What Do We Do First

My son's best friend called this evening to tell me that he and several other of my son's friends are worried about my son Luke. He is using heroin. Luke lives about 2 hours away from us so we were unaware of his problem. They think this has been going on for 4 or 5 months.

I have not confronted my son yet, because I feel we have to have some kind of action plan in place first, but I don't know where to begin. Do we get an interventionist? Do we start contacting drug re-hab centers? Do we drive down to the city and just "make" him come home with us right now and stay with us while we figure this out? Is 4 or 5 months long enough for him to be completely addicted?

We're scared to death for him, but since he is not a child (he's 33 and single) it will be difficult to make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Apparently he was introduced to the drug by his girlfriend. His friends tell me that they have spoken to him about his drug use and his attitude is "Don't worry - I've got it under control". But at this point he still thinks his drug use is somewhat a secret, - at least from us. What he is about to find out is that not only do we know, but so does his sister and brother-in-law who are driving in from Ohio to be here when we confront him as well as his dad and step-mother.

What do we say to him? How can we "scare him to death"? How willing were any of you who are struggling with this addiction to listen to your friends and family? What words got through to you?pharper@citlink.net



You first have to remember that he has to want to quit. There is nothing that you can say or do to make him quit. Ask him if he is ready for treatment. Tell him you will support him during his recovery but, only his recovery. There are lots of options for getting off heroin and sometimes you really have to research all the rehabs before they go. I know that the one rehab my husband was in they were able to get heroin there. Good luck. There are a lot of people on this site that can answer a lot of your questions.
Lily: Thanks for responding. Since we have just this evening learned of our son' problem we are still in kind of a numb state. We've always been able to "fix" Luke's problems ( which were always small- unpaid traffic tix., a little short on the rent money, etc.) But this is like having "an elephant in the living room". We can't fix this for him and it's breaking my heart.

Reading the posts on this board are hard. Even the success stories tell me that there is lots of back-sliding and the struggle goes on forever. Folks who've been drug-free for 5 years or more can easily slip back into use. There are no 100% sure cures.

I feel as if I'm experiencing a death. That's sounds dramatic, but I'm so scared of what lies ahead for all of us. I haven't called my son yet because once I open that door and tell him that I know what he's doing, there will be no going back and I want to have some kind of plan in place.

I've loved this boy for 33 years and I just can't accept the fact that I could lose him to this awful scourge.

Pat,
You cannot just have a plan in place for your son. As Lily said your son needs to want to quit before you can do anything. You can look into options, but you son has to agree to the plan before it can be carried out. You still have to get him to admit he is using heroin. I am also not to sure about the plan to confront him with the whole family, it sounds like a recipe for a major bust-up
I do know your pain. My husband started using when his 24 year old brother died. We thought he would always die from an overdose but he died because of things that he had to do to get the drug. The police beat him and made it look like a hanging. It was only a year ago and since that my life has been turned upside down. I always say I would do anything for my husband to want to play golf everyday like he used to. I used to get so mad at him for playing all the time. Now I would take that over drugs anyday. I feel like we have been through a war. He was sober for 4 years before his brother died. My husband has a dream life. A great job 2 small children, house, new cars. It does not matter anyone can become an addict. I just feel so bad for you that your ight is just beginning. I just hope that it is a short fight and your soon does not let this horrible drug get the best of him. I wish you luck and I will pray for you that your family will get through this and your son will have a fast recovery. I also want you to know I personally feel the longer they are in rehab the quicker they will come out and use. The rehad that worked best for my husband was only a seven day program with intensive outpatient. His brother was in rehab for 6 months got out and used 3 days later. I know his brother wanted a better life but, he just could not fight the demons. Good luck
Pat,
I think the whole family going down there might be a bad idea. It could make him more defensive than he already will be. Is there one person that he's really close with? Maybe this would be less "threatening" for him. He really does have to want to quit though. There's a good chance he won't even admit to using. But I remember when I first found out my bf was hooked bad and he had wanted to get help but was scared to because then everyone would know he was an addict. He said he was actually relieved when I found out because he was tired of trying to hide it. So maybe this will be his way out. I feel for you and know you must be going through a lot of pain right now. Unfortunately, your son has to want help. Be there to help him if he's ready to quit but don't support his addiction if he's not ready. Good luck.
To all who answered my post, thank you. It's reassuring to know that even though you're all going through your own pain, you can still make time to feel for someone else's.

We did confront my son as a family (his father, his sister and I). He didn't get angry, so it wasn't adversarial. He just denied it.

I left him with a phone number for a help line, a list of NA meetings in his area and a bunch of literature on the facts of heroin addiction, the health and legal consequences, etc.

At this point I can do little more than call him every few days just so he knows that we're here for him and hope that he will face this problem for what it is -- life threatening and that we will help him get well, but we won't help him to continue denying and using.