What If You Started The Cycle

can you imagine that your own mother introduced you to cocaine usage?????
this is the most disgusting thing that i have ever done. i don't know what on earth i coiuld have been thinking about. it was the lifestyle that i selected and i ommitted the fact that my child my baby boy would become addicted. it happened to him and as a result of my poor choices he went through 15 years being addicted. can you imagine i had "no clue" he was addicted until about 7 years ago. i never used crack bu t thought it was "cute" to toot cocaine. i would "supply" the white powdery substance." i made certain negatiuve influences were in my children's lives (men with questioanble character.)
whenever as adults my children would fail to make it in society, i would make excuses and "pay" to make things better, my kids as a result have been to jail for drug related issues and live with me at will. they are very disrespectfull and when life throws the a curve, it's always my fault. i have apologized to them, validated the truth and openly admitted my guilt. my husband (we were married in 89, knows everything about me and my questionable past and has made sacrifices to bail them out and has supported them although they are "highly disrespectfull to him as well. the one that lives with us is born in 1971.

my son has disclosed the fact that i was the reason he knew anything about drugs in an open forum. he tells even my grandson that it's my fault.

it has been over a year since he has used. i praise god for that. but he is very angry and sensitive since he has "woke up."

i try not to become angry with him when he's disrespectfull. how can i require respect when had he not seen me use drugs, maybe just maybe his life would have been different?

is there anyone else out there that is a monster too?

I was not a monster in the fact that I introduced my son to drugs, but like you I led the life that had a negative effect on his life. Because of my drug use, my son lived with a mother that was not there emotionally, mentally or physically. He lived in less than desirable conditions many times because of my obsession to use. He sometimes went without things that he needed, despite the fact that I was a registered nurse and made good money. He was very angry with me for many years, to the point of hate and rage. I made a concious effort to show him that I had become a different mother. The first thing I did was sit him down and tell him this......"My drug use had nothing to do with you, or how I feel about my children, I love you so much however, I was very sick. As much as I want to, I can not change the past, however I cannot live another minute with the guilt I feel for what I put you through, the life I gave you that you didn't ask for, the pain I feel when I look at how angry and hurt you are...I am asking for you to try to forgive and give me the chance to show you the type of mother that I really wanted to be...Please try to forgive me and I am willing to do whatever it takes to show you how much I value you ,and how much I care." I then spent the next two years concentrating on no one but my children. The oldest one was 22 at the time. My friends tried to tell me that I was wrong and that I needed to get a life and let my child deal with this on his own, I didn't feel that way. I owed him to make him a good and sound man, I had created an angry child who grew up to be an angry and dangerous man. I owed my son, and his future, and society to right the wrong I had created. I dedicated the next three years to my children, I put them first above all else, I worked hard on changing my life to help them through there anger....I now have after 3 and some years of angry, rage and pain have an awesome relationship with my children, who have inturn totally turned thier lives around and are productive, kind, happy adults. We as addicts owe this to them, we made the wrong...part of recovery is making our wrongs into rights....