I have been with a meth user for 1.5 years. He's been in and out of jail, I usually bail him out. He is soooooooooo different sober than high. I like the sober man, not the high child. He was 3yrs sober when we got together. I fell in love with him and him with me. He slipped and now can't stop. He "tries" but the longest so far has been 45 days and 18 of it was in jail. He says he wants help and does pretty good on his own, he wants to try hypno-therapy where they re-train your brain to explore different avenues so you don't just keep going back. Other user friends of his say to give up, that he's always going to slip. That it's a lifestyle. I now discovered I am a "codependant" which is also a lifestyle, and am enabling him to use by paying for everything, giving him rides, bailing him out. They say he needs to hit "his" rock bottom. I am now trying to "detach" from this and just focus on what I can control (money, dope in my home, not bailing him out, etc) How do you know when someone really wants to quit? Should I walk away? If I had met him using I would've NEVER dated him. It is sooo hard because I see and know both sides of him. I have gotten to the point where I don't want ANY flashlights in my home or tin-foil, and needles make me cringe. Any one out there have any good advice for me not knowing me or him personally? Do I really leave him stranded? I just want to stop worrying that if I am not by his side he will use again. That's not healthy but it is who I am right now (working on it).
He says that by not working and being alone all day while I am he gets bored and uses or feels less manly and gets high. Are these just excuses to use and use me while he can? I don't have enogh money to put him in in-patient rehab, but do have enough for hypno-therapy. Any thoughts???
Or you could just find a way for him to lose touch with everyone he knows who use or sell it. Maybe talk to them or something.
Hi Confuzed,
He is not a child. And yes, you are totally enabling him to use. Do you want more for yourself? Do you want to be dragged down with him? Do you want to be using yourself? You need to get on with your life. I mean you can steer him in the right direction (which I believe he know's already) and you can even go out of your way because you care for him however it sounds like he is just using you for whatever he can get from you. Has he done anything for you? Has he contributed to you or your household? Are there children involved? If not, that is best. Have you grown in any way since you've been with him? Have you done things for yourself? Please, wake up! There are many places you can call and find some great resources but is he willing to get help? Since he has been clean before he know's what it is like to be clean and he knows the consequences of using. You should give an ultimatum (did I spell that right?). If you really want to help him ask him what he wants for his life? Does he want to be happy? If so, give him some numbers. Call for resources. They have very good rehab centers. If he really wants help, he should go and listen to other recovering addicts. I know how hard it is when you love someone. Easier said than done right? I don't know if I would be doing what I'm telling you to do cause I'm not in your shoes however sometimes the best advice is from someone who is outside looking in. Read the postings here. You will find help and comfort. I didn't mean to sound so negative but you need to think about yourself as much as you think of him and what he is doing. I hope to hear from you soon.
SadMom/Out of Options
Cathy
He is not a child. And yes, you are totally enabling him to use. Do you want more for yourself? Do you want to be dragged down with him? Do you want to be using yourself? You need to get on with your life. I mean you can steer him in the right direction (which I believe he know's already) and you can even go out of your way because you care for him however it sounds like he is just using you for whatever he can get from you. Has he done anything for you? Has he contributed to you or your household? Are there children involved? If not, that is best. Have you grown in any way since you've been with him? Have you done things for yourself? Please, wake up! There are many places you can call and find some great resources but is he willing to get help? Since he has been clean before he know's what it is like to be clean and he knows the consequences of using. You should give an ultimatum (did I spell that right?). If you really want to help him ask him what he wants for his life? Does he want to be happy? If so, give him some numbers. Call for resources. They have very good rehab centers. If he really wants help, he should go and listen to other recovering addicts. I know how hard it is when you love someone. Easier said than done right? I don't know if I would be doing what I'm telling you to do cause I'm not in your shoes however sometimes the best advice is from someone who is outside looking in. Read the postings here. You will find help and comfort. I didn't mean to sound so negative but you need to think about yourself as much as you think of him and what he is doing. I hope to hear from you soon.
SadMom/Out of Options
Cathy
Dear Confuzed,
I know what you are going through. You can listen to all the adivce you want but it won't make your choices any easier. Because there is no easy choice. I'm in the same situation you are except I have been there for about 5 years. Nothing ever changes. He trys to get off but it never lasts. I finally made my meth user leave. He is not back in jail for it. I worry all the time if I do this or if I do that or if I don't do this he will use. The bottom line is he is going to find a way to use no matter what you do. So make your decision based on what is best for you not for him. If you want different results YOU have to do something differnt. We think we are helping our addict but we really are enabling them. I'm worrying about where my ex will live when he gets out of jail, no job no money. I'm having guility feelings because if only I let him come back one more time........
There are no black and white answers and no matter what you decide it will be hard. I'm not going to tell you, you should leave or stay you have to do what you think is best for YOU.
Sometimes the harder thing to do for an addict is to do nothing at all.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.
Wolfdog
I know what you are going through. You can listen to all the adivce you want but it won't make your choices any easier. Because there is no easy choice. I'm in the same situation you are except I have been there for about 5 years. Nothing ever changes. He trys to get off but it never lasts. I finally made my meth user leave. He is not back in jail for it. I worry all the time if I do this or if I do that or if I don't do this he will use. The bottom line is he is going to find a way to use no matter what you do. So make your decision based on what is best for you not for him. If you want different results YOU have to do something differnt. We think we are helping our addict but we really are enabling them. I'm worrying about where my ex will live when he gets out of jail, no job no money. I'm having guility feelings because if only I let him come back one more time........
There are no black and white answers and no matter what you decide it will be hard. I'm not going to tell you, you should leave or stay you have to do what you think is best for YOU.
Sometimes the harder thing to do for an addict is to do nothing at all.
My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.
Wolfdog
