overcome their issues. My son is literally on his own now. He cannot come here in fear of being stayed because he had an active warrant for leaving the halfway house and missing a court date. Now I'm afraid of ANY contact! ! The chances are, he will get arrested on a new charge before he even gets caught on the run from the warrant. Adding more and more time to the inevitable amount of incarceration he already has to serve.
I have a sense of relief, yet still afraid he might put ME in jeopardy of being in trouble with the law. I'm wondering what you should do? ? The truth is, all I can come up with, is trusting God, and following his commands as well as you can. Praying a lot too! ! I will be praying for your son, your family, other's affected by this horrendous way of living. Meantime, being grateful of the many blessings we have. This is a super long post. I hope something I've said helps you in some way. Love your way. ..
I have tracked your story of yourself and your son because it touched me. Before adding any comments regarding your son, or yourself, I'd like to give you a little background of myself, and Son whom is an addict. .. He started at about age 14. He was immediately hooked. He liked being high more than feeling his pain emotionally. I did not realize how serious he was until about age 17... Which was Co Pelly a state of denial of myself since he had broken into a local liquor store at age 14! I continued to believe it was just going to be a teenage partying phase. Ridiculous, I know. It's a definitive problem of substance abuse of breaking an entry or law to use. Fast forward. . He is now 24. So half of his young life he had used. . After 3 DUI charges, court ordered halfway house (left all 4 available in our area)..He also is addicted to meth, and uses pills, ie.. whatever is available. . He claims he, at least, does not shoot up. .. Of course, I think that's just justification for his behavior. He also had a daughter (4) whom he cannot be with (because of the halfway homes, addiction, etc. )
Her mother, not an addict, but negligent. My son was given custody at a time when he was managing quite well for about 1 1/2 years. My precious Grand daughter has cerebral palsy. We ate blessed with her. Her medical issues ate pretty demanding, we are really thankful she has a sharp mind, and is walking (with a stumbling gait). Okay, so this is a pretty big summarization. A few details; as he was living with myself, my parents, and many episodes of drunkenness, high episodes, and not wanting to give up the chance of his sobriety. . Here I am. Watching his daughter living in a situation I never DREAMED of living. I, and my parents have given him food, tons of money, unconditional love etc.
A comment you made triggered this response. .. Your fear for your job. I, too, was a retail assistant at a clothing store. . Training for store management. I loved it! He stopped by several times wanting money. I gave him some to make him go away too. I eventually quit, to take care of my granddaughter when she was about one. She could not walk, or barely crawl.
So, since then, I have supported him for her sake, and my own selfish thoughts of saving him. He spent 2 of her 4 year's Christmases in jail. I guess I finally was waking up at this point. I couldn't allow him around his own daughter or my young children. Now age 20, 14, 14, and 9. Of course, you'd have to subtract from their ages to come to the conclusion that some have only known am addict big brother. I had to feed him on the porch one time. . Left food on the stoop and locked the door. I was scared of him. It really upset me and made me feel like I was feeding a stray dog! I had gone to pick him up one time when the police gave him a break of me picking him up at a bar after causing a fight and being crazy there. He kept jumping out of the car, trying to stay a fight with passing people, to finally cause a HUGE scene in front of Dennys getting up in my face. The staff called the police because they created for my safety and was cussing and screaming. He ended up arrested anyway. Humiliating ! A definitive point in his addiction affecting me personally. He doesn't remember the night or the insults toward me.
There have been several attempts of "saving" him. This particular one made me decide I wouldn't go try to pick him up under any circumstance while under the influence. Okay, so I totally get the deal of not giving your son money or letting him affect your life in the way. I also understand why you "paid" him to go away at your place of employment, or home. I think you have to do what is right for yourself, & family to protect yourselves. Satan has him in his grasp and isn't letting go. I believe that he will not let go until our sons proclaim a love for our God and let him work in their lives to overcome their issues. My son is literally on his own now. He cannot come here in fear of being stayed because he had an active warrant for leaving the halfway house and missing a court date. Now I'm afraid of ANY contact! ! The chances are, he will get arrested on a new charge before he even gets caught on the run from the warrant. Adding more and more time to the inevitable amount of incarceration he already has to serve.
I have a sense of relief, yet still afraid he might put ME in jeopardy of being in trouble with the law. I'm wondering what you should do? ? The truth is, all I can come up with, is trusting God, and following his commands as well as you can. Praying a lot too! ! I will be praying for your son, your family, other's affected by this horrendous way of living. Meantime, being grateful of the many blessings we have. This is a super long post. I hope something I've said helps you in some way. Love your way. ..
Thank you Laurie and mommalove. As you know, it helps so much to just know you aren't alone.
Laurie, Yes, I did what I had to do that day but if he comes in again, I'll be forced to call the police. He does have a warrant still so he really doesn't want the police called on him.
I am always fighting back and forth with myself on what I feel comfortable helping him with, what he should be fully capable of doing himself, what will help him and what will enable him...even when I'm not dealing with him, I'm dealing with him in my head.
I do agree that addicts maturity levels are halted at about the time they started using. He is definitely still a teenager in his mentality. At 29 years old, I had 2 children in school, my husband had served 10 years in the Marine Corps and gotten out and we were living 900 miles away from our families for that 10 years. This kid of ours can't even feed himself.
I will stay strong because I have to for my own sanity. Even if I helped him today, it would not be a permanent fix, it would only be for today because he has no job, sleeps in a friends rat hole apartment, has a warrant, has no long term treatment for his addiction, has not seen or talked to a therapist, etc...
I felt bad that I was put in that position at work the other day but today's a new day and I'll deal with each situation as it arises. For right now, I am limiting my contact with him but that could change.
Laurie, how is your son doing? Working? Has he gone to any meetings or anything?
Mommalove, your grandchild is lucky to have you. Your comment about leaving food on the porch for your son hit the nail on the head. At one point in the summer, I was leaving a bag of food in the back of my truck for my son to pick up. My husband and I said it was like feeding a feral cat.
The things we have all done are things that we did out of love. I don't think we should punish ourselves or regret those things. We just have to grow and learn in very much the same way our addicts do. The Serenity Prayer is something I say daily.
God bless ladies.
Michelle
Laurie, Yes, I did what I had to do that day but if he comes in again, I'll be forced to call the police. He does have a warrant still so he really doesn't want the police called on him.
I am always fighting back and forth with myself on what I feel comfortable helping him with, what he should be fully capable of doing himself, what will help him and what will enable him...even when I'm not dealing with him, I'm dealing with him in my head.
I do agree that addicts maturity levels are halted at about the time they started using. He is definitely still a teenager in his mentality. At 29 years old, I had 2 children in school, my husband had served 10 years in the Marine Corps and gotten out and we were living 900 miles away from our families for that 10 years. This kid of ours can't even feed himself.
I will stay strong because I have to for my own sanity. Even if I helped him today, it would not be a permanent fix, it would only be for today because he has no job, sleeps in a friends rat hole apartment, has a warrant, has no long term treatment for his addiction, has not seen or talked to a therapist, etc...
I felt bad that I was put in that position at work the other day but today's a new day and I'll deal with each situation as it arises. For right now, I am limiting my contact with him but that could change.
Laurie, how is your son doing? Working? Has he gone to any meetings or anything?
Mommalove, your grandchild is lucky to have you. Your comment about leaving food on the porch for your son hit the nail on the head. At one point in the summer, I was leaving a bag of food in the back of my truck for my son to pick up. My husband and I said it was like feeding a feral cat.
The things we have all done are things that we did out of love. I don't think we should punish ourselves or regret those things. We just have to grow and learn in very much the same way our addicts do. The Serenity Prayer is something I say daily.
God bless ladies.
Michelle
Hi Michelle, We here have all been to hell and back again, haven't we? It's said "God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle". I think we learn to handle it as it comes at us. The bottom line is "we can't cure them". They live in a different world from us. They don't want to live in our world and we find their world disgusting. It's a shame and we have been robbed of our kids by drug dealers who want to get rich anyway they can and a government that ignores the problem. Don't give your son anymore money and your right call the police. You won't have to if he has a warrant out for him. Just tell him you will and that should do the trick. It's hard not to feel sorry for him but everything he has done he has chosen to do. He doesn't feel sorry to embarrass you in front of your workmates. I'm including my daughter too when I talk here. They don't care about anything but drugs. We find that strange because we still have feelings. Their feelings were numbed out long time ago with drug use, there gone! Its what they do to be able to survive. It's the saddest thing and we learn to live with it. Your a strong woman who has got this far and us all leaning on each other makes us stronger and we will all get through this one day. God Bless, Mary.
All of your stories touch me and make the feelings of my addict easier to be strong.
A friend at work said to me the other day.
Give your son to God and worry about your life and other children. God will decide if he can be saved either by death or go ding his way back.
It's so hard I quit visiting my son when he put his brother in danger asking him to put up his things again. In his things he had the heroin paraphernalia. My son deny it was his.
He almost lost his arm because he was shooting up.
You would think that he would make an attempt at rehab. Sadly no,now he has a addict g/f and they feed off each other.
He also hounded me at Christmas while I was with grandson. I had to loose my pAtience and told him to go food banks and get dinner. Inside I was crying because I wanted a normal Christmas with my son's.
Last straw he went to his younger brother house who gave him a bike . He even said you will pawn it but good luck. He stole his wallet. But he was wise and had hid it bedroom and chase his big brother down. Found the credit card and ended giving him a beating until he found his wallet in the sand.
Of course he denys it and said it was the g/f wallet he was so high he doesn't realize the Lord's he was sprouting.
I don't know how we all going to go on with our addictive children . But I want to find a way .
We need each other .
Thank you for listening
A friend at work said to me the other day.
Give your son to God and worry about your life and other children. God will decide if he can be saved either by death or go ding his way back.
It's so hard I quit visiting my son when he put his brother in danger asking him to put up his things again. In his things he had the heroin paraphernalia. My son deny it was his.
He almost lost his arm because he was shooting up.
You would think that he would make an attempt at rehab. Sadly no,now he has a addict g/f and they feed off each other.
He also hounded me at Christmas while I was with grandson. I had to loose my pAtience and told him to go food banks and get dinner. Inside I was crying because I wanted a normal Christmas with my son's.
Last straw he went to his younger brother house who gave him a bike . He even said you will pawn it but good luck. He stole his wallet. But he was wise and had hid it bedroom and chase his big brother down. Found the credit card and ended giving him a beating until he found his wallet in the sand.
Of course he denys it and said it was the g/f wallet he was so high he doesn't realize the Lord's he was sprouting.
I don't know how we all going to go on with our addictive children . But I want to find a way .
We need each other .
Thank you for listening
Laurie, how is your son doing? Working? Has he gone to any meetings or anything?
Hi Shell, hmmm.. he seem's to be doing okay. I don't ask too many questions because I don't always get straight answers. I don't believe he's off drugs as he claims though. If anything he's a functional addict which is better than he was before. He's still working so that's a plus. Meetings? He claims he doesn't have a problem.... all his druggie friends would be there.. meetings are the best place to score, etc, etc.. I just get excuses so no, he's not attending any meetings. I don't even ask anymore. I keep my distance from his life. It's healthier for me.
Helpless.. Isn't it mind boggling how they can get caught red handed and yet still deny that they're guilty? and sound so truthful about it? When my son denied stealing things he'd sound so believable that I'd start to question myself and wonder if I was the crazy one.
It's an internal struggle but I had to stop thinking of him as 'my son who's on drugs'.. and think of him first as a drug addict who happens to be my son.
Hi Shell, hmmm.. he seem's to be doing okay. I don't ask too many questions because I don't always get straight answers. I don't believe he's off drugs as he claims though. If anything he's a functional addict which is better than he was before. He's still working so that's a plus. Meetings? He claims he doesn't have a problem.... all his druggie friends would be there.. meetings are the best place to score, etc, etc.. I just get excuses so no, he's not attending any meetings. I don't even ask anymore. I keep my distance from his life. It's healthier for me.
Helpless.. Isn't it mind boggling how they can get caught red handed and yet still deny that they're guilty? and sound so truthful about it? When my son denied stealing things he'd sound so believable that I'd start to question myself and wonder if I was the crazy one.
It's an internal struggle but I had to stop thinking of him as 'my son who's on drugs'.. and think of him first as a drug addict who happens to be my son.
Mom it's incredible the stories.
I said to my son I'm sick of this booked. Closed it and start a new one. But keep your stories straight.
He is in jail and is a petty thief . I honestly don't know what or how we as Parents can change this war on drugs.
I just don't understand how,the why someone would destroy everything to chase that high they are never going to feel again after the first one.
Such sadness
I said to my son I'm sick of this booked. Closed it and start a new one. But keep your stories straight.
He is in jail and is a petty thief . I honestly don't know what or how we as Parents can change this war on drugs.
I just don't understand how,the why someone would destroy everything to chase that high they are never going to feel again after the first one.
Such sadness
I can't speak for everyone but I know our son actually believes all the stories he has fabricated. He really believes that we haven't tried to help him, that he's in the situation he's in because of his ex-girlfriend, that he's tried so hard and we all just turn our backs on him. He really feels like we are rotten because we wouldn't let him come live with us after he detoxed. One week detoxing, no after care, no meetings and of course, we are the reason he relapsed. It's exhausting. I just can't waste my breath and time anymore. I have completely accepted the fact that I can't fix him. The problem is, he still wants us to fix him and his life that he has screwed up so bad, I wouldn't have a clue how to fix it.
Michelle
Michelle
I hear you Michelle. The family won't help. It's not my fault I'm in this situation. Dad won't help. His wife is crazy
I'm getting help I've explained my situation . . Eventually he will be out of jail. I've got to be strong and not answer his phone calls. He can get help and he knows how yo work the system
Sue
I'm getting help I've explained my situation . . Eventually he will be out of jail. I've got to be strong and not answer his phone calls. He can get help and he knows how yo work the system
Sue
