Update

Families / Partners of Addicts
1
Hi all,
So i had a huge set back this weekend that I would rather not even talk about. Basically He came home with the worst drug I could imagine and says he got it for free but wasn't going to do it. I left I told him it was over. He promised he had flushed it and was going to stop and if he didn't within a month he would go to rehab. This happened 3 days ago. For the past two nights he has still been high. He ended up telling me he never flushed it, he did it all becaus she figured if he was going to stop everything why not try it. He says he is only doing "greens"I guess that's a lighter mg of oxy? And it's just to ween himself off but I don't believe it. He says when he gets done he will just do Xanax. I see it as a pill is a pill with his addiction he needs to get to the point of sobriety with nothing because i feel anything will trigger a relapse. He says he's going to die if I leave. I'm all he has in the whole world. Blah blah. But I just feel like if he really cared that much he would get help and stop. Even when he isn't over the top high I still feel like I'm with a completely different person. He tell me he isn't doing anything and I'm crazy. But he is constantly babbling, nodding out, and talking about things that don't make sense and then says he didn't do anything. Then we have a little dog and when I try to leave he gets crazy and says I'm not taking her and grabs her and locks himself in a room. I can't help but wonder what if that was our child? I don't want this but I don't know how to leave. I don't want to tell his parents because it's going to put such a strain and so much more stress on me ( I know that sounds selfish but I just don't know if I can handle it) I wish I could just say I want a break, but I feel like without someone else knowing especially with his medical issues I can't leave him alone. Also, as I am sure you all understand, he is completely sober during the day (morning) so I have hope that he wont do it again because I see the same old him. I know I'm being so naive. I just need to get my feelings out. Thank you all.
2
Hi Katie, I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through right now. I broke up with my boyfriend who is a cocaine addict at the beginning of the summer so I can empathize. I was with him for 4 years, of which 3 I spent in the throes of his addiction, allowing that to become the focal point of my own life. It got to a point where my mood was dictated by whether it was a good or a bad day for him, whether or not he made it through the day without using. I was constantly paranoid, checking on him, anxiously waiting for him to come home, trying to decipher his tone to figure out if that day was going to be safe or not. I covered for him, took care of his kid when he couldn't, tried to minimize the collateral effects of his drug use. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I spent waiting for the phone call that he had been found dead in a motel somewhere. He always refused to get help seriously, to admit that he has the kind of problem that needs to be dealt with daily for the rest of his life. I tried every way I knew how to get him to go to meetings but if I've learned anything from all of this, it's that until an addict decides for himself that it's time to get help, nothing anyone else can say or do makes a difference. No matter how much I loved him or how much I wanted to help him, he had to want to help himself. I think one of the hardest realizations I had to come to terms with was that his addiction is his responsibility and not mine. Like you, I was terrified of what he might do to himself if I left, but in the end, I couldn't stop him from destroying himself even when I was there. The only thing you can do is be responsible for yourself. I know how hard it all is but I also know that it's no way to live. There will never be a "good" way for you to leave but there will also be no end to the bad if you stay so at a certain point, you just have to do it. Be strong and good luck to you.
3
When he leaves, like when be goes and scores,, ,, pack your things and your little puppy that is way better off with you and leave. So when he gets back he will be ready to just go straight to the bathroom and not even worried about checking if your home or not, but in other words, let him find out your gone on his own. By then it will be too late. Do what's best before something worse happens. Maybe him seeing you gone and not trying to come back because it's too frustrating and painful for you to watch him slowly kill himself is his rock bottom. And maybe he really rather not live without you and then possibly embrace his sobriety. Hey, even if it is wishful thinking, anything could happen !,. Good luck sweety, my prayers go out to you. If you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm here for you.
4
I completely agree with babylove. Be ready to leave and the next time he's out, just take your dog and go. We get used to dealing with this kind of thing and don't see things clearly unless seeing it through somebody else's eyes. I feel like this could be a potentially harmful situation for you. Look out for yourself. I wish you luck.
Michelle
5
Dear Katie,

I dont know how clearly you can actually see this, but clearly with you around, things are not getting any better, and that is not a reflection on your part.

I want you to actually look in the mirror and say these words out loud to yourself:

"YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT AND YOU WILL NOT CURE IT"

This is the simplest version of the truth in dealing with addicted love ones. There is nothing more you can do for him. And please, please, also internalize the fact that this has nothing to do with how much he loves you. It really has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is an ilness, over which you are as powerless over as if he were to have cancer.

"YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT AND YOU WILL NOT CURE IT"

6
All of this is true. I have lived with my husband being an addict and we cant change them, only they can change themselves. It is so hard to love someone and feel like they love the drug more than you. Best of luck and keep us updated. Just like addicts need support in recovery, we need support for our own recovery mentally and emotionally.