What Do I Say?

Families / Partners of Addicts
1
Our 29 year old AS had been homeless for about 5 months but is now staying in a basement room of someone he knew from school. I don't think she know he's a heroin addict, so I'm sure this won't last very long. It's been easier and harder with him having a roof over his head now. I don't have to worry if he's cold and wet but I have to keep telling myself that the situation hasn't changed. Day before yesterday I saw him and he was very emotional and basically said he has no one, his family doesn't want anything to do with him, "why would he get clean just to still have nothing and no one?" Of course, I told him, no one wants to be around a heroin addict and that his life won't start to get better until he is clean. He doesn't understand that no one trusts him, that he disgusts people with his behavior. It's not a pretty mental picture to think of a heroin addict shooting up. I am basically the only person he has contact with at all. His own dad won't contact him but will talk to him if he calls. Part of me feels sad about this and feels like I'm on his side....no one cares. Then, part of me feels like, what does he think can happen living this way? It's not like you can actually spend time with him because it's very very rare for him to even have a conversation since he lives and breathes heroin or how to get heroin. So, I guess my question, if I've got one, is "what should I say to him?" I feel like everyone deserves to feel loved but why should someone else, anyone else, have to tolerate or accept his heroin use? I just needed to vent about this and writing it all down gives me better perspective. Thanks for listening.
Michelle
2
You hit the nail on the head --you love him AND don't tolerate his addiction. That is, I love you AND won't allow myself to be involved with you as an addict. I'm here for when you want a different life.
3
Thanks mommabee. It really helps just to have people to share this stuff with. Today wasn't a good day. He sent a couple of texts that were accusing and blaming. I was probably not nice in my responses but I feel like it gets harder and harder to be nice to him. I feel a lot of resentment towards my son. I've got so much other stuff going on and I can't believe I'm still having to deal with him and his crises and issues. I know the anger is probably partially about being mad at my own self for not being firm in all of my boundaries with him. I just never completely feel like I'm doing the right thing. I do know that part of it is about me, not him. I'm continuing to work on it. Thanks again for listening and responding.
4
Hi Shell, I remember my AD went like your son feeling everyone was against him etc just before she actually gave up and went into detox then rehab. Maybe he is starting to get fed up living the way he is. I hope so. It's hard to get through the day with the worry we have. I am always glad to get to bed at night. I think dads don't show their worry the way us moms do. I hope today is a better day for you Shell. I hope you get some peace of mind that helps you recharge. When my daughter got like your son I would say for her to call me back when she was ready to go into detox. But that was when she was 17 yrs old. Here I am 16 yrs later still singing the same song. I know I have resentment in me too, How can we help it. These posts are such a help. You are too Shell! Bless you. M.
5
Mandm, I agree, being able to have others to share with helps. It's not like we can talk about this stuff to just anyone. Thanks
6
Hi Shell, Just thinking of you and sending you good wishes for a nice day. M.
7
just tell him the truth, that there are people that love him, and that's the reason they're staying away. It's too hard to watch someone you love slowly and willingly destroy themselves.
Maybe someday it will sink in.

You can't change him Shel. That's up to him. You've got to just focus on yourself and keep your mind and body occupied by doing things you enjoy.