What Are We Searching For?

All these posts break my heart, aand i joined to get some support!! which I HAVE received! But HEROIN and it's rituals are all part of their lives now! They love us, but beg, steal or borrow for that fix! The warm "cotton candy" glow of feeling safe and secure..then the reality the next day...looking for the next score!My eldest son is just wasting his life away, and nothing I can say or do will change that! NO motivation, NO drive, No self respect, NO conscience, No empathy(It's all about his NEEDS)! He's ALWAYS been a Free Spirit/ Hippy type guy but I don't mind..but free spirits fly on their own! not on the backs of someone else!He missed his addictions meeting today ( his only challenge)..surprise surprise...but I've a few of my own! If he CAN'T or DOESN'T want to maake the extreme effort to get clean ..then what do I do folks?
He's taken my father's surname..bringing that into disreput! WORSE than my tight arsed brother!I just want this pain to stop, get off anti depressants and be the jolly person I THOUGHT I WAS! Aged 60! is that too much to ask? or is this my cross to bear? God, MUST have done something REALLY awful in a previous life! Please respond someone!
Dear Bette,
You know the closer we are to anyone the more painful the hurt.
I have learned that no one seeks help unless that person wants it and nothing you nor I can say to change their mind. You may not want to understand this but recovery from any addiction only happens when that person wants it
you must accept this.
His recovery is not your responsibilty, it's his.
It's painful but all you can do is pray and protect the love around him.
It's not easy at all..but it's done.
Stick to your ideas of hope

MACK

Hi Bette, you made me laugh today (first time in a long time) I'd love to know more about your tight arsed brother! Bette, we both need to learn how to be assertive - we cannot solve our children's problems for them, nobody can, only they can, but we can stop being enablers, so maybe if we can instil into ourseles the concept of tough love we'll be doing something really worthwhile instead of allowing ourselves to be anguished by our unfortunate sons.
"walk quietly through the noise and the haste,you have a right to be here, you are a child of the universe"
Jemima
Bette

I totally know how you feel. It is not a good feeling to be so powerless to help the ones we love, but Mack sure put things in perspective. I am slowly coming to learn that it is not my responsiblity to "cure" my son. That he needs to truly want to get clean, no matter what it takes or how many times he has to try.This completely goes against what we as parents have done all of our lives for our kids, but with this addiction sometimes our "helping" ends up hurting. Its a wierda** way to think but I am starting to get the idea.
I guess we need to keep the love in our hearts and hope in our thoughts, otherwise it would be unbearable.
Love, hope and good thoughts to all of us out there


TE
Dear Bette,
You asked what you can do regarding your son's addiction and at this point it be better for you and he if you did nothing as you have done everything that is humanly possible at this point. Ya gotta show some of that tough love everybody keeps throwing at ya to do and when the going gets tough the tough get going but make sure you lock the door behind you when you do.

Hang in there
MARY
Hi Bette

I completely understand what you are going through at the moment - but you know, at the end of the day he has to realise what his own problems are first before he will ever start the recovery process. We on the otehr side of the fence "the non addicts" can point out the erro of their ways - book appointments - get them telephone numbers - employ a counseller - tell them what they need to do to recover, but at the end of the day unless he makes the first move to do this he will never recover. Its a part of the recovery process, he has to make the first move because he wants to get better. You can hold his hand if he needs it, but at this time unless he does it for himself he will relapse.
My partner is a recovering addict, clean for almost 2 years!!! I met him clean, and had no idea of the impact drugs can have on ones life, the addict and the person who loves that addict, whether recovering or practicing. My partner has not relapsed in 2 years, anmd this is because he has done it because he wanted to. The previous times he relapsed as he gave up for pthers, mum, son, prison etc. This is the only time he has stayed in recovery - and that is not plain sailing eitehr. The emotional baggage left after drugs is unbelievably horrendous, for him and me. The only way he can explain it is saying that drugs blocked out every emotion he had ever had(14 years of it) so he comes off drugs and has to deal with every day emotions a non addict handle ok (ish). There is NO quick fix. He will have his addiction with him the rest of his life and every day will be a bonus. You can get help for yourself too. I do. try Families Anonymous. They hold meetings, very much like NA, but for people like us....the people who love a recovering or practising addict. Its support, and somewhere you can go to ask questions and maybe even get some answers.

All the best, i know its hard xxxx
Hi,
I am sorry to hear your cries. I have been in drugs for more than forty years and still I use everyday, as much as I can. Why? I wish I knew for sure. But the bottom line is I Love the high I get off heroin.
Most of the associates I have came across in my life are either dead, in prison, or living under a bydock bridge some where in a cardboard box. There is no other way. I have done two of the three. I am just waiting for the death that follows after so many years of using drugs.
Your son, I failed to catch his age. You need to come to terms with yourself. I can tell you what I have seen and what I know. I know of a mother who has three kids, all over forty and all living at home. They steal everything she has. They have cleaned out her bank account so many times that she now owes the bank money for an over draft on a written check that was for a purchase that costed a grand. When she gets home everynight she walks in the house to witness adults laying around, hi as a kite, needles all over the place, the house stinks of old trash that no one bothers to empty, and her sterio and TV are missing. Of course nobody knows why.
You see, I am telling you this because you need to make a choice. This true story is a women who refuses to kick the KIDS out. I have seen other parents just call the cops to have the kids removed. But she claims her love for her kids is too strong to allow them to suffer on the streets. To be honest with you I am not sure how to admire this position. I mean the way she maintains her devotion to her kids or do I admire the kids for having a stupid parent that allows this to go on.
If she loved her kids the way I feel I'd tossed their asses out a long time ago. To allow this to go on as she does makes me wonder if she really loves her kids.
I need to tell you this. That once a junkie, always a junkie. Sure, some of us break away from this hell but the majority of us don't. By now your asking why? Well lets turn this around to the person smoking cigaretts. Do you smoke? Why? Or to the alcoholic, do you drink? Why? Perhaps the obese of fat people. The ice cream they love so much. Why do we do these things, I have no idea.
I know this much. All of us have our own lives to live. You, I, and your son. I love drugs but I will not, could not, will not place it on to my family. I do not have the right. My oldest brother is a junkie. Fifty two years old. He lives at home still and robs mom and dad every day. I have gone there three times over the last year and kicked his a**, literly. Only to have mom and dad tell me that I shouldn't do this to him because he doesn't know what he is doing. Bull...
They like the lady I told you about have made there chioce. They have nothing. They go with out, they get all their money stolen from them, they get all their food stolen from them, YES food too. The cost of meat today is worth a bag of dope.
Here is my opinon:
You need to ask him to leave. Tell him not to come back for one year. Don't call, don't come over, just stay away. Let him know as long as he uses that you will not come second place to this. That he has chosen herion over his own mother. And as long as he shots dope then you refuse to come in second place. I know this is hard but he must make a choice for the best. If you want nothing in your life. I mean kiss your TV, sterio, camera's, stashed coins, and even the car to be taken from you then just allow him to stay in that home with you.
And if you do do have him stay there after all this, then refuse to allow any of his friends, girl or men to come in the house. I mean this. Not even in the front door. You stand firm with this.
One last thought. God be with you.