We got around to this topic in another post. It is something so important I would like to get as much input as I can . Us older addicts were raised thru some strange times, Some of what we were taught was odd to say the least . My parents only words of advice were "dont do it" that was it . I had to find out why. 35 years later (for meth, weed started a few before) I am finally seeing why, I cant stop!!. I had friends whose parents were more open in terms of discussion and even some allowed a lil experementation , Now we are adults with our own kids ,do we hide the fact we used, do we admit we did but no longer use, or still do? and there are some I am sure that openly use in front of or party with their kids , would like to hear how it has worked out , the good and the nightmare stories . I am turning 50 in a few , I am still fighting this thing and I am reaching out to anywhere there might be answers . the people that have never used only think they know as they tell us to just say no. BS we are the ones with the answers, we are the only ones who have lived it (the dead arent saying much) although scientists would argue that , thank you all, good luck
justonemore,
If you don't mind my asking, what is a day in the life of (your name) like? Since you are almost 50 have there been any spans of being clean? Have you ever experienced being clean for a long amount of time?
If you don't mind my asking, what is a day in the life of (your name) like? Since you are almost 50 have there been any spans of being clean? Have you ever experienced being clean for a long amount of time?
To be honest , as long as I can keep a supply of good clean P, it would surprise most how normal .which is part of what has me so intrigued as to how this drug affects us all. I joke about it being my morning cup of coffee, but coffee gives me heartburn and makes me nauseus.plus caffeine doesnt do it for me , in my opinion if anyone could make a case for it being ok , it would be me . I am not that blind tho . when I run out , I crash hard , very hard. It has not always been this bad , that is one message I can preach , cause I know too well,the longer one uses , the more difficult it is to quit (although the motivation to quit would change that )IT becomes so much a part of ones life it can seem impossible to go on without it. when I attempt quitting , there is at least a week to two that I am totally unable to do a thing(I can but it takes a lot of effort)I feel like I am having anxiety attacks, panic attacks , my whole body aches. that tells me doing it is wrong.Then the other is I see it having it's toll on my heart and circulation . the slowest I have ever seen my heart beat in I dont know how long is around 95 bpm, I start doing things physically and it feels like it is going to come out of my chestthe lowest my bp has been is like 150 96 . if I dont whip this I doubt I will be around much longer is how I do, and have to look at my problem.I have seen so many people do way way less than me and poof!, they became entirely different people (the changes being for the worse)why it does different things to people is something that has always caught my interest. I have always looked and found the good in every bad thing in my life . so I made the decision to start talking, asking others , looking for the way to make it all right as best I can .I have quit for only a month or two at a time ooo, I dont know, it is less than 5 times, but I did quit for 6 months, (I forgot , just flashed on it) once, I went to work overseas, I grabbed it as a sort of self induced clean up period , and that time it was easy. I did have so many new and exciting things goin on it was impossible for the adrenelin to not flow ,....am gettin real tired , tryin to think is like having head in trash can with someone beatinon it , will be back , thanks all,
I hope you got some rest.
When I first got clean I remember just wanting to die. I wasn't able to do anything except sleep and eat. After a month of doing that I could still feel my body not wanting to do anything but lay still. It took everything I had to get my a** up and help take care of my daughter. The feeling and thought of not having any sh** to wake me up or help me get through the day was awful. During that time I still had not seen my two boys who I loved so damn much. It was hurting more than not having drugs. It hurt bad. So.............I knew I had to go somewhere that would teach me structure. I went into a program and learned so much. Not just NA teachings but oh my goodness...........I learned that I had to get up in the morning because there were things to do, I learned that talking about my feelings helped because I wasn't the only one going through it. I learned that I could cook, clean, wake up, have a normal conversation with others, be mad, be sad, smoke cigarettes and not relate it to anything else, I learned that I could love and have feelings. This I learned about myself. I liked it. Even after I quit using I gained a few pounds and I learned I was still good looking :-))) and someone wanted to talk to me seriously without just wanting to have sex for drugs. It was me that person liked. I guess that I really wanted it and I liked the feeling of not having to figure out where I was going to get my next sack or what I was going to have to sell to get it or see awful fu****g people to get it. That life was horrifying. The people were cruel and heartless. I was just tired of it. I saw a light at the other end and liked it. I just really wanted it.
To you I say: Don't give up on yourself. Being 50 or 14 years of age doesn't matter. You are older however you are still you and it is never too late to try for you. It seems as though you are searching for answers and seems that you are looking for a miracle. You are the miracle. You are the one who has to dig inside yourself and find that something to fill your void. Drugs aren't doing it any more are they? If you are still clean right now just try harder to get through the part of being lazy and feeling low. This too shall pass. It will. Give it all you got! If you fall, pick yourself up and wipe the dirt off and try, try again. Remember you are GOLD!
When I first got clean I remember just wanting to die. I wasn't able to do anything except sleep and eat. After a month of doing that I could still feel my body not wanting to do anything but lay still. It took everything I had to get my a** up and help take care of my daughter. The feeling and thought of not having any sh** to wake me up or help me get through the day was awful. During that time I still had not seen my two boys who I loved so damn much. It was hurting more than not having drugs. It hurt bad. So.............I knew I had to go somewhere that would teach me structure. I went into a program and learned so much. Not just NA teachings but oh my goodness...........I learned that I had to get up in the morning because there were things to do, I learned that talking about my feelings helped because I wasn't the only one going through it. I learned that I could cook, clean, wake up, have a normal conversation with others, be mad, be sad, smoke cigarettes and not relate it to anything else, I learned that I could love and have feelings. This I learned about myself. I liked it. Even after I quit using I gained a few pounds and I learned I was still good looking :-))) and someone wanted to talk to me seriously without just wanting to have sex for drugs. It was me that person liked. I guess that I really wanted it and I liked the feeling of not having to figure out where I was going to get my next sack or what I was going to have to sell to get it or see awful fu****g people to get it. That life was horrifying. The people were cruel and heartless. I was just tired of it. I saw a light at the other end and liked it. I just really wanted it.
To you I say: Don't give up on yourself. Being 50 or 14 years of age doesn't matter. You are older however you are still you and it is never too late to try for you. It seems as though you are searching for answers and seems that you are looking for a miracle. You are the miracle. You are the one who has to dig inside yourself and find that something to fill your void. Drugs aren't doing it any more are they? If you are still clean right now just try harder to get through the part of being lazy and feeling low. This too shall pass. It will. Give it all you got! If you fall, pick yourself up and wipe the dirt off and try, try again. Remember you are GOLD!
Thanks Cathy for reply, On the contrary,I am well aware there are no "quick fixes" or miracles. you have to work hard at it , I know this battle will never be over , this is one that I will fight till I die . I do believe I have got my answer for my battle , but I ask questions here, and talk here , for others to try to understand and learn if they are a non user.and for those who are to see it in front of them , those who might not ask or say anything , it's here for them to read.With any luck I will be leaving where I am at now (which is no place for someone trying to quit meth) central california, to go 2500 miles away from my sources.I met a wonderful woman online, we talked for 8-9 months before I had to go meet her and find out if she was real , ended up movin in , went without any for two and a half months , in fact when I came back , I still had a couple grams with my stuff in storage. I gave it away instead of doing it . then my ex started in with her crap, daughter had let things go at place we were renting , I had so much to do , was stressing ....well here I am back at the frontlines. I know I can do it back there , there is no drama, there is no pressure , only a warm loving , very comfortable home and life . I am feeling very positive that if I can make it 3-4 months , I will have it beat as well as it is ever gonna be beaten . That is part of why I am doin this here also , I want to keep coming here so I never forget what quitting took, and then to help others so I can at least feel that I did something important in my life , not just get high .it hurts me that my daughter and ex are so self absorbed , (mainly daughter) that my leaving is ruining their lives. my daughter is 19 is working and not going to school ,she doesnt pay anything here buther food, I am hoping my ex, her mother, will move in and they split the bills, but rather than be responsible they are blaming me , I think I am forced into a corner where my only option is to go , trust and have faith they will work out their problem , I know I have to go , or the depression, cravings and use, and inability to afford the proper asthma meds here, I wont be around much longer anyhow
