I have been with my fianc for 15 years. Yes, 15 years. I was married before and didnt really want to marry again so agreed on a very long engagement. I will try to summarize this as short as possible.
When I met him he was in a halfway house for recovering addicts. He worked hard everyday and was on a good path he didnt drink/drug/smoke. After time we moved in together. Things were good for awhile. My family hated the idea of me being with a recovering addict because they new Id always have to be on high alert. I am very close with my family (mother, brother & sister). Their opinions do matter to me.
My fianc after some time relapsed on opiates which were his drug of choice. It was a living hell. I always did everything I could to cover up for him always. I kept a lot of heartache he caused me to myself and pretended with my family that it was all good. However, he always found a way to cause some kind of catastrophe to where I couldnt hide it anymore. I had my sister stay with me for awhile and she recovering from a surgery. He stole all her pain pills. He always admits his faults and for doing that he thinks everything should be ok. My family shunned me for some time for forgiving him but eventually forgave him and accepted me back. He (on his own) weened himself off the drugs and got clean again. Things were good again for awhile. Then in 2011 he had a severe back injury where he needed immediate surgery and was hospitalized and in rehabilitation center for almost 2 months. Needless to say, he relapsed due to his severe pain and addictive mind. I sympathized with his pain therefore I guess I just made an excuse myself on why it was ok that he took that pills. This habit went on for a few more years until again, things spiraled out of control. Making excuse after excuse for him and just living on egg shells constantly until I finally had enough. I told him in 2015 that it was over. I couldnt handle it anymore. He then entered into a methadone clinic where he had mandatory meetings, saw a doctor and he was drug tested and monitored. I felt better about this as he agreed to just do what needed to be done and not make a 10 year deal out of it. He was in the program for 2 years and completely weened himself off of the drugs. Things were great again. And then, last April he relapsed again where he actually overdosed on heroin by snorting it while driving. He literally overdosed and died and had to be revived with narcan. Ive never been aware of him doing heroin and he swears it was his first time. I was in Florida on vacation with my family while this happened and couldnt find him for two days until the police called me to tell me he was arrested for a DUI. This was devastating to me that he would do something like that when things were going so well. It was a pure nightmare and I still cant stop thinking about it. Again, my family was outraged that he would pull such a stunt while I was so far away. He ruined my entire vacation. He was again banned from the family while I had a hard time trying to forgive him for this, but I did. He is great at manipulating me. This did however scare him to death. He was never arrested before and never overdosed I truly believe this was his wake up call. Hes been clean again for over a year since the overdose and swears he will never touch another drug. Me and my family again, forgave him for what I thought was the worst thing he could ever due to me.....until.....
Just last week right before mothers day, my mother came to my house where she does not live but used to. She has her own bedroom there with her belongings. She had a jewelry box there with 4 rings. Her wedding bands for her and my deceased father which he gave her, a ring from her deceased sister and a ring from her deceased mother that were all given to her from them. She wanted to wear the ring her mother gave her on mothers day to a dinner we were having. As u can suspect, the rings were gone. Longer story short, my fianc stole the rings back in 2015 right before he started the methadone program and never said anything. He pawned them and never went back. He denied taking them at first but when things are pawned you need to give your ID so the police were able to confirm he did this. He of course then admitted to it. Statute of limitations has passed so he cannot be arrested due to this being a misdemeanor and it being done 3 years ago.
So finally things in life were going so good after this overdose scare and my life finally started to feel normal for once and BANG this happens. My mother is devastated, my siblings are irate and I am heartbroken that he hurt my mother and would ever do something like this.....3 years ago. My mother assumed her belongings were safe in my home. Shes not a jewelry person and didnt wear rings, but felt good knowing she had them from her deceased family. Now these rings are gone. Irreplaceable. We can never fix this.
I kicked my fianc out with nowhere to go. No friends, no family. Me and my family were literally all he had. And, of course I feel HORRIBLE for this! Through all of this Ive never stopped loving him and 15 years is a long time. However, my family has cut all ties with me if I even consider being with him again after a stunt he pulled 3 years ago. Im devastated he would do this also, but Im so torn.
I know this is extremely long story but I have NO ONE to talk to. Please someone give me your opinion on what you would do if you were me? I have a son to worry about in the midst of all this (not my fiances). Please advise on what you would do if you were in this predicament??
You came here for advice...advice given might not be what you want or expect to hear...
Your son should be your highest priority...not your love life.
I've read it here many times that detaching (as in totally severing ties) can be one of the best things that can happen to an addict.
Why?
Because it makes the addict come face to face with the cold hard realities of what their addiction has caused, and there's no more safety net.
Detachment may or may not work, but you can't love an addict into sobriety even if it's 15 years long. Apparently it didn't mean as much to him as it did to you.
Once again...Your son should be your highest priority...not your love life.
What is best for him?
Your son should be your highest priority...not your love life.
I've read it here many times that detaching (as in totally severing ties) can be one of the best things that can happen to an addict.
Why?
Because it makes the addict come face to face with the cold hard realities of what their addiction has caused, and there's no more safety net.
Detachment may or may not work, but you can't love an addict into sobriety even if it's 15 years long. Apparently it didn't mean as much to him as it did to you.
Once again...Your son should be your highest priority...not your love life.
What is best for him?
Hi - we are going thru this with our son. many years of it now. even though he is not a bad person, the addiction takes over and he does things he does not want to do, that hurt us, his family. he has been in and out of 'trying' to stop the addiction and get help. the 'help' is too slow, even though there are small progresses. before he can get to the next level of help, something else goes bad. he has recently used my ATM card to withdraw cash. now - his dad and I live everyday with 'what going to happen next' what will be missing or worse. in just this year we have had car problems costing us $, he was arrested - waiting for court dates, now took cash and we had to move items from our safe to another person's home - inconvenient. we don't even feel the safe is safe. he has checked into detox and rehab this week. but before one issue can be solved and forgotten, another pops up...... it is the world of addiction. the only way to keep safe it to be as far away from it as possible.
when hes out of rehab - in a short time, he will be back home, and then back to walking on egg shells. it takes longer to clean up the mess than it did to create it.
then, long term recovery management - which we have failed at so far. I have tapped into a new recovery center, where he has started appointments, so there is hope, but LOTS of leg work on my part and all depends on his actions.
Mine is a story about my son. Hard to kick him to the curb without trying again and again. as others have said maybe this will be the time that works.
For you - the man is not your child - 15 years of your life - you do not owe him anything.
Secure your self, family, home and finances. don't let him get back in thru a crack.
it does hurt when you have given so much of your life to someone else. Go to therapy with someone trained in addiction, Nar-anon meetings, talk things out until you are feeling better about the decisions you have to make.
when hes out of rehab - in a short time, he will be back home, and then back to walking on egg shells. it takes longer to clean up the mess than it did to create it.
then, long term recovery management - which we have failed at so far. I have tapped into a new recovery center, where he has started appointments, so there is hope, but LOTS of leg work on my part and all depends on his actions.
Mine is a story about my son. Hard to kick him to the curb without trying again and again. as others have said maybe this will be the time that works.
For you - the man is not your child - 15 years of your life - you do not owe him anything.
Secure your self, family, home and finances. don't let him get back in thru a crack.
it does hurt when you have given so much of your life to someone else. Go to therapy with someone trained in addiction, Nar-anon meetings, talk things out until you are feeling better about the decisions you have to make.
..
Hi.! I say leave him. He's done a lot of damage and obviously can't stay on track and loses his focus. That will never stop, watch. It will only give you more problems and heartache down the road. Do yourself and your family a favor and say bye to him. You just said too that your family is all you guys have.! Well, don't let someone who is inconsiderate come between you and your family. Show him how easy it is to drop a bad habit , like he should of been doing with his drug addiction,,, so drop him and stay with what means more to you. You'll find someone New who will love and respect you and your family. Good luck.!
Thank you all for reading and for all of your advice. Deep down I do know what I have to do. I just can't believe it is this hard. He is out of the house now. He calls crying and begging constantly which makes it so much harder. He is clean now and has been for a year so I'm afraid this will be his excuse to use again. I know I can't worry about that but I can't help it. I have so much hurt and anger inside me that I'm so confused inside. This is so exhausting and I pray that I can get the strength to get through this.
Thank you all again. I appreciate it.
Thank you all again. I appreciate it.
He's been clean a year and this event happened 3 years ago.....imo I would be tempted to try and work through it. But only if he definitely has been clean for the last year.
Pocketdragon that's what my dilemma is. This happened in 2015 and the past year has honestly been great. But the fact that he took 4 rings from my mother and pawned them for drugs and hurt her this bad has me sick. These weren't just any rings these were rings my dead father, grandmother and aunt gave her. She's literally devastated. It was all she had from them. She went three years without realizing they were gone but she just knew she had them until she went to get them this past mothers day to wear them to dinner. I feel like I don't want to throw 15 years away but at the same time he hurt my mother really bad.
I'm so torn and it's literally got my physically sick. My mother, sister and brother say if I stay with him they will disown me. Meanwhile he's clean for the past year and is crying and begging me to forgive him. I feel like I'm being tortured. This is so hard.
I'm so torn and it's literally got my physically sick. My mother, sister and brother say if I stay with him they will disown me. Meanwhile he's clean for the past year and is crying and begging me to forgive him. I feel like I'm being tortured. This is so hard.
You wrote..."He calls crying and begging constantly which makes it so much harder."
Just how hard is it to change your phone number??...unless you enjoy the pain.
I know you'll say...No, I don't enjoy the pain...but it's soooo hard! GIRL UP!
You'd be amazed how much peace and clarity will come back into your life once you do.
Just how hard is it to change your phone number??...unless you enjoy the pain.
I know you'll say...No, I don't enjoy the pain...but it's soooo hard! GIRL UP!
You'd be amazed how much peace and clarity will come back into your life once you do.
You said you don't want to throw away 15 years. In my opinion, he throw away the relationship first when he stoled the rings and pawned them. If that was me I would be so freaking embarrassed to go anywhere near your family, let alone your mother. But I guess his morals are different and doesn't feel any shame. Sorry if I was rude.
Babylove, that's just it. I'm humiliated. He thinks "it was three years ago" and a bad time in his life. He's past that now. So since he's bettering himself his past actions should have no consequences. You can't move forward if you live in the past is what he says. He does things. Horrible things and expects you to just get over it. He apologizes for them and thinks that makes it all ok. I feel like for the past three years I've been laying next to a stranger not knowing what he did. If it were any other replaceable jewelry, it would be a different scenario because he could replace it. There is no fixing what he did here. I'm so angry inside. I feel hurt and betrayed. Yet, at the same time I can't help it but I love him. I wish I could turn the switch off but its just so hard.
Wow, tough situation, in that he has been clean for a year, and now has to deal with a really crappy thing he did while using.
He has been clean a year, and did not make amends for stealing them. He would probably say he was afraid of the blow-up, but he should have, at the least, told you and apologized. Putting myself in your shoes, this is where I would have the biggest problem. I mean, clean for a year, did not admit to the crime, and lied to cover it up.
He has support if he has been clean a year. He should have people he can turn to. I would say, PLEASE, take some time apart and take some time for yourself. I am not saying to never re-visit the relationship, but a lot of damage has been done here. And, you NEED your family. He has not shown himself to be reliable, so you really don't want to get in a situation where you have no one but him. Like someone above said, if you get some healthy space away from him, you may see things differently. And, you can work on you---
I know it is SO hard to hear them beg and cry, but you did not cause this situation, this pain, this suffering. For everyone involved, it might be best to get some healthy space. He needs to reach out to others in recovery and deal with the aftermath of this crime.
Big hugs, take care of yourself first.
He has been clean a year, and did not make amends for stealing them. He would probably say he was afraid of the blow-up, but he should have, at the least, told you and apologized. Putting myself in your shoes, this is where I would have the biggest problem. I mean, clean for a year, did not admit to the crime, and lied to cover it up.
He has support if he has been clean a year. He should have people he can turn to. I would say, PLEASE, take some time apart and take some time for yourself. I am not saying to never re-visit the relationship, but a lot of damage has been done here. And, you NEED your family. He has not shown himself to be reliable, so you really don't want to get in a situation where you have no one but him. Like someone above said, if you get some healthy space away from him, you may see things differently. And, you can work on you---
I know it is SO hard to hear them beg and cry, but you did not cause this situation, this pain, this suffering. For everyone involved, it might be best to get some healthy space. He needs to reach out to others in recovery and deal with the aftermath of this crime.
Big hugs, take care of yourself first.
Parenting2, thank you. I appreciate your advice. You are right. We have been apart now for 3 weeks. It's been hard. He found an aunt to stay with. She's ill and not doing well, but she took him in for now. I have to stay away from him for awhile and see if my feelings change.
He keeps reassuring me that if he hasn't even thought about using since our separation, he promises he never will again. He tells me I can test him at any time. I'm glad he's clean, I really am. I just hope he stays that way. The fact he betrayed me the way he did, I'm having the hardest time dealing with. You are right, when I asked him why he never told me about the rings, he said because he knew what the outcome would be and he was scared. Exactly what is happening is what he knew would happen and he just tried to get by as long as he can before anyone found out.
He swears his slate in clean now and he has nothing hanging over him anymore. I hope so.
I still have a lot to think about and trust is a huge issue so for now we will stay apart. I will deal with the begging and crying and take one day at a time.
Thank you all for listening and giving me advice. It has really been helpful!
He keeps reassuring me that if he hasn't even thought about using since our separation, he promises he never will again. He tells me I can test him at any time. I'm glad he's clean, I really am. I just hope he stays that way. The fact he betrayed me the way he did, I'm having the hardest time dealing with. You are right, when I asked him why he never told me about the rings, he said because he knew what the outcome would be and he was scared. Exactly what is happening is what he knew would happen and he just tried to get by as long as he can before anyone found out.
He swears his slate in clean now and he has nothing hanging over him anymore. I hope so.
I still have a lot to think about and trust is a huge issue so for now we will stay apart. I will deal with the begging and crying and take one day at a time.
Thank you all for listening and giving me advice. It has really been helpful!
Did you ever watch that tv show called Cops ? And when the cops would be called to a domestic violence dispute and the cop would ask the female, " why did you go back to him after he's done this before " ! And the female would say (with bumps and bruises) "because I love him"!... My advice to you is, don't listen to your heart. Your heart will forever get us in trouble. Listen to your mind instead. Your mind wont. Your mind will be brutally honest to us, even when it hurts.!!I
How are you doing ?
How are you doing ?
babylove - yes, I've seen that show and have thought what an idiot when I see girls in a situation like that. Ironic I guess. I still have not taken him back although he calls everyday acting like he did nothing wrong at all wondering when I'll "get over this". My guess is never. I love him and can't help that but I can't allow him to keep disregarding what he puts me through. Sometimes enough is enough and it's going on a month now since this happened. I think I've been strong I just have to keep my guard up and let him know I just can't do this anymore even though it hurts as bad as it does.
Thank you for checking in!
Thank you for checking in!
Tough love time,
If you came here for advice on how to quit banging your head against the wall, we would advise you to...
- Look at all the pain it causes
- Look at how the wall (the addict) in the long run won't change being a wall
- You really should take the advice given by your friends/family and those in the know here...and quit banging your head against the wall! ie...Move on!
Your reply...But I love banging my head against the wall! The wall will change!
In fact, the wall calls me up daily, crying telling me it'll change.
C'mon now...is all the pain the wall is causing you and your family really worth it?
My advice? Tell him you need a break for awhile to sort things out.
DO NOT give him a time frame and tell him to quit calling for awhile or better yet tell him this then block his calls.
You'd be amazed how a few months will give you much greater clarity.
Or...
You can continue pounding your head against the wall.
If you came here for advice on how to quit banging your head against the wall, we would advise you to...
- Look at all the pain it causes
- Look at how the wall (the addict) in the long run won't change being a wall
- You really should take the advice given by your friends/family and those in the know here...and quit banging your head against the wall! ie...Move on!
Your reply...But I love banging my head against the wall! The wall will change!
In fact, the wall calls me up daily, crying telling me it'll change.
C'mon now...is all the pain the wall is causing you and your family really worth it?
My advice? Tell him you need a break for awhile to sort things out.
DO NOT give him a time frame and tell him to quit calling for awhile or better yet tell him this then block his calls.
You'd be amazed how a few months will give you much greater clarity.
Or...
You can continue pounding your head against the wall.
Rich L. - I hear you. I agree with you. I'm done banging my head against the wall. Exactly what you suggested is exactly what I'm doing. I'm too tired to deal with unnecessary heartache. Yes, I'm heartbroken, but that too shall pass...eventually. Today is my 41st birthday. I got a lot of life left in me to live and I'm not wasting it anymore.
Thank you all again for all of your advice.
Thank you all again for all of your advice.
