I am going to be 21 in maybe 2 weeks or so, and I have been smoking pot regularly now for 7 years.. its shameful. I smoke every day, every night, even when I study. The only time I have managed to stop is in the mornings because it gives me horrible dizzy spells, and makes me *bleh* for the rest of the day.. I will admit, sometimes on the weekend, with nothing to do I cannot resist.
I have had many many awful things happen to me. Beginning back before I ever smoked weed. I remember when it was just a social thing, then when I started smoking before school (in high school) then smoking during lunch, and after school, and then eventually, youre smoking when youre alone.
I smoke a lot of pot. I have had many addactions already in my short life and overcome them all (alcohol, extacy, crack, if u can believe that)
For so long, years and years, I thought I was just a smoker. I just smoke pot. I dont need to.
Then I realized one day, maybe about a year and a half ago, how, strangely, i was a super psychotic insanely irratable b**** when I knew I had no weed. And then, once I found some, or knew I was going to get high soon, I go into this amazingly strange manic state of mind.
Pot is the only drug I use. My sister killed herself drunk driving, and my fiance is a heroin addict fighting for his own life. I watched many people ruin their lives with drugs.
My younger brother (who has at least 5 years on me for pot smoking which is so sad) has never had a job in his life except for selling weed. He got expelled from school, and everything around him is just slowly becoming white trash form his need for weed.
I look at him, and that is how I fooled myslef to think all these years that I am not an addict. I never got arrested (vs. his 10+ arrests by age 18) I graduated high school (barely though) I never stole money to feed my habit, Im in college, and I never ruined friendships over my weed smoking.
And I sit here, one by one, my friends are all quitting. They love the clean life, and all I can say, and have ever said is "I never picture myself quitting smoking pot"
As I am writing this even now I am thinking to myself "what am I thinking i am not a f***ing addict, I dont steal for this"
And then I think about how I am when I dont have it, the misery, the sheer and utter misery I have when I know I cannot get stoned. The way I NEED it when something bad has happened, they way weed is the ONLY thing that is going to make me feel better. And it does. It is so unbelievable.
I dont really know why I am here, in this particular forum, I can honestly say I have no immediate intentions of quitting, but there is like, this haze that is forming over me. I watch my fiance with the habit of his own, and I am disgusted, because even though he is much more extreme than I, I do behave the same as he when he cannot find a fix.
So this haze of guilt has formed, that I am not living life as well as I could. In the past year I have began to become very connected to the religious upbringing that I have never had, and I want to be baptized and confirmed before I am married, but I cant let myself while on pot. It is such a stupid silly thing holding me back, but it just doesnt feel right to me.
I dont know why I am writing this, I am not looking for words of encouragement to quit, and I am not looking for support. In fact, Ill probably brush them off if you give them,
I feel to minute reading all these other peoples posts who are quitting after more than half of their life, and so weak, for not even wanting to myself.
I guess I just maybe wanted to see an admitance in writing.
*sigh*
hi nina. i would just like to encourage you about one thing that you mention. You indicate that you want to be baptized and confirmed. I suggest, and this is only a suggestion, that you pursue that aspect of your life. Particularly while you are young. Just show up. You'll be glad you did. Don't wait. And don't let anything stand in your way or delay you. Best regards.
Nina,
Let me get this straight, you are posting but you want no support and you don't want to quit smoking pot? This isn't a place to write your daily diary. I am sorry but just because you don't steal doesn't mean your not an addict. If you have smoked pot for 7 years you are an addict. I won't give you encouraging words since you may just brush them off anyway. I will tell you though it is possible to quit but that has to be a personal choice. When and if that day comes a lot of people will be here to support you. Posting about smoking may just be a trigger for someone to use. I just don't see it being a good idea unless you are wanting to better your life and stop using.
I understand your BF uses H? Maybe you should post more on the Family/partners forum. Although I don't know how you are going to help him if you can't help yourself. You are in college and sound like a smart girl, it's ashame you are frying all those brain cells.
I am sorry your BF has hit you because you flushed his drugs. I wouldn't put up with that crap for one second. If a man hits you once he will hit you again. Don't fool yourself. Just from what you wrote it sounds like you should do some soul searching within yourself and figure out what the future may hold for you. Life can be great without drugs but you have to put some effort in the process. Until then have a great night and I hope oneday you realize your worth the effort... Rae
Ps. Just so you know I smoked pot for years and quit on my own~It can be done~You've got to want it...
Let me get this straight, you are posting but you want no support and you don't want to quit smoking pot? This isn't a place to write your daily diary. I am sorry but just because you don't steal doesn't mean your not an addict. If you have smoked pot for 7 years you are an addict. I won't give you encouraging words since you may just brush them off anyway. I will tell you though it is possible to quit but that has to be a personal choice. When and if that day comes a lot of people will be here to support you. Posting about smoking may just be a trigger for someone to use. I just don't see it being a good idea unless you are wanting to better your life and stop using.
I understand your BF uses H? Maybe you should post more on the Family/partners forum. Although I don't know how you are going to help him if you can't help yourself. You are in college and sound like a smart girl, it's ashame you are frying all those brain cells.
I am sorry your BF has hit you because you flushed his drugs. I wouldn't put up with that crap for one second. If a man hits you once he will hit you again. Don't fool yourself. Just from what you wrote it sounds like you should do some soul searching within yourself and figure out what the future may hold for you. Life can be great without drugs but you have to put some effort in the process. Until then have a great night and I hope oneday you realize your worth the effort... Rae
Ps. Just so you know I smoked pot for years and quit on my own~It can be done~You've got to want it...
Girl I can relate so much to what you wrote it's scary. All I want to say is, it's easier when you don't think about how bad it is. I find I actually smoke less when I ignore the issue, lol. May sound stupid but maybe it'll work for you too? Hey you're in school and for that I give you PROPS. Church helps. You sound like a sharp chick. I'm sure you'll get it right. Rock on, have fun, and be happy!
Rae- altho i did not ask for support, i did not ask for negative words either. I highly doubt that anyone who reads this also would be triggered into a relapse, because I read many other stories similar to this one. I was looking for someone to be able to relate to not talk down to me. Negative encouragement never works, and I would ask you to read the story again since you obviously took the wrong things from it. ?
I am quite frankly surprised as your tartness, you shouldnt feel so much anager towards me just because I said I am not ready to quit does not mean that writing an admittance wasnt the first step.
Shame for ignorance. Maybe in the future just dont read my posts so I dont cause you a relapse.
I am quite frankly surprised as your tartness, you shouldnt feel so much anager towards me just because I said I am not ready to quit does not mean that writing an admittance wasnt the first step.
Shame for ignorance. Maybe in the future just dont read my posts so I dont cause you a relapse.
Ok, i do pot sometimes, i've only done it about 5 times, and got blazed about 3 or 4 out of those 5. I'm quitting now though, cuase i convienced my friend to quit meth (see my topic there if you wanna!). Any ways, i guess i am saying, i'm glad i quit early. :) Have a good day everyone!
-sammie-
-sammie-
