These are lessons I have learned from my own direct experience, being in love with an addict, through much pain and suffering... not necessarily in this order.
Believe only what you see in physical action with physical results. Then, believe nothing you hear, and still only half of what you see. Be stingy with trust. It is gold and it is earned through long term actions only.
If you care, you are the addicts codependent.
If you get manipulated, and the addict uses you to enable their addiction, you are responsible for allowing yourself to be manipulated. You are choosing to be an enabler.
If you are there with the addict, and the behaviors do not change, accept that you are enabling and not helping, and walk away.
If someone wants to die, does not want to live, you can post pone death long enough to give the person an opportunity to change their mind, but you cannot stop them forever. A person must find their own reason to live.
Accept, as a loved one of an addict, that you are powerless to save the addict from themselves. All you can do is love them, from a safe distance, you can't save them.
Addiction is defined as a chronic, relapsing brain disease that is characterized by compulsive drug seeking and use, despite harmful consequences. It is considered a brain disease because drugs change the brainthey change its structure and how it works. These brain changes can be long-lasting, and can lead to the harmful behaviors seen in people who abuse drugs. ---- Chronic relapsing despite harmful effects is the key.
Pleasure users tend to like uppers. Escape users tend to like downers.
Uppers intinsify life and brain function. Downers turn users into the walking dead. That is what it is, suicide on an installment plan. There is a reason why pleasure users quite easier than escape users. Pleasure users do not have a complex heavy reason for use. The benefits of quitting outweigh the consequences of using. For the escape user, quitting has worse consequences than using, because the use is a benefit to them in their eyes. It kills their brain for a short while, without having to follow all the way through with suicide. The wheel is still turning, so there's no commitment, and the hamster is dead for a while, but comes back. No commitment like suicide requires. No fear of the unknown of death.... however, if death comes by accident, the fear is numbed by the drug. It's a win-win. Choosing sobriety... life, on the other hand, means processing and feeling the pain that the drug numbs so effectively.
That's why I said, the addict has to find their reason to live, for them, alone, nothing and no one else.
Their is always a root pain. Usually from childhood. That is where the core beliefs come from that tell the addict they are not worthy. They have no value. The self-hate and self-loathing. Childhoods have to be relived, revisited, so the addict can uncover what core beliefs cause the pain that the drugs take away.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
What you don't say owns you. What you hide controls you.
What is more dangerous? A thought or a gun? A gun gives the opportunity, but a thought pulls the trigger.... and drugs affect thoughts.
Oh also, don't put energy into talking to them when they are high. Try to stay calm and control your emotions, because they feed off of whatever you put out. Try to stay calm and distract them. Change their channel. Manipulate them into relaxing or staying somewhere safe. Don't feel bad about lying to them yourself. You can turn their manipulative game around on them just as easy when they are high. They are easily fooled. Use it to protect them while high, or get them into a detox. I lied to my fianc for a whole weekend, stalled and kept him chasing shadows in safe places until his Marchman Act went through. Then I told him he was going to a Suboxine clinic. It got him there without law enforcement intervening to tackle and take him. He holds no ill feelings and I don't feel bad one but for lying to manipulate drugged person into cooperating.
You cannot have any real conversation worth while until their head is detoxed and clean. When they are high, you are wasting your breath, exhausting yourself.
One great way to change their channel in a mid personal attack on you is to address inevitable insecurities behind attacks.... say, "Why are you not worth _______?" or "Why do you feel that way?" "Why would I do _____ to you?" "Why why why...."
I've watched it turn into an emotional meltdown over core shame and self-hate, more times than I can count. It changes their channel from the anger and is easier to handle.
You cannot have any real conversation worth while until their head is detoxed and clean. When they are high, you are wasting your breath, exhausting yourself.
One great way to change their channel in a mid personal attack on you is to address inevitable insecurities behind attacks.... say, "Why are you not worth _______?" or "Why do you feel that way?" "Why would I do _____ to you?" "Why why why...."
I've watched it turn into an emotional meltdown over core shame and self-hate, more times than I can count. It changes their channel from the anger and is easier to handle.
Sad but true. For many, it takes years to finally see the light. The insanity of addiction is like a roller coaster. If nothing changes, hang on for the ride.
I've found that it all revolves around core pain and shame. The root of anger is pain, or a sense of wrong-doing. The root of running away, pushing love away, escaping to drugs, etc. is fear. But fear of what? Fear of pain. The drama.... addicts tend to create chaos on the outside with loved ones, to distract them from the chaos in their own mind. They will desperately search for evidence, to prove their core beliefs of shame and lack of value to themselves, to give them a reason to justify their unfounded feelings, push people away, and escape to drug use. When they get angry and start creating problems out of thin air, see past that. They are creating chaos to find "permission slips" to give themselves, for running away and using. They are looking for evidence, to prove to themselves that no one loves them and they are a piece of s***. In reality the addict does not love themselves. No matter how much love you pour out to them, it does not change the fact that their own cup is empty. There are reasons that they do not. Someone must crack them and find out why.... why do they not feel worthy of life? Choosing a zombie state is not life. It is being the walking dead. Why do they not feel worthy of life? Of love? Of success? Of self-worth? They will lie and lie, and hide it and run away. There is some sort of painful experience hidden down in there somewhere though.... that they reacted to, by adopting these core beliefs.
Approaching my loved one using these ideas... these approaches, helped me so much. His counselors and the Marchman Act also helped me a lot.
Approaching my loved one using these ideas... these approaches, helped me so much. His counselors and the Marchman Act also helped me a lot.
Thank you for taking the time to write all of this. It has solidified some of my thoughts.
Very powerful and rings true. Thank you for this. So much food for thought. I am fairly new to this and there is so much to be said for the voice of experience.
I would agree that there is an underlying issue that must be dealt with, our daughter was a "downer" user from Heroin to Xanax: She needed to escape. All of this began with an abusive relationship in college and began to spiral out of control but here is what I have learned!
We have had the most success using a multi level approach for our daughter.
First, the addict has to ask for and want to work for the help
Next, a chemical intervention to help with the cravings, our daughter is on Vivitrol
After that, a psychiatrist to diagnose any underlying issues but make sure the psychiatrist works with addicts because we found one that doesn't and needed to switch, she was very confused and frustrated by my daughter because we think she misdiagnosed her.
Next, we lined up a psychologist whom she meets with on a weekly basis to help her talk through her personal stuff she doesn't want to share with us
From there she attends weekly group therapy meetings with other sober women guided by a psychologist
She also attends an occasional AA group but prefers a group called Celebrate Recovery at a local church
She also has meaningful employment that keeps her busy both bodily and mentally
Finally, she works out regularly to help get her body healthy.
This process has taken place over the course of 7months after she had left rehab and her sober living environment. She has had 3 relapses since leaving which lasted around 3-8 days before she came to us asking for help each time.
My philosophy is always that whatever she did in the past something needs to change for the future or else she will always continue to stay in this cycle of insanity.
As I have said before, each person's journey is unique but this is a path that seems to be working currently for our daughter. Of course you noticed I said "currently" because God knows this can change in a heartbeat. This recovery journey is difficult but try to stay the course if you can as long as you are not enabling but loving them the best way you can.
I think one of the main issues we have is that many of the addicts do not have health insurance to help pay for these services or if they do the insurance doesn't cover the costs. This is truly a disease and needs to be fought as if it were a disease, just hoping the addict has the strength to fight it alone is not enough, the issues within each addict are very deep and need outside help!
We have had the most success using a multi level approach for our daughter.
First, the addict has to ask for and want to work for the help
Next, a chemical intervention to help with the cravings, our daughter is on Vivitrol
After that, a psychiatrist to diagnose any underlying issues but make sure the psychiatrist works with addicts because we found one that doesn't and needed to switch, she was very confused and frustrated by my daughter because we think she misdiagnosed her.
Next, we lined up a psychologist whom she meets with on a weekly basis to help her talk through her personal stuff she doesn't want to share with us
From there she attends weekly group therapy meetings with other sober women guided by a psychologist
She also attends an occasional AA group but prefers a group called Celebrate Recovery at a local church
She also has meaningful employment that keeps her busy both bodily and mentally
Finally, she works out regularly to help get her body healthy.
This process has taken place over the course of 7months after she had left rehab and her sober living environment. She has had 3 relapses since leaving which lasted around 3-8 days before she came to us asking for help each time.
My philosophy is always that whatever she did in the past something needs to change for the future or else she will always continue to stay in this cycle of insanity.
As I have said before, each person's journey is unique but this is a path that seems to be working currently for our daughter. Of course you noticed I said "currently" because God knows this can change in a heartbeat. This recovery journey is difficult but try to stay the course if you can as long as you are not enabling but loving them the best way you can.
I think one of the main issues we have is that many of the addicts do not have health insurance to help pay for these services or if they do the insurance doesn't cover the costs. This is truly a disease and needs to be fought as if it were a disease, just hoping the addict has the strength to fight it alone is not enough, the issues within each addict are very deep and need outside help!
