I have been off hydo for 18 days. Mentally, I feel AWSOME!!!!!! Since I am using suboxone, I am still dealing with fatigue and some other side effects. I am glad to be done with the whole pill chase. I stopped getting high long ago and I was just taking massive amounts of pills to feel functional. Even a few hours in the morning without pills would leave me feeling horrible. Like many of you, I needed 20 mg just to get out of bed. Part of recovery for me is studying my habits and changing them.
this studying has caused me to wonder about my identity. I have been altering my mind through the use of substances for about 18 years. (I am in my early thirties.) The problem is not with hydrocodone, as I abused many other substances before I got to the yellow and blue helpers. I call the pills that because I convinced myself that I was better off using them because it "didn't get me as f***ed up as booze and other drugs." Once my first baby was born, pills seemed more likely to allow me to "function." You know....I could drive, not be hungover, and I thought nobody could really tell. I felt confident and energetic. How wrong I was!!! I may not have felt as out of control as I did with booze, but it affected every area of my life. I became one-dementional, concerned only about getting more pills. I did things I am ashamed of. I did not like myself at all. I was numb, then anxious, then depressed. I tried to hide all of this from my family. I was moody because i always felt guilty. I was lousy at work because I was using all day long. I lost my personality. IU have only realized that because I am getting it back.
Here's my problem: I have been using drugs and alcohol for my whole adult life. I don't know how to socialize. I made being f***ed up part of my persona. Sobriety is n ot a phase for me, it is how I am going to live. I find myself wondering today if I am going to be able to be fun. Over the past couple of weekends, I have been able to politely decline drinks and drugs. I have quietly become sober, but there will be a point when I must talk about it with friends and relatives. I am lucky to have not had a bad "rock-bottom." I feel like I caught this thing just in time. Since I was a teenager, I have abused dozens of drugs and have barely avoided MAJOR trouble. On top of that, I have an amazing wife and two beautiful boys. This is enough to make me want to be sober, but I feel like I am getting a new identity. I will never embarrass my wife again, but will I still be a fun guy at parties? It is not just that.....drugging and drinking took up a significant amout of my being. In a way, it partly defined me.
As I wrote in another post, I am seeing a behaviorist. I have always had a problem with faith. I have studied many religions, but never committed to one. I have had close relationships with priests, Christian Brothers, and ministers. When it comes down to it, I am never able to take that leap of faith. (My parents were hippies, one a Jew and the other an agnostic Baptist. They took my brother and me to a Unitarian church, but exposed us to many religions. I was not baptized or confirmed. I did not go to Hebrew school. I have long been a clean slate. I did go on-line and get my minister's licence, however.) Basically, I have my own, very personal views about any higher power. Using a behaviorist is helping me be aware of what is concrete in my mind....an addicted mind!
This was a rambling post, I know, but I am just wondering what I will be like now.
Jer
It is like there is a great unknown out there for me. As a father, I feel great about that. I will really be there for my wife and boys. one of whom has some special needs. There is just a finality to a big part of my life. In some strange way, I am in mourning because I lost a part of me. At times, it is scary to realize how different things are now that drugs and alcohol are not options for me.
I am not communicating my thoughts well.
Jer
I am not communicating my thoughts well.
Jer
Hey Jer,
I know what you are describing....these things were all part of my exsistence for years. Hell I was paid to "entertain" clients, which consisted of lunches that went well into the dinner hour and beyond.
For me...it was the 12 step program. I thought that I would become this great big bore! I was wrong..way wrong...this program teaches you a new way to live and enjoy your life without the aid of mind altering substances. The people that attend are some of the funniest brightest colorful people that I have ever known.
I have many new friends that I have found there. Give it a try...nothing to lose....if you don't connect. Well then you can stop going...its free and it the best!
I am so happy for you!
I know what you are describing....these things were all part of my exsistence for years. Hell I was paid to "entertain" clients, which consisted of lunches that went well into the dinner hour and beyond.
For me...it was the 12 step program. I thought that I would become this great big bore! I was wrong..way wrong...this program teaches you a new way to live and enjoy your life without the aid of mind altering substances. The people that attend are some of the funniest brightest colorful people that I have ever known.
I have many new friends that I have found there. Give it a try...nothing to lose....if you don't connect. Well then you can stop going...its free and it the best!
I am so happy for you!
Hey Jer,
actually, you've hit on one of the things I think is most beneficial about this board. It's often very important for us to practice our social skills because we've spent a long time under the influence.
You'll be okay. You're going to grow both spiritually and emotionally. You'll make blunders, but normies do that too.
I've heard that we stop maturing right at the age we start using. That makes quite a few of us pretty young, lol. We catch up quickly, though.
Keep socializing, you'll be fine.
xxxoooo
actually, you've hit on one of the things I think is most beneficial about this board. It's often very important for us to practice our social skills because we've spent a long time under the influence.
You'll be okay. You're going to grow both spiritually and emotionally. You'll make blunders, but normies do that too.
I've heard that we stop maturing right at the age we start using. That makes quite a few of us pretty young, lol. We catch up quickly, though.
Keep socializing, you'll be fine.
xxxoooo
Hi,
I am looking at lots of different choices spiritually.My Higher power comes in many forms. Some days it's Mary Poppins, some days it's a rubber tree plant.
:-) Most days lately it's the Universe and I like what Buddha does for me, too. For me, that is part of excitement of recovery....discovering who I am and what I believe in....after the abuse of drugs and alcohol. The AA/NA(I've only been to two meetings)system uses the term "One day at a Time." I like it because when I start thinking about the future and "what iffing" it's not healthy for me.
Love and Light,
Diana
I am looking at lots of different choices spiritually.My Higher power comes in many forms. Some days it's Mary Poppins, some days it's a rubber tree plant.
:-) Most days lately it's the Universe and I like what Buddha does for me, too. For me, that is part of excitement of recovery....discovering who I am and what I believe in....after the abuse of drugs and alcohol. The AA/NA(I've only been to two meetings)system uses the term "One day at a Time." I like it because when I start thinking about the future and "what iffing" it's not healthy for me.
Love and Light,
Diana
Jer:
I think everything will slowly evolve for you. When I was new to sobriety, I surrounded myself with people who were supportive. People who had been where I was and my family (which consists of a huge majority of people who had been where I was). I remember driving and singing in the car. I had that moment of clarity where I could not remember singing in the car when I was loaded. I also started to laugh with my friends. The gut level, side splitting, can't catch your breath, kind of laughter. I had not laughed like that while I was using. I certainly never laughed like that with the Connection. I was usually yelling at him for trying to short me. My point is, life evolves when we are not numb and we start to come into our own. We start to smell the roses...
~Rachel
I think everything will slowly evolve for you. When I was new to sobriety, I surrounded myself with people who were supportive. People who had been where I was and my family (which consists of a huge majority of people who had been where I was). I remember driving and singing in the car. I had that moment of clarity where I could not remember singing in the car when I was loaded. I also started to laugh with my friends. The gut level, side splitting, can't catch your breath, kind of laughter. I had not laughed like that while I was using. I certainly never laughed like that with the Connection. I was usually yelling at him for trying to short me. My point is, life evolves when we are not numb and we start to come into our own. We start to smell the roses...
~Rachel
A belly laugh, Rachel! Lol, I'd forgotten my joy at doing that for the first time.
I can't sing with the radio any better than I ever did, but I can remember the words more, lol
xxxooo
oh and Diana, congradulations on your 91 days!!!
I can't sing with the radio any better than I ever did, but I can remember the words more, lol
xxxooo
oh and Diana, congradulations on your 91 days!!!
I distinctly remember the day that I really heard and connected to the music I was listening to. I think it was "Bye Bye American Pie" song....OMG, I actually started crying.
Re-connecting with music was big for me, in my using days...I just stopped by cd's and listening and I was so into music for years....all of that came back.
I get chills just thinking about it!
Re-connecting with music was big for me, in my using days...I just stopped by cd's and listening and I was so into music for years....all of that came back.
I get chills just thinking about it!
| QUOTE |
| I did not like myself at all. I was numb, then anxious, then depressed. I tried to hide all of this from my family. I was moody because i always felt guilty. I was lousy at work because I was using all day long. I lost my personality |
You may not think you're communicating your thoughts well, but you just described exactly how I felt towards the end of my last run.
Be patient. It's only been 18 days -- you're not going to solve a lifetime's worth of issues in under a month. Good for you for seeing a therapist (a behaviorist? DBT?). Baby steps, my friend, and huge rewards for yourself for each step successfully navigated.
With respect to being a fun guy at parties? If you needed to get tanked up to have fun, how much fun were you really having? I used to have to down a percocet just to go to certain social functions, and bring a couple in my evening bag. I figured since I couldn't drink or smoke pot (in public), taking the pills was fair. Now I don't go to those functions anymore. I really don't miss them.
Remember to breathe and stay in the present.
Gina
