It's wonderful. Part of life's miracle.
Sometimes though it makes it hard for me to understand others. I recognise I live within myself and can't really know another's hopes, dreams, fears. I think that's one of the reasons I fled myself and was a prime candidate for alcoholism. I loved drinking, but what hooked ME was that I loved the feelings it gave me....much better than the ones I HAD...or so I thought. The complicated bit was that the ones I thought I HAD weren't really mine either lol. Someone else had imposed them on me - or rather, the young me had accepted them as the best compromise with life possible to him at the time.
So I was drinking to replace false feelings I didn't like with false feelings I did...maybe at some level some of the real feelings were coming through at first? But of course it doesn't carry on like that....continuing to abuse alcohol sent a message to my soul that vivid, false feelings were better than the subtle, beautiful ones available to me deep down in my soul. And this time I was "doing it" to myself as an adult....a terrible, unwitting betrayal.
Until I stopped.
Anyway, inside me is - and always has been - a bouncy, happy, noisy little boy who is ful of joy at life and all the adventures it offers. He wants to have fun and isn't always content to sit quietly and obediently on the sofa. He doesn't accept anyone can put him there because it suits them. He is genuine and good and so very happy to be alive and he wants to have fun with his friends.
I love him. I'm glad he's here.
When I was young I became afraid of going out into the world. I hid myself. I have no reason to hide. I have no reason to adjust myself to suit anyone else's conception of what "good" looks like, however much I might like, respect, admire and love that person. I don't have to drink because my ex loves it. I don't have to party like a loon becuase other people want to and it helps me feel "cool". I don't have to sit quietly in the corner because others don't like my noise. I'm me, and I'm happy, and my HP is running my show just as yours is running yours (if you believe you have one).
Trying to be like everyone else or trying to make everyone else be like me - to ease my anxiety - was one of my things....hence I was a co-dependent alcoholic I guess.....but not anymore....not if I can help it.... one day at a time.
I don't think recovery makes alcoholics all alike or all like each other. That's such a breakthrough for me. I think - for me - it's a journey about finding myself. I don't know what recovery is for you, what ever it is I hope we all find what we're looking for and I'm so very grateful for your help along the way.
Have a terrific day!
Martin
Hey Martin. we are all indeed different and I think we should respect one anothers differences. Different circumstances and different situations require different methods and length of recovery time. The truths you have to deal with may be harder to deal with than mine or vice versa. The same goes for anyone. I think recovery and the methods we use and the length of time it takes for a person to be at a place where there is peace and contentment depends in part on what their truth and situation is and what they have to deal with on a daily basis. Honesty not only requires being honest with ourselves but also being honest about other people and situations in our lives. There is more to my life than" just me" and my feelings. I am not a selfish person nor do I intend to become one by detaching myself from people and situations just so I can find some sort of selfish peace and contentment for myself. My truth is I care,I love,I hate,I hurt.I can be happy one day,sad the next, I can feel afraid one day and feel brave the next,I can feel angry or I can feel mellow but they are my"honest" feelings and through it all I am sober for which I am very grateful. yes we all are different and by being different we can learn from each other. Have a great day Martin!
and...just thinking out loud...as my HP is leading me to....
I wonder if the reason some people struggle with AA is because, like me, they're desperate to hang on to a very fragile sense of self, so "handing over" one's Will and one's life to a set of RULES laid down by other human beings FEELS like abandoning one's true self all over again.....(I know I wouldn't have "got it" for years if my HP hadn't crept up on me by taking me into AA to listen about my ex's problem....I had no defences up and awareness of my problem just seeped into me over months. Even then denial was an issue for ages. I would have fled if someone had tried to lay down the Law and told me to do the Steps.)
Of course, people like me (and we're all different) resist every time someone TELLS us what to do....it triggers bad stuff at an unconscious level and we're just about hanging on to our sense of self as it is....we think we're hanging on to everything we've got left, and to accept that we're powerless is to let the fingertips slide and to fall into an abyss with no control at all what happens.....and that requires a trust in other people that perhaps was breached decades ago, perhaps by people who imposed THEIR will on US in life-threatening ways....and that perhaps we've been breaking ourselves ever since by drinking for decades to numb that original pain......so we rebel, rebel, rebel..... desperate to be true to who/what we believe is ourself....and it takes being broken to bring us round....
When in fact, letting go, letting our ego let go is the way to begin an incredible healing process in which all the vast, unconscious resources we've been shutting out for so long come to our aid....if only we'd let them....
And that's why unconditional love, acceptance and safety is necessary if people like me are going to trust the people in the room and the process they reccomend enough to be able to accept the inevitable, necessary and health-giving challenges.
So, my experience is that if we CAN let go, if we CAN find it in us to trust the people around us and the process of finding out who we really are, we don't fall far....we learn to fly.
Just my experience. Trying to make sense of what happened to me helps me and reminds me that my fear of annhilation still tries to make me knee-jerk into flight or fight whenever I perceive - perceive - anyone trying to dominate me, whether they are or not.
Heva e agreat day
Martin
I wonder if the reason some people struggle with AA is because, like me, they're desperate to hang on to a very fragile sense of self, so "handing over" one's Will and one's life to a set of RULES laid down by other human beings FEELS like abandoning one's true self all over again.....(I know I wouldn't have "got it" for years if my HP hadn't crept up on me by taking me into AA to listen about my ex's problem....I had no defences up and awareness of my problem just seeped into me over months. Even then denial was an issue for ages. I would have fled if someone had tried to lay down the Law and told me to do the Steps.)
Of course, people like me (and we're all different) resist every time someone TELLS us what to do....it triggers bad stuff at an unconscious level and we're just about hanging on to our sense of self as it is....we think we're hanging on to everything we've got left, and to accept that we're powerless is to let the fingertips slide and to fall into an abyss with no control at all what happens.....and that requires a trust in other people that perhaps was breached decades ago, perhaps by people who imposed THEIR will on US in life-threatening ways....and that perhaps we've been breaking ourselves ever since by drinking for decades to numb that original pain......so we rebel, rebel, rebel..... desperate to be true to who/what we believe is ourself....and it takes being broken to bring us round....
When in fact, letting go, letting our ego let go is the way to begin an incredible healing process in which all the vast, unconscious resources we've been shutting out for so long come to our aid....if only we'd let them....
And that's why unconditional love, acceptance and safety is necessary if people like me are going to trust the people in the room and the process they reccomend enough to be able to accept the inevitable, necessary and health-giving challenges.
So, my experience is that if we CAN let go, if we CAN find it in us to trust the people around us and the process of finding out who we really are, we don't fall far....we learn to fly.
Just my experience. Trying to make sense of what happened to me helps me and reminds me that my fear of annhilation still tries to make me knee-jerk into flight or fight whenever I perceive - perceive - anyone trying to dominate me, whether they are or not.
Heva e agreat day
Martin
Hi pirate,
Our posts crossed.
I completely agree. I have to put my recovery first and find myself, but that doesn't mean I should treat others badly. I've never consciously done that. I've never put myself first, but unconsciously I was finding ways to get my needs met and some of those certainly hurt other people as well as myself. That's another reason why I need to get really honest with myself at more than a conscious, superficial level. And do you know what? It's fun. It hurt at first and I expect there's more to come, but right now, right here, it's a blast.
Thank you for being part of it.
Martin
Our posts crossed.
I completely agree. I have to put my recovery first and find myself, but that doesn't mean I should treat others badly. I've never consciously done that. I've never put myself first, but unconsciously I was finding ways to get my needs met and some of those certainly hurt other people as well as myself. That's another reason why I need to get really honest with myself at more than a conscious, superficial level. And do you know what? It's fun. It hurt at first and I expect there's more to come, but right now, right here, it's a blast.
Thank you for being part of it.
Martin
Interesting point Martin. I too never thought I hurt anyone, I liked to believe I was good to all folk. Ha! hasn't that theory just been ripped apart lately through projection work mainly. I am seeing all the ways I have been a **** to people, all the wrongs I have done, all the ways I treated them badly. Isn't it amazing how blind we can be?!
But it is liberating to own that side of me. I don't have to keep perpetuating this one sided illusion of myself. Hurray!
But it is liberating to own that side of me. I don't have to keep perpetuating this one sided illusion of myself. Hurray!
