Hey Folks
We got some discouraging news this evening. Sandy needs more tests ,as the intestinal problems seem worse than first thought. The doc prescribed some meds for the problem,and of course more blood tests. We will get by.
As for me- -I got my yearly review at work and Im satified with the % of increase that they gave me. It couldnt have come at a better time. And Goddamnit I frigging deserve it!
Things are the same at the clinic ,as I continue the 40 mg dose. I think that the stress of trying to get totally off (especially at this time) is a bad idea.
Ive met a lot of people at the clinic who are trying the sub route. This is an amazing thing ,as before this year I hardly even knew what sub was.
The vibes I get is that this is the way to go before you get a mdone habit. I also notice that the younger kids are moving in that direction- -instead of mdone maintance.These kids dont want to be on mdone ,so they find a sub doctor quickly. Times are so different from years ago.
So ,just a quick update - - I hope all is well with my people
the best to all -
jack
Diff-ness
How you feeling kiddo?? Im trying to follow your journey and all seems well.
Just follow the yellow brick road.Follow the yellow brick road.....
muchlove
jack
Hi jack, sorry to hear that your good lady is having to undergo further tests. It must be very hard for you both to cope with this, but it's the way life is sometimes. You just amble along, and then, Bam! Life bowls you a googlie (Cricketting term, in case you'd never heard that expression. It means a ball that is unexpectedly hard to hit!). Draw on the tools you acquired in order to deal with your addiction. It's like walking through a minefield, you have to slow things right down and take each step carefully, with patience. Which is hard when your dearest wish is to get to the other side and move on. Remember the key concepts in the serenity prayer. Change the things you can, shelve the stuff you can't, and be wise enough not to get confused between the two. Apart from pushing for the best and quickest medical care, there's not much you can do about the actual medical side, but you have to concentrate your efforts on the emotional fall out, having the right people to talk to about how you both feel, and how you are both coping, and supporting each other through this difficult time. I won't say "stay strong" because you are allowed to have your moments of fear and doubt. It would be unnatural if you didn't. But each day at a time, hey Jack.
And as for me, life is it's usual roller coaster. I've realised that some things are so deeply ingrained in me that I don't even know how to begin to fix them. And that's what I am. I'm a fixer. I see something wrong, I see a person hurting and I want to fix them. But I can't fix everything. And why do I do this? Because I have absolutely no concept of self-contained happiness. I rely 100% for my happiness on those people around me who I love. If they are not happy, I am not happy. My fella came back from Ireland and his head seemed just as messed up as when he left, and we couldn't seem to reach each other emotionally or physically. I take everything he says to heart, and to feel him so distant and lost to me hurts me all the time, a terrible pain that nothing will allieviate. So I get down, I cry alone, coz I can't stop it and see no point in telling him how I feel. He goes through the reason why he's miserable, and asks me why I'm miserable, and what would make me happy again. And I only have one answer. It's impossible for me to rise above it, to be happy in the face of his misery and pessimism. I am unhappy because he is unhappy and unable to show me any love. The only thing that would make me happy would be to know that he is happy, and to feel his love again. I always feel surprised when I realise that not everybody is like me in that respect, that other people can carry around happiness with them, all on their own, that they don't feel plunged into a chasm of darkness when left on their own for a day or two, that they can recollect what love feels like and carry it around with them even when they aren't with the person they love. And maybe that's why Borderlines are so hard to treat, I learn how to live from day to day with my illness, but I can't change the way I feel things. I can't reverse it, I can't make it go away. I can't develop self-contained happiness. All I can do is try and deal with the consequences of that personality fracture when it arises. I can't stop it from happening. All I can do is try and stay alive and try and keep moving without completely imploding.
We tried to talk about it last night, and all his words felt like knives driven right into my heart. Do you feel pain like that? When you feel emotional pain as physical pain, when every part of you, mind, body and soul scream with pain? He keeps telling me that he won't feel like this forever, that he thinks that one day he'll be happy again, and that is a form of torture for me, because every day until that happens is killing me, but I hang on in hope. I know if it was just over, then maybe the pain would begin to recede, that one day I would be able to get over it. But this way I am in limbo, my own happiness shelved until he finds his. I'd more or less decided that, using logic, the only way I could survive this would be just to end it. He tells me that isn't what he wants, but I have consider myself. I can't sacrifice everything for him, when he can't even tell me if things will ever be good between us again. So after a painful evening where nothing got resolved, he went to bed, and I stayed downstairs on my own. Then after a bit, he comes down and asks me to come to bed, and he makes love to me, for about the first time in 5 weeks. And I'm left confused. Does this mean that he's got to a turning point, that he feels able to be close to me again? Or was it just guilt sex, coz he knew that I was crying out for his physical companionship?
I feel so pathetic and hopeless. To be so entirely dependent on a man who abuses me for my own happiness. I've backed a loser here, haven't I?
love
Diff xxx
Oh, and I went to sleep and dreamed of smack all night. The dreams have returned with a vengence. The more unhappy I feel, the more potent the dream. There was nothing complicated about my dream. I just met up with a dealer who I have known for years and years and even though I've been out of the loop for a long time, I know he'd sort me any time. And despite the pregnancy, which was there in my dream, I still scored. And I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to end. And when I woke, I lay there a long time, thinking about it.
And as for me, life is it's usual roller coaster. I've realised that some things are so deeply ingrained in me that I don't even know how to begin to fix them. And that's what I am. I'm a fixer. I see something wrong, I see a person hurting and I want to fix them. But I can't fix everything. And why do I do this? Because I have absolutely no concept of self-contained happiness. I rely 100% for my happiness on those people around me who I love. If they are not happy, I am not happy. My fella came back from Ireland and his head seemed just as messed up as when he left, and we couldn't seem to reach each other emotionally or physically. I take everything he says to heart, and to feel him so distant and lost to me hurts me all the time, a terrible pain that nothing will allieviate. So I get down, I cry alone, coz I can't stop it and see no point in telling him how I feel. He goes through the reason why he's miserable, and asks me why I'm miserable, and what would make me happy again. And I only have one answer. It's impossible for me to rise above it, to be happy in the face of his misery and pessimism. I am unhappy because he is unhappy and unable to show me any love. The only thing that would make me happy would be to know that he is happy, and to feel his love again. I always feel surprised when I realise that not everybody is like me in that respect, that other people can carry around happiness with them, all on their own, that they don't feel plunged into a chasm of darkness when left on their own for a day or two, that they can recollect what love feels like and carry it around with them even when they aren't with the person they love. And maybe that's why Borderlines are so hard to treat, I learn how to live from day to day with my illness, but I can't change the way I feel things. I can't reverse it, I can't make it go away. I can't develop self-contained happiness. All I can do is try and deal with the consequences of that personality fracture when it arises. I can't stop it from happening. All I can do is try and stay alive and try and keep moving without completely imploding.
We tried to talk about it last night, and all his words felt like knives driven right into my heart. Do you feel pain like that? When you feel emotional pain as physical pain, when every part of you, mind, body and soul scream with pain? He keeps telling me that he won't feel like this forever, that he thinks that one day he'll be happy again, and that is a form of torture for me, because every day until that happens is killing me, but I hang on in hope. I know if it was just over, then maybe the pain would begin to recede, that one day I would be able to get over it. But this way I am in limbo, my own happiness shelved until he finds his. I'd more or less decided that, using logic, the only way I could survive this would be just to end it. He tells me that isn't what he wants, but I have consider myself. I can't sacrifice everything for him, when he can't even tell me if things will ever be good between us again. So after a painful evening where nothing got resolved, he went to bed, and I stayed downstairs on my own. Then after a bit, he comes down and asks me to come to bed, and he makes love to me, for about the first time in 5 weeks. And I'm left confused. Does this mean that he's got to a turning point, that he feels able to be close to me again? Or was it just guilt sex, coz he knew that I was crying out for his physical companionship?
I feel so pathetic and hopeless. To be so entirely dependent on a man who abuses me for my own happiness. I've backed a loser here, haven't I?
love
Diff xxx
Oh, and I went to sleep and dreamed of smack all night. The dreams have returned with a vengence. The more unhappy I feel, the more potent the dream. There was nothing complicated about my dream. I just met up with a dealer who I have known for years and years and even though I've been out of the loop for a long time, I know he'd sort me any time. And despite the pregnancy, which was there in my dream, I still scored. And I didn't care. I just wanted the pain to end. And when I woke, I lay there a long time, thinking about it.
Jack
Sending you prayers and kind thoughts and all that stuff because words don't really hit the spot at times like this and not knowing you it wouldn't mean so much. But I know you through the board and i know from experience how hard this is and I've every confidence that you will be strong.
k
x
Diff Diff Diff
What is a girl to say - you are not pathetic and hopeless you've just beat the Brown for Fxxxs sake. And you have beaten it dreams don't count and I think you think too much of that little person inside no matter what fears you have to risk harming him/her with smack.
Being scared of being alone, being needy, needing him, even though he's a twat been there and worse thinking that by needing them that he'll love me and it'll all be okay - been there oh so many times, crying boozing more crying more needing counting the weeks since we last made love .....
And not understanding how he can't love me, what have I done...
Crazily what woke me up to how pathetic I used to be was meeting my current long term boyfriend an H addict. Out of all the million of blokes that I've known he's turned out to be the gold at the end of the rainbow. Why cuz Diff he's probably like you and a lot of others on here - he's felt the terrible pain and madness that is living in that brown haze. He's learnt who to trust, who to avoid and how to survive, the meaning of true friendship, humanity and integrity and there's no mind games he's strong and you are too - when you've been where you have and broken free you can't let some poxy relationship bring you down.
It's my guess that cuz the drugs surpress so much stuff that when you're clean you want it all and thats when you jump in with both feet.
I used to drink a bit and it was always when I wasn't drinking that I'd fall in love like a lunatic and end up with some loser because i needed something to replace it. It took me a long time to figure that one out.
You don't need this guy of yours you want him but you're way bigger than this whole needing him thing.
I don't do the wanting love bit anymore but that's not because I'm stronger I just learnt the hard way. I have learnt to be independent because that is what life is all about us as individuals.
No prince charming will rescue us, make us happier or make our lives better and with my man now each day may be our last - a little too much in that needle - one bad bag - I know that all that I can rely on is me and my child and we're happy.
You and your baby will find happiness in each other.
Stay as strong as you are
Karen
Sending you prayers and kind thoughts and all that stuff because words don't really hit the spot at times like this and not knowing you it wouldn't mean so much. But I know you through the board and i know from experience how hard this is and I've every confidence that you will be strong.
k
x
Diff Diff Diff
What is a girl to say - you are not pathetic and hopeless you've just beat the Brown for Fxxxs sake. And you have beaten it dreams don't count and I think you think too much of that little person inside no matter what fears you have to risk harming him/her with smack.
Being scared of being alone, being needy, needing him, even though he's a twat been there and worse thinking that by needing them that he'll love me and it'll all be okay - been there oh so many times, crying boozing more crying more needing counting the weeks since we last made love .....
And not understanding how he can't love me, what have I done...
Crazily what woke me up to how pathetic I used to be was meeting my current long term boyfriend an H addict. Out of all the million of blokes that I've known he's turned out to be the gold at the end of the rainbow. Why cuz Diff he's probably like you and a lot of others on here - he's felt the terrible pain and madness that is living in that brown haze. He's learnt who to trust, who to avoid and how to survive, the meaning of true friendship, humanity and integrity and there's no mind games he's strong and you are too - when you've been where you have and broken free you can't let some poxy relationship bring you down.
It's my guess that cuz the drugs surpress so much stuff that when you're clean you want it all and thats when you jump in with both feet.
I used to drink a bit and it was always when I wasn't drinking that I'd fall in love like a lunatic and end up with some loser because i needed something to replace it. It took me a long time to figure that one out.
You don't need this guy of yours you want him but you're way bigger than this whole needing him thing.
I don't do the wanting love bit anymore but that's not because I'm stronger I just learnt the hard way. I have learnt to be independent because that is what life is all about us as individuals.
No prince charming will rescue us, make us happier or make our lives better and with my man now each day may be our last - a little too much in that needle - one bad bag - I know that all that I can rely on is me and my child and we're happy.
You and your baby will find happiness in each other.
Stay as strong as you are
Karen
Hi Karen, you know I feel like I have replaced one addiction for another. When I met him, I'd been on my own for about 8 weeks, and those 8 weeks were so tough. I felt so lonely. And then we met, and I have no crystal ball, I can't see into the future. I suddenly had someone who would call me on the phone, who would drop by to see me, who seemed to care about me, who worried and fretted if I didn't call him for a while. We tested each other in our own little ways. I left it over two weeks without getting in touch with him when we had been seeing each other for a few weeks, just to see if he'd make the effort. And eventually, reluctantly he called me in the end. He said he wasn't interested in a long term relationship, and I was fine with that. Just having him as a lover made me feel good. I felt sort of grown up, living alone, with my own little flat, my security, and a lover who would come calling late at night and crawl into my bed whilst I was sleeping. Someone to go to places with, to have fun with, to talk to. I had learned to be pretty cagey about my personal life, I didn't like talking about sensitive issues. It's hard to tell someone you are a newly clean heroin addict, and you suffer from a serious mental illness. I agonised for a long time about telling him, but eventually I did. Maybe I shouldn't have told him. I think in his subconscious (and I have to believe it was subconscious) he realised that I was vulnerable, I was easy to manipulate, I was idealistic. He had lots of needs he wanted fulfilling, and I seemed to fit the bill. Single, not working, attractive, loved our sex life, intelligent, and crying out for love. I couldn't believe it when a couple of months into our relationship he bought me a car. Then he persuaded me to give up my flat and move in with him.
I'd been more or less living with him anyway, but I still had my own flat, and I didn't realise how much that meant to me until I gave it up. The day I moved in with him, I found myself sitting on the bed and bawling my eyes out, realising that I may have made a mistake here, that I'd given up my independence for a man who didn't even love me. But true to form, I made my bed so I thought I'd try and make the best of it. Things started to go wrong between us. I felt insecure and unwanted. He seemed to want me for all the practical things I could do for him, but didn't seem to be able to give me any love. But I thought I'd make him love me. I'm a lovable person. All my life I've had men fall in love with me at the drop of a hat. Eventually he would feel love for me. And sure enough, on March 3rd, he told me he loved me. He'd just beaten me black and blue, but who cares about a little thing like that, when he finally admitted he loved me... He knelt on the floor in front of me and cried, and I forgave him, and held him in my arms.
I should have turned and ran then, but I'd burnt my bridges. I had nowhere to run to. He made me a lot of promises, which one by one he broke. I was still reticent about telling him I loved him. I knew he ached to hear me say it, but I felt that to give that up would somehow make me the loser. Weird, I know. He learned to rely on me more and more. I wanted to work, he talked me out of it, liking having the little woman at home. I discovered he was one of those men who have a void inside, a dangerous man who wants a woman to give all of herself to him, and bit by bit I did it, trying to fill the void inside. But what happens when you give all that you are, you pour every ounce of love you have into that man, and still the void isn't full? I discovered that he wanted more than I could possibly give, and when I couldn't give it the anger would come flooding out.
We did have good times. We had a lot of fun. When I finally felt I could trust him enough to tell him I loved him, he couldn't hear those words enough. He would ask me and ask me to say it, to tell him how much I loved him, as if it was a measurable quantity. We had a brilliant sex life, we couldn't get enough of each other, and both gained comfort and confidence from our physical closeness. Which I think ended up as our downfall, coz perhaps if we hadn't been so rapt with each other we would have been less complacent about contraception.
And now with me being pregnant, it's brought all the underlying tensions to the fore. He feels gutted, coz he thinks he's losing me. He doesn't want to share me, not even with his own child, and he keeps lashing out at me, coz he's realised that I'm not going to be there to fulfill his every need any more, coz I'm going to have a baby to look after. And I can't put right what's wrong, I can't make him see things the way I do. So it's either wait and see if he does come round, if he does start to see the positive, or just leave him to it, and get on with my own life.
Right I gotta go, I need to acquire the services of a dog sitter for my boy tomorrow, coz we're both out for the day...
love
Diff xxxx
I'd been more or less living with him anyway, but I still had my own flat, and I didn't realise how much that meant to me until I gave it up. The day I moved in with him, I found myself sitting on the bed and bawling my eyes out, realising that I may have made a mistake here, that I'd given up my independence for a man who didn't even love me. But true to form, I made my bed so I thought I'd try and make the best of it. Things started to go wrong between us. I felt insecure and unwanted. He seemed to want me for all the practical things I could do for him, but didn't seem to be able to give me any love. But I thought I'd make him love me. I'm a lovable person. All my life I've had men fall in love with me at the drop of a hat. Eventually he would feel love for me. And sure enough, on March 3rd, he told me he loved me. He'd just beaten me black and blue, but who cares about a little thing like that, when he finally admitted he loved me... He knelt on the floor in front of me and cried, and I forgave him, and held him in my arms.
I should have turned and ran then, but I'd burnt my bridges. I had nowhere to run to. He made me a lot of promises, which one by one he broke. I was still reticent about telling him I loved him. I knew he ached to hear me say it, but I felt that to give that up would somehow make me the loser. Weird, I know. He learned to rely on me more and more. I wanted to work, he talked me out of it, liking having the little woman at home. I discovered he was one of those men who have a void inside, a dangerous man who wants a woman to give all of herself to him, and bit by bit I did it, trying to fill the void inside. But what happens when you give all that you are, you pour every ounce of love you have into that man, and still the void isn't full? I discovered that he wanted more than I could possibly give, and when I couldn't give it the anger would come flooding out.
We did have good times. We had a lot of fun. When I finally felt I could trust him enough to tell him I loved him, he couldn't hear those words enough. He would ask me and ask me to say it, to tell him how much I loved him, as if it was a measurable quantity. We had a brilliant sex life, we couldn't get enough of each other, and both gained comfort and confidence from our physical closeness. Which I think ended up as our downfall, coz perhaps if we hadn't been so rapt with each other we would have been less complacent about contraception.
And now with me being pregnant, it's brought all the underlying tensions to the fore. He feels gutted, coz he thinks he's losing me. He doesn't want to share me, not even with his own child, and he keeps lashing out at me, coz he's realised that I'm not going to be there to fulfill his every need any more, coz I'm going to have a baby to look after. And I can't put right what's wrong, I can't make him see things the way I do. So it's either wait and see if he does come round, if he does start to see the positive, or just leave him to it, and get on with my own life.
Right I gotta go, I need to acquire the services of a dog sitter for my boy tomorrow, coz we're both out for the day...
love
Diff xxxx
Hey you guys......I actually popped in to see how Jack's lady was doing, and to see this it really sucks......I'm sorry Jack.......intestinal stuff too has to be the worse.......I have a friend with colitis, and one with Crohns......awful things.
Hopefully those new tests give some hope, and at least a little good news.
That 40 is pretty dang good if ya ask me Jack.......no way would it be a good idea to set in to go off that now........not even go down anymore......you are needed, and needed 100% so it's no big whoop if ya stay at the 40 I think anyway.....you're hanging good there, Jack...doing good.
Oh, Diff, Oh, Diff, Diff........EYE-Curumba........you're one strong chickie, and a mama to be none the less........eaiser said than done, but trust me you will never be ALONE again......maybe lonely......but not alone.....you'll be wishing you can just go pee-pee without an interuption before ya know it........no offense to our Brothers on here, but the heck with these guys.......they ain't our blood, but our children are...even adoption we have these kids in our hearts bigger and badder than any fellow, and they're a pain in the arse anyways......I know that's the last thing ya wanna hear, but hellabusta wit em.....LOL....hang on there, Sister cause you're rocking it sober, and ya gotta keep it that way....dreams are just that..........although we all know how powerful the using dreams are.
Diff, it's a full moon...............the Harvest moon, and no joke I swear it got us all wacky, and sad, and alone.........I mean lonely although I don't know the meaning of that cause every guy I know ain't worht my tears or pain or even a thought......seriously..........plus this dang teenager got me NUTZZZZZZZ.
Peace everybody........let's blame it on that moon.
Hopefully those new tests give some hope, and at least a little good news.
That 40 is pretty dang good if ya ask me Jack.......no way would it be a good idea to set in to go off that now........not even go down anymore......you are needed, and needed 100% so it's no big whoop if ya stay at the 40 I think anyway.....you're hanging good there, Jack...doing good.
Oh, Diff, Oh, Diff, Diff........EYE-Curumba........you're one strong chickie, and a mama to be none the less........eaiser said than done, but trust me you will never be ALONE again......maybe lonely......but not alone.....you'll be wishing you can just go pee-pee without an interuption before ya know it........no offense to our Brothers on here, but the heck with these guys.......they ain't our blood, but our children are...even adoption we have these kids in our hearts bigger and badder than any fellow, and they're a pain in the arse anyways......I know that's the last thing ya wanna hear, but hellabusta wit em.....LOL....hang on there, Sister cause you're rocking it sober, and ya gotta keep it that way....dreams are just that..........although we all know how powerful the using dreams are.
Diff, it's a full moon...............the Harvest moon, and no joke I swear it got us all wacky, and sad, and alone.........I mean lonely although I don't know the meaning of that cause every guy I know ain't worht my tears or pain or even a thought......seriously..........plus this dang teenager got me NUTZZZZZZZ.
Peace everybody........let's blame it on that moon.
Jack.
Hope you're okay
Karen
Hope you're okay
Karen
Hi there Jack, what's happening my good buddy? How's the tests going? How you bearing up?
Much love, as always,
diff xxxx
Much love, as always,
diff xxxx
Morning
As you all can see its 4 AM & Im up once again. This is nothing new ,but lately with all the stress and whats going on its a little depressing to be awake any longer than I have to be.
Sandy is getting so fustrated with all the tests and no real answears that she wants to stop going to all these doctors.She is always exhausted and has a bad pain in her side and lower area. I cant explain enough to her ,that she must follow thru because this could be serious- - but she can be stubborn.
-
Besides the issues with her- I myself seem to be in a funk. I just cant get motivated .I seem to be tired of the repititon of my life. Up at dawn- drink my dose- curse the traffic on the way to work- curse work- - look at the clock all day- curse all the phone calls & e-mails I get at work all day long. Finally its time to go home- curse the traffic again- get home and realize I have nothing to do but maybe cook a dinner and wait till enough hours pass until I fall asleep ,only to start this cycle all over again.
I think my son can see the difference in my behavior- but he has seen so many changes thru the years, he doesnt even question anything. -
I,m not concerned that Ill gravitate towards drug use to break the monotony,but it seems that for the first time in a long time -something is missing ,as much as Ive done and experianced- I feel like a underachiever. Now this is far from true- but I cant shake this feeling I have that Im letting too much time slip by without making a real mark- a real difference.
Of course Im not looking to change the world- - just need to get back on track-
We all probably feel this way at one time or another. Im sure these feelings will pass. Since I stopped therapy ,it might just be a lack of an outlet to get this sh*t out.
Until I set up new meetings ,Im just going to use you guys as my therapists.
Thanks and well talk later
jack
As you all can see its 4 AM & Im up once again. This is nothing new ,but lately with all the stress and whats going on its a little depressing to be awake any longer than I have to be.
Sandy is getting so fustrated with all the tests and no real answears that she wants to stop going to all these doctors.She is always exhausted and has a bad pain in her side and lower area. I cant explain enough to her ,that she must follow thru because this could be serious- - but she can be stubborn.
-
Besides the issues with her- I myself seem to be in a funk. I just cant get motivated .I seem to be tired of the repititon of my life. Up at dawn- drink my dose- curse the traffic on the way to work- curse work- - look at the clock all day- curse all the phone calls & e-mails I get at work all day long. Finally its time to go home- curse the traffic again- get home and realize I have nothing to do but maybe cook a dinner and wait till enough hours pass until I fall asleep ,only to start this cycle all over again.
I think my son can see the difference in my behavior- but he has seen so many changes thru the years, he doesnt even question anything. -
I,m not concerned that Ill gravitate towards drug use to break the monotony,but it seems that for the first time in a long time -something is missing ,as much as Ive done and experianced- I feel like a underachiever. Now this is far from true- but I cant shake this feeling I have that Im letting too much time slip by without making a real mark- a real difference.
Of course Im not looking to change the world- - just need to get back on track-
We all probably feel this way at one time or another. Im sure these feelings will pass. Since I stopped therapy ,it might just be a lack of an outlet to get this sh*t out.
Until I set up new meetings ,Im just going to use you guys as my therapists.
Thanks and well talk later
jack
Hiya Jack, sorry to hear things aren't going so well, and that you're feeling disenchanted with life at the moment. I'm no expert, but in my experience, when things in one area of our lives are going a bit awry, especially if it's something that is completely out of our control, that basically rolls in out of the blue and starts dictating to us (like your girlfirends health worries), then we feel the "overspill" in other areas of our lives, and it casts a grey pall over everything.
Don't give yourself a hard time thinking about whether you're an underacheiver or not. It's all relative - don't judge yourself by other people's standards. I know that on paper, I'm a classic under-achiever. I haven't achieved hardly any of the things that society places such misplaced value on. But in terms of my own personal journey, I'm very content with who I am. Some talents and personal qualities don't equate to wealth and social standing, but if you look inside and are happy with who you are, then you're far better off than most people.
Jack, you are kind, you are compassionate, you are understanding, non-judgemental, funny, hard working, a pleasure to know. And you've had one hell of a life, and have been on journeys, journeys that set you apart from most other people. You've seen and experienced things that the vast majority of people have absolutely no concept of, and you've shown strength and courage in the battles you have fought. Remember that the majority of people you know, particularly through work, have never had to face the things that you have faced, so take a step back, find your grounding, and know that you are one in a million!
all my love
Diff xxxxx
Don't give yourself a hard time thinking about whether you're an underacheiver or not. It's all relative - don't judge yourself by other people's standards. I know that on paper, I'm a classic under-achiever. I haven't achieved hardly any of the things that society places such misplaced value on. But in terms of my own personal journey, I'm very content with who I am. Some talents and personal qualities don't equate to wealth and social standing, but if you look inside and are happy with who you are, then you're far better off than most people.
Jack, you are kind, you are compassionate, you are understanding, non-judgemental, funny, hard working, a pleasure to know. And you've had one hell of a life, and have been on journeys, journeys that set you apart from most other people. You've seen and experienced things that the vast majority of people have absolutely no concept of, and you've shown strength and courage in the battles you have fought. Remember that the majority of people you know, particularly through work, have never had to face the things that you have faced, so take a step back, find your grounding, and know that you are one in a million!
all my love
Diff xxxxx
Jack, I have to agree with everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that Diff said, she is so brillliant with words, I envy her of that.
Take care of yourself Jack.
Have a look and see if you can get into Yoga Nidra, it is fantastic for relaxing.
No movement required, just lay back and listen.
Take care of yourself, sweet lovely Jack.
Karen.
Take care of yourself Jack.
Have a look and see if you can get into Yoga Nidra, it is fantastic for relaxing.
No movement required, just lay back and listen.
Take care of yourself, sweet lovely Jack.
Karen.
Diff
Thanks for so many kind words. They really do help. Sometimes, I guess all we need, is someone to verbalize their believe in us. Your encourcouraging , & complimentory words were just what I needed.
Somedays the presurres of life can walk you to the edge & yet all it takes is people like you and Karen to make me realize its not that bad- Hell- Im not that bad.
Feeling much better today,although nothing has changed but my out look.
Thanking you guys for really being my friend
love jack
Thanks for so many kind words. They really do help. Sometimes, I guess all we need, is someone to verbalize their believe in us. Your encourcouraging , & complimentory words were just what I needed.
Somedays the presurres of life can walk you to the edge & yet all it takes is people like you and Karen to make me realize its not that bad- Hell- Im not that bad.
Feeling much better today,although nothing has changed but my out look.
Thanking you guys for really being my friend
love jack
Jack, my friend, I'm just telling the truth.
love you
Diff xxxx
love you
Diff xxxx
"We all probably feel this way at one time or another. Im sure these feelings will pass. Since I stopped therapy ,it might just be a lack of an outlet to get this sh*t out."
Jack,
Feelings change but they never completely pass...i think addicts tend to get more overwhelmed by their feelings than others and have less of an ability to sort or identify their specific nature or cause....they get stuck....afraid..and use their DOC to both suppress and hopefully eradicate their ability to feel..but unfortunately those feelings still remain...in a twilight sleep if you will.
I don't know if it is the same in the opiate world but as a recovering alcoholic i was taught that putting the stopper in the bottle was actually the first and easiest step in recovery....dealing with all that emotional baggage that i put on hold for all those years with the booze was gonna be the lifetime 'trial of fire' for me.
Even when the substance abused is absent...the 'addict' in us sometimes unconsciously employs other methods of shelving or staying out of touch with our emotions. You might haved 'unconsciously' used the repetitiveness of your daily routine to distance yourself from your feelings. You mentioned something about lack of sleep means more time to be awake and aware.....sleep should be for resting not really as an avenue of 'escape'.
Stopping therapy was another way to avoid dealing with these feelings. Your gf's present illness has punched a mental hole into the repetitive but safe routine of everyday life....jolting you out that automaton way of life....the feelings that were left on hold for a time are starting to creep back in...even to the point of your questioning your own mortality at this stage in life.
I don't think you are feeling so much the underachiever (the addict's typical negative but very 'slippery' 'setting yoursef up' point of view) as you are feeling overwhelmed again.
Jack.....you stated with utmost certainty that you are not setting yourself up for a slip...there are no 100 percents guarantees in the future of our recovery..we cannot predict our tomorrows....this mindset is dangerous in of itself as you are letting your logic dictate and shelve your feelings.
We are never in control until we give up our control and admit to feeling out of control.
A constipated feeling is your gut red flagging
that something is stuck and about to blow..
pray it isn't your recovery....just a well needed
theraputic 'wind'..
luv MARY
Jack,
Feelings change but they never completely pass...i think addicts tend to get more overwhelmed by their feelings than others and have less of an ability to sort or identify their specific nature or cause....they get stuck....afraid..and use their DOC to both suppress and hopefully eradicate their ability to feel..but unfortunately those feelings still remain...in a twilight sleep if you will.
I don't know if it is the same in the opiate world but as a recovering alcoholic i was taught that putting the stopper in the bottle was actually the first and easiest step in recovery....dealing with all that emotional baggage that i put on hold for all those years with the booze was gonna be the lifetime 'trial of fire' for me.
Even when the substance abused is absent...the 'addict' in us sometimes unconsciously employs other methods of shelving or staying out of touch with our emotions. You might haved 'unconsciously' used the repetitiveness of your daily routine to distance yourself from your feelings. You mentioned something about lack of sleep means more time to be awake and aware.....sleep should be for resting not really as an avenue of 'escape'.
Stopping therapy was another way to avoid dealing with these feelings. Your gf's present illness has punched a mental hole into the repetitive but safe routine of everyday life....jolting you out that automaton way of life....the feelings that were left on hold for a time are starting to creep back in...even to the point of your questioning your own mortality at this stage in life.
I don't think you are feeling so much the underachiever (the addict's typical negative but very 'slippery' 'setting yoursef up' point of view) as you are feeling overwhelmed again.
Jack.....you stated with utmost certainty that you are not setting yourself up for a slip...there are no 100 percents guarantees in the future of our recovery..we cannot predict our tomorrows....this mindset is dangerous in of itself as you are letting your logic dictate and shelve your feelings.
We are never in control until we give up our control and admit to feeling out of control.
A constipated feeling is your gut red flagging
that something is stuck and about to blow..
pray it isn't your recovery....just a well needed
theraputic 'wind'..
luv MARY
Wow Mary-
Ive paid good money for less .. You certainly broke down my feelings bit by bit and came up with pretty good conclusions. I will agree with much ,but I cant say all.
Im not to sure Im looking at sleep as an escape route- I was only trying to go over the repitition of my days lately.
As far as setting my self up- well that might be true,even though I would deny it to the end..
Just the fact that you took the time to respond ,with sincerity, and try to help me think about the speed bumps in my life right now shows me that I have another good friend on here .
Thanks for pointing out different things that I cant see or refuse to .
love
jack
Ive paid good money for less .. You certainly broke down my feelings bit by bit and came up with pretty good conclusions. I will agree with much ,but I cant say all.
Im not to sure Im looking at sleep as an escape route- I was only trying to go over the repitition of my days lately.
As far as setting my self up- well that might be true,even though I would deny it to the end..
Just the fact that you took the time to respond ,with sincerity, and try to help me think about the speed bumps in my life right now shows me that I have another good friend on here .
Thanks for pointing out different things that I cant see or refuse to .
love
jack
