God I CANNOT believe the amount of CRAP I have to go through to just get some help !! AUUUUGHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FINALLY after calling like a million and 6 doctors we find one close to where I work who works with junkies..or drug abusers or whatever the hell you want to call us today...place is crawlin with addicts waitin on their done...im like in my clothes from work cuz im AT work...its near lunch so it was like my lunch break...and Im feelin sooooo not good in this place...but Im like...hey...I belong here...this is what Ive gotten myself back into...this is where I need to be...actually...had some fun with some of the people...I mean...how can you not...were all in there for the same reason....anyways...first thing doctor says to me is " I dont like Amercians" Just so you know....and I need money up front right now cuz Americans never pay...Oh ya...wonderful beginning to a relationship...All I got is 40 euro on me I say...and he's like thats fine, give it to me...so ...FCK I DID...and then he says , piss test time...I pass...he's like the benzos arent showing up...im like Im NOT abusing them...I HATE them...hes like well, no methadone...i'm giving you trimipramin...take it and dont go to work...Im like...Doc...I dont go to work and I You dont get paid....he's like ok...take them at night and come back in on Monday and see me...Im like I WORK ....I can come back after 5...he's all grumpy with that but agrees...and I HAVE NO idea what the HELL Im supppose to do now....I am SOOOOO at the end of my patience !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh...and when I told him I was on the benzos he freaked...says ..oh sure...and Im like no there from the doctor...call him...he says...give me the benzo box...well I didnt...even though I hate them i wouldnt turn them over to him...he just PISSED me off !!!!!!!!!!!! but im going back to him...sigh
One more edit...ya know...its crossed my mind that if I would just go out and get totally leveled on enough H and then walked back in there maybe he'd HAVE to give me the methadone...or what.....do they just give you so much bs*** that there just waiting for you to relapse ?
Con,forgive me for being ignorant,have u had any H since u detoxed?if not u must be feelin better by now.2,when he says ,piss time,what was in the piss apart from piss?if it was just benzo,s i wouldnt think he would give u meth unless he,s just a legalised drug dealer.if u dont have opiates in your system u dont need meth.dont get angry and tell me to crawl back into my hole con but that is fact.now i do not want to tell u to go and score so there r opiates in your system,but if that natzi Dr is doing his job he really shouldnt be giving u meth if your technically clean.f*** i wish i hadnt replied to this but i think u need to speak to that counsellor pronto.why didnt u try and get a script when u were using?maybe im barkin way up the wrong tree here but something doesnt seem right here unless ive picked it all up wrongly..sorry if ive not said what u want too hear con but u know i mean well...eck...x
Hi Eck :)
I just said all that so u would come back :) LOL...no, really....Im glad ur over ur huff...hmmmm....and u can always say whatever you want to me...i can deal with truth...sometimes...ha ha...well...wish i could say i hadnt anything since detox...but...anyways...lets just say...nothing since putting me on benzos...which ive just thank the god and all that is holy been taken off of... i think they were making me worse....im feeling WAY better today....jeesshh....i swear to the stars I will NEVER go near a benzo ever again as long as I live...cross my heart and stick a pin in my...uh...eye..I was like sooooo at the end of my rope....guess the problem is this Eck....no opiates in my piss....thats a good thing...no opiates and I should be feeling better...you would think ? ...no opiates and the wanting was driving me almost up the walls and around the bend...i KNEW i was gonna use again..I could not function...I could not even think...all I could do is crave and crave and cry and even NOT wanting to use wouldnt have made any difference in the world..and I didnt want to go back to Heroin cuz I knew..well you know how it is if you havent had it in awhile and then u go back...and then ur in deeper than you started...at least I know that it is for me....and the whole fking cycle ...and I was scared...and the only thing that was going to stop me from using again, keep me from going back was to get an opiate in my system ...cuz I was feeling so awlful...and ...this might sound warped in a way...but there ya go....im just a twisted kind of gal....all I could think of was...so put me on meth so I dont go out there and score...please...God...put me on SOMETHING thats going to HELP me cuz Im so scared that Im gonna blow it...and ...wonders of all wonders....whatever he's got me on....changed the meds/script or whatever...has made me feel like a human person again and it aint even been a day...truth is...I was/had already made the descion to either stop the benzos yesterday before I went to this other doc...or just up the dose cuz nothing was working...but then I couldnt use on top them anyways...well I guess u can but Im just not that experimental ( mental, yes...) .so.. if this Doc didnt help I was pretty certain I was going back out come hell or high water ..or I was gonna become a benzo freak...cuz I was a hairs breath to upping that dose high enough to level me....so...maybe im just a nutter....and I KNOW im a weak a**...and a sissy...and all of the above...but thats how I was thinking...and now Im feeling more myself...sort of :)...and we'll just see where this goes for now...and the cravings....well ya know there still there but I might be able to hang better with that now...sorry this was so long...and hey...welcome back :) :) and how are YOU ????
I just said all that so u would come back :) LOL...no, really....Im glad ur over ur huff...hmmmm....and u can always say whatever you want to me...i can deal with truth...sometimes...ha ha...well...wish i could say i hadnt anything since detox...but...anyways...lets just say...nothing since putting me on benzos...which ive just thank the god and all that is holy been taken off of... i think they were making me worse....im feeling WAY better today....jeesshh....i swear to the stars I will NEVER go near a benzo ever again as long as I live...cross my heart and stick a pin in my...uh...eye..I was like sooooo at the end of my rope....guess the problem is this Eck....no opiates in my piss....thats a good thing...no opiates and I should be feeling better...you would think ? ...no opiates and the wanting was driving me almost up the walls and around the bend...i KNEW i was gonna use again..I could not function...I could not even think...all I could do is crave and crave and cry and even NOT wanting to use wouldnt have made any difference in the world..and I didnt want to go back to Heroin cuz I knew..well you know how it is if you havent had it in awhile and then u go back...and then ur in deeper than you started...at least I know that it is for me....and the whole fking cycle ...and I was scared...and the only thing that was going to stop me from using again, keep me from going back was to get an opiate in my system ...cuz I was feeling so awlful...and ...this might sound warped in a way...but there ya go....im just a twisted kind of gal....all I could think of was...so put me on meth so I dont go out there and score...please...God...put me on SOMETHING thats going to HELP me cuz Im so scared that Im gonna blow it...and ...wonders of all wonders....whatever he's got me on....changed the meds/script or whatever...has made me feel like a human person again and it aint even been a day...truth is...I was/had already made the descion to either stop the benzos yesterday before I went to this other doc...or just up the dose cuz nothing was working...but then I couldnt use on top them anyways...well I guess u can but Im just not that experimental ( mental, yes...) .so.. if this Doc didnt help I was pretty certain I was going back out come hell or high water ..or I was gonna become a benzo freak...cuz I was a hairs breath to upping that dose high enough to level me....so...maybe im just a nutter....and I KNOW im a weak a**...and a sissy...and all of the above...but thats how I was thinking...and now Im feeling more myself...sort of :)...and we'll just see where this goes for now...and the cravings....well ya know there still there but I might be able to hang better with that now...sorry this was so long...and hey...welcome back :) :) and how are YOU ????
