I would like to get some feedback from more experienced people on what to do next.
So I am going to give you some background. Sorry for a long story.
My son, 24, started using drugs when he was 15. I did not find out about it until he was almost 17 (there were symptoms, but I was in denial, my son would never do such a thing! How wrong I was). My wife and I (never been exposed to this type of situations and not being educated about drug abuse) tried variety of approached, love, discipline, etc. Nothing worked.
He was mainly using marijuana, although he told us later that he had done LSD few times and other drugs. He continued using drugs after going to college. He was kicked out of very good university because of failing grades and he moved back home.
Our life was hell. We talked to many professionals and get him to consoling/psychologist/therapist. But they were not working and he continued using drug. He always have this in his mind that there is nothing wrong with using drug. As he puts it; you guys crazy, nothing wrong with using marijuana.
One problem we have had, my wife and I never were in agreement on how to deal with this issue. My wife wanted to make him quiet by doing everything for him and love him to death. My approach was to be tougher on him. This created constant struggle in our family.
This continued for 7 months until, my wife finally agreed and under advice of others, we used our leverage and asked him to either leave the house or go to a rehab. First he said I am not going to rehab and left the house for few days and eventually came back and agreed to go to rehab.
At 19, he went to a very good program and after that went to a sober living for 6 months. I think he was using drug while in sober living.
After he came back he was good for few weeks and then he started using drugs again.
Again we tried consoling/psychologist/therapist for a few months and when that did not work we told him either he has to leave the house or go to another rehab center. He eventually agreed to go to rehab.
After only 3 weeks, they kicked him out of the program since he was not trying to get any better and told us since he does not want to be there, he is not ready for program.
We told him he cannot come home. He walked for 40 miles and went to his old college and lived in the school library for weeks with no money.
He eventually called us, met with us and said; we are crazy to put him thru this, but he is willing to stop drugs, as long as no more rehab, consoling, therapist, or any other person involved. We agreed and he came home.
For the next three years, he was good. He went to another college. Got all As, and worked during the summer. Since we were worried about him going back to drug, we would control how much money he always had with him. Basically we would deposit his money in an account that he did not have access to and give him allowance money.
Last summer, he was home alone by himself for a week with money and he started using again. He told us later that he never wanted to quit. He just stop using it for a while so he can go to school, get a good education, get a good job and then start using it.
Things got worse when he was rejected for a position he was working hard to get. They did a background check on him and because of his rehab and drug use was rejected. He was blaming us for all that being in his record because we forced him in going to rehab.
Things were getting worse every day. He would constantly shout, cuss, and use bad language talking to us, and more with me, blaming me for lot of things that happened.
We tried to work it out as much as was possible. He had 9 more credits to get his degree by this May. He was just sitting home and doing little study and using drug. No help around the house. To get him out of the house we told him he needs to find a job. When he said I cannot find any, we help him get a part-time job.
One day shouting and cussing got really bad. Few days before, he was in a car accident due to slippery road, and he was blaming us for it, saying you are forcing me to go to work and if you would have not done that I would have not have the accident. My wife left the house for a week.
In meanwhile, I was trying to keep things calm. Cooking, Cleaning, and going to work. One morning, we got into an argument with him, and he attacked me. He punched me on the face and head badly in front of my other son. My other son was about to call the police when he eventually stop. Looking back I regret not calling the police on him.
I talked it with my wife, and since he only had few more months to finish school we decided not to do anything and just talk to him. He loves his mom dearly. My wife decided to move back in living with him and I moved out for a while, again because my wife and I are never in agreement on how to deal with this issue and we fight over it constantly.
He quit his job and said, I just want to concentrate on school. Of course, there were fighting between him and my wife every few days.
Last Monday, we decided to go to lunch together as a family. In the car he started the fighting and cussing again. We stop the car, and asked him to get out of the car. After some kicking and shouting, and while I was dialing 911, he got out of the car. We left him in a shopping center.
We came home, I changed the locks and security system pass code.
He came home with a taxi few hours later and said this is crazy. We said you are not allowed to come back to this house. We had a rule that if you use drug, you are not allowed to live with us and you have been doing it for last few months.
We put him in a motel for few nights and told him to get a room in the college dorm and we pay for that and you find a job and pay for other expense. He got himself a room in the dorm. Came got his stuff and left 2 nights ago. He said it is not easy to find a job and he wants all his money that we are holding ($2000).
We have not heard from him since.
Now I come back to my original question: What should I do now?
I want to make sure he is ok, but I also want to let him live his life and make his own mistakes. I am constantly worried, but I do not want to show it. He is 24 years old and so far we have been holding his hands. My wife has been the weak link. She has already called him and send him text. No responses from him yet.
Question; how should I deal with it from now on? Should I just text him and ask him if he is ok? Or should I wait until he reaches us/me? I don't know what to do and don't have anyone to talk to.
Hi Concernedparent-your concern is understandable -but you need to realise your son is an adult, he DOES NOT want to quit taking drugs-thats his choice-much as you want to you cannot force him to quit-sending him to rehab wont work, unless he wants to quit-NO ONE can force an addict to quit-he may stay clean for a while if it is in his interest to do so-but it wont last unless he wants to quit- addicts, of which i am one, we lie,cheat,steal and manipulate everyone to get what we want-drugs-the drugs come before everyone and everything-this is not personal or unique to your family, it's how it works-drugs come first-
you need to cut your son lose, make him realise he is responsible for his actions-he must deal with the consequences-at the moment you are enabling his drug use-you are paying for everything and letting him back every time he needs money or the home comforts-
you need to walk away-explain to him-if he contacts you-that things have changed-he is on his own with his life choices-if he wants back into your lives you make the rules=you will be there for him if and when he decides to get clean-not when he tells you he is going to get clean, but when he shows you he is making a genuine effort to get clean- then you need to set strict boundaries and stick to them-harsh but thats your choice- help him to get clean -or keep helping him to get high-everytime you give him money you may as well go and buy the dope for him-
sorry, this sounds so harsh-but addiction is a life and death issue for those of us who deal with it on a daily basis- i wish you all the best and hope your son finds recovery-
you need to cut your son lose, make him realise he is responsible for his actions-he must deal with the consequences-at the moment you are enabling his drug use-you are paying for everything and letting him back every time he needs money or the home comforts-
you need to walk away-explain to him-if he contacts you-that things have changed-he is on his own with his life choices-if he wants back into your lives you make the rules=you will be there for him if and when he decides to get clean-not when he tells you he is going to get clean, but when he shows you he is making a genuine effort to get clean- then you need to set strict boundaries and stick to them-harsh but thats your choice- help him to get clean -or keep helping him to get high-everytime you give him money you may as well go and buy the dope for him-
sorry, this sounds so harsh-but addiction is a life and death issue for those of us who deal with it on a daily basis- i wish you all the best and hope your son finds recovery-
I'm confused as to what drugs your son is doing. Marijuana? For some, like myself, my girl has a tendency to keep me sane, but at such a young age, this is def a "gateway drug". Your wife and you should be on the same page. Coddling is not the answer. Black sheeping is not either. There has to be a common ground.. You two first, your son second. Addiction can and will ruin homes, as I'm sure you are coming to realize...
Narcotics Anonymous & AA will help your son if/when he decides he has had enough.
Nar-Anon & Al-Anon will help you & wife if you want it.
All the best.
Bob R
Nar-Anon & Al-Anon will help you & wife if you want it.
All the best.
Bob R
Thank you the Travelin man for your great advice.
As a parent, it is hard to just let go. In my opinion, a person using drug, is like a drunk person. His mind is not clear and cannot think right. His decision making is impaired.
You dont want to enable them, but at the same time you cannot stand seeing them drift away too far into this where they may end up in the street, homeless. That has been our fears.
We want him to see the consequences of his addiction, but at the same time we want to make sure he is going to make it.
Should I try to reach him from time to time to make sure he is ok? or just stand back and let him fall and see the consequence of his addiction?
Where do you draw the line?
As a parent, it is hard to just let go. In my opinion, a person using drug, is like a drunk person. His mind is not clear and cannot think right. His decision making is impaired.
You dont want to enable them, but at the same time you cannot stand seeing them drift away too far into this where they may end up in the street, homeless. That has been our fears.
We want him to see the consequences of his addiction, but at the same time we want to make sure he is going to make it.
Should I try to reach him from time to time to make sure he is ok? or just stand back and let him fall and see the consequence of his addiction?
Where do you draw the line?
Dear Parent, It is so devastating to witness your child fall into the downward grip of addicition. I totally understand I have been there....I am sure by now you realize all your efforts have been in vain...He is not going to get better until he chooses to get better by admitting he is an addict he has a problem and he is the one who must put the effort and work into his recovery...Everything else is in vain...You cannot allow your son who cannot take care of himself run the show...He will destroy the foundation of the home...as you indicated your wife and you were living separately. ...You need to look to nature ,when a baby bird is ill the mother bird pushes the ill bird out of the nest to preserve the well being of the others...You have no choice you have made your son aware you do not want him using drugs..you have cuddled him loved him did everything for him put him in college bought him hotel stays...You have tolerated him getting physically abusive to you....ENOUGH!STOP IT.You are not only feeding into his addiction and enabling you are empowering him...He is a self absorbed selfish addict...As much as it hurts and trust me I have been there..you have to stop trying to deflect the consequences of his addiction...He needs to be on the street be cold be miserable be hungry ...it's the only Way he's ever going to begin to consider maybe this drug thing ain't working to good for him.....He knows you love him....but right now you have to allow it to play out...You have to focus on yourself your marriage your other son your home...You must keep the home intact...it is he who through his actions changed .....my son I spent thousands I did all I could...He finally admitted to me that no matter what I did he wasn't ready to quit...only now since he decided he was getting to old for this is he trying to change his path....He needs to do the work....but I tell him I love him and do my best to encourage him ....You have drawn the line and you must be firm...He cannot find a weakness in it...You and your family need to get counseling to understand enabling so you learn to stop repeating that behavior...You must be united or he will conquer and destroy...You cannot allow someone who cannot make good decisions rule any of you. ..hell reach out to you...where at that point you can say you love him and want him to get better....but you will not support his bad behavior and mean it....it's not going to be fixed over night...I have had this effect my life for 10 years now....You must be strong....He will bring you down before you can bring him up.....He has to fix himself ...You cannot fix him your love won't stop him you can only allow his actions to play out...only when a addict starts to feel the effect will they begin to think maybe this drug life isn't for me. As far as the 2000 you hold onto it if you give it to him all you'll be doing is funding his next fix...Right now you need to act like parents ...as parents we cannot always be our kids buddies we have to set examples of what is expected of adults...
