my son is in a 31 day inpatient program. he
is now on his 21st day. the problem now is that he is adamant about not doing an additional 90 days of extended care. i am willing to go along with the professionals and tell my son that he can not come home if he doesn't do the extended care. my husband isn't quite there yet, and voiced his oppinion in our family meeting that he still isn't sure that he needs extended care, or that he is even an addict. ugh. now, the facility is saying that they will have to ask him to leave on saturday (day 22) if he won't agree to go to the extended care. the additional 90 days are another 21,000 dollars. it is not the money issue... we will find it, or borrow it. it is just that with my husband not convinced that he needs it, and the fact that he is our only breadwinner, he worries about being able to earn that 21 grand to replace in our pension. i understand that he worries about the money, and since he is not "convinced" that our son is an addict at all, it is difficult for him to be where i am right now.
well, now that i have rambled, and even i have lost my train of thought... any comments are welcome... i feel like i don't know what to do.
I feel like I've surpassed my allotment of advice-giving, but here goes anyways:
First, your husband is clearly in denial about your son being an addict. Normal users DON'T end up in inpatient treatment. Period. If he's there, he's one of us. And once he's one of us, well, the saying goes, "you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber". This is a proven fact.
Second, extended care GREATLY increases one's chances of holding on to long-term recovery. For me, getting sober and staying sober in inpatient treatment was the easy part; I was surrounded by others in recovery, coddled by counselors and others who really cared whether I stayed sober or not. The outside world is MUCH harder: besides having to learn to live and enjoy life as a newly sober person, including doing things like working, doing social activities, and making new clean and sober friends, the outside world is fraught with pitfalls; namely, old people, places, and things. Aftercare (among MANY other things!) eases the transition and provides a cushion for the shock that inevitably comes when a newly-sober person rejoins the world.
The statistics are out there and undeniable. At the treatment center I went to, those who participated in aftercare were, on average, 80% more likely to stay sober. And that aftercare lasted a whole year!
Does your husband really think he knows more than your son's treatment providers? That is foolish at best and complete idiocy at worst. You might spend the money now, but that's money you will likely save money in the long-run, because he won't need another round of inpatient treatment after his next bottom.
Robert
First, your husband is clearly in denial about your son being an addict. Normal users DON'T end up in inpatient treatment. Period. If he's there, he's one of us. And once he's one of us, well, the saying goes, "you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber". This is a proven fact.
Second, extended care GREATLY increases one's chances of holding on to long-term recovery. For me, getting sober and staying sober in inpatient treatment was the easy part; I was surrounded by others in recovery, coddled by counselors and others who really cared whether I stayed sober or not. The outside world is MUCH harder: besides having to learn to live and enjoy life as a newly sober person, including doing things like working, doing social activities, and making new clean and sober friends, the outside world is fraught with pitfalls; namely, old people, places, and things. Aftercare (among MANY other things!) eases the transition and provides a cushion for the shock that inevitably comes when a newly-sober person rejoins the world.
The statistics are out there and undeniable. At the treatment center I went to, those who participated in aftercare were, on average, 80% more likely to stay sober. And that aftercare lasted a whole year!
Does your husband really think he knows more than your son's treatment providers? That is foolish at best and complete idiocy at worst. You might spend the money now, but that's money you will likely save money in the long-run, because he won't need another round of inpatient treatment after his next bottom.
Robert
ps- don't be fooled by the argument that it's "just pot". I was also an alcoholic, heroin, and crack addict, yet quitting pot was one of the hardest things I had to do. I've seen it time and time again as a member of AA and NA, as a juvenile counselor, and, now, as an attorney in our local "drug court" system.
thank you robert. i will have my husband read your post as soon as he gets home. our problem now is that our son is saying he is leaving tomorrow ama. his counselor called me a little while ago and told me that he was either leaving tonight or tomorrow. he is ADAMENT that he will not stay. he called my husband a few minutes ago and said he was leaving in the morning. hsi dad said that he can't come home because he has to stick by my decosion, and that he should call me. needless to say, he didn't call me. i feel like i am in the biggest catch 22 of my life. if i let him come here, i an enabling him once again. and then if he relaspses, or worse, ends up dead, it is my fault. on the other hand, if i don't let him come home, and he goes back to his college or to his friends, and then if he relapses, or worse, ends up dead... it is my fault again. i don't know which way to go. either way, i'm f***ed. my husband said that our son promised he would never use again, and the he would drug test every day. my husband thinks that "home" is a safer environment. i really don't know where to turn.
sorry- I never answered your question about your son not wanting to do it. If he doesn't want to, don't let him come home. You're paying for his whole treatment, the least he can do is do it. If he doesn't want to, you have to cut him off completely. It's so hard to do, but the only other option is to keep enabling him.
It's definitely a red flag- he probably can't wait to use again, but still, make him stick to the aftercare. You never know when someone will actually begin to want sobriety.
It's definitely a red flag- he probably can't wait to use again, but still, make him stick to the aftercare. You never know when someone will actually begin to want sobriety.
i can't "make" him stay. he is not in a lock down facility. he can leave at any time, which is what he is saying he will do in the morning.
I wish my son (addicted to or abusing mj) had been able to go to extended care, it would have made it a lot easier on us, his parents. If you read my previous posts, you will remember that he was supposed to go but we could not leave him at the recommended facility.
To come directly home after rehab is much more difficult. It is a real struggle. Despite what your son has learnt in rehab, it is not ingrained in him yet. He has not gone to many NA meetings; he does not have a routine and it is not sure that he is committed to recovery. If his therapists are recommending extended, it is because they dont trust that he has made enough progress with his sobriety. They doubt that he will survive once he is out.
So far, my son is sober (72 days). He goes twice a week to an outpatient program and once or twice (reluctantly at times) to NA/AA. We (his parents) are going to family group therapy so that we can get the strength to be firm with him.
Because we had to take him home with us, we told him that if he goes back to smoking pot, he will be sent back to rehab or to a wilderness program. He believes us. He does not want to leave home and therefore does not smoke, despite his expressed desire to do so. My son believes that he can smoke casually and for a while tried to convince us to accept it. Of course, we did not. All this is not without anger and frustration. There is also the worry that he might relapse.
I think it is possible (not necessarily wise) for you to take your son back but you will need very strong boundaries. It will be tough and you will be doing yourself a lot of the work done in extended.
I have two questions. Is the rehab center recommending its own extended care or another facility? Why would they not let your son complete the program whether he goes to extended care or not?
The cost of rehab is prohibitive and faced with the unsavory choice of prolonging it, one is tempted not to accept this option. I can understand your husband.
Best of luck
To come directly home after rehab is much more difficult. It is a real struggle. Despite what your son has learnt in rehab, it is not ingrained in him yet. He has not gone to many NA meetings; he does not have a routine and it is not sure that he is committed to recovery. If his therapists are recommending extended, it is because they dont trust that he has made enough progress with his sobriety. They doubt that he will survive once he is out.
So far, my son is sober (72 days). He goes twice a week to an outpatient program and once or twice (reluctantly at times) to NA/AA. We (his parents) are going to family group therapy so that we can get the strength to be firm with him.
Because we had to take him home with us, we told him that if he goes back to smoking pot, he will be sent back to rehab or to a wilderness program. He believes us. He does not want to leave home and therefore does not smoke, despite his expressed desire to do so. My son believes that he can smoke casually and for a while tried to convince us to accept it. Of course, we did not. All this is not without anger and frustration. There is also the worry that he might relapse.
I think it is possible (not necessarily wise) for you to take your son back but you will need very strong boundaries. It will be tough and you will be doing yourself a lot of the work done in extended.
I have two questions. Is the rehab center recommending its own extended care or another facility? Why would they not let your son complete the program whether he goes to extended care or not?
The cost of rehab is prohibitive and faced with the unsavory choice of prolonging it, one is tempted not to accept this option. I can understand your husband.
Best of luck
see my post to you at the family site- I threatened SO MANY times to leave treatment as a young adult, because it was my way of manipulating my parents so they would give in to my demands. Remember, we addicts are expert manipulators. I'm SO glad they didn't give in!
Even if your son leaves, it will likely be only for a little while, until he realizes he has nowhere else to go! If he stays away, he will quickly discover that life on the streets is NO party, and something tells me he's a littte to spolied for the street life.
Even if your son leaves, it will likely be only for a little while, until he realizes he has nowhere else to go! If he stays away, he will quickly discover that life on the streets is NO party, and something tells me he's a littte to spolied for the street life.
Dear NoMore, I am glad to see you on this categorie,too. Weed was my son's DOC. So, we seem to have alot in common.
On the Friend and Families site we have a prayer list. Give us a first name and we can include him.
On the Friend and Families site we have a prayer list. Give us a first name and we can include him.
thank you...everyone. his name is steven.
ok. several thoughts here. why in the world would any treatment center kick someone out if they did not agree to aftercare? this makes no sense and does not seem that they are really that concerned about your son as a person. but if they admit someone to that bed that will commit to the aftercare then in the long run they get more money. as i have said before there are other options than inpatient aftercare. this is not the only option that can work! barbs son didnt do inpatient aftercare and is still sober. it can be done.
your son states that he is willing to drug test everyday. that sounds like he is pretty commited to me. as for not letting him come home. i think thats pretty risky. if he has no where to go, he will look for people to take him in. and those people will most likely be old friends that are users. they would welcome him back into their world. it would be different if he was not willing to stay clean. as your son i think he deserves that chance. to come home and prove to you he will stay clean. but then if he uses, then tell him he cant stay there. letting him come home if he is clean is not cedependency or enabling. its supporting your son when he needs you. i agree with your husband. give your son a chance. he might just surprise you! try showing him that you have faith and believe in him.
your son states that he is willing to drug test everyday. that sounds like he is pretty commited to me. as for not letting him come home. i think thats pretty risky. if he has no where to go, he will look for people to take him in. and those people will most likely be old friends that are users. they would welcome him back into their world. it would be different if he was not willing to stay clean. as your son i think he deserves that chance. to come home and prove to you he will stay clean. but then if he uses, then tell him he cant stay there. letting him come home if he is clean is not cedependency or enabling. its supporting your son when he needs you. i agree with your husband. give your son a chance. he might just surprise you! try showing him that you have faith and believe in him.
ps
my husband and i are 101 days clean today. we went to no rehab center, no outpatient therapy, no aa/na meetings, nothing. we did it all by ourselves, with the support and friendship of many kind and caring people from this board. an we were daily users for over 20 years. again, IT CAN BE DONE.
my husband and i are 101 days clean today. we went to no rehab center, no outpatient therapy, no aa/na meetings, nothing. we did it all by ourselves, with the support and friendship of many kind and caring people from this board. an we were daily users for over 20 years. again, IT CAN BE DONE.
I respectfully disagree with cajun lady. If you son wanted to stay clean so badly he would not want to leave treatment so badly. He would welcome the opportunity to do extended care.
Have faith in your son and believe in him when he SHOWS you he can stay sober on a daily basis. That means more than 30 or 60 days of sobriety, even 6 months! It took me a LONG time to rebuild the trust I lost with my family, which is how it should be, because I put them thru a world of hurt!
Promises do to things like drug-test and stay sober mean nothing a newly-recovering addict. Remember that he is an expert at manipulating you. Also, when someone tells you they'll never use again it should bring up red flags. It means he hasn't learned very much in treatment, because every addict with solid recover knows you NEVER say never that type of thing.
Your son may tell you he is willing to stay clean (he might even believe it himself!) but in the back of his head the addict is telling him things like "one more time!" and "you can control it!". If he's ready to stay sober, tell him to prove it!
Like I said, aftercare gives him the best chance. If he ends up living with a friend and using, so be it. That will only precipitate his inevitable bottom.
Take it from someone who lives a life of recovery, works with new people who are incarcerated every day, and has a partner who also works with newcomers, has a great life, and lives a life of recovery. That being said, this is only my opinion. Do with it what you will.
Have faith in your son and believe in him when he SHOWS you he can stay sober on a daily basis. That means more than 30 or 60 days of sobriety, even 6 months! It took me a LONG time to rebuild the trust I lost with my family, which is how it should be, because I put them thru a world of hurt!
Promises do to things like drug-test and stay sober mean nothing a newly-recovering addict. Remember that he is an expert at manipulating you. Also, when someone tells you they'll never use again it should bring up red flags. It means he hasn't learned very much in treatment, because every addict with solid recover knows you NEVER say never that type of thing.
Your son may tell you he is willing to stay clean (he might even believe it himself!) but in the back of his head the addict is telling him things like "one more time!" and "you can control it!". If he's ready to stay sober, tell him to prove it!
Like I said, aftercare gives him the best chance. If he ends up living with a friend and using, so be it. That will only precipitate his inevitable bottom.
Take it from someone who lives a life of recovery, works with new people who are incarcerated every day, and has a partner who also works with newcomers, has a great life, and lives a life of recovery. That being said, this is only my opinion. Do with it what you will.
the only way he can ever SHOW he is sincere about his recovery is when he hits the real world. its easy to stay clean in a rehab center where no drugs are available to you.
i once turned away someone i loved because she would not give up alcohol and meth. a few months later i was at her infant daughters funeral. if i had still been there for her, her baby would have been with me and not in the back seat of her car with her blood alcohol level of 2.4. yes i said 2.4. that is not an error. i saw all the reports myself. i will never turn my back on someone i love again. no matter what.
i once turned away someone i loved because she would not give up alcohol and meth. a few months later i was at her infant daughters funeral. if i had still been there for her, her baby would have been with me and not in the back seat of her car with her blood alcohol level of 2.4. yes i said 2.4. that is not an error. i saw all the reports myself. i will never turn my back on someone i love again. no matter what.
last post was me. sorry was not signed in.
Cajun Lady
I like your human, softer, gentler approach.
I am living through my son's recovery now and I am hoping it will work. There is no certainty, just hope.
I think there is a difference between an adult who has chosen or accepted to go to rehab and a teen who has been "forced" to enter a treatment facility. It is very difficult for an adolescent to remain committed to recovery and to accept the discipline of the rehab. It is not fun. The counselors are caring but tough. I don't find it surprising that Steven wants to leave. He could have done it from day one and he did not. It is upsetting to him to know that he needs a longer program and he is reacting with his teen brain. Keep on telling him that he needs to (must) finish the 31 days and then a decision can be made. It will give you more time to think about what you are willing to do and a little breathing space. By then, the idea will be more acceptable to him.
I am not sure I agree with this statement for an adolescent:
If you son wanted to stay clean so badly he would not want to leave treatment so badly. He would welcome the opportunity to do extended care.
Just my own experience, perhaps I am still naive.
I like your human, softer, gentler approach.
I am living through my son's recovery now and I am hoping it will work. There is no certainty, just hope.
I think there is a difference between an adult who has chosen or accepted to go to rehab and a teen who has been "forced" to enter a treatment facility. It is very difficult for an adolescent to remain committed to recovery and to accept the discipline of the rehab. It is not fun. The counselors are caring but tough. I don't find it surprising that Steven wants to leave. He could have done it from day one and he did not. It is upsetting to him to know that he needs a longer program and he is reacting with his teen brain. Keep on telling him that he needs to (must) finish the 31 days and then a decision can be made. It will give you more time to think about what you are willing to do and a little breathing space. By then, the idea will be more acceptable to him.
I am not sure I agree with this statement for an adolescent:
If you son wanted to stay clean so badly he would not want to leave treatment so badly. He would welcome the opportunity to do extended care.
Just my own experience, perhaps I am still naive.
barb
thanks for your kind words. that is what this site is all about. i recall reading in this post that the son was in a voluntary treatment center. to me that means he wanted help. as an addict, if everyone was saying: she cant do it, we dont trust her, she doesnt know what she needs, and so on i would feel beat down and that i could not do it. i am glad that i have positive support from people telling me i can do this and that they are proud of me.
i commend you for being so supportive of your son. i think your support in his recovery will make all the difference in the world.
thanks for your kind words. that is what this site is all about. i recall reading in this post that the son was in a voluntary treatment center. to me that means he wanted help. as an addict, if everyone was saying: she cant do it, we dont trust her, she doesnt know what she needs, and so on i would feel beat down and that i could not do it. i am glad that i have positive support from people telling me i can do this and that they are proud of me.
i commend you for being so supportive of your son. i think your support in his recovery will make all the difference in the world.
my son asked to go to treatment. he had his girlfriend call me for help. i went to him immediately, and took him to the counselors at his college. he agreed that he was an addict and asked for us to take him to rehab. he has been avoiding it for years, by talking his developmental pediatrician (he is treated for add) out of sending him to rehab. he was not forced to go... he can leave at any time, it is not a lockdown facility. the experts are telling me that he is not ready to come home, along with several addicts on this board, as well as several parents (recovering addicts themselves) that were in the family education program with us. my husband, 21yr. old daughter, and i just did a comprehsensive five day family education program along with my son for three of the five days. i am also going to their 5 day codependency program in two weeks.
nomore
no teen i know wants to spend 120 days away from their family and friends in such a scary and uneasy place. i dont think that means he is not committed to his recovery. he should not have to earn your faith, belief and support. he is your son and he deserves that until he does something to make you mistrust him. getting addicted to pot does not make him a bad person or a bad son. he just made a mistake. please dont turn your back on him when he is trying to do the right thing. i would hate to see you have to live in regret of that decision for the rest of your life. trust me that is a pain that never goes away. i would do anything in the world to go back and change how i handled things, so that i could still hold my niece in my arms and watch her grow up. but she is gone forever and nothing i can do now will change that. i will regret my decisions for the rest of my life. i pray to god that you never have to live with this kind of pain.
no teen i know wants to spend 120 days away from their family and friends in such a scary and uneasy place. i dont think that means he is not committed to his recovery. he should not have to earn your faith, belief and support. he is your son and he deserves that until he does something to make you mistrust him. getting addicted to pot does not make him a bad person or a bad son. he just made a mistake. please dont turn your back on him when he is trying to do the right thing. i would hate to see you have to live in regret of that decision for the rest of your life. trust me that is a pain that never goes away. i would do anything in the world to go back and change how i handled things, so that i could still hold my niece in my arms and watch her grow up. but she is gone forever and nothing i can do now will change that. i will regret my decisions for the rest of my life. i pray to god that you never have to live with this kind of pain.
no more
your sons asking for help was a big step. most addicts do not realize that they are in to deep and need help at such an early age. this says something for your son. he is a smart kid. please continue to think about this and dont make any decisions yet. just encourage him to complete the 31 days for now.
your sons asking for help was a big step. most addicts do not realize that they are in to deep and need help at such an early age. this says something for your son. he is a smart kid. please continue to think about this and dont make any decisions yet. just encourage him to complete the 31 days for now.
