What Was It That Finally Made You Quit?

Allright, Josh, I've got to call you on this one: I think the post should read as follows:

"For me it was the realization that despite their name, painkillers dont kill my pain, they merely push it off, I can either deal with it now while i'm young and have time, or I can deal with it when i'm 30 and have the realization that i've wasted the first quarter of my life."

Other than the minor math problem, I think you are waaaaaaay ahead of the game compared to most of us.

Forever young,

August
The first time I went to treatment, I had been seriously trying to quit for 6 months. The pills were comsuming my life. At one point I believe they saved me from cracking when a close family member died of cancer. But as time went on, I just couldn't take enough and my once highly functional mind was turning into jello. I was SCARED TO DEATH every day to run out of pills because I have 2 small kids to take care of, and everyone who has been through withdrawls knows how hard it is to do anything, let alone function in a life that has to be highly functional..get it??
When I came out of treatment, I went back to the high stress situation that had made me use to cope, without help. It wasn't long before I was taking pills again, even though I would have left my leg at that treatment center to stay sober the first time if they had told me that would keep me sober.
After about 2 weeks of drinking along with the pills, I WAS RIGHT WHERE I HAD LEFT OFF... I would wake up each morning in the worst withdrawls, and ran right back to the hospital.
I started to cross those "NOT YETS..." meaning when people say, "I can't be that bad, I haven't done that YET."
THE VALUABLE LESSON THAT I LEARNED WAS THAT THEY SAY YOU GO RIGHT BACK TO WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. I WAS IN THE INCOMPREHENSIBLE DEMORIALIZATION ONCE AGAIN. THEY WERE RIGHT. I KNOW THAT TODAY I WOULD RATHER LIVE IN THE STRESS OF LIFE FRUSTRATED AND SOBER THAN ON VICS AND DRINKING.
In the stress, and sober, at least I have hope that I can make my life better. When I am on pills, I have no hope.
Do you remember the movie Pirates of the Carribean? When the pirates were complaining that they had all of the wine and women they wanted, but COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING? That is exactly how I felt. That is no way to live. That is why I quit; I wanted to feel joy again.
LittleBeach, I feel certain that you have had some exposure to the steps, and I do not wish to preach, but I think therein lies the solution to the stress of daily living.

The objective is to be happy joyous and free--not to walk through life resigned to the loss of our lover, the drugs.

It takes a lot of hard work, but it is worth it. There is no greater gift that a parent can give her children.

August
August, I am over the loss of the drug. The point that I was trying to make was that I went back, thinking that using was an easier way to living, when in fact, it wasn't. It is funny you mention that. I am over the loss of it. I am just trying to clean up the mess I made and get my self esteem back. I am also trying to make some progress in my life, in other thing besides recovery; but I know that if I don't put the recovery first, I will lose everything.
The stress that I encounter is raising kids alone and being a working mom. I get frustrated because I want to be with my kids, and I work nights. That is my main source of stress. I want to be there, and I feel like they are growing up in front of my eyes, and I am missing it. I am trying to find the time to put myself into a much higher financial bracket so I can raise my kids right. If there is a step that can fix this, please let me know.
I have had exposure to the steps. That doesn't mean that I wont be frustrated. Fierce independence has gotten me this far, but it has also gotten me into a mess. I am still trying to hold onto my old ideas while learning to turn it over.
And as for speaking for myself, (and no one else) I can quote the big book until I am blue in the face, but that doesn't mean that I understand s***.
LittleBeach, I am reminded of a time a few years ago when I was really stressed about money. Despite being fairly educated, I was pretty beaten down at that point and considered myself totally unemployable. This was in the early 90s, Bush was in the White House and we were at war with Iraq. My, things have changed.

I had started my own business, but had hardly a client to my name and really did not have the first clue about how to get clients. I tried all the usual avenues and none of them yielded much fruit.

I complained about this to my sponsor, speaking in envious terms of those I knew who had prosperous practices and feeling like I should have all that (never mind doing the hard work). My sponsor asked me if I had ever considered taking up meditation. I was perplexed. My problems could not be solved through meditation, what I needed was some clients who paid their bills on time!

Of course, my sponsor was right about the meditation and as time passed and I became more ready, I began to understand what it really takes to prosper in my business: honesty and integrity. Turns out it is in short supply and those who have it get all the business they need. And how does one get honesty and integrity if it is missing in their life? Well, it seems that the steps have a funny way of restoring that too.

My point is that neither the process of marketing one's business nor working the Steps should be viewed in a linear, cause and effect fashion. If, however, we do the next right thing, slowly, our universe gets restored to order.

These days, when people ask me how I get my clients I smile and shrug my shoulders and confess honestly that I do not know. I just try to do the next right thing and somehow the universe provides me with that which I need.

Good luck.

August
Thank you, August. That is what I needed to hear, I guess. I am under a lot of stress, and am exactly where you were. I do have honesty and integrity, but unfortunately, I was a parent when I should have been getting an education. For that I feel like a loser, and don't have many options.
However, I guess I just got the answer that I needed. I do have faith that it will get better, and you are right; if I do the next right thing, then the next right thing will come.
I have been at a job for 10 years now, and am ready to move on. But I am scared to death to let go of a job that I hate because it is my security. It is a paradox, it is saving me but making me sick at the same time.
It is hard for me to turn it over, I usually hold on kicking and screaming. But once I do let go, God usually tells me "See, I told you I wouldn't let you down..."
kerry
Oh, and August...I am looking for an attorney right now...interested?? One of the reasons that I hate my job is the fact that I have to deal with a bunch of descriminatory bulls***, and have numerous people that tell me to contact an attorney. However, I am caught because the 4th step teaches us to look at our part in it...
It is just hard to go to work everyday being reprimanded about the stupidest s***, all because of one persons attempt at slander.
Kerry, I understand how you feel. I felt trapped for years in a job that I despised. Over the years it sapped my soul and took away all sense of joy I had in the world. I turned to drugs to cope.

I lost that job when I had about 6 months sober. I was heavily in debt and the economy was in the tank. It was really scary, and it was during this time that I really learned the meaning of falling on my knees and turning it over. Well, I am not sure that I turned it over as much as it got pried from my clutches.

I went to a meeting and raised my hand to talk about the abject terror I felt concerning losing my job and going bankrupt. An oldtimer in the room responded that sometimes the worst event in our lives turns out in hindsight to be the best thing that ever happened to us. That which brings us such fear today can be the beginning of a whole new life. We may even come to realize that "God is doing for us, what we could not do for ourselves."

Oh, was he right. Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me.

If we develop faith and work our program to the best of our ability, we can find grace.

I know it is rough and I do not wish to diminish the difficulties you are facing. It is a horrible economy out there in many sectors. But I really do believe that God does not carry us into sobriety to let us fall flat on our faces. Trust in him, clean house, and you will be contacted.

All the best,

August
And LAP, please consider rehab. I remember the pain you are in. Rehab is to me the easier, softer way. They can help you do it medically, where it isn't so uncomfortable. Also, you can find solace in the fact that you are not alone, and you can get out of that person that you have become...
You will find that it is a disease, and if we practice it long enough, we ALL become that person. they will help you realize that you can become the person you want to be.
Thank you very much, August. It is funny you mention that might be God's doing in this job thing..I could not quit on my own because of security issues. But I think that he is telling me he has more important and useful ways for me to spend my time..
Oh, and btw, I have your post on my fridge...the one that you wrote about fear. I read it everyday. Now if I could only apply the principles....lol...sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly...I probably am in that slowly part...
kerry
kerry
Yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to insult anybody.
Josh, those thirty something cracks can be a trigger for some of us....lol...
Josh, we were all just kidding. You didn't insult anybody. It's probably good for some of us old f...ts to be reminded that it might be later than we think....