One of my friends is a binge drinker. she can go 3 or 4 weeks without drinking but when she do she stays at it for days.Yesterday morning she called me at 930 am to go and pick up more booze for her because she and her sister had all their booze gone and wanted more. They were up at it all night. I went and picked it up dropped it off and came home. This morning it was the same thing .she called me at about 1030 am to go and pick up some more which I did. It didn't bother me going to liquor store and being around the booze at all. I was just thinking that the people at the liquor store would think I was drinking myself again. So when I bought it the girl said I haven't seen you around much since you gave up drinking and I she pointed at the bottle of wine i had there and the beer. I told her I still don't drink that is for someone else and I said who it was for.I feel I am enabling her with her drinking but I don't want her to be mad at me either for not doing her a "favor". When she is not drinking she is a real good friend. It is not affecting my sobriety at all in fact it helps me stay sober cause I would never want to be in that situation again.I was so thankful these two mornings that it was not me that was drinking. I am so glad to be out of it. I feel more pity for her than anything because on these binges she is so wasted .I also know the way I used to feel when I ran out of booze and wanted more and get friends to pick it up for me so I can understand where she is coming from. I know I should say no to her but like I said earlier I don't want to lose her as a friend or have her mad at me. I would welcome any advice on how to handle the situation when it arises again (which I know it will) For the rest of the day I am not answering my telephone if her phone number shows on my caller ID because I don't want to do it anymore today.That will make me feel deceitful and like I am betraying a friend. I really do like this woman and I want to remain her friend. Well guys that is my vent for today. Thanks for letting me share. God bless and take care.:) But for the Grace of God go I
Hi Pirate,
JMHO but your friend IS affecting your sobriety. Tell her to take a cab and get her own booze. Would you send a recovering crack addict to a crack house?
I had a friend that would do that to me. I told her to take a cab and get it herself. She was pissed at first but she understood I had to protect myself and not enable her.
On some level do you think perhaps you were testing yourself and your sobriety? Don't play with the fire Marie.
Take care.
P.S. You have to ask yourself....Why am I willing to risk my own recovery to buy booze for a friend? Not a true friend in my opinion. Unless she doesn't know you very well and isn't aware of your alcoholism.
JMHO but your friend IS affecting your sobriety. Tell her to take a cab and get her own booze. Would you send a recovering crack addict to a crack house?
I had a friend that would do that to me. I told her to take a cab and get it herself. She was pissed at first but she understood I had to protect myself and not enable her.
On some level do you think perhaps you were testing yourself and your sobriety? Don't play with the fire Marie.
Take care.
P.S. You have to ask yourself....Why am I willing to risk my own recovery to buy booze for a friend? Not a true friend in my opinion. Unless she doesn't know you very well and isn't aware of your alcoholism.
I agree with Valarie but I have a tidbit to add. Why did you feel it necessary to tell the store employee the name of your friend you were buying for?
Please be careful. This is a dangerous errand you are engaging in. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Please be careful. This is a dangerous errand you are engaging in. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hi Pirate, I agree totally with Zipper and Valarie, you shouldn't have to go to buy alcohol for your friend as a 'favour'. If she truly values your friendship and you for who you are, your refusal to engage in her drinking shouldn't be a problem for her. She may be pissed at first but it shouldn't affect your friendship if she is a true friend.
I actually in the end forbid my mum to pick up booze for me because she was enabling me, encouraging the habit. If I wanted it I got off my behind and went for it myself.
Sending you good thoughts!! I know you'll make the right decision...
Izzy
I actually in the end forbid my mum to pick up booze for me because she was enabling me, encouraging the habit. If I wanted it I got off my behind and went for it myself.
Sending you good thoughts!! I know you'll make the right decision...
Izzy
Let me get this straight:
1) You've had to make excuses at the liquor store,
2) You've had to avoid the phone,
3) You're contributing to someone else's problems,
4) You're asking advice on a forum,
5) And you're afraid you'll lose a Friend?
1) You've had to make excuses at the liquor store,
2) You've had to avoid the phone,
3) You're contributing to someone else's problems,
4) You're asking advice on a forum,
5) And you're afraid you'll lose a Friend?
Pirate..........Those are some good questions man.
I would sit down today after your anger has cooled off ,and let us know the answers.I bet you will be surprised to find out this has more to do with you.
I would sit down today after your anger has cooled off ,and let us know the answers.I bet you will be surprised to find out this has more to do with you.
Marie, when your friend is not drinking explain to her that she is endangering your sobriety and you absolutely will not be able to go get booze for her. You are too new to sobriety to be around drunks like that. All it takes is a second to put a drink to our mouth under the wrong circumstances and we're off. Guard your sobriety like the precious gift it is. Don't throw it away over an active drunk. You're on dangerous ground here. Hell, I'm sober almost 8 years and I wouldn't put myself in that situation. We're all just a drink away from a drunk no matter how much dry time we have.
I honestly don't understand. I can't get my head around this. I've heard of people 12 stepping someone with a little alcohol when their coming down hard. Then taking them to a meeting. I really believe you would never intentionally harm someone. So that's why I don't understand. I guess it's just a better lack of judgement. Which I've been guilty of in my life. I'm sure I'll have more to come in the future. As I'm not perfect. But, being an alcoholic I wouldn't want to contribute to someones else that has a drinking problem. I guess you just thought you were trying to help some how.
If your friend finds out through the grapevine you mentioned the booze was for her. As living in a small community it could spread like a wild fire. I hope it doesn't. She's likely to be more mad about that. Then when you refuse to buy her more booze. Then who knows maybe she will just politely say OK. I understand. The latter having a better chance when she sobers up.
I think you just made a bad decision and then realized after the fact. Just be honest with her now and tell her NO. If you think and feel you've made a wrong decision. Then tell her your sorry and forgive yourself. Try not to dwell on it as it's done. Move forward now.
I don't see a problem buying a gift for someone in an appropriate situation in the future. As long as I'm working a strong program of recovery.
If your friend finds out through the grapevine you mentioned the booze was for her. As living in a small community it could spread like a wild fire. I hope it doesn't. She's likely to be more mad about that. Then when you refuse to buy her more booze. Then who knows maybe she will just politely say OK. I understand. The latter having a better chance when she sobers up.
I think you just made a bad decision and then realized after the fact. Just be honest with her now and tell her NO. If you think and feel you've made a wrong decision. Then tell her your sorry and forgive yourself. Try not to dwell on it as it's done. Move forward now.
I don't see a problem buying a gift for someone in an appropriate situation in the future. As long as I'm working a strong program of recovery.
Pirate, I say you tell her how you feel. She may be upset with you at the moment you say "no" as she would probably be drunk, be when she is sober, she will understand, if she is as good a friend as you say. I don't believe it is fair to judge her friendship basd on these binge phone calls. It is the disease that wants the liqour. If she was sober, would she bother u like that? No. Be hoenst with her and put the ball in her court, as far as where the friendship goes. The arguement- "if she was a true friend, she wouldn't be calling you..."- is a flawed argument. Like calling the kettle black imo. If alcohol didn't infringe on everything in one's life, why would we quit in the first place? Allow this friend the same grace and room for mistake. Just tell her you will be there when she is sober. My best friend recently told me he would not buy alcohol for me ever again. I had called him up too at 9am for similar reasons. We are still good friends. Take care Pirate.
Dodsworth..
Dodsworth..
Hey guys thank you all for the advice. Skg you are right on I think with your questioning. Val there aren't any cabs here so if you need to get somewhere and can't drive you have to rely on friends or family. Zipper and lookinup I dont really know why I said it was (name) that I was buying booze for I just wanted the girl at the liquor store to know it wasn't for me so when she sort of implied it was my booze I had said no I still dont drink that is for (name). That is no big deal really. She wouldn't care about me saying that. it's just I felt awkward being put in the situation where I felt I had to defend my actions.Being a monday morning and the worker at the store knew I have given up drinking it was like I was kinda ticked off at myself that I allowed myself to be put in that situation. where it would appear that I was buying the booze for me. So it was like I am not covering up for (name) . I know I should not be buying booze for her when she goes on these binges and that is the 4th time that I have been asked to do so by her. It is beginning to annoy me that she does this. I realize I am adding to her problem. I know once she stops drinking again it will be another 3 or 4 weeks before she will binge again and in the meantime I don't have the nerve to bring it up to her. It is so cowardly of me I know but at the same time I don't want to be her booze delivery person. I guess I will have to smarten up, and take the bull by the horns the next time she calls and say no and if she gets upset then so be it. LIke you all said I am not doing her any favors I am in fact enabling her to continue with her binges. I guess I just needed to see it written in black and white for me to read. I appreciate all the good advice you have given me and I will certainly take it and work with it. God bless and take care
I hate to say this but a 'true friend' would have never ask you to do this knowing your in recovery. I would question the friendship.
It isn't about her, it is about you. You know this, and if you lose her because you said no, it is effecting my recovery so be it.
I like what someone said, you wouldn't take a recovering crack addict to a crack house.
Pirate it is ok to say 'NO'.. simple word with just two letters.
It isn't about her, it is about you. You know this, and if you lose her because you said no, it is effecting my recovery so be it.
I like what someone said, you wouldn't take a recovering crack addict to a crack house.
Pirate it is ok to say 'NO'.. simple word with just two letters.
Pirate,
I didn't know you didn't have cabs. Well regardless any alkie worth their salt plans ahead. She should have better planning for her binge and leave you out of it. Again if she knows of your struggle with alcohol and still chooses to ask you for help I would question her friendship. JMHO..
Good luck Pirate and above all else protect your own recovery.
XX Valarie
I didn't know you didn't have cabs. Well regardless any alkie worth their salt plans ahead. She should have better planning for her binge and leave you out of it. Again if she knows of your struggle with alcohol and still chooses to ask you for help I would question her friendship. JMHO..
Good luck Pirate and above all else protect your own recovery.
XX Valarie
Pirate,
Suppose you had asked a friend (back when you were still drinking) to bring you booze because you had been up all night drinking and wanted more. Suppose your friend said to you " I can't bring myself to help you hurt yourself, besides I have quit drinking and don't want to be around alcohol."
What would you have said to them?
I think honesty is the best policy, you are allowed to be who you are and right now you are someone who needs to be away from alcohol.
wishing you well,
one day at a time, Cookster
Suppose you had asked a friend (back when you were still drinking) to bring you booze because you had been up all night drinking and wanted more. Suppose your friend said to you " I can't bring myself to help you hurt yourself, besides I have quit drinking and don't want to be around alcohol."
What would you have said to them?
I think honesty is the best policy, you are allowed to be who you are and right now you are someone who needs to be away from alcohol.
wishing you well,
one day at a time, Cookster
Pirate,
I still believe that in your heart and spirit you know this is risky ground and that is why you felt the need to not take ownership by naming your friend. You are right, naming the girl is not a big deal but the intent behind it is...possibly feeling like the 'victim' by 'having' to safisfy your friend's 'needs'. I recognize this because I, too, am very co-dependent and see myself as a victim.
Don't victimize yourself further by putting yourself in harms way. Please take care and love yourself enough to say no next time she asks for your assistance.
Prayers to you, my friend.
I still believe that in your heart and spirit you know this is risky ground and that is why you felt the need to not take ownership by naming your friend. You are right, naming the girl is not a big deal but the intent behind it is...possibly feeling like the 'victim' by 'having' to safisfy your friend's 'needs'. I recognize this because I, too, am very co-dependent and see myself as a victim.
Don't victimize yourself further by putting yourself in harms way. Please take care and love yourself enough to say no next time she asks for your assistance.
Prayers to you, my friend.
"It didn't bother me going to liquor store and being around the booze at all. I was just thinking that the people at the liquor store would think I was drinking myself again."
probably not as good place to be in the long run,sure it's easy to say you're glad you don't have to drink today but that's the kind of thing that can take it's toll in the long run especially when you're basically being used as the "perfect little codependant'.....
my advice would have been to say no and say no everytime and completly forget she ever asked ya after you walk out the door to go home
probably not as good place to be in the long run,sure it's easy to say you're glad you don't have to drink today but that's the kind of thing that can take it's toll in the long run especially when you're basically being used as the "perfect little codependant'.....
my advice would have been to say no and say no everytime and completly forget she ever asked ya after you walk out the door to go home
i know i have a jaundiced view here, but basing someone's character or friendship on their actions when they are drunk is, well..not fair and immensely hypocritical, that is if you've ever been an alcoholic. I thought I read somewhere that alcoholics are supposed to realize they are powerless over alcohol once they start drinking...you say she is a good friend when she is not drunk, well, that is the real her i would say. ..saying No to her is the right thing to do...good luck!
Dodsworth
Dodsworth
Being drunk is not an excuse. I used it for years and thus continued to drink and "never" take responsibility for my actions.
We have all done stupid things when we are drunk but I doubt that her friend has selective amnesia when she is drinking. The alcohol makes us not give a s*** is all, then use the "I was drunk" as the next morning excuse.
JMHO
We have all done stupid things when we are drunk but I doubt that her friend has selective amnesia when she is drinking. The alcohol makes us not give a s*** is all, then use the "I was drunk" as the next morning excuse.
JMHO
dont agree. You cannot expect reason from a person that is drunk. I think it is more fruitful to hold them accountable for drinking in the first place. They can control if they drink or not (ultimately), bu they cannot control how the alcohol affects them. Its not like someone who drinks does so beacuse they want to black out and get violent or make unreasonable decisions. Those are the repercussions of drinking in the first place, not accurate moral decisions. We're not talking about DUI or murder, we're talking about a few ill placed phone calls and putting a friend in an unreasonable situation. If you cannot forgive that, then whatever..
Dodsworth
Dodsworth
Dodsworth,
As you go along in your road to recovery you will find yourself re-evaluating alot of friendships. It's part of staying sober.
I originally had alot more written but decided that I will agree to disagree with you on this one okay. :-)
Have a good night.
As you go along in your road to recovery you will find yourself re-evaluating alot of friendships. It's part of staying sober.
I originally had alot more written but decided that I will agree to disagree with you on this one okay. :-)
Have a good night.
I understand what your saying Valarie. Noone should be absolved of their actions while drunk, but it just seems like a few phone calls while drunk shouldnt decide someone's character. Pirate said herself that this person is very agreeable when sober, so i dont see how 3 or 4 phone calls should damn that person. That person has a problem, just like me or someone else. No second chances? Im sorry that seems to fly in the face of everything ive been hearing about AA and other recovery programs. If pirate decides to distance herself from this friend, so be it, i understand, but i just dont support the sizing up of character by the drunken phone calls. If that were a real judge of character, i know many people including myself that wouldn't have any friends to rely on, and maybe that is the way it should be.
Dodsworth
Dodsworth
