Finally! Family out of the house. I can rest, have some tea. To everyone who responded to my last thread a heart felt THANKYOU to each and everyone of you. In the spirit of honesty I'd like to share some things running through my mind today. Hearing all of your stories- the hell you went through is humbling, eye opening and frightening. Part of me is grateful that I (hope) I do not have to get to that point while the other part of me is saying "well, they went through way worse and they survived, maybe I can take pills awhile longer". Sick I know. Cowgirl- my husband does not know. He knows I like them and take them occationally but has NO idea the amount and frequency it has gotten too. I think I will tell him eventually as he is a wonderful man and although he may not understand (he smokes pot occasionally but has never struggled with addiction) I'm sure he would support me. I'm just really embarrassed and afraid- but I can't imagine keeping something like this from him for much longer. I do have one friend, a recovering alcoholic who I have told and she has been awesome, I know I need to give her a call this weekend. I'm trying to take it one day at a time but man my head keeps trying to convince me of how much easier life (for me motherhood for the most part) is on pills. The energy those little f*****s give me, well I would be lying if I said I would not miss that. Laundry was fun, vacuuming and cleaning house-not so bad, cranky tantrum throwing children-easy! As long as I had my "mothers little helpers". The pressures of motherhood- for me-is why I started in the first place. They gave me that first pill in the hospital after having my daughter and all of the scary, insecure, first mom jitters instantly gone. I've been hooked ever since. Anyway, enough rambling for now, I'm gonna go try to get a bath in before kids get home. Thanks for reading.
It helps me, I've found, that others know of my addiction. For one thing, it gives me some people to be accountable to.
In my active addiction I was very secretive. No one knew of my little problem except me. Therefore I had freedom do drop back into it at my discretion.
First, I told the people on this board, then the people in the rooms of NA, and finally my family and close friends.
I haven't run into one person that isn't understanding and supportive. I don't feel the need to blab it to the whole world, but if I run into someone who reacts negatively, I'll just steer around them.
Having folks around me that understand my addiction gives me support and makes me accountable to more than myself. All that helps, especially in very early recovery.
Before, I was driving an empty bus that bounced all over the countryside. Now, the bus of my life is full of passengers who are paying attention to where I drive and I have a higher power as my copilot.
My suggestion (only a suggestion) would be to let your husband help you. He may be hurt if you do this alone and don't confide in him. You can't keep this from him forever. Do it as a team. You need some passengers on your bus.
As I move on, accountability to myself becomes more important and of course to God.
In my active addiction I was very secretive. No one knew of my little problem except me. Therefore I had freedom do drop back into it at my discretion.
First, I told the people on this board, then the people in the rooms of NA, and finally my family and close friends.
I haven't run into one person that isn't understanding and supportive. I don't feel the need to blab it to the whole world, but if I run into someone who reacts negatively, I'll just steer around them.
Having folks around me that understand my addiction gives me support and makes me accountable to more than myself. All that helps, especially in very early recovery.
Before, I was driving an empty bus that bounced all over the countryside. Now, the bus of my life is full of passengers who are paying attention to where I drive and I have a higher power as my copilot.
My suggestion (only a suggestion) would be to let your husband help you. He may be hurt if you do this alone and don't confide in him. You can't keep this from him forever. Do it as a team. You need some passengers on your bus.
As I move on, accountability to myself becomes more important and of course to God.
I want to tell my husband- I've come so close but then shame and guilt kick in. I have a strong sense that I will just don't know when. I know this sounds lame but although we are very close, these days it feels like we are two ships passing in the night. He works two jobs, we've got a 4yr old and a 20mo old, house, yard etc....When we do get time to talk, really talk, we are both exhausted. I can identify with how you felt about not having anyone to be accountable to. I think I will be much less likely to take a pill if I tell some people. Just even posting the truth here helped me get through the past two days. I kept thinking "I don't wanna get on that board and admit that I took something". So I know telling people can be powerful. Thanks for your reply. I LOVE this board:)
The fact that u r aware of the little tricks ur mind can use on u to use is very perceptive. Im glad ur not having any serious withdrawels. I went thru years of using fairly regularly and experiencing minor wds before my first 'real' withdrawel, which wasnt that bad because I didnt know what it was until it was over. At the time I was still using other non narcotic drugs which probably covered them.
But as time goes on, or went on, they got worse and lasted longer. They are something I just couldnt handle nowadays. But I think maybe u will be lucky and catch a break.
As far as your husband, as you know, there are ways to tell him and ways to tell him. The best way, I think, should not follow the line of "Honey, I'm addicted to narcotics and HAVE Become a Junkie."
The fact that he smokes weed and allready knows you like perks or whatever it is you are taking should make it a lot easier then you think. I think if u talk to him in a calm way and tell him that you need his help because you have come to realize that u count on these pills way too much and without knowing how it happened u have crossed the line from occasional user , to addict. You have been trying to stop, but it has been very difficult. (I'm sure this will probably happen naturally, but if ur the kind of girl who doesn't like to cry, as you are taliking crying would not hurt)
I think I have perceived from what you have said so far that you love and respect each other. I think he will do everything he can to support you. Imagine how much you would do to help him if he came to you with a problem looking for your support.
The fact that he gets high once in a while indicates to me that he probably has a little more understanding then u might think.
Young lady, you are going to do well, and not too far in the future you will remember the day you finally decided to quit, and you will thank yourself. You will blossem into your true self and realize that not only have you learned to live without drugs, but through a recovery program and growth you will become more satisfied then you were using.
Sammy ( a girl who posts on here) once answered a question of mine when I was stuggeling and asking about happiness without drugs. I HOPE SHE READS THIS AND RE TELLS WHAT SHE SAID IN ANSWER TO ME. Or if not, maybe I can look up the post from a couple years ago and repost the whole thread. IT IS SO WORTH READING WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY.
But as time goes on, or went on, they got worse and lasted longer. They are something I just couldnt handle nowadays. But I think maybe u will be lucky and catch a break.
As far as your husband, as you know, there are ways to tell him and ways to tell him. The best way, I think, should not follow the line of "Honey, I'm addicted to narcotics and HAVE Become a Junkie."
The fact that he smokes weed and allready knows you like perks or whatever it is you are taking should make it a lot easier then you think. I think if u talk to him in a calm way and tell him that you need his help because you have come to realize that u count on these pills way too much and without knowing how it happened u have crossed the line from occasional user , to addict. You have been trying to stop, but it has been very difficult. (I'm sure this will probably happen naturally, but if ur the kind of girl who doesn't like to cry, as you are taliking crying would not hurt)
I think I have perceived from what you have said so far that you love and respect each other. I think he will do everything he can to support you. Imagine how much you would do to help him if he came to you with a problem looking for your support.
The fact that he gets high once in a while indicates to me that he probably has a little more understanding then u might think.
Young lady, you are going to do well, and not too far in the future you will remember the day you finally decided to quit, and you will thank yourself. You will blossem into your true self and realize that not only have you learned to live without drugs, but through a recovery program and growth you will become more satisfied then you were using.
Sammy ( a girl who posts on here) once answered a question of mine when I was stuggeling and asking about happiness without drugs. I HOPE SHE READS THIS AND RE TELLS WHAT SHE SAID IN ANSWER TO ME. Or if not, maybe I can look up the post from a couple years ago and repost the whole thread. IT IS SO WORTH READING WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY.
Good morning Browndog~
If you do come across that post on happiness after drugs I would LOVE to read it as that is something I really struggle with. Just cannont imagine being happy without them.
Thanks for the advice on telling my hubby- I may use your exact words! LOL.
Physically I'm feeling worse. I always feel the worst after a couple days, not sure why that is. Started my period this morning which is not helping things:(( It's snowing here again, think I may crawl back into bed..
If you do come across that post on happiness after drugs I would LOVE to read it as that is something I really struggle with. Just cannont imagine being happy without them.
Thanks for the advice on telling my hubby- I may use your exact words! LOL.
Physically I'm feeling worse. I always feel the worst after a couple days, not sure why that is. Started my period this morning which is not helping things:(( It's snowing here again, think I may crawl back into bed..
As I am feeling really bad today, I am gonna try to focus on what I am grateful for:
Beautiful, healthy, happy children
A loving husband
Imodiam (LOL)
My 4 yr old daughter bringing me breakfast in bed cause I don't feel good. It was a plate full of legos, and some water but still nice:)
Finding this board.
God.
The fact that I did a lot of laundry yesterday when I was feeling better.
Good coffee
Yoga
Not taking pills for two whole days!
I truly know how blessed I am- so many others have so much less. I can see my blessings I just wish I could FEEL them...
Beautiful, healthy, happy children
A loving husband
Imodiam (LOL)
My 4 yr old daughter bringing me breakfast in bed cause I don't feel good. It was a plate full of legos, and some water but still nice:)
Finding this board.
God.
The fact that I did a lot of laundry yesterday when I was feeling better.
Good coffee
Yoga
Not taking pills for two whole days!
I truly know how blessed I am- so many others have so much less. I can see my blessings I just wish I could FEEL them...
Hi. First congratulations on getting clean. 2 Days is great! I wanted to tell you that I had to tell my husband 3 times that I was addicted to pills. The first time I was so ashamed to admit that to him. I relasped so the second time... he would find a pill here and there and he came to me about it. He was mad! Well, I relasped again and decided I would not ever be able to tell him again. I came to this board lost, looking for help and answers, and I thought I was the ony person in the world with this problem. I found out that was far from the truth. For the first time ever I felt hope. Cowgirl urged me to tell my husband and after several excuses later I did. He was mad, disappointed, and all the things I thought he would be, but after his initial response he gave me support and 2 yrs 4 mos later He is very proud of my recovery.
I know your fears are not your husband's anger, but the embarrassement, etc. My point is that no matter how bad it seems it is going to be... it isn't as bad as it really is or will come to be. It will work out if we give it a chance. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel and how freeing honesty is.
Hang in there!
I know your fears are not your husband's anger, but the embarrassement, etc. My point is that no matter how bad it seems it is going to be... it isn't as bad as it really is or will come to be. It will work out if we give it a chance. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel and how freeing honesty is.
Hang in there!
Hi...I didnt get a chance to welcome you or read your full story yet...I just wanted to post to tell you...GOOD WORK so far.2 days is it?Thats goiod & the better part is THINK JUST THINK...it DOES get better physically everyday you dont use...Try & hold onto that.Everyday without your body heals more & more.
Also...I dont want to lectutre,however I do agree about telling your husband.I saw you mentioned that he "smokes"once in awhile,so to me that means he may be more reseptive to what your saying.I know how scarey that must seem to tell him...but your going to need some support & really if he doesnt know why your acting different or being sick...it will only confuse things morew.As hard as it may be...you'll be glad you did
PLEASE KJEEP GOING
DAY BY DAY
MINUTE BY MINUTE if need be
mj
Also...I dont want to lectutre,however I do agree about telling your husband.I saw you mentioned that he "smokes"once in awhile,so to me that means he may be more reseptive to what your saying.I know how scarey that must seem to tell him...but your going to need some support & really if he doesnt know why your acting different or being sick...it will only confuse things morew.As hard as it may be...you'll be glad you did
PLEASE KJEEP GOING
DAY BY DAY
MINUTE BY MINUTE if need be
mj
Santee, I am so proud of you. Two days is a major achievement. Pat yourself on the back and thank yourself for what a good job you are doing.
WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY MAY SOUND SILLY OR RIDICULOUS, Because to a straight person with no understanding of the nature of addiction and just how genious our mind becomes because somehow many or most or even all addicts have somehow devoloped with our addiction the ability to contradict our actions almost simultaniously and almost make it believable to ourselves that that is not what we are doing. (I PROMISE, WHAT I JUST SAID WILL MAKE SENSE IN A COUPLE SECONDS in the next paragraph.)
Like I originally said, 2 days is a major achievement, and as crummy as you might feel, you should accept the compliment as something we are all saying not to simply make you feel better, but because it is objectively true. We all know first hand what a crazy struggle those first few days are. You can and should celebrate this significant achieveement by giving yourself and accepting your "thata girl" and even by REWARDING YOURSELF WITH A TREAT.
Believe it or not sometimes people have ended up rewarding themselves by using 'one more time.' It's not usually their first thought after they have internally said "yes, I really did do something good and hard and I should reward myself." They ( they in this case means me, you, this guy that girl and the other guy, in other words , all of us who have been, or are going thru this) start thinking about maybe a nice big hot fudge sunday, or a Beatels or Garth CD, or a nice pair of jeans, or sleeping late tomorrow, AND SUDDENLY, subtelly an idea creeps in our mind about using one more time. At first you reject it out of hand, but first in some little corner or your mind or body comes the thought/feeling ooooof how good it would be..You start thinking about it , and think how this wouldn't really be using using, just a little treat, after all, I DO DESERVE A REWARD, and one more time on this special occasion..........
Now I didn't point the above out because I think you would do that. I did point it out because as we begin to recover, especially at first, just playing with thoughts like that can have disastorous consequences. And there are so many traps for recovering addict.
Almost all recovery programs help the recovering person prepare plans in advance for what to do instead of using when these dfferent situations occur. People in NA and other recovery groups are in many ways like combat soldiers, they are provided with tools weapons and stratagy to win the battels that they know lie ahead of them. And these beautiful recovering people earn to stand tall in their personal struggels They become a source of strength and find meaning and joy in being there and helping other struggeling people.
I'll look for that post.
WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY MAY SOUND SILLY OR RIDICULOUS, Because to a straight person with no understanding of the nature of addiction and just how genious our mind becomes because somehow many or most or even all addicts have somehow devoloped with our addiction the ability to contradict our actions almost simultaniously and almost make it believable to ourselves that that is not what we are doing. (I PROMISE, WHAT I JUST SAID WILL MAKE SENSE IN A COUPLE SECONDS in the next paragraph.)
Like I originally said, 2 days is a major achievement, and as crummy as you might feel, you should accept the compliment as something we are all saying not to simply make you feel better, but because it is objectively true. We all know first hand what a crazy struggle those first few days are. You can and should celebrate this significant achieveement by giving yourself and accepting your "thata girl" and even by REWARDING YOURSELF WITH A TREAT.
Believe it or not sometimes people have ended up rewarding themselves by using 'one more time.' It's not usually their first thought after they have internally said "yes, I really did do something good and hard and I should reward myself." They ( they in this case means me, you, this guy that girl and the other guy, in other words , all of us who have been, or are going thru this) start thinking about maybe a nice big hot fudge sunday, or a Beatels or Garth CD, or a nice pair of jeans, or sleeping late tomorrow, AND SUDDENLY, subtelly an idea creeps in our mind about using one more time. At first you reject it out of hand, but first in some little corner or your mind or body comes the thought/feeling ooooof how good it would be..You start thinking about it , and think how this wouldn't really be using using, just a little treat, after all, I DO DESERVE A REWARD, and one more time on this special occasion..........
Now I didn't point the above out because I think you would do that. I did point it out because as we begin to recover, especially at first, just playing with thoughts like that can have disastorous consequences. And there are so many traps for recovering addict.
Almost all recovery programs help the recovering person prepare plans in advance for what to do instead of using when these dfferent situations occur. People in NA and other recovery groups are in many ways like combat soldiers, they are provided with tools weapons and stratagy to win the battels that they know lie ahead of them. And these beautiful recovering people earn to stand tall in their personal struggels They become a source of strength and find meaning and joy in being there and helping other struggeling people.
I'll look for that post.
OMG I almost feel busted Browndog. I have been thinking about rewarding myself with "one more time" all day! Addict minds do think alike don't they? My Sister in law actually called me today and asked me to bring the kids over tomorrow as she is bored and laid up waiting for her surgery. There are pills all over her house as she is in extreme pain. I'm struggling, not gonna lie... BTW- thank you for the pat on the back, it does feel like a major achievement and I gladly accept your praise!
Either stay away from your SIL's house or tell her the truth and to hide her pills. You will relapse if you go over there. You aren't strong enough to do this on your own yet.
I too was so afraid to tell the people I loved that I was sick. Especially my husband. We had been married for so long and he never knew (well, I thought he didn't know...), when I finally got the courage to tell him it was like the most unbelievable relief I can explain...that total feeling of letting go. It was empowering.
This disease loves to keep you isolated. It doesn't want you to let anyone in on your dirty little secret. Fight that. Fight for your life and tell on yourself. You've reached out here and no one bit you or turned you away...good practice, now tell your husband.
I too was so afraid to tell the people I loved that I was sick. Especially my husband. We had been married for so long and he never knew (well, I thought he didn't know...), when I finally got the courage to tell him it was like the most unbelievable relief I can explain...that total feeling of letting go. It was empowering.
This disease loves to keep you isolated. It doesn't want you to let anyone in on your dirty little secret. Fight that. Fight for your life and tell on yourself. You've reached out here and no one bit you or turned you away...good practice, now tell your husband.
What Cowgirl said is absolutely true. I think you know it too. I'm sure u care a lot for this person, but if u r honest with yourself, you will realize a big part of why you want to go there is for one last taiste.
You have traveled further then u realize. "Resist the Devil and he will flee from you" (I think its from the book of James, NT). It is true. Cravings come in waves, sometimes strong waves. But if you dont toy around for a second with that craving in your mind, most of the wave will pass. Then comes a choice. If you begin to give yourself just a little peak of 'how good it will be - u might think you are just opening the door a crack, but like vampires, and police (without a warrant), and the handsome sexy devil in tight fitting blue jeans, you have thrown the door wide open and invited them in.
I don't want you to slip and strongly suggest you do follow Cowgirls advice; however, if you do go there you owe it to yourself to go there with your eyes open and know you are going there to use. If that happens (and I hope you are able to not let it) and you find urself there knowing ur going to use, at least be kind enough to yourself to not just take them from her. Just ask her to give them to you.
Finally, whatever happens, you are more then welcome here. Don't leave us , even if you end up making the wrong decision.
You are on the road to recovery, not the road to isolation, and we are here to help and support you no matter what.
You have traveled further then u realize. "Resist the Devil and he will flee from you" (I think its from the book of James, NT). It is true. Cravings come in waves, sometimes strong waves. But if you dont toy around for a second with that craving in your mind, most of the wave will pass. Then comes a choice. If you begin to give yourself just a little peak of 'how good it will be - u might think you are just opening the door a crack, but like vampires, and police (without a warrant), and the handsome sexy devil in tight fitting blue jeans, you have thrown the door wide open and invited them in.
I don't want you to slip and strongly suggest you do follow Cowgirls advice; however, if you do go there you owe it to yourself to go there with your eyes open and know you are going there to use. If that happens (and I hope you are able to not let it) and you find urself there knowing ur going to use, at least be kind enough to yourself to not just take them from her. Just ask her to give them to you.
Finally, whatever happens, you are more then welcome here. Don't leave us , even if you end up making the wrong decision.
You are on the road to recovery, not the road to isolation, and we are here to help and support you no matter what.
I went. I took a pill. Did not even enjoy the high cause I felt so guilty. I am still committed to going to my therapy and NA this week. I feel awful-was not even worth it:(((( I have to tell my husband. I'm sorry.
You took a pill from your SIL? Ok, well, s*** happens. Clean slate tomorrow. We get to start over every day and do the right thing. Yes, darlin, you do need to tell your husband. Stop fighting this all by your little lonesome. Let him help you.
And don't say sorry to us...we've been there, got the t-shirt.
And don't say sorry to us...we've been there, got the t-shirt.
Thank you cowgirl. The support of this board has become so important to me in such a short period of time. A life line really. I look forward to the time when I can provide that to others.
