Waking up to this nightmare is like Satan giving birth to you arriving to hell. Do I blame myself? Yes, yes I do. I can make excuses but in reality I have had two children by two different relationships out of wedlock and a recovering alcoholic in which doesn't make for the best home life for them. But, my defense, I wasn't a trollup, I always had a job, no welfare. My boys were born seven years apart, they are now 28 and 21. They are not close brothers,especially now. My son Dal, he is not my son anymore, my 21 year old, he is a scary stranger. I was so naive for so long. I still don't know what drug he is addicted to. Backing up, Dal has had part time jobs throughout his high school years, staying overnight at friends houses being a teenager. But after graduation he moved out to live with a friend over the summer, then moved back home to go to community college. Was doing very well, the friend he lived with before needed a place to stay because the mothers boyfriend wanted him out, so yes I let him stay with us. The friend was out of control bringing girls home and alcohol, I had Dal tell him to leave. Then Dal decides to move out with a group of friends. Then soon after my door was busted in and I was robbed of a large sum of money and my parents wedding rings. I call Dal,crying, he comes over and calls the police for me, making a report. And you know the detective calls me later and tells me a story of an another case where a safe was stolen and it ended up being the son that confessed. But, of course I shake my head , no, not my kid... yeah..not my kid. Dal starts college again, drops out, not really drop out just doesn't go, loses jobs.... tells me needs to move back home, needs stability to get back on track. Okay. He moves back, everything is normal sometimes, he is working but only part time fast food. I just tell myself this is just the teenage years extended edition.yes, I give him money for eats , gas for his(my) car, yes I gave him money for almost anything he needed..One day he came to me rambling stories, pretty convincing stories, but don't ask me how but the convos became argument, he was acting crazy, and I called the police. They said they don't handle mental health, but took him to horizens to be evaluated.They couldn't find a bed for him local, but a bed for him was available 3 hrs away. So, yes, I took him 3 hrs. Drive to a hospital thinking "they" are on it. No...after 48 hrs. I get a call come pick me up b****. I can not believe the way he is talking to me, I am ready to leave his a** there. The nurse calmly told me that he is being released and needed a ride home. The most frustrating thing is that he is over 18 so it is none of my business what is medically or drugglly wrong with him. So I bring him home I tell him he needs to get out, he physically pushed me, that was a first. he left for the night. Looking back, I don't know why I let him back in . There was an another situation where he demanded money, took my modem cable cord hostage, of course he won. A ray of sunshine was his girl friend.....
The girlfriend has given him some stability, but really, he is using her. But I ignore it because it is a way to normal. He finally gets a job, yea!,, I convince him and I pay for 1st month rent and deposit. That was in November, since then he was again in hosipital emergency room he now has a 6000 medical bill. I don't know what drug he is on ,I guess it doesn't matter. He is dying , and there is nothing I can do.
Tenley,
I'm going through something similar. My son is almost 18, but he is just so abusive. Just wanted to say you are not alone. We need to find the strength to cut them off and move on with our lives. It is their responsibility to behave appropriately.
My son is completely out of control chaotic. For about 4 days he was "trying to change", but I realize now that was just another plan to throw me off.
It is sad and scary. Wishing you peace and strength.
I'm going through something similar. My son is almost 18, but he is just so abusive. Just wanted to say you are not alone. We need to find the strength to cut them off and move on with our lives. It is their responsibility to behave appropriately.
My son is completely out of control chaotic. For about 4 days he was "trying to change", but I realize now that was just another plan to throw me off.
It is sad and scary. Wishing you peace and strength.
Yes,Parenting, we love them, but we have to say no, enough.you do you, you decide.
Hello Tenley, We have all been there and are still in various phases of the Addiction Hell.
First - Find Naranon and or Alanon meetings for you. You need to learn to separate their hell from yours. We (us parents on the board) think logically and we have hope and compassion. Our hearts break for the situations our kids are in. BUT we need to detach from their drama. If You did not create the problem, it is not yours to fix... son's job, car, owes rent etc...
If he is not working, do not let him drive car. If he is working, still do not let him drive if he is under the influence of anything...
Use the search feature at the bottom of these pages - search for our user names to find more of our stories... the board is pretty quiet now, but a few months back there was a lot of activity and a lot of good advice and support.
The main thing is to start saying - as you did - " what's mine, is mine"
Unfortunately, they will drain every dollar you have, when your on the street, they will step over you.....
they are our kids in side there, but not when they are under the influence of drugs.
My husband and I had one year of my son getting addicted - we kept wondering what was wrong and trying to figure it out. Then once we knew we told him he had to leave. he got a fulltime job in FL - said he was gonna change this around - instead, it escalated. Then, we were constantly sending $$ to help w stuff - every week "was gonna be better" . drained us emotionally and financially etc... then he came home - got full time job - was going to go to out patient but didn't.... still addicted... then car accident and job loss... then we sent him to rehab in FL - he stayed 45 days - then sober living - which he said was a joke... he struggled with relapsing for that year, then another rehab and sober living - a good program - stayed for about 5 months total - then did not like rules, was working for 8 months.... still when out on his own - he relapses. We are into the 3rd year of 'recovery' . he is back home. doing better, but not sure... its a long road...
First - Find Naranon and or Alanon meetings for you. You need to learn to separate their hell from yours. We (us parents on the board) think logically and we have hope and compassion. Our hearts break for the situations our kids are in. BUT we need to detach from their drama. If You did not create the problem, it is not yours to fix... son's job, car, owes rent etc...
If he is not working, do not let him drive car. If he is working, still do not let him drive if he is under the influence of anything...
Use the search feature at the bottom of these pages - search for our user names to find more of our stories... the board is pretty quiet now, but a few months back there was a lot of activity and a lot of good advice and support.
The main thing is to start saying - as you did - " what's mine, is mine"
Unfortunately, they will drain every dollar you have, when your on the street, they will step over you.....
they are our kids in side there, but not when they are under the influence of drugs.
My husband and I had one year of my son getting addicted - we kept wondering what was wrong and trying to figure it out. Then once we knew we told him he had to leave. he got a fulltime job in FL - said he was gonna change this around - instead, it escalated. Then, we were constantly sending $$ to help w stuff - every week "was gonna be better" . drained us emotionally and financially etc... then he came home - got full time job - was going to go to out patient but didn't.... still addicted... then car accident and job loss... then we sent him to rehab in FL - he stayed 45 days - then sober living - which he said was a joke... he struggled with relapsing for that year, then another rehab and sober living - a good program - stayed for about 5 months total - then did not like rules, was working for 8 months.... still when out on his own - he relapses. We are into the 3rd year of 'recovery' . he is back home. doing better, but not sure... its a long road...
My brothers bests friend had a real quiet sister who got married, had kids. She was a nice girl. Had two sons, one went his way and became successful the other took the opposite road and did drugs. One night the drug addict son wanted his mom to give him money and she wouldn't. She went into her room to get away from him and whatever he was on. He ended up choking her to death. He killed his own mother! If your sons are abusive please be careful. If you can't keep them away, get a police order to help you. Separate yourself from them they've chosen their path, let them go live it. I know it's hard and it's heartbreaking for you but there comes a time when you have to start taking care of yourself. This drug business can go on and on for years. I'm 18 yrs now with my kid on drugs. She's been on drugs longer than she's ever been off them. There's nothing you can do to control it, or cure it. This is all theirs and their the ones who have to make the choice. Take care Tenley and you too Parenting. I know what it's like and my heart goes out to you both because I know how much you hurt. God Bless. Mary.
one more thing - do not blame yourself. You did not cause this and can not control it nor cure it. It is in the DNA. THEY can change - when They want to badly enough.
Go to Naranon or Alanon to learn to set boundaries. the boundaries are for you - such as - they can not come to the house, call u at work, etc. limit or eliminate anything you are paying for. when you are paying they don't have to and they don't feel consequence of their actions. when you are paying for things, they have more $$ to buy drugs.
batten down the hatches! Although you will still suffer heartache as you detach, you will also feel liberated when you are doing for yourself instead of them.
Go to Naranon or Alanon to learn to set boundaries. the boundaries are for you - such as - they can not come to the house, call u at work, etc. limit or eliminate anything you are paying for. when you are paying they don't have to and they don't feel consequence of their actions. when you are paying for things, they have more $$ to buy drugs.
batten down the hatches! Although you will still suffer heartache as you detach, you will also feel liberated when you are doing for yourself instead of them.
Thank you Parenting, nytoflorida and Mary. I guess Mother's Day got the best of me, and I needed to vent. I am in the process of detaching, in November I did pay for his apartment and deposit just to get him out. He wouldn't leave otherwise, when he finally got a job (again) I gave him the offer and he said yes, but his girlfriend was going to move in with him. Well actually during one of his melt downs I called my brother and he took Dal for a ride and calmed him and convinced him that our relationship is toxic and he needed to leave. Took about a month of finding the right apartment , but they did, and I was free of the constant chaos keeping me up at night. He has had several episodes where he calls me and begs threatens and try's to guilt me into letting him move back. NO! I've made my mind up even if he was to be homeless , I am not letting him back in, and I have the backing of my other child and brother, who both say they were worried he was going to hurt me someday. It's like going through mourning. I dread the day he might come banging on my door, hopefully I am strong enough to turn him away. Love him so much.Basketball diaries this scene is my exact nightmare , kudos to actor and actress.
yes it is like mourning. it hurts a lot. if you do talk w him give him supportive advice. my son seemed to stop badgering when I kept telling him to go to sober living or NA meetings, etc - when he was not getting the answers he wants, he stopped asking.
Hi,
I am so sorry you are going through this. My son,Z has been struggling 9 years and currently in his 14th Rehab. Its been really bad. I love him so much....we all do but after starting Alanon months ago.....there is nothing we can do. Z is 21 yrs old and Im praying he is making changes. Friday he will go to a sober living and I pray that works out. He has OD and almost died, been in car wreck, chased by guys with guns, homeless and most currently ended up in a bad part of town staying with some strange people. He was jumped and beat up bad by 2 people at the same time. His ex called me out of the blue and wanted to talk and try to get old Z back to get help. He is back but this is a lifetime struggle. You have to understand ...they are sick! I choose to tell my son I love him, no screaming because thats not helping.....ITS THEIR CHOICE! I would get to an Alanon meeting asap to get support. I was addicted to my son but will always be there when he is sober and working his steps otherwise I detach if he goes the other way. I know Im rambling but you have to take care of you!!! I was in the hospital a month ago 3 times due to stress... which we thought heart attack. My nose was bleeding and I was spitting up blood --sorry that was awful....but at the end of the day----its their journey with God so take care of you.
Prayers and Hugs
Paula
I am so sorry you are going through this. My son,Z has been struggling 9 years and currently in his 14th Rehab. Its been really bad. I love him so much....we all do but after starting Alanon months ago.....there is nothing we can do. Z is 21 yrs old and Im praying he is making changes. Friday he will go to a sober living and I pray that works out. He has OD and almost died, been in car wreck, chased by guys with guns, homeless and most currently ended up in a bad part of town staying with some strange people. He was jumped and beat up bad by 2 people at the same time. His ex called me out of the blue and wanted to talk and try to get old Z back to get help. He is back but this is a lifetime struggle. You have to understand ...they are sick! I choose to tell my son I love him, no screaming because thats not helping.....ITS THEIR CHOICE! I would get to an Alanon meeting asap to get support. I was addicted to my son but will always be there when he is sober and working his steps otherwise I detach if he goes the other way. I know Im rambling but you have to take care of you!!! I was in the hospital a month ago 3 times due to stress... which we thought heart attack. My nose was bleeding and I was spitting up blood --sorry that was awful....but at the end of the day----its their journey with God so take care of you.
Prayers and Hugs
Paula
Just venting still living the hell. My son is still living in an apartment but hasn't had a job since December when his girlfriend decided to leave him in June he panicked and called me to tell me he has a job opportunity and needed a ride to the interview. Of course I saw this as a rock bottom opportunity situation.He wasn't right but he passed the mouth swab test. I took him grocery shopping to get him food for lunches, bought him bus passes so if in need he can get to work. He lasted a week and a half, he quit showing up after the first pay check.my bestfriends son moved in with him and I had to tell my friend what my son is into,so he moved out right away and of course I am to blame. So I buy more groceries and parcial rent because of guilt. I told him no more he has to get a job, he says he wants to get a job at Arby's so he can walk there. As of today I haven't heard from him, even if he gets a job at Arby's he won't be able to pay 400 rent by the 1st. I know he is going to be homeless, I think it's harder on me then him. I truly believe he thinks I will save him again and I don't blame him. I have to let him fall, I have to let him suffer. I will not let him ever live with me again. Please give me strength.
What am I going to say and do when he calls and cries and yells that he is homeless and it's all my fault. Or comes to my home and bangs and cusses or even to my work and cusses me? It's like I am held hostage by my guilt shame and love for the drug addict.The anticipation of what is going to happen scares me to death.
Tenley--
As you can see "NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES"!!
YOU ARE STILL DOING THE ENABLING SO WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE???
I know it is very hard to do as a mom and with the guilt we put on ourselves. MY 46 yr. old was verbally abusive and constantly asking for help when he did nothing to help himself except use drugs! We enabled him since he was a teen and then when I ran out of tears and it was affecting my husband , myself, and our 15 y/o adopted and disabled son--I said no more and set a 6 month break period from him which won't end till Jan. 2018. I no longer take text or calls from him and I haven't heard a word. Best thing I ever did to maintain my sanity! I can finally function, sleep, and breath again!
Do I wonder and think about him? Absolutely! The difference is I am not in control--God is! My son will have to figure it out and I pray everyday for him but I vowed to no longer let him slowly kill me and that is what was happening!
I pray you can let go and have your life back!
((HUGS))) Lori
As you can see "NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES"!!
YOU ARE STILL DOING THE ENABLING SO WHY SHOULD HE CHANGE???
I know it is very hard to do as a mom and with the guilt we put on ourselves. MY 46 yr. old was verbally abusive and constantly asking for help when he did nothing to help himself except use drugs! We enabled him since he was a teen and then when I ran out of tears and it was affecting my husband , myself, and our 15 y/o adopted and disabled son--I said no more and set a 6 month break period from him which won't end till Jan. 2018. I no longer take text or calls from him and I haven't heard a word. Best thing I ever did to maintain my sanity! I can finally function, sleep, and breath again!
Do I wonder and think about him? Absolutely! The difference is I am not in control--God is! My son will have to figure it out and I pray everyday for him but I vowed to no longer let him slowly kill me and that is what was happening!
I pray you can let go and have your life back!
((HUGS))) Lori
Tenly, the only thing that has put some space between me and husband vs our son it that we sent him to rehab and sober living. It was enough to put the brakes on. and give us a rest. Letting him be dependent to someone else. He was compliant and stayed for 45 days at the first rehab - insurance paid. Then sober living - that was not so good. Then he floundered around with jobs and living w others. Then lost everything - clothes, computer, etc - at a condo when the son of the owner left town and my son was out of town for a week, the parents (owner of the condo) changed the locks and denied that my son's stuff was in the place! (they did not live there) He never got his stuff back.. that was the first year of recovery.
during this time I was acting like an ATM - $20 to $100 all the time for for food, gas, etc....
Then 2016, back to rehab - we had to pay cash. Then to a sober living - which was a good one. He got a job, paid rent, went to meetings, until he got tired of it - 5 months. Then moved out , rented a room, relapsed but kept working...... end of 2016 not the great improvement that we wanted to see, but it could be worse. Spring of this year, he asked to come back home. He is back in our area, living w gf, driving our old car, works full time. Still is using something as he runs out of $$ before paycheck.
The point to my story is that when our son was in sober living, it got us off the hook. He was in a program whose goal was to get young men to be responsible for themselves, and stop asking mom and dad for help.
2017 is year 3 of being in recovery, but not clean. he is not abusive. he does not manage his $$ well, does not take care of himself well. has an arm injury but wont go to dr. the car needs work, but wont take time to bring to a shop. but he does get up and go to work every day.... so we just keep hoping he gets tired of the crappy way he's living and lives better someday.
conclusion - it is a long road. Get off as soon as you can. the years go by too fast.
during this time I was acting like an ATM - $20 to $100 all the time for for food, gas, etc....
Then 2016, back to rehab - we had to pay cash. Then to a sober living - which was a good one. He got a job, paid rent, went to meetings, until he got tired of it - 5 months. Then moved out , rented a room, relapsed but kept working...... end of 2016 not the great improvement that we wanted to see, but it could be worse. Spring of this year, he asked to come back home. He is back in our area, living w gf, driving our old car, works full time. Still is using something as he runs out of $$ before paycheck.
The point to my story is that when our son was in sober living, it got us off the hook. He was in a program whose goal was to get young men to be responsible for themselves, and stop asking mom and dad for help.
2017 is year 3 of being in recovery, but not clean. he is not abusive. he does not manage his $$ well, does not take care of himself well. has an arm injury but wont go to dr. the car needs work, but wont take time to bring to a shop. but he does get up and go to work every day.... so we just keep hoping he gets tired of the crappy way he's living and lives better someday.
conclusion - it is a long road. Get off as soon as you can. the years go by too fast.
This last Sunday my D texted me after not hearing from him for a week. He said "moooommmm, I'm hungry, will you get me some Reese's puffs and milk?" I was caught off guard and said, "maybe tomorrow, I am not getting out today." D says, "ok I would rather be today I'm about out of food because I've been eating cause you been worried, I'm a lot fatter now and just wants some puffs! Love you" I say, "Glad you are getting healthier but I am not getting out of the house today sorry love you too." D says," it's okay, tomorrow is fine, I need a haircut too, so I can look nice." I slept on these messages, which is the kindest he as been in quite awhile. In the morning I check these posts and realize he is sucking me back in and manipulating me in to buying him not only cereal and milk but whatever he can get from me. I message him back," I can cut your hair today, be ready for me to pick you up at 12:00 noon. Don't expect grocerceries because I am done with that. Glad you are healthier, but it's not my place to feed you. You are a grown man that can take care of yourself. Hopefully you can get it together but if you don't it's all on you. I have mentally prepared myself for you to be homeless, again it's all on you. And if we can't have a civil relationship without you wanting something or being abusive, then I am willing to let you go. I won't put up with it anymore. I love you, and if you still want a haircut, I am willing to do that for you." (I am a hairdresser) D answers," nevermind". Then a few hour later D says,"Don't say your gonna do something then the next day you give me some BS lecture about you care and that your not gonna buy me groceries, I asked for a f..ing box of Reese's and milk get kff your lecture BS with me you are so bi polar it's ridiculous your the one that needs help." I didn't reply back. I didn't buy him food.
Tenley--
I know how hard that was for you as I have had the same almost word for word conversation with my addicted son. He has said I am the one with the problem and I have heard everything your son said too-- even with the expletives!
Amazing to me how they behave so much alike and even say alot of the same things to us moms.
They must have a guide book on how to manipulate parents and others. lol!
Hang in there cause it will get better. Isn't always what we want or how we would like them to be but it is definitely better than the abuse and stress we have endured!
You did good!!
Stay strong and big hugs--Lori
I know how hard that was for you as I have had the same almost word for word conversation with my addicted son. He has said I am the one with the problem and I have heard everything your son said too-- even with the expletives!
Amazing to me how they behave so much alike and even say alot of the same things to us moms.
They must have a guide book on how to manipulate parents and others. lol!
Hang in there cause it will get better. Isn't always what we want or how we would like them to be but it is definitely better than the abuse and stress we have endured!
You did good!!
Stay strong and big hugs--Lori