I made it another week & I must say this ghost town SUCKS! I wish there were more people trying for sobriety with me. Hope all is well with everyone & if you are reading this & wanting to take that step towards quitting I'll be here with ya every step of the way.
aea
yo aea- i'm here:) did you see my last post to you cheering you on... i still am:)! was a difficult holiday weekend but made it thru, hey we both did. wow. hope you had a good weekend. keep posting, i'm here.....xo jojo
Hey JO! Good mornin! I am so proud of you for making it through! I know how hard the holidays can be! It wasnt really hard for me this time. I even found out about a good highschool friends suicide which threw me for a major loop & had me bawling at the Thanksgiving table. BUT I wasnt tempted even alittle bit because thats not how Justin would have wanted me to react. So I sat sober & mourned him properly. No MJ to numb the pain. I honestly do feel alot better for allowing myself to feel it & walk through it. I also overcame another obstacle which usually has me running straight for the pipe.My older brother the one who started molesting me as an 8 yr old girl made a nasty remark to me. He said that he remembers things differently then I do. I said what do you mean? He said well I always thought you were "down". Jo this statement makes me want to puke all over this computer. I was a little 8 yr old girl & he was 12. I went off on him & said well I guess your right cause let me refresh you with my memories. I rememer being tucked into my warm bed & hearing the door creak open. I remember squeezing my eyes shut & praying Dear God WHY ME! I remeber kicking his hands away & him saying you might as well just get it over with cause your going to give in anyway. Yeah cause at some point you become exhausted!! I remeber my grades dropping drastically. I remeberr begging him to leave me alone & threatening all the time to tell my dad. I remember crying myself to sleep after he would creep out of my room. I remember going to visit my grandma when I was 12 & she was dying & having peace in my life without being touched. I came home a different person. I was ready to stand up & fight & thats what I did. I had gotten my period while I was there & I sat both of them down & said NO MORE! I said I started my period & I am a woman now & you wont ever touch me again. I remember him laughing at me & saying yeah right you didnt start. I had to pull out my bloody pad & shove it in his freaking face I remember throwing it at him & screaming & screaming NEVER AGAIN!! I bought a lock for the inside of my door & I started locking myself into my room every night. If I was "down" why would I have gone to such extreme measures to stop you I asked him. The blood drained from his face & he backed off but it still hurts so bad that instead of an apology for the years of torture & abuse he tried to make it all my fault & act as though at 8 yrs old I was a natural w****. I told him No I wasnt a w**** then but you sure made me into one. Then I came home & instead of smoking a fatty I wrote a beautiful heartwrenching song about it. & again I feel stronger. I feel better. He is going to be sorry I ever got sober cause the feelings are so fresh & raw that if he steps to me again there will be hell to pay. Thanks for being there Jo & sorry to anyone if the find this too graphic but its all the truth & thats what matters to me, the cold hard truth.
aea
aea
aea- you have lots to deal with and i know the strength it takes to face it without the weed.
that situation with your brother is awful, aside from your childhood which was traumatic, he is still abusive. ( for some reason i thought he lived away now). i think you need to spare yourself from him at all costs. stay away, you don't need his comments to remind you of the past....and then anger you and feel like you have to justify yourself then or now. omg! what do your parents say about him?
sorry about your friend. sad....
but hey you wrote a song instead of toking and that's great. it's also hard i know but you did it. keep going... you'll be glad for each day you get behind you and then it turns into another week.
are you okay with your brother? i just can't believe your parents and other brothers let that happen.... what did hubbie say or do?
hang in there....xo jo
that situation with your brother is awful, aside from your childhood which was traumatic, he is still abusive. ( for some reason i thought he lived away now). i think you need to spare yourself from him at all costs. stay away, you don't need his comments to remind you of the past....and then anger you and feel like you have to justify yourself then or now. omg! what do your parents say about him?
sorry about your friend. sad....
but hey you wrote a song instead of toking and that's great. it's also hard i know but you did it. keep going... you'll be glad for each day you get behind you and then it turns into another week.
are you okay with your brother? i just can't believe your parents and other brothers let that happen.... what did hubbie say or do?
hang in there....xo jo
AEA
Congratulations on 2 weeks. I knew you could do it when you were ready. Am proud of you. I know its not easy. I am still having occaisional weak moments. But am still trying to stay clean. I know this is probably irrational thought, trying to excuse my use, but five times this year is sure a lot better than the five times a day I smoked for most of my life. Not going to beat my self up over it. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Sorry to hear about your friend. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
love
Cajun
Congratulations on 2 weeks. I knew you could do it when you were ready. Am proud of you. I know its not easy. I am still having occaisional weak moments. But am still trying to stay clean. I know this is probably irrational thought, trying to excuse my use, but five times this year is sure a lot better than the five times a day I smoked for most of my life. Not going to beat my self up over it. All I can do is take it one day at a time. Sorry to hear about your friend. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
love
Cajun
Jo~ Thank you so much Hun for all your support through out the years. I really do appreciate it so much! I don't want to go into further details today just because I dont want to get all worked up this early. I am still sober & enjoying life as much as I can. Cliff's angel date was on Tuesday & I have been painting my bedrooms which has proved very stressful! So just trying to keep my emotions on even keel. Miss you much & again thanks for always being here with me!
Cajun Lady! How wonderful to see you. I am so proud of you for only smoking five times in a year! That is GREAT! I can understand what your going through excpet that when I slip I fall head first into being stoned all day. LOL SO you are doing better then I ever did. I am very proud of my 2 weeks & 4 days but I realize I still have a long way to go before I am truly clean. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers! You are always in mine!
Love to you both,
aea
Cajun Lady! How wonderful to see you. I am so proud of you for only smoking five times in a year! That is GREAT! I can understand what your going through excpet that when I slip I fall head first into being stoned all day. LOL SO you are doing better then I ever did. I am very proud of my 2 weeks & 4 days but I realize I still have a long way to go before I am truly clean. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers! You are always in mine!
Love to you both,
aea
