Wanted To Share.....

hey family!
thought i would start this thread to let all of you kind people here know about some more growth i have had thru the wonderful posts i received on the other thread i started.
for any newcomers here i have been struggling with guilt, resentments and living in my past and people here have really opened up my eyes as i have reflected on whats been suggested to me and for that i am grateful.
i have realized that it IS my stinkin thinkin thats the culprit of this disease of addiction, i have trouble living life on lifes terms and i am not comfortable in my skin, so i numbed it all away with mind/mood altering chemicals, this is what i learned in the 21 mos of recovery and i never could of known that while i was using.
i also allowed people free rent in my head and i beat myself up so bad for that, they taught me here that resentments are keeping me sick, and the abusers arent losing any sleep.
like i said i have reflected and this is what i am trying, a new approach, i HAVE to learn to think differently so how can i change that i thought?
my entire life i have felt immense guilt towards how i feel about my parents, they seem to be the big culprit here,i do have justification to feel the way that i do and its time to think of them in a different light.
they are not capable, neither are my husband and siblings to be able to grasp what i am doing in recovery or to be the people I WANT them to be, God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cant change... i cant change the past, it hurt like h*ll its terrible what they did and said to me but i have to look at them as very sick people still caught up in their addictions as well and i can pray for them as i do.
i abandoned julie thru out all this,i didnt allow myself to feel, the only thing i could feel is my guilt for setting boundaries, but guess what? julie needed those boundaries to be set, this recovery is very important to saving MY life!! I HAVE TO COME FIRST!!!!
and when those guilt feelings try to invade my serenity, i must push them out with positivity instead of focusing on me being the bad person, i should of never thought of myself as bad, for what did i do to consider myself that way? nothing!
i have been and still am a good daughter sister and wife! i have to keep those feelings fresh to diffuse the ones that tell me i am bad because i set a boundary and with my parents declining i CANNOT be there for them like i want to be for they do not know how to treat me in a way that supports my recovery, its time for julie to be a little selfish here, plus i need to get a back bone here, i allowed people to treat me like a doormat because i was/am too afraid to stand up for myself, i need more work in that dept..
why am i so afraid to stand up for myself i ask? because i am so afraid to hurt someones feelings, there i go abandoning myself, my co-dependancy kicks in. but i dont understand why i am not afraid to hurt my husbands feelings, i must look at him as a person also caught up in his addiction too like i was, unfortunately he has not found or doenst want recovery, he has treated me so terrible you all know that and i have tried so many avenues to get out but i seem to come to dead end streets whenever i get just a little bit of strength to leave this marriage as my consultation with the divorce lawyer knocked me down for the few hopes i had left.maybe just maybe this is Gods plan for my marriage that some how thru prayer and example my sick husband will get this, but i must not focus on him, ME, it has to be about me and only me,
i did make a promise to God on my wedding day as i said the vow for better or worse, in SICKNESS and in health, some may not take that seriously but i do, for i cannot forget God in my program or my life, i know God doesnt want me to be unhappy in my marriage, it is up to God to deal with my husbands sins toward this marriage, revenge is NOT up to me for revenge is mine sayeth the Lord.
ok i just wanted to share this growth with all of you who have helped me get this far, i love when this occurs, when i can look at a problem and know that things are changing for the better, little by little, step by step and i mean that in reference to the 12 steps, and just for today,,,,,,,,,, love and God bless each and everyone of you.
Wow Julie! That's awesome! I can only imagine what it would be like to experience that kind of growth. No matter how bleak your past was, your post conveyed to me just how bright your future is gonna be. Good for you for standing up for what YOU deserve!
Hi Jewels

Jodi you can do anything you put your mind to. Its all in your head. We all have our deamon's but the bottom line is we have always used a substance to run away from the pain.

Today we all choose to deal with the pain without running to a pill or a drink Etc.

Jodi recovery is special. I am amazed at where I was at one point in my life and where I am today.

Regarding Jewels she is very special. You have read her story as she has been so courageous to share it with all of us. That takes a lot of balls to begin with.
"
But now she shares how she is dealing with her pain. PAIN" whether it mental physical--/Dual type of 'PAIN" IT ALL BLOWS --but you cannot run from Pain .

Just learn how to 'ACCEPT" a word that well I have trouble with --lots of trouble.

Jewels I am happy for you but also grateful that you have shared all of your history.

You have helped a few people it seems by coming to this board and sharing very intimate issues. That pretty f-in Impressive Jewels.

One day you should stand-or sit in a chair and share your 'STORY"

Jewels /Jodi enjoy your evening

Jeff
QUOTE
One day you should stand-or sit in a chair and share your 'STORY

well jeff, thats one area where i am gonna need some help, i want to share my story but i freeze up in anxiety, plus i wouldnt be allowed to share about sub and then i would only be telling half my story, i can so easily share behind a computer screen.your posts really make me feel good, thank you, jodi, it can be done, i am no where near where i want to be yet, but i am getting there, this is why i share so others could try too, have you considered antabuse? as a last resort??

Jewels if someone asks you to share your story you share it. I am not sure this 'Cannot talk about Sub stuff but when I shared my story I told the people in the room and it was a rehab where I had spent 28 days in. They invited me back to share my story on my one yr anniversary..

Jewels I just told them all about my life from the time i started using and how I ended up sitting at that table sharing ,my life and recovery. This sub? Crap is Bull. But Jewels its your call not mine.

If someone had reason to tell me not to mention suboxone or at an AA meeting not to say I am Jeff and a drug addict and alcoholic? well lets just say I would share my opinion on the subject.

Jewels Suboxone? Its just a small part of our recovery. Anybody who talks negative about the Medication is ignorant.

'"IF IT DOES NOT APPLY LET IT FLY"

People in the program of NA/AA like any other program is not perfect. Its what you think and feel Jewls not a bunch of strangers.

You go home at night and look in the mirror THAT who you answer to.

You should be very proud of yourself from what I have been reading. Your a special lady--

Jeff

P.S
Jewels please realize in this program like in all aspects of life you will run Ignorant people--Let it go Jewels--your story is amazing and that makes makes you in my mind a very special person.

Julie,

Don't let anybody ever make you feel guilty for using sub. In myh opinion, you are using it as the tool it's intended to be. And not abusing it.

As far as I'm concerned, sub, antabuse, whatever...that's not going to be my solution. Not until I do the work that you've done. Because even if i could be on sub, or whateever other medicines are out there...I'm still going to look for nay other buzz available. sub and antabuse won't keep me from pot or inhalants. sub won't keep me from being addicted to this sick relationship.

Anyways, you sound great. Good for you. I really mean that!!!

I'm so scared to say goodbye...to the buzz...to my husband...to my home...and as sick as it is, to life as I know it. It's so scary.

I hate being vulnerable. I hate admitting I'm scared. But I am. It is what it is.

This is what I know.
jodi and jeff
i dont know if you have read this before but i am not allowed so they say to speak of sub at meetings because NA is a complete program of abstinance from all drugs, i have tried to tell them that with sub becoming quite known that they need to update their principles, yet i do know that addicts should try the abstinence way to recovery first!
i try so hard to be honest openminded and willing and i want to share my story honestly, but i suppose i could say to the group that i found a new method of treatment and leave it at that, because i couldnt grasp NA the first time i went to meetings in wd's so i cannot say to the group na is what saved my life, i want to be able to say that my second attempt at NA did save my life but it was thru the help of sub that i was able to grasp it,
i do not want to let the newcomer or anyone to know that i glorify sub in anyway, i yet to have to come off it one day too, pay my interest like tim says.
i also got slammed in rehab, i was so dope sick when i got there and i knew nothing about how sub would work in my wd's and then to be able to feel half way decent so i could again try to grasp what rehab was all about made one kid there say to me that i triggered him to want to go smoke pot, in group i had some rough peers, they told me i was a bad mother and that really p*ssed me off,i took that comment the wrong way, but 21 mos later i can see that my using did affect my sons. i never neglected them in any way and i still today can say i am and was a good mother, but i wasnt taking care of me.
i am soooo grateful, despite my sons having a alcohol/porn addicted father and a drug addict mother and grandmother, an alcoholic aunt and i am sure the family tree would reveal more that they are just for today drug and alcohol free! my youngest just recently passed a drug screen for work, and they have told me that they have drank a beer out of dads stock, my oldest says it made him feel dizzy and he suffers from motion sickness like me and i hope that both boys will be able to abstain as they face life on lifes terms, they have seen me struggle yet they see me recover and thats the best gift i can give them, i am so proud to be able to say to them when they ask where you going? and i reply to a meeting, they have heard me say this now for almost two yrs.
jodi, i know exactly what your feeling for i too am scared, and i am so proud to hear you say that you want to do this with no help from anymore meds, you go girl! when i have read how you are the major bread winner i would wish that i was so i could leave this marriage, thru much prayer God still seems to guide my path in a direction where i can now look at my husband and parents as very sick people, my emmotional and physical health would not be able to handle working two full time jobs to swing it on my own, my husband just retired as he is 15 yrs older than i and he has just set me up as beneficiary to his pension for my future in my old age, i need to say one good thing about my husband instead of the negative i have said here before and that he despite his problems worked a 40 hr a week job for the 27 years we have been together and handed over his check to me to pay bills and did provide for the boys and i a comfortable life style and for that i am grateful and i will keep praying him well and i now believe that he never would of treated me so badly had he not been so sick in his addictions, for he too is an addict. i no longer have an interest in being his lover girl anymore, but today i will say that i am willing to be friends, if that is all possible because it has been tough to be clean and live with someone who is still using. i was totally blown away and swept off my feet when i first met him, i was soooo sick, i hadnt really did drugs yet, just a few times in my life when i smoked pot at a party, and i just left an abusive home life and in walks my husband who took me into another world i had no idea about and we floated in a false drug estacy for many years, but i became so depressed from the drugs and eventually went on to use opiates and then i knew the gig was up.
so jodi, keep on keeping on, dont ever give up, i have learned that we have to change this stinkin thinkin, it is soooo true when i can now look back on my life and see where my thinking was so wrong, in how i perceived myself and others.
its hard to teach this old dog new tricks, but i am learning, with a few months of increment time, i gain more knowledge, thru God, meetings, sponsor, stepwork and counseling and of course this forum. i always think back 21 mos ago when i was sitting in the seat where you get checked in to rehab and every one walks by you and thinks theres a newbie, what did i know then? not too much, what has been revealed to me, unbelievable! and its those forever repeated slogans from NA that will stick with me for life, keep coming back, just for today, one day at a time, one is two many and a thousand is never enough etc. forever embedded in my brain and thats a good thing as when i have become so distraught and i took it as one second (not a minute) at a time and it worked, i never knew that recovery would be hard too, as i have had to do things that i didnt want to do, like take suggestions from my sponsor, open up and share, those dark episodes that creep up, i have cried an ocean of tears, i had to feel, in all my experiences with IOP and rehabs and counselors they would pry at me to open up and i just tried so hard to resist that, and to walk into rehab alone the second time and walk into a meeting alone was very scary and what hurt me the most was to have no support from family whatsoever, family day would come and people would all have family around them, that hurt, but i did get clergy to come see me and pray with me and i am grateful for that,.
jeff i am so grateful for your reaching out to me, i want what you have, how you kicked the drugs the caffiene!!! omg! i dont know how you could of endured that one as i still have more unhealthy habits to conquer, i pray that God will give me another chance at life to stop destroying the temple of my body with everything i have polluted it with. i am repulsed when i think how i ignore my diabetes as far as diet is concerned, i skip meals, smoke way too much and have a pepsi at all times, they relieve anxiety for me and that is something else i have to learn, how to cope with anxiety in a healthy way.
what you said to me about how brave i am to come here and share my story, really made me feel special, see i never think that people think of me that way, and that feels really really good, i love coming here and know that i can vent and be understood, there is nothing better than a recovering addict who knows,
here we are blessed with a new day, and i am so grateful that my sons and animals are here to share another day with me, Thank you so much Lord for that blessing. jewels