Wasted Time

I'm done wasting time.

I'm going to a meeting tomorrow.

I'm wasting my time here.

I don't have any time left.

It's insanity....total insanity.

And I won't post again until AFTER I've went to a meeting.

I will need all of you by then. Really bad.
I'm holding my breath and no one can tell me not too. I'll be right here Jodi. In case no one's told you today that you're loved...consider yourself told. Lisa
Lisa,

This is how bad it is. I either go to a meeting, or I go buy enough drugs to overdose. I can see why this a******'s son comitted suicide.

I can't go on like this.

I'm done.
Ok, you're done. Bout time you realized that but it takes what it takes. So now you start working on Jodi. We dont' worry about a******, we worry about Jodi and what Jodi needs to do to live life again. I'm making a threat here Jodi...if I don't see you post tomorrow, I will call you. I still have your number. So no more talk of suicide. Got it?
Jodi,
A meeting is the better choice! Please go and let us know how it goes. I PROMISE there is life after drugs and its a MUCH better life. Youve got some hard work ahead of you but nothing worthwhile is every easy. YOU are worthwhile so please take that first step - it gets easier with each one you take.
I don't know where to get the strength. I've gotta find it.

Here I sit, in front of my computer with my music blaring! Thank god for loud speakers, so I can't even hear the bulls*** coming out of his f***ing mouth.

I don't care anymore. I'm tired of the f***ing games.

Time to get pissed (which I can always do) but it's especially time to STAY PISSED!

My kids hate him. That's enough.
Jodi,i know life can be rough.And you srue have had your share.

Its time things started going in the other direction for you,and youve made the decision to take those steps.You wont be sorry.Do this for YOU!

We'll all be here willing to help in anyway we can. I doubt theres one person here who doesnt believe that you can do this.We all want the best for you,you deserve it,you deserve it NOW!

Please,take care tonight,and get to the meeting.~KIM

Yes Jodi,your kids hating him is more than enough.Do it for ALL of you!
And, as of my appointment today, I have health insurance so I will be seeing my doctor about all of this. I am depressed, I am an alcoholic, I am an addict. And I need so much. So that's where I will start...a meeting and my doctor.

Unfortunately, me having insurance means that things aren't well here. Because, I also got food stamps. Nothing wrong with that, I guess. But I work my a** off. Even through the foot of snow we had, I work my a** off.

I wouldn't need assistance from the state if my "husbutt" would get a f***ing job.

Yeah right.

What a joke.

Oh god do I have resentments. I asked him "why do you think I'm still here?" It's obviously not for his money. He said because it's "convenient" for me!?!?!?!

WHAT???

This is CONVENIENT? Mother f***ing a******!

I'm done. And tonight, he went on and on and on and on...etc..., about how he is done....he's had it. Whatever.

Poor baby has it so bad.

Yet, come tomorrow morning, all of this will be forgotten, atleast never mentioned again.

But I will remember. And I will be mentioning it! Believe me.
Jodi,

YGM.

Love,
Gina
Gina,

I haven't got your email yet. But I will keep checking.

You have been great, Gina. I haven't forgotten anything you've said.

Jodi,

Freakin' hotmail. I'll resend it.

Love,
Gina

P.S. Gentle nudge. If you have insurance, maybe it will cover Dr. H's fees. But it's great that you're going to a meeting.
I got it, Gina.

Can anyone tell me this? Now I am mellowing out a little. Not quite so angry.

Why do I back down?

The a****** is in bed, probably pouting because there is no beer left. Probably passed out by now.

When we get up for work in the morning, I will have a little bit of an attitude, or be a little depressed. He will be a little quiet. Then it will progress to a "normal" day.

How do I stay pissed? How do I just do it?

Anybody want to call him and say all the things I'm dying for him to hear when he's sober?

Just kidding.

I need to feel the right to stand up for myself when I'm sober. They call alcohol "liquid courage" for a reason.

And.......

Now I'm just plain sad.

We went for our welfare appointment today. Or even filling out school forms. It just feels "right" to say that we have the traditional family. A mom, a dad, 2 kids. And, yes, he is their father. They almost look at you like you are the exception.

I mean, that's the way it's supposed to be, right?

If they only knew what went on behind closed doors. The criticism...that's the worst. He is so critical, of everything. Me? Okay. Fine. I was very cold today, sitting in our home. I didn't b**** or complain. I just covered myself up. He started in on me about why am I always so cold, was I like that when I was younger and lived at my mom's????? I mean,,,what????? What's the big deal? I can't control that. I didn't even complain about it!

I know it sounds petty. That's just one example. It's like that all day long. Always wondering if I am talking right, looking right, feeling right, behaving right, if I have the right expression on my face.

He will test me. He will ask if he can "have a kiss". I kiss him...but he doesn't kiss me in return. He wants to see if my kiss is really a kiss, I guess. He will say "You didn't even kiss me". I say, "Well, you wanted one and you didn't kiss me." He will say "Well I just wanted to see if you really wanted to kiss me."

WTF???

See what I mean about games?

So...

sorry for being so long-winded.

But how do I stay pissed? I want to hate him and I want to be able to continue hating him. Why do I feel sorry for him the next day?

WHy?

And what do I do about it?

But I meant to say that he is even more critical now of our sons than he ever was.

It was always that way with our oldest...granted, he is a hand full. A sort of "problem child", if you will. But even the Golden Boy, the youngest. He can't do anything right.

I swear he hates them. They don't like him much anymore.

I hate what I am putting them through.

I hate that I chose him to be their dad.

They deserve more. Children don't need criticism at home. They get enough of that at school, or even self-criticism while looking in the mirror.

I want my boys to feel good about who they are. How can they do that when they hate half of their genes?
Jodi you know how you stay mad you reread this tomorrow morning. I was getting angry at him just reading your posts. I am recently new here was on a few times back and I have read your post very regularly. If I have gotten anything out of them I have gotten this you do not love your "husbutt". How can you?? Love is respect and neither of you have it. I don't know your whole story so forgive me if I sound presumptuous but my parents were divorced when I was only 3or 4 my biological father was a cheater a drinker and an abuser. He disrespected woman both my mom and me, if she had not left him and remarried a wonderful man I would be a very different person. Yes I am an addict but that is all me he taught me to respect myself to love others to treat people with kindness, and to really work for what you want. Don't you think your children deserve that kind of life. If you can't figure it out for yourself then Dammit do it for your kids.
Roxy
He's just like another addiction, ya know?

I hate all of it. The pills, the alcohol, him.

I love all of them while at the same time hating them with all of the passion I can muster up.

I don't understand.

I don't need to understand though.

I just need to do it...to rid myself of all of them.

I have dreams and goals. Or I did. I still do.

I'm living my life for me and my kids from this day on. I'm going to college. Getting a job I like.

And doing all of it clean. I'm doing it. That's my first priority. Getting clean.

I have to.
Jodi yes you can do it. But fix you first. ok I so feel for you. You sound dangerously angry but hey maybe that is a good thing get mad and maybe you can fix this thing called your life. I will say a prayer for you honey.
Roxy
After a while, you will get tired of hearing yourself complain. It is all part of the natural progression. I surely did.

Now you have insurance, so what about rehab?

You need it, Jodi. Or sub with some heavy duty therapy; Gina even found you a good doc.

How old are you boys? Their dad can watch them for 28 days and now food stamps will ensure they are fed.

What you are putting your boys through will have long lasting negative effects on them if you don't make changes. I have learned this the hard way.

Like Roxy said, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. They don't deserve an a** for a dad and a drunk for a mom.

I don't mean to sound harsh; but this is not only about you anymore. You are responsible for the happiness of two boys, and it doesn't sound like they are happy.

You just got that medical for a reason. Now, no more exuses.

If you ever need an ear, I am here. You can do this, Jodi.
Sweet Girl

posted you on other thread

sending postive thoughts and healing white light

all around you


hugs

Ali
Blank him out of your mind....focus on you.When you are pissed...use that energy to DO something for you...a meeting...a DR. appt...anything to get you well. You deerve better. Screw him Jodi. Rise above it and prove to him that he cannot keep you down. Love, Sharonn