I'm lost. I'm alone. I sit and try to keep my mind off of everything I've done. All I've lived through. I just want things to be back to the way they were. No I take that back. I just want to be on something anything, to help me deal with all that is around me. I need to start taking care of myself, I don't know how. It's like I need someone to walk me through it again. I need to let it all out, I need to feel the realese. I'm scared to. What will fill that space where now all I feel in hurt and pain. I'm scared that I will start hurting myself again. It's already started. I am barely eating again. I will only eat when my mom sits there and makes me. Even then I feel sick and I fear it won't stay down. Then I remember my stash of sleeping pills. But I don't want to do that either. I start to think that maybe a good crack bindge would cure it all, I never totally od on that, but then I know I would use it with the same purpose as the pills. Maybe just some pot to numb things out abit, oh but that just leads down. What to do. I just can't keep on giving. I am there for so many people but never myself. I almost use them to avoid my problems. I need a place like this that can deal with addictions, insest, rape, eating disorders, depression, suicide, and more. I want to be able to feel. I want to be free of all these things.
Hopeless and lost
BabyCakes
Baby,
You should put yourself FIRST on the list, never mind helping out others right now.
Don't hurt yourself...
You said..."I just want to be on something anything, to help me deal with all that is around me."
Suround yourself with people who love you...tell your mom!
Life is a real gift, a one shot deal...
Embrace it.
For all that it offers is really beautiful.
Live it.
You are a child of God.
And a sister of mine.
I wish I knew what to say to you to let you know,
it really will be ok.
I think i know where you are in life,
and believe me, it does get better, I promise.
Much love to you.
I'm here if you want to talk.
Beside you in life,
RF
You should put yourself FIRST on the list, never mind helping out others right now.
Don't hurt yourself...
You said..."I just want to be on something anything, to help me deal with all that is around me."
Suround yourself with people who love you...tell your mom!
Life is a real gift, a one shot deal...
Embrace it.
For all that it offers is really beautiful.
Live it.
You are a child of God.
And a sister of mine.
I wish I knew what to say to you to let you know,
it really will be ok.
I think i know where you are in life,
and believe me, it does get better, I promise.
Much love to you.
I'm here if you want to talk.
Beside you in life,
RF
I hate to say it but my mom is to caught up in my sister and a friend to give me a look. She doesn't evn know half the stuff I have done, and the stuff she knows I've quit she thinks are over. She doesn't realize that it is one of those things that sticks with you. It is so scary being alone in this. I'm trapped in a small town with no friends no one to talk to living with my mom in 700 square feet. We already don't get along. I need something solid. I feel asthough I am constantly looking into a dead end. Every where I turn there is a way out. It all seems so hopeless. What is left for me. I thank you for your support. I need every bit of it.
Here today gone tomarrow
BabyCakes
Here today gone tomarrow
BabyCakes
Hi BabyCakes,
Gosh! I sure have been in your shoes. I completely know how you feel. It seems as though you are getting somewhere though. You know what is going to happen if you keep getting high. The same thing. High for a time but when you come down you will be right back where you started. No. Not really. Things will be worse. If you just keep yourself on track with what you are going through right now and stay off of the pills and other stuff you might have you will, yes, you will get through another day. What is there in your town? Do they have NA meetings there? Do they have a community college or maybe a school where you can start going to gain some skills? You have to get yourself busy girl. Before I got clean, I had three children. During my years of using, I left them for a while. But like you were saying, I felt like sh*t and knew that if I continued to get high that my life would not change. So...........one day after watching this documentary on the Green Valley River Murders, I began to think. What if I was murdered and no one knew who I was. What about my kids? Well, the very next day I went home. After being gone for a few years I went home. It was not easy. My family was so used to my crap that they weren't giving me any trust not even to be alone with my own daughter and my ex-husband would not let me see my boys. That hurt. Anyway, I stayed clean for one month and I started feeling like I did not know what to do with myself. I didn't. I actually put myself in a rehab program for women. While in there I learned how to get up in the morning, how to cook again, how to love my children and how to deal with my feelings of missing them and abandoning them. I dealt! I went to many, many meetings, sat in groups where we talked about what was on our hearts. I learned so many things there. Well guess what? I also met my husband of nine years there. I now have two more children. Twins! Talk about having to get it righ now. It has not always been easy and continues to be a battle. My life that is. but my point is it never gets easy. You just learn how to deal with life without getting high. Trust me. It can happen for your BabyCakes. I can feel your pain, your words and I just know if you find something to keep you busy, to make you feel whole, that you will come out of this and be happy. You need to maybe go in to a womens group or NA meetings. I know they have womens groups. Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. Babycakes, what do you want out of life? Where do you want to be with your life in the future? Write me back.
Cathy
Gosh! I sure have been in your shoes. I completely know how you feel. It seems as though you are getting somewhere though. You know what is going to happen if you keep getting high. The same thing. High for a time but when you come down you will be right back where you started. No. Not really. Things will be worse. If you just keep yourself on track with what you are going through right now and stay off of the pills and other stuff you might have you will, yes, you will get through another day. What is there in your town? Do they have NA meetings there? Do they have a community college or maybe a school where you can start going to gain some skills? You have to get yourself busy girl. Before I got clean, I had three children. During my years of using, I left them for a while. But like you were saying, I felt like sh*t and knew that if I continued to get high that my life would not change. So...........one day after watching this documentary on the Green Valley River Murders, I began to think. What if I was murdered and no one knew who I was. What about my kids? Well, the very next day I went home. After being gone for a few years I went home. It was not easy. My family was so used to my crap that they weren't giving me any trust not even to be alone with my own daughter and my ex-husband would not let me see my boys. That hurt. Anyway, I stayed clean for one month and I started feeling like I did not know what to do with myself. I didn't. I actually put myself in a rehab program for women. While in there I learned how to get up in the morning, how to cook again, how to love my children and how to deal with my feelings of missing them and abandoning them. I dealt! I went to many, many meetings, sat in groups where we talked about what was on our hearts. I learned so many things there. Well guess what? I also met my husband of nine years there. I now have two more children. Twins! Talk about having to get it righ now. It has not always been easy and continues to be a battle. My life that is. but my point is it never gets easy. You just learn how to deal with life without getting high. Trust me. It can happen for your BabyCakes. I can feel your pain, your words and I just know if you find something to keep you busy, to make you feel whole, that you will come out of this and be happy. You need to maybe go in to a womens group or NA meetings. I know they have womens groups. Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize. Babycakes, what do you want out of life? Where do you want to be with your life in the future? Write me back.
Cathy
Cathy you always manage to shine a light where I thought there was none. All I really want from life is to know what happiness feels like, to be in love and loved in return, most importantly I just want to be able to say I lived. We finally got NA here, it scares me. It's like once I go I am officially an addict. I also am scared of who I will see there. School was such a painful time for me, that I am terrified to see any of them, excpecially in a place where I am alone.
I know I need to go because I am doing worse then I was. I haven't eaten today. The thought of food makes me sick. My body is telling me it needs some for of "pain relief". I have chills. I'm shaking all over again. It's times like this I get scared.
I try to deal. Every time I do I zone out. When I feel alone I go into almost like a comatose state where I breath very shallow, I may blink I may not, I start to have muscle spasims, and it takes alot to snap me out of it. On the good days I just lay there and I feel almost as if I am wrapped in lifting arms, that seem to keep me above the sinking depression.
At the end of the day I just hope I can sleep, because then I don't have an excuse to take anything, and I don't have to try and find something to do with myself.
I'm so scared of what is next, what is ahead. I wish this was over, and I was through this. I just want to let go.
BabyCakes
I know I need to go because I am doing worse then I was. I haven't eaten today. The thought of food makes me sick. My body is telling me it needs some for of "pain relief". I have chills. I'm shaking all over again. It's times like this I get scared.
I try to deal. Every time I do I zone out. When I feel alone I go into almost like a comatose state where I breath very shallow, I may blink I may not, I start to have muscle spasims, and it takes alot to snap me out of it. On the good days I just lay there and I feel almost as if I am wrapped in lifting arms, that seem to keep me above the sinking depression.
At the end of the day I just hope I can sleep, because then I don't have an excuse to take anything, and I don't have to try and find something to do with myself.
I'm so scared of what is next, what is ahead. I wish this was over, and I was through this. I just want to let go.
BabyCakes
