My husband's family knows zero about addiction. I have talked to a couple of them and told them about my Dad's relapse. All they do is ask why. Why would he do that? Why did he drink all day? Why did he get so drunk? Why this and why that.... I can't seem to find an appropriate answer.
I say that his head is not in the right place and that he's stressed and not following his recovery program. Then they say "Why does he still go to AA after all this time?"
How can I explain it? The shortest possible way and still have at least 1% sink in and make sense? Nothing I have said is getting through.
Any suggestions?
It's a disease. One that you have forever. Although you may be in recovery and are doing well you must still treat your disease. Such as AA, therapists, or whatever your recovery plan is.
Shelly
Shelly
Weve had family members and friends fall off the wagon after many years of sobriety. Everyone always wonders "why?" Well the short answer is its an illness and like many illnesses it can re-emerge if proper care isnt given. Like the asthmatic who gets comfortable re-exposing himself to allergens. Or the patient with high cholesterol who has it down to a healthy number only to start eating the foods he should not. We start to think we know more than the professionals. That we have the problem "under control". We slip once and all is well. So we slip again..........and there we are. I think what happenes with the older addict also is that they begin to fear their own mortality. Their friends start to pass on and they want their own last hurrahs. They think they are older and wiser and can handle it better now. The slogan "one day at a time" must never be forgotten. If you really feel the need to answer those who ask why, perhaps you can simply say "he has a disease that he stopped treating".
Atlas.........
bear with them..........
i to thought my husband was weird.
i wondered why he had to go to a meeting all the time..........
i even came right out and asked him if there was a girl there and i went on an on..i was so sick of hearing..........."i got to make a meetin"
whf are all these meetings.............
only to hurt my husband and make a fool out of myself........
he immedialtly grabbed my coat and said lets go.......
i would love so much for everyone to see how beautiful, smart, well spoken my wife is............i want you to see for yourself..........
O.......i thought..........and i did not go.........i hung my coat back up.
my husband knew right there that i would have to learn about AA, and what it was all about...........
when he got back, he gave me the NA book, i began to read it....
every so often and then i found this site and thats when it all came together...
i finally understood why the fellowship of AA is treasured............
if i never would of came here and learned about AA/NA.......
i would still be having those thoughts in the back of my mind......
now i ask him if he is going to a meeting.......i remind him what day it is, so he will get up and go............
maybe you could mail them a package to educate them.........
HUGS
thumper
bear with them..........
i to thought my husband was weird.
i wondered why he had to go to a meeting all the time..........
i even came right out and asked him if there was a girl there and i went on an on..i was so sick of hearing..........."i got to make a meetin"
whf are all these meetings.............
only to hurt my husband and make a fool out of myself........
he immedialtly grabbed my coat and said lets go.......
i would love so much for everyone to see how beautiful, smart, well spoken my wife is............i want you to see for yourself..........
O.......i thought..........and i did not go.........i hung my coat back up.
my husband knew right there that i would have to learn about AA, and what it was all about...........
when he got back, he gave me the NA book, i began to read it....
every so often and then i found this site and thats when it all came together...
i finally understood why the fellowship of AA is treasured............
if i never would of came here and learned about AA/NA.......
i would still be having those thoughts in the back of my mind......
now i ask him if he is going to a meeting.......i remind him what day it is, so he will get up and go............
maybe you could mail them a package to educate them.........
HUGS
thumper
That was very cool Thumper.
He is an extremely lucky guy to have found such a treasure as you.
Atlas,
Even in the program,many ask Why? when a fellow member relapses.Especially when they have double digit sobriety.Even knowing that it is a disease that is in remission,it still is a shock when we see some people go back out.This is why it is stressed over and over again to not put so much importance on the amount of days you've been dry.
We are all one pill and one shot of whiskey away from a drunk.
Each day we are given a spiritual reprieve when we wake up.Don't ever think if you stop taking care of yourself spiritually and emotionally you won't be as vulnerable as someone who just started.
What happens is that many get a few years under their belt and their ego takes over.Maybe they have many coming to them to sponsor them.They are very erudite at the meetings when they share.People are always seeking their advise.The outside looks real good but inside things have gone awry.They have quit talking to their sponsor or no longer feel the need to work the steps.All these outside affirmations have made them cocky!They may even entertain the notion that they may be cured....it keeps spiraling.
They have lost all humility.
I'm not suggesting that this is what happened to your dad but it does happen in the program.I've seen it first hand.
AA has been around since the 30's.It's a very good program but it's by no means perfect.There are no leaders and it's up to each individual to work their own program.Not everyone that goes works a program of recovery.Many assume that AA should cure people of alcoholism.Not so.
Your dad will be accepted back into the fold with open arms.He made an error and during this next phase he will have an opportunity to see how he can do things differently.My personal views on relapse are that they can be very positive things if we learn a lesson.It doesn't have to be a mistake.The only mistake is to not try again.
You also don't really owe any explanations to anyone over something that happened to your dad.
Have A Great Day Atlas
He is an extremely lucky guy to have found such a treasure as you.
Atlas,
Even in the program,many ask Why? when a fellow member relapses.Especially when they have double digit sobriety.Even knowing that it is a disease that is in remission,it still is a shock when we see some people go back out.This is why it is stressed over and over again to not put so much importance on the amount of days you've been dry.
We are all one pill and one shot of whiskey away from a drunk.
Each day we are given a spiritual reprieve when we wake up.Don't ever think if you stop taking care of yourself spiritually and emotionally you won't be as vulnerable as someone who just started.
What happens is that many get a few years under their belt and their ego takes over.Maybe they have many coming to them to sponsor them.They are very erudite at the meetings when they share.People are always seeking their advise.The outside looks real good but inside things have gone awry.They have quit talking to their sponsor or no longer feel the need to work the steps.All these outside affirmations have made them cocky!They may even entertain the notion that they may be cured....it keeps spiraling.
They have lost all humility.
I'm not suggesting that this is what happened to your dad but it does happen in the program.I've seen it first hand.
AA has been around since the 30's.It's a very good program but it's by no means perfect.There are no leaders and it's up to each individual to work their own program.Not everyone that goes works a program of recovery.Many assume that AA should cure people of alcoholism.Not so.
Your dad will be accepted back into the fold with open arms.He made an error and during this next phase he will have an opportunity to see how he can do things differently.My personal views on relapse are that they can be very positive things if we learn a lesson.It doesn't have to be a mistake.The only mistake is to not try again.
You also don't really owe any explanations to anyone over something that happened to your dad.
Have A Great Day Atlas
Atlas,
There are so many good replies here. Why not copy and forward them to his parents? It seems so odd to me that people don't know about addiction in this day and age. Really, there's no excuse for living in ignorance....particularly with the coming of computers where all questions are just a keyboard away.
If they understand about diabetics needing insulin, why shouldn't they understand about body chemicals? Best of luck, honey from Cybermom....and ((((hugs))))) and prayers.
There are so many good replies here. Why not copy and forward them to his parents? It seems so odd to me that people don't know about addiction in this day and age. Really, there's no excuse for living in ignorance....particularly with the coming of computers where all questions are just a keyboard away.
If they understand about diabetics needing insulin, why shouldn't they understand about body chemicals? Best of luck, honey from Cybermom....and ((((hugs))))) and prayers.
Atlas:
Hey! Hope you are feeling stronger today! I am thinking of you!
I am questioning this myself...my thread is sort of centered on the same thing.
The best I can come up with is that there must have been a lapse in the "action" part of the recovery program...and that lets the tools slip, and the addict brain takes over.
Back to the sweeping thing....(sorry, lol) but if we don't sweep, the dust builds up...eventually you cannot see the beautiful grain of the wood. It is the beauty of the wood that pleases us so. Therefore, daily, we must sweep to get to what is
beneath and beautiful. (hahahaha....I just love the idea of sweeping, thanks for indulging me)
You don't really owe them an explanation. As friends, they should just see you are in pain, and need to be heard. I swear, sometimes, people can be so insensitive.
Peace.
Sarah
Hey! Hope you are feeling stronger today! I am thinking of you!
I am questioning this myself...my thread is sort of centered on the same thing.
The best I can come up with is that there must have been a lapse in the "action" part of the recovery program...and that lets the tools slip, and the addict brain takes over.
Back to the sweeping thing....(sorry, lol) but if we don't sweep, the dust builds up...eventually you cannot see the beautiful grain of the wood. It is the beauty of the wood that pleases us so. Therefore, daily, we must sweep to get to what is
beneath and beautiful. (hahahaha....I just love the idea of sweeping, thanks for indulging me)
You don't really owe them an explanation. As friends, they should just see you are in pain, and need to be heard. I swear, sometimes, people can be so insensitive.
Peace.
Sarah
You all make it sound so simple, and in some ways it is. I know I don't owe anyone an explanation, but since the topic has come up it would be a good time to try and generate at least an ounce of understanding.
Nobody, my husband included, has even considered how this has affected me. They certainly do not understand how this is a life and death situation. I suppose I should just consider my audience, give a simple explanation and move on. It's not my fault if people do not understand.
Nobody, my husband included, has even considered how this has affected me. They certainly do not understand how this is a life and death situation. I suppose I should just consider my audience, give a simple explanation and move on. It's not my fault if people do not understand.
What's a simple explination?
He has a disease. The disease of alcoholism. He can no more control it than someone with cancer. All he can do is get treatment.
It's not his fault.
And it's not yours either Atlas.
xxoo
He has a disease. The disease of alcoholism. He can no more control it than someone with cancer. All he can do is get treatment.
It's not his fault.
And it's not yours either Atlas.
xxoo
Atlas states-I suppose I should just consider my audience, give a simple explanation and move on. It's not my fault if people do not understand.
I quit trying to explain it to earthings many moons ago.They don't get it and the more verbose you get,the more you confuse them.
It is what it is.
Like Lisa just stated,it's not his fault nor is it yours.Although it's not his fault,he is still responsible for his treatment.Some alcoholics use that to their continued using.
OMG....I wish I could have taken a picture of Surfside this morning.Blue-green water,sunny skies,beautifuly formed waves coming in and you could see the dolphins swimming in the waves...they were translucent green and you could see the dolphins outline.Wow
I quit trying to explain it to earthings many moons ago.They don't get it and the more verbose you get,the more you confuse them.
It is what it is.
Like Lisa just stated,it's not his fault nor is it yours.Although it's not his fault,he is still responsible for his treatment.Some alcoholics use that to their continued using.
OMG....I wish I could have taken a picture of Surfside this morning.Blue-green water,sunny skies,beautifuly formed waves coming in and you could see the dolphins swimming in the waves...they were translucent green and you could see the dolphins outline.Wow
You are so lucky Tim...to see such beauty.
We're headed for Cabo on the 15th as long as the dr clears me to fly...I cannot wait for that blue, blue ocean, the whales and the sun. Please God, let there be HOT sun.
We're headed for Cabo on the 15th as long as the dr clears me to fly...I cannot wait for that blue, blue ocean, the whales and the sun. Please God, let there be HOT sun.
It's Mexico.There will be.I've never been to Cabo San Lucas but it's the hot place right now.It's on the tip of Baja and they have the most beautiful water in that area.
Take lots of pictures Lisa.You deserve this.
I am very happy for you.
Take lots of pictures Lisa.You deserve this.
I am very happy for you.
Why thank you sir....I kinda think my husband deserves it more. This whole thing has taken 10 years off the poor guys life.
This will be our 14th trip to Cabo and maybe our last. It's not like it used to be...too much about the almighty american dollar now. I loved it when it was just a little fishing village. We aren't staying right in town so that helps my attitude about it. And truthfully? Who cares, as long as it's warm and I can wiggle my toes in the sand.
Sorry to hi-jack your thread Atlas....
This will be our 14th trip to Cabo and maybe our last. It's not like it used to be...too much about the almighty american dollar now. I loved it when it was just a little fishing village. We aren't staying right in town so that helps my attitude about it. And truthfully? Who cares, as long as it's warm and I can wiggle my toes in the sand.
Sorry to hi-jack your thread Atlas....
Atlas,
The only way to handle questions like that is by keeping it simple:
Q "Why did your Dad start drinking again?"
A Only my Dad would really know why but i would assume that pressures, especially now during the Holidays, mounted and mounted, and became too much for him....
Q Why does he still go to meetings after all this time?
A. He continues to go because he wants to. I would imagine after all this time he feels a sense of belonging there, and its a place where he can go to both give and receive the support he needs to stay sober..
People that really know your dad well should know things like this anyway..the others are just asking out of curiosity..who cares WHAT they think anyway..
Your doing great sweetheart..
hugs
Ali
The only way to handle questions like that is by keeping it simple:
Q "Why did your Dad start drinking again?"
A Only my Dad would really know why but i would assume that pressures, especially now during the Holidays, mounted and mounted, and became too much for him....
Q Why does he still go to meetings after all this time?
A. He continues to go because he wants to. I would imagine after all this time he feels a sense of belonging there, and its a place where he can go to both give and receive the support he needs to stay sober..
People that really know your dad well should know things like this anyway..the others are just asking out of curiosity..who cares WHAT they think anyway..
Your doing great sweetheart..
hugs
Ali
