I have come to some important realizations over the holiday. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. Writing it out helps me to organize my thoughts, though.
First let me say that I haven't been able to find whatever it is I need within myself to be able to fight this addiction. And I know that without that inner strength and determination, I will never be able to do it. A little background information might be necessary here...since some of you don't know me. I am in a marriage that is so toxic and unhealthy...lots of emotional abuse, control issues, etc. There are some good times...but not many anymore. But, still, I stick around. Why? I don't know. I guess I have false illusions that things can be good again. If I am honest with myself, I don't think I will ever be happy here again.
Anyways, on Christmas Eve day, we go to my Mom's and celebrate Christmas with her and my sisters. I get along pretty good with my family. I don't experience the stress that so many others do at family gatherings and I feel very grateful for that. I had a very nice time. I enjoyed everyone's company. And the most important thing that I realized, I was in a home where I felt nothing but unconditional love. And I felt important...and wanted...and needed...and accepted. I felt like God intended me to be born into this family...that I was right where I was supposed to be. Any one of those people I shared the day with would give me the shirt off their backs.
It was a wonderful feeling. So wonderful, in fact, that I didn't once think about throwing any pills down my throat and washing them down with a few drinks. I didn't need to. It was only after I left there and was back in my own home that I felt the need to just zone out and be numb. Don't get me wrong...I love being home with my boys...just spending time with them...knowing they are just a room away if I want to be with them. But I don't feel comfortable in my own home. I don't feel the love and acceptance. I don't feel like I can be myself. I feel I am always being judged...like I am always being watched by an authority figure...like a child who is so scared to say or do anything or to even feel "wrong" because one little thing can set the stage for a very unpleasant few days.
In a way, I am glad I was able to see the contrast in these two different environments. But it also made me so sad. The one person who is supposed to be my friend, my confidant, my partner in life........my soft place to fall. He makes me feel like I am not good enough, stupid, worthless...just a regular old f***-up. That is SO not right. And, honestly, I can't think of a reason that someone can treat another human being that way. I don't know why he acts like that. I don't know what I have done to deserve it. Obviously, my birth family doesn't feel like I am all of those terrible things.
It's been this way for so long. I didn't see it happening because it was a gradual thing. And now that I realize it, I start to feel like it is too late. I feel so beaten down. I feel lower than dirt. I feel tired...so tired of waking up every day just to go through the motions...just trying to keep my sanity. When you spend enough time around someone with such a negative aura about them, it changes you...it changes your soul...kills your soul...and your spirit. By that time, you don't feel like you have any strength or courage left to make the necessary changes.
I know this post isn't really about recovery in general. But it has to do with everything about my recovery....or I should say my lack of recovery . I'm sorry I got long-winded. I'm not even asking for advice because I know the answer. And I've been told the answer many, many, many times. I just needed to let some of these feelings out. And I am grateful that I have a place like this where I can do just that. So thank you for listening.
And I hope you all had a Merry Christmas.
Jodi
For me inner strength had nothing to do with it. The only thing I was strong enough for was finding ways to get more pills. I had to find a power outside myself and beg that power for the willingness to get clean. I chose God to be that power but if you have trouble with the concept of God, find another power that is stronger than you. Maybe the rooms of AA/NA? I don't know. Everyone has to find their own way and I hope you find it soon. When we continue to abuse pills we wind up in jails, institutions, or dead. I would hate to see that happen to you.
love ya
Kat
For me inner strength had nothing to do with it. The only thing I was strong enough for was finding ways to get more pills. I had to find a power outside myself and beg that power for the willingness to get clean. I chose God to be that power but if you have trouble with the concept of God, find another power that is stronger than you. Maybe the rooms of AA/NA? I don't know. Everyone has to find their own way and I hope you find it soon. When we continue to abuse pills we wind up in jails, institutions, or dead. I would hate to see that happen to you.
love ya
Kat
Jodi - your post touched me. I hope someday you do find what you need to finally reach recovery. I think its similar to Dorothy's red shoes. We all have the power in us, we just dont know it. As for the feelings of unworthiness at home, that is not a way to live. I imagine you have been told countless to times to leave and obviously that is not easy to do. Perhaps though, by telling him all that you said here, if he truly loves you and wants you to be happy (noone denies happiness to those they truly love) he will surprise you and work with you. Can you stay with your mom? Is that at all possible? Sounds like you need a very BIG move in your actions and that may be one of them. The pills are not your only toxins. I dont think there is a person who turns to pills for comfort if they dont need that comfort. We have all needed it. You really are the one with the power to decide your future. I hope you make it a happy one. It can be.
Nice post...
Belinda
Belinda
jodi,
please dont take this wrong, i am speaking from experience, i was completely in your shoes same exact story. it hurt and it hurt bad to have a spouse like that, but it wasnt until i got clean clean that i realised, it wasnt my spouse angry, upset dissapointed and hating me. he was feeling all those things because of what i was doing (the drugs) yes we ended up divorcing and i am now clean. we have children 2 together. he sees me now clean and a strong independant woman. he now has great respect for me and has nothing bad to say about me, now he even compliments me and tells me how proud he is. for me my ex was just frustrated and wanted so bad for me to be healthy and stop doing things to harm me and neglect our children and my responsabilities. plus he could never take me anywhere. i was not who he married. now that i am i clean and looking back at it all, i can not blame him. if the roles were reverse. i know i would have done the same. just something to think about. i wish you all the best. you have it in you to make the changes. we all do. you are no different. your time will come when you are ready. my prayers are with you.
terrianne
please dont take this wrong, i am speaking from experience, i was completely in your shoes same exact story. it hurt and it hurt bad to have a spouse like that, but it wasnt until i got clean clean that i realised, it wasnt my spouse angry, upset dissapointed and hating me. he was feeling all those things because of what i was doing (the drugs) yes we ended up divorcing and i am now clean. we have children 2 together. he sees me now clean and a strong independant woman. he now has great respect for me and has nothing bad to say about me, now he even compliments me and tells me how proud he is. for me my ex was just frustrated and wanted so bad for me to be healthy and stop doing things to harm me and neglect our children and my responsabilities. plus he could never take me anywhere. i was not who he married. now that i am i clean and looking back at it all, i can not blame him. if the roles were reverse. i know i would have done the same. just something to think about. i wish you all the best. you have it in you to make the changes. we all do. you are no different. your time will come when you are ready. my prayers are with you.
terrianne
Dear Jodi,
Your post has everything to do with your recovery, your in a surrounding and an enviroment that is like a war zone- high tension, walking on eggshells...which is paramount in the stress that causes you to want to "numb" and take the pills.
Its almost like the soldiers that went to Vietnaam....the surroundings and situation there was so unreal, so terrifying that so many soldiers turned to drugs, to "tune out" In fact the U.S. goverment implemented a plan and spent millions of dollars to put a plan in place to deal with tall the soldiers that would return home addicted to drugs- heroin, acid, pot etc....
Yet, when the majority of soldiers got home, because they were no longer in such a stressful enviroment, they were able to stop using drugs on their own- there is many studies done on enviroment- drug addiction, and the Vietnam war is a perfect example, that is often refered to in the case studies...
Jodi..you state:
" The one person who is supposed to be my friend, my confidant, my partner in life........my soft place to fall. He makes me feel like I am not good enough, stupid, worthless...just a regular old f***-up. That is SO not right. And, honestly, I can't think of a reason that someone can treat another human being that way. I don't know why he acts like that. I don't know what I have done to deserve it. "
You really have nothing to do with his acting this way. if it wasnt you, it would be what ever other poor woman was with him...he could be with pamela Anderson, and would still act the same way..it has nothing to do with you or how you look act, or the thing you do.
You have to stop asking yourself WHY HE ACTS THIS WAY...Who cares why? Let him worry about why...the fact is he does, and you do not deserve it, nor does your children deserve to live in such misery and witness their beloved Mother being treated so poorly.
Stop worrying about him honey...worry about YOU. Worry about your sons...are they going to grow up and do the same things theysee their father doing to you- to THEIR wives??? Will they grow up to think that treating a woman like that is OKAY? Will they grow up to hate their Father, and RESENT you for not taking a stand, for not being a good example of a STRONG woman and leaving their abusive father????.
Those are the things you need to think of sweetie, not WHY your husband acts like he does...by your own admission, you will have much less desire to do your pills when you are in a safe place, when you are loved unconditionaly and living in a home where you are not constantly walking around on egg shells.
Just like with any addiction....you have to hit your bottom with him...when will that bottom come? After another battle? A black eye? After what? What could he possibly do to rectify things? Even if he was capable of change..if he had years of intensive therapy and could even MAKE a few changes...there has been so much damage done...so much baggage in your marriage....could you ever TRULY forgive him; even if he COULD change? I dont know how you could..even if you wanted to...
Atlas had a great suggestion, and im sure its crossed your mind..your family is so loving and supportive honey....why not confide in your family, tell them you need help....you need to get away from him.....
If it helps you to actually do it...tell yourself it will be a "trial seperation" tell him and yourself that you need time on your own to 'think" about things....you need the time and distance from him, sweetie, just to get your self esteem back up to a level where you can make a good descision...its not surprising you feel you cant leave right now....hes got your self esteem so low, that you dont trust your own instincts any more....
Time away from him will allow you to clear your head....step BACK and out of the marriage...just for 2 weeks..just for 3 weeks....long enough so that you can come "out of the ether" and SEE the marriage for what it is...
Its not too late Jodi....its almost NEVER too late.....its only too late once you leave that house in a body bag....and your boys have no mother, and no father because he will be in jail.....then its too late...or once you finally snap and kill him....then your boys will also be without mother and father.
i can GUARANTEE you honey that your boys would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one......
Do whatever you have to do, tell yourself whatever will work, but get yourself away from him for a pre-determined amount of time....look how you felt just spending a DAY away from him...can you imagine how differently you will feel and think from being away from the craziness for a couple of weeks?
I would speka to your parents, and get their support...then geta restraining order against him...tell him that you want a "TRIAL separation" or that you need to spend a couple of weeks alone, with your boys to "think your marriage over"
This will keep him calm, but allow yourself the distance you need, and you'll have the restraining order there should and if you need it...
You have more control then you realize Jodi, and once you get out of "the warzone' then and only then,. will you be capable of dealing with your pill addiction...its not too late Jodi...you can tell your boys, that you know that up till NOW you have put up with being disrespected, and that was wrong, but its going to stop.
You are finally going to stop being his door mat, and your going to show them and yourself that you and all women are worthy of love and respect.
Im here for you at any time. You can and will do this, you just dont realize it yet...lolol...I believe in you...I know you can do this..
Big strong supportive hugs,
Ali
Your post has everything to do with your recovery, your in a surrounding and an enviroment that is like a war zone- high tension, walking on eggshells...which is paramount in the stress that causes you to want to "numb" and take the pills.
Its almost like the soldiers that went to Vietnaam....the surroundings and situation there was so unreal, so terrifying that so many soldiers turned to drugs, to "tune out" In fact the U.S. goverment implemented a plan and spent millions of dollars to put a plan in place to deal with tall the soldiers that would return home addicted to drugs- heroin, acid, pot etc....
Yet, when the majority of soldiers got home, because they were no longer in such a stressful enviroment, they were able to stop using drugs on their own- there is many studies done on enviroment- drug addiction, and the Vietnam war is a perfect example, that is often refered to in the case studies...
Jodi..you state:
" The one person who is supposed to be my friend, my confidant, my partner in life........my soft place to fall. He makes me feel like I am not good enough, stupid, worthless...just a regular old f***-up. That is SO not right. And, honestly, I can't think of a reason that someone can treat another human being that way. I don't know why he acts like that. I don't know what I have done to deserve it. "
You really have nothing to do with his acting this way. if it wasnt you, it would be what ever other poor woman was with him...he could be with pamela Anderson, and would still act the same way..it has nothing to do with you or how you look act, or the thing you do.
You have to stop asking yourself WHY HE ACTS THIS WAY...Who cares why? Let him worry about why...the fact is he does, and you do not deserve it, nor does your children deserve to live in such misery and witness their beloved Mother being treated so poorly.
Stop worrying about him honey...worry about YOU. Worry about your sons...are they going to grow up and do the same things theysee their father doing to you- to THEIR wives??? Will they grow up to think that treating a woman like that is OKAY? Will they grow up to hate their Father, and RESENT you for not taking a stand, for not being a good example of a STRONG woman and leaving their abusive father????.
Those are the things you need to think of sweetie, not WHY your husband acts like he does...by your own admission, you will have much less desire to do your pills when you are in a safe place, when you are loved unconditionaly and living in a home where you are not constantly walking around on egg shells.
Just like with any addiction....you have to hit your bottom with him...when will that bottom come? After another battle? A black eye? After what? What could he possibly do to rectify things? Even if he was capable of change..if he had years of intensive therapy and could even MAKE a few changes...there has been so much damage done...so much baggage in your marriage....could you ever TRULY forgive him; even if he COULD change? I dont know how you could..even if you wanted to...
Atlas had a great suggestion, and im sure its crossed your mind..your family is so loving and supportive honey....why not confide in your family, tell them you need help....you need to get away from him.....
If it helps you to actually do it...tell yourself it will be a "trial seperation" tell him and yourself that you need time on your own to 'think" about things....you need the time and distance from him, sweetie, just to get your self esteem back up to a level where you can make a good descision...its not surprising you feel you cant leave right now....hes got your self esteem so low, that you dont trust your own instincts any more....
Time away from him will allow you to clear your head....step BACK and out of the marriage...just for 2 weeks..just for 3 weeks....long enough so that you can come "out of the ether" and SEE the marriage for what it is...
Its not too late Jodi....its almost NEVER too late.....its only too late once you leave that house in a body bag....and your boys have no mother, and no father because he will be in jail.....then its too late...or once you finally snap and kill him....then your boys will also be without mother and father.
i can GUARANTEE you honey that your boys would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one......
Do whatever you have to do, tell yourself whatever will work, but get yourself away from him for a pre-determined amount of time....look how you felt just spending a DAY away from him...can you imagine how differently you will feel and think from being away from the craziness for a couple of weeks?
I would speka to your parents, and get their support...then geta restraining order against him...tell him that you want a "TRIAL separation" or that you need to spend a couple of weeks alone, with your boys to "think your marriage over"
This will keep him calm, but allow yourself the distance you need, and you'll have the restraining order there should and if you need it...
You have more control then you realize Jodi, and once you get out of "the warzone' then and only then,. will you be capable of dealing with your pill addiction...its not too late Jodi...you can tell your boys, that you know that up till NOW you have put up with being disrespected, and that was wrong, but its going to stop.
You are finally going to stop being his door mat, and your going to show them and yourself that you and all women are worthy of love and respect.
Im here for you at any time. You can and will do this, you just dont realize it yet...lolol...I believe in you...I know you can do this..
Big strong supportive hugs,
Ali
Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies. I'm sorry I have not responded but I did read everything that was written to me. I've been working alot and just getting over bronchitis so I've been very tired.
Like I said earlier, I am so grateful to have a place like this where I can be around friends. It's better than the chaos that is going on in my home right now. I appreciate each and every one of you.
I'll write more later. Thanks, again.
Like I said earlier, I am so grateful to have a place like this where I can be around friends. It's better than the chaos that is going on in my home right now. I appreciate each and every one of you.
I'll write more later. Thanks, again.
jodi,
while i am soo sorry for your situation and I have read every one of your posts...I have been in your shoes at least to some degree and have been a doormat for 2 husbands.... the problem I have with this latest post is simple you had and have the luxury of having a loving family to be with and grow up in ... your boys dont.. they live in the same hell and tension filled home you are in.... that isnt fair to them.. it is one thing to make our own beds and lay in them.. I didnt that for years... but it is quite another to do it and force our kids to occupy it with us.... my mom did it to me and I refused to do it to my daughter....
as 12 stepper said.. it isnt so much about inner strength... you just have to make up your mind to want better for yourself and your children and then let the rest be turned over to the power outside of ourselves.... but if you sit around and constantly feed the defeatest attitude ... 'i cant'... i dont deserve'... blah blah .. you wont ever... and your raising the next generation of men and they will treat women just like you are being treated or worse they will learn to numb out like you do....
time to make some real hard decisions.... I know you can do this.. if you have the courage to put up with this crap you do you have what it takes to make a stand for what is right and good and move forward... I believe in you and you have to believe in yourself....
I will pray for your situation...
Teresa
while i am soo sorry for your situation and I have read every one of your posts...I have been in your shoes at least to some degree and have been a doormat for 2 husbands.... the problem I have with this latest post is simple you had and have the luxury of having a loving family to be with and grow up in ... your boys dont.. they live in the same hell and tension filled home you are in.... that isnt fair to them.. it is one thing to make our own beds and lay in them.. I didnt that for years... but it is quite another to do it and force our kids to occupy it with us.... my mom did it to me and I refused to do it to my daughter....
as 12 stepper said.. it isnt so much about inner strength... you just have to make up your mind to want better for yourself and your children and then let the rest be turned over to the power outside of ourselves.... but if you sit around and constantly feed the defeatest attitude ... 'i cant'... i dont deserve'... blah blah .. you wont ever... and your raising the next generation of men and they will treat women just like you are being treated or worse they will learn to numb out like you do....
time to make some real hard decisions.... I know you can do this.. if you have the courage to put up with this crap you do you have what it takes to make a stand for what is right and good and move forward... I believe in you and you have to believe in yourself....
I will pray for your situation...
Teresa
