i never said that he was a bad person, or a bad son. he and his sister are the loves of my life. i will never turn my back on him. i will however stick to my guns about cutting him off financially and not allowing him to live here until he is clean for 120 days. he has aunts and uncles and sober friends. he has a job to go to if he won't stay. he will not be on the street. i was loving him to death. and i have to let him make this decison on his own. he has admitted that he needed a foot up his @&& many times, and that we always give in. i cant do it this time for his sake. but i will never turn my back on my children.
Cajun Lady. I hope my son realizes some day to what extent we want to support him.
Nomore:
The fact that Steven wanted to go to rehab is such a positive fact. He realized by himself that he had a problem. Not many teens want to do go to treatment, especially for pot.
Extended care was recommended for my son as well because he would not last 2 days at home without going back to smoking mj. This is what we were told by his counselor. Every expert we had around us agreed. Because of unforeseen circumstances, we had no option but to take him home. He has not relapsed and it is a tiny bit easier now. He does not keep on saying that he wants to go back to smoking and he is a bit calmer.
We just have to keep on reinforcing the boundary and makes sure he goes to his outpatient program.
I really believe that you need more time to think, even a few days. Everything is so rushed once a decision about the aftercare has been made . We went exactly through the same experience and I sympathize.
Nomore:
The fact that Steven wanted to go to rehab is such a positive fact. He realized by himself that he had a problem. Not many teens want to do go to treatment, especially for pot.
Extended care was recommended for my son as well because he would not last 2 days at home without going back to smoking mj. This is what we were told by his counselor. Every expert we had around us agreed. Because of unforeseen circumstances, we had no option but to take him home. He has not relapsed and it is a tiny bit easier now. He does not keep on saying that he wants to go back to smoking and he is a bit calmer.
We just have to keep on reinforcing the boundary and makes sure he goes to his outpatient program.
I really believe that you need more time to think, even a few days. Everything is so rushed once a decision about the aftercare has been made . We went exactly through the same experience and I sympathize.
Nomore - I hope that the program has explained to you about how immature drug addicts are. If your son has used for say, 3 years, then he hasn't matured in that length of time. He is still acting and thinking like a 16 yr. old.
The ADD stuff is another story. That would mean that he has a dual diagnosis.
In my son's case he was mildly depressed and suffers from awful migraines. He was allowed to live at home after rehab, until he stole an expensive ring from me.
We never turned our back on him, though, and were always able to talk. It took 30 days in jail, for him to make a decision to get sober.
The ADD stuff is another story. That would mean that he has a dual diagnosis.
In my son's case he was mildly depressed and suffers from awful migraines. He was allowed to live at home after rehab, until he stole an expensive ring from me.
We never turned our back on him, though, and were always able to talk. It took 30 days in jail, for him to make a decision to get sober.
his doc was not mj. although he did smoke 6-7 times per day. he also took pills... xanax (6mg at a time, with alcohol), he abused his adderal, sleeping pills, excessive alcohol, and was very depressed. he has also used pain killers, and occasionally cocaine. not that what he used is that important, a drug is a drug is a drug.
Amy
What is your son doing today?
What about his migraines? Is he still suffering from them? Did you manage to convince the insurance to enroll him?
What is your son doing today?
What about his migraines? Is he still suffering from them? Did you manage to convince the insurance to enroll him?
Amy S. and Barb: how long have your sons been sober (and that mean SOBER, no mood-altering substances of ANY kind) for? More than a year? If so, I will eat my words and humbly walk away.
Barb and Amy: from what No More said, it seems that the problem is that her son does not have 31 days: the treatment providers are telling he he needs to make the decision RIGHT NOW. Otherwise, I would agree that he should wait it out and see how he feels at the end of inpatient treatment.
Cajun Lady: I'm truly sorry about your infant daughter's demise. However, you must realize how wrong it is to say that if you hadn't turned your back on you loved one "her baby would have been with me and not in the back seat of her car with her blood alcohol level of 2.4." How can you possibly believe that? No one can predict what COULD have been, least of all you. Your theory goes against everything every recovery experts would tell No More about co-dependency and enabling, and, worst of all, it has the capacity to frighten her into doing what you think is the right thing by putting these awful worries in her head about which she has ABSOLUTELY no control. Her son could come home, relapse one night on something like adderall, and kill himself that way. Who can predict the future? Not me. No one is suggesting she turn her back on her son. Is paying thousands of dollars for treatment "turning her back"?
No More: no one is telling you that you should not love and support your son, or give him major kudos for the decision to seek treatment in the first place (I'm truly sorry if I didn't mention that earlier!) Love and support are completely different than enabling and codependency.
Most importantly, the people giving you the advice about your son doing extended care are the experts, and recovering addicts (hopefully long term ones- like a year of sobriety or more). These are your words. The people telling you to bring him home are your husband (who, sorry to say, has not a clue about addiction and recovery from what you have said) and, those who are newly-sober themselves (sorry Cajun Lady, 101 days is newly-sober. Ask anyone who works with addicts and/or has been sober for a significant period of time.) I exclude Amy from this, because I have not heard how long her son has been sober for. So the question you have to ask yourself is: whose opinion do you put more stock in? If you think about it, the answer is painfully obvious.
Barb and Amy: from what No More said, it seems that the problem is that her son does not have 31 days: the treatment providers are telling he he needs to make the decision RIGHT NOW. Otherwise, I would agree that he should wait it out and see how he feels at the end of inpatient treatment.
Cajun Lady: I'm truly sorry about your infant daughter's demise. However, you must realize how wrong it is to say that if you hadn't turned your back on you loved one "her baby would have been with me and not in the back seat of her car with her blood alcohol level of 2.4." How can you possibly believe that? No one can predict what COULD have been, least of all you. Your theory goes against everything every recovery experts would tell No More about co-dependency and enabling, and, worst of all, it has the capacity to frighten her into doing what you think is the right thing by putting these awful worries in her head about which she has ABSOLUTELY no control. Her son could come home, relapse one night on something like adderall, and kill himself that way. Who can predict the future? Not me. No one is suggesting she turn her back on her son. Is paying thousands of dollars for treatment "turning her back"?
No More: no one is telling you that you should not love and support your son, or give him major kudos for the decision to seek treatment in the first place (I'm truly sorry if I didn't mention that earlier!) Love and support are completely different than enabling and codependency.
Most importantly, the people giving you the advice about your son doing extended care are the experts, and recovering addicts (hopefully long term ones- like a year of sobriety or more). These are your words. The people telling you to bring him home are your husband (who, sorry to say, has not a clue about addiction and recovery from what you have said) and, those who are newly-sober themselves (sorry Cajun Lady, 101 days is newly-sober. Ask anyone who works with addicts and/or has been sober for a significant period of time.) I exclude Amy from this, because I have not heard how long her son has been sober for. So the question you have to ask yourself is: whose opinion do you put more stock in? If you think about it, the answer is painfully obvious.
And at this point I need to apologize to Cajun Lady for minimizing her length of sobriety. 101 days of sobriety is a tremendous acomplishment, and I am deeply sorry if I minimized it.
Sorry again and my sincere congratulations! It's just that at almost 4 years of sobriety, I still feel like a newcomer sometimes. That's it; I'm done justifying it.
Sorry again and my sincere congratulations! It's just that at almost 4 years of sobriety, I still feel like a newcomer sometimes. That's it; I'm done justifying it.
newbie
you abviously are not reading all of my posts in which you are commenting on.
Cajun Lady: I'm truly sorry about your infant daughter's demise. However, you must realize how wrong it is to say that if you hadn't turned your back on you loved one "her baby would have been with me and not in the back seat of her car with her blood alcohol level of 2.4."
your infant daughter and her baby. do you see the contradiction here? my post never said i lost an infant daughter. it clearly says i lost my neice. and yes i do believe that if i had continued to take care of my sister-in-laws children and not tried to force her to settle down, clean up and raise her own kids that my niece would have been here with me instead of in that car that night.
everyone is entitled to voice their own thoughts and opinions here. who are you to say that mine are wrong? i have not showed disrespect of your opinions. there are other proven drug treatment options besides inpatient programs. i am only trying to get this parent to consider ALL OPTIONS available to her son.
you abviously are not reading all of my posts in which you are commenting on.
Cajun Lady: I'm truly sorry about your infant daughter's demise. However, you must realize how wrong it is to say that if you hadn't turned your back on you loved one "her baby would have been with me and not in the back seat of her car with her blood alcohol level of 2.4."
your infant daughter and her baby. do you see the contradiction here? my post never said i lost an infant daughter. it clearly says i lost my neice. and yes i do believe that if i had continued to take care of my sister-in-laws children and not tried to force her to settle down, clean up and raise her own kids that my niece would have been here with me instead of in that car that night.
everyone is entitled to voice their own thoughts and opinions here. who are you to say that mine are wrong? i have not showed disrespect of your opinions. there are other proven drug treatment options besides inpatient programs. i am only trying to get this parent to consider ALL OPTIONS available to her son.
Cajun Lady: In your original post as "guest" you did not say it was your niece. Check it out. Besides, who cares if it is your niece, grandma, cousin etc? You're still saying that you KNOW things "would" have been different had you done it another way. That's called "playing God" and though you may want to tell yourself that to give yourself the guilt you feel you deserve for somehow blaming yourself for this incident (when it was clearly NOT your fault), it is the incorrect advice, because it's playing on a mother's fear about what might happen to her son if she decides not to enable him anymore.
Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion!Have I tried to silence yours simply because I've pointed out the problems with your theory? You say you only want No More to consider ALL the options, but it sounds like, essentially, she only has two: let her son not finish treatment and come home or remain in treatment and do the extended care. According to her, waiting the 31 days is not the option; she must decide it now.
Your quote: "this is not the only option that can work! barbs son didnt do inpatient aftercare and is still sober. it can be done." Yeah, it can. But for how long? Long-term aftercare gives someone the best chance at staying sober LONG-TERM. How can you argue with that logic?
Sadly for both of us, this thread is quickly becoming about our disagreement and losing sight of its original intent: to help No More. My ego compels me to respond because I honestly feel (sorry for the blunt truth) that No More is given misleading advice by people who have very little idea about what it takes to stay sober on a long-term basis. Maybe that's my bad and I need to put my ego in check; I'm just SO tired of reading responses that give advice to newcomers in recovery BY newcomers in recovery.
No More: once again, listen to those who have REAL and LONG-TERM experience with recovery. They are your beacons.
Robert
Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion!Have I tried to silence yours simply because I've pointed out the problems with your theory? You say you only want No More to consider ALL the options, but it sounds like, essentially, she only has two: let her son not finish treatment and come home or remain in treatment and do the extended care. According to her, waiting the 31 days is not the option; she must decide it now.
Your quote: "this is not the only option that can work! barbs son didnt do inpatient aftercare and is still sober. it can be done." Yeah, it can. But for how long? Long-term aftercare gives someone the best chance at staying sober LONG-TERM. How can you argue with that logic?
Sadly for both of us, this thread is quickly becoming about our disagreement and losing sight of its original intent: to help No More. My ego compels me to respond because I honestly feel (sorry for the blunt truth) that No More is given misleading advice by people who have very little idea about what it takes to stay sober on a long-term basis. Maybe that's my bad and I need to put my ego in check; I'm just SO tired of reading responses that give advice to newcomers in recovery BY newcomers in recovery.
No More: once again, listen to those who have REAL and LONG-TERM experience with recovery. They are your beacons.
Robert
robert
this site is all about newcomers to recovery giving advice to newcomers in recovery. i thank god those newcomers where there for this newcomer when i first joined.but your right, this post is meant to help nomore, so i wont continue to feed your ego by replying anymore. peace out.
this site is all about newcomers to recovery giving advice to newcomers in recovery. i thank god those newcomers where there for this newcomer when i first joined.but your right, this post is meant to help nomore, so i wont continue to feed your ego by replying anymore. peace out.
well, he called this morning with his counselor. he wanted to hear it from me that he couldn't come home. i held my ground. it's killing me, but i know that it is what he needs right now. he tried the emotional blackmail thing, by telling me that if he wasn't allowed to come home, he probably wouldn't contact me again... and i wouldn't see him for several years... and that he hoped that nothing happened to me during that time. i told him that i hope not too, and that all i wanted for him was the best possible future. he said that that would be living with his dad and i and i told him that that would only be possible if he did the extended care. his counselor said he would get back to me, but i haven't heard from him yet. he did call his dad a little while ago at work, and told him that he was taking a bus to a town closer to his college. that he didn't have enough money to get all the way home. i guess i just have to wait and see now. i did tell him that if he stayed his 31 days it would give us more time to find him an alternative place to go for treatment, or, may to an aunt's home until he can get out on his own... but that there would be strict boundries there. i feel like someone just ripped my heart and soul from me. i know that my husvand is suffering just as much. he told my son that it was "our" decision that he couldn't come home. he knows that is the right thing.
GREAT NEWS... HE IS STAYING!!!!!!!
THEY GOT AS FRAR AS LOADING HIS LUGGAGE IN THE VAN, AND HE ASKED IF HE COULD CHANGE HIS MIND!!!!
THE COUNSELOR SAID ONLY IF HE AGREED TO 90 DAYS OF EXTENDED CARE, AND STEVEN SAID HOW ABOUT IF I AM 95% SURE? THE COUNSELOR SAID NO, YOU HAVE TO BE 100% SURE, AND HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND SAID HE WAS!!!!
i thanked the counselor for whatever he did to make him stay, and he said that we did it by sticking to our word that he couldn't come home!!!
thank you all... i will keep you posted on what happens next. i feel like i'm on top of the world right now because he is getting the help he needs.
GREAT NEWS... HE IS STAYING!!!!!!!
THEY GOT AS FRAR AS LOADING HIS LUGGAGE IN THE VAN, AND HE ASKED IF HE COULD CHANGE HIS MIND!!!!
THE COUNSELOR SAID ONLY IF HE AGREED TO 90 DAYS OF EXTENDED CARE, AND STEVEN SAID HOW ABOUT IF I AM 95% SURE? THE COUNSELOR SAID NO, YOU HAVE TO BE 100% SURE, AND HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND SAID HE WAS!!!!
i thanked the counselor for whatever he did to make him stay, and he said that we did it by sticking to our word that he couldn't come home!!!
thank you all... i will keep you posted on what happens next. i feel like i'm on top of the world right now because he is getting the help he needs.
"Amy S. and Barb: how long have your sons been sober (and that mean SOBER, no mood-altering substances of ANY kind) for? More than a year? If so, I will eat my words and humbly walk away."
Robert
Not long enough. I agree that extended care is the optimal solution and would have preferred it myself. We did not have the option and this is why we are coping ourselves (+ outpatient treatment) with the recovery. Very hard...
I was suggesting to "no more" to try to get a little more time. It is not clear to me if the Rehab Center is kicking her son out or if the son is leaving on his own. I cannot conceive that the C. Foundation, a reputable institution, would do this.
It is extremely difficult for a parent to decide to close the doors to a child and not to give another chance.I was just mentionning my own experience to show that even with a young teen who went to treatment against his will, who believes that he can smoke casually (although this is changing slowly), there are other motivations that can prevent him from going back to using.
I have said it in many of my posts, to have an addict back home before he is ready is "no picnic" for the parents and extended care is the best solution. As you say yourself,
"Long-term aftercare gives someone the best chance at staying sober LONG-TERM. How can you argue with that logic?"
Robert
Not long enough. I agree that extended care is the optimal solution and would have preferred it myself. We did not have the option and this is why we are coping ourselves (+ outpatient treatment) with the recovery. Very hard...
I was suggesting to "no more" to try to get a little more time. It is not clear to me if the Rehab Center is kicking her son out or if the son is leaving on his own. I cannot conceive that the C. Foundation, a reputable institution, would do this.
It is extremely difficult for a parent to decide to close the doors to a child and not to give another chance.I was just mentionning my own experience to show that even with a young teen who went to treatment against his will, who believes that he can smoke casually (although this is changing slowly), there are other motivations that can prevent him from going back to using.
I have said it in many of my posts, to have an addict back home before he is ready is "no picnic" for the parents and extended care is the best solution. As you say yourself,
"Long-term aftercare gives someone the best chance at staying sober LONG-TERM. How can you argue with that logic?"
No more
Very good news. I am happy for you that it worked out. The counselors at the foundation know what they are doing.
Very good news. I am happy for you that it worked out. The counselors at the foundation know what they are doing.
No More: that is fantastic news. I wish him the best of success and I hope extended care gives him that chance. I'm really glad you held your ground and set some boundaries with him.
Barb: I know, you were just sharing your own experience with No More. I'm really sorry if I appeared to be disregarding your experience/advice.
Cajun Lady: You're right too- it IS important to hear what a newcomer has to tell another newcomer in recovery. I did let my ego get in the way, and I'm sorry I did that.
Barb: I know, you were just sharing your own experience with No More. I'm really sorry if I appeared to be disregarding your experience/advice.
Cajun Lady: You're right too- it IS important to hear what a newcomer has to tell another newcomer in recovery. I did let my ego get in the way, and I'm sorry I did that.
and... now he's leaving again. he said i don't love him. i reassured him that i do. this is just pure hell. he says he can't make a sane decision in there, and needs to come home or at least go to a hotel with me so we can talk. i said no, that we were talking on the phone and that i think he is in the right place. he said he is calling his friend to come and get him... his girlfriend said no... and then he is getting his friend to bring him home. he wanted to know if i would let him in. i told him no. dear god, please help him to see where he needs to be and keep him there safely.
You have the right idea- pray for him, and pray that he finds the right way. He's sick, and once he realizes that his loved ones will support him but NOT enable him, he will be forced to make some adult decisions about what he wants to do next. Believe me, his friends are not going to want to put up with him for very long. especially with no money for rent, food, or his drug use.
I'm sorry this is so hard on you, and I hope one day he realizes the hell he's putting you through. Us addicts can be the most insanely selfish people. I put my mom through literal hell, until she finally learned that she was only hurting me by continuing to bail me out of every bad situation I found myself in. At the time, I cursed her for not giving me what I wanted (it's no different than a toddler, crying or acting out because he is not getting his way), but I'm SO grateful to her now, because without her enabling me I was finally able to learn from my mistakes, and, most importantly, GROW into the sober and happy person I am today.
You've given him the choice; it's out of your hands now. Don't fall into the trap of making yourself feel guilty. Take comfort in knowing you've done the RIGHT thing, and are simply relying on the advice of his treatment providers, who have dealt with this situation many times before.
I will pray for him, hope that he finds the wisdom to come to the realization that there's nowhere else to turn, and will pray that the treatment center will give him another chance to come back when and if he chooses to.
I'm sorry this is so hard on you, and I hope one day he realizes the hell he's putting you through. Us addicts can be the most insanely selfish people. I put my mom through literal hell, until she finally learned that she was only hurting me by continuing to bail me out of every bad situation I found myself in. At the time, I cursed her for not giving me what I wanted (it's no different than a toddler, crying or acting out because he is not getting his way), but I'm SO grateful to her now, because without her enabling me I was finally able to learn from my mistakes, and, most importantly, GROW into the sober and happy person I am today.
You've given him the choice; it's out of your hands now. Don't fall into the trap of making yourself feel guilty. Take comfort in knowing you've done the RIGHT thing, and are simply relying on the advice of his treatment providers, who have dealt with this situation many times before.
I will pray for him, hope that he finds the wisdom to come to the realization that there's nowhere else to turn, and will pray that the treatment center will give him another chance to come back when and if he chooses to.
This is a roller coaster.
Buy time and try to convince him to finish the 31 days program. Tell him that he must finish the rehab at the treatment center because you paid for it and there is no refund. This is the minimum he should do. He is acting up and reacting emotionally to the news that he needs extended.
I wish you a lot of strength.
Buy time and try to convince him to finish the 31 days program. Tell him that he must finish the rehab at the treatment center because you paid for it and there is no refund. This is the minimum he should do. He is acting up and reacting emotionally to the news that he needs extended.
I wish you a lot of strength.
ps- if he leaves I mean, b/c he hasn't even left yet! He's just trying every tactic he can to manipulate you so that you will come take him home! I've been there!
I threatened SO many times to walk out the treatment doors! I only stayed when I came to the bitter realization that there was nowhere else for me to go!
I threatened SO many times to walk out the treatment doors! I only stayed when I came to the bitter realization that there was nowhere else for me to go!
My heart aches for you, I know the pain you are going through.
Don't give in, don't let him come home. He will thank you some day.
Love him and let him go, give him over to the care of God. Pray Pray Pray,
Faith and Hope (always)
Kerry
Don't give in, don't let him come home. He will thank you some day.
Love him and let him go, give him over to the care of God. Pray Pray Pray,
Faith and Hope (always)
Kerry
his four lifelong buddies are on their way to pick him up. they came here first to talk to me. i told them i didn't want them to go. they asked me to think with heart and not my head. they don't feel that they can leave him there.
