What's So Hard About Saying "i'm Sorry"?

Hey gang....yeah it is me again and the continuing MARY saga with a new twist (in the heart as always) and a simple question...
Some of you know that the ex bf despite living with a drug dealer was recently busted for drug trafficking reduced to drug possession for which he claimed innocence...stating that he knew she was doing it but as he needed a place to stay at the time....which lasted for 2 years actually...he chose to turn his head and not be a part of her wheelings dealings and heroin habit...the bf used to cop from her in the past and he has been abusing heroin for over 25 years himself....so of course i knew that he was a big part of the wheeling dealing and abusing the heroin as well....but he swore under oath both in court and in God's name that he hasn't used or sold heroin for 2 years...
I recently wrote here that i found about 5 bags of heroin that looked like they were packaged for sale behind my stereo cabinet in the living room...of course i flushed them all down the toilet and i wrote to him about it going on 2 weeks ago and how saddened and angry i was that he did that to me and that he has been lying about being 2 years clean to me family and people that helped him at the time to get another place to live away from the drug dealer as his defense lawyer strongly suggested....
Why can't he at least call and apologize to me....we had been together for over 4 years....that has to mean something...He even went back to that drug dealer after the trial was over to assure her that he would not seek revenge upon her even though she ratted him out to the police to save her own skin..
I know we are no longer a couple although he said he would always be there for me no matter what so why can't he just admit that he was lying and he is sorry about bringing that stuff into my home.....he makes me feel like i am not worth apologizing to but that drug dealer's feelings were more important than mine....i almost wish i hadn't found that heroin cause once again i feel it is my fault that he can't claim he hasn't been using for 2 years
I am always the bad guy here and i don't even use that stuff
ANY ADVICE would be sorely needed and welcomed...MARY
As I have said so many times already Mary and the same with others, this story is getting old. You know what to do so do it. I know my responses piss you off because I am not gentle I suppose but you know the answer, I have given you the answers and the next thing I knew you begun to attack me as if I were the problem or your enemy. I am not.

But he went back to her after the bust? That heroin is some strong medicine. That b**** (chiva) is more powerful than any women could offer. And you must accept the fact that heroin is more sexier than you could ever be. Understand this or not, it's reality BABY.
mary,
life is full of i'm sorry! but would that really make you feel better, even if he really didn't mean it? isn't easier to walk away and find someone better for you? i know 4 yrs is hard to turn away from, but his addiction seems more important to him. good luck and hope the best to you.
raerae
Dear Raerae,
You are right.....he rarely apologizes or says thank-you so if hell suddenly froze over and he did say he was sorry....i would just guess that even Satan got tired of him and kicked him out and he was just apologizing to me so he could have a place to bunk for the night....and it is me that is hanging on not he and i don't even know why i do anymore....habit i guess and yes that means he has become my addiction and we all know where that road leads to....and Harley is right my story is getting pretty old.....okay heroin....i surrender....he is your's.....geez talk about a cheap date
Raerae i hope i remember this correctly but did you respond to another thread and say that your father was a heroin addict for 40 years and died of an O.D. ? I am sorry but how old was he when he died and did he live a fairly normal life in spite of his addiction? i have heard there are heroin addicts who can function while maintaining their addiction.....did you ever talk to your father about his addiction and what may have been the root of his problem?
I don't know if this true but one time i heard the ex bf telling someone that he did heroin because he liked it not due to any underlying psychological reason....to me it sounded like denial as he old life reads like this tragic melodramatic gothic novel....particularly his abusive childhood which would read like an old Charles Dicken's epic...
I thank God that he has spared me from developing a heroin addiction....battling alcoholism and staying sober is hard enough for me and i doubt heroin looks that sexy in a short nightie but if that is what turns the ex bf on.....to each is own i guess......Thank you Raerae for listening
MARY
The word sorry is a comfort to a fool just like the word promise, what if he says sorry will it take all the pain away that he has caused i doubt it! Darling what you need is to forget about him get on with it if you think that he is never going to change move on. I take it he is in prison how long did he get? do you want to be with him? take care xx
Dear skins
Love means never having to say you're sorry and knowing that he doesn't love me really means he doesn't have to say he is sorry....no he is not in prison (but he should be) he is on probation for 5 years but if i don't stay away from him then i will be in prison as well cause probation doesn't scare an old ex con like him and he's still being about what he's was being about only was too slick to get caught....i don't understand him anymore....he was so scared at first they were going to send him away for a long time for drug trafficking but now he reminds me of a character that a young James Cagney or Humphrey Bogart would play in those old gangster movies....when they stand there with their heaters (guns) sneering at the police yelling "Come and get me Copper!" I think he got used to being the man in charge drug dealer who swept up at a factory by day before he got busted....now he is just an over 50 dude sweeping up at a factory where everybody else is in charge....i think he misses those good old dealing days....as i said before i give up....if heroin wants him she can have him......yeah and i am sorry that i have gotten to the point of feeling this way.....it is all quite sad really and as Harley had mentioned it is getting too old and too played out a story.....THE END
im sorry

im sorry to tell you mary, the best thing for you would be to stay away from him. you dont need his apology. heroin users have no consience. didn't you know that. i know im one and right now i could care less. maybe one day he will say sorry, till then let it come naturally from him and not from you pushing for it
he no longer is who he once was. and worst he never will be. even if he gets clean he cant be with you ever again cause you can be a trigger. you might bring back memories of the days he used and he'll screw up again. im sorry to be so rash but its reality...
mary,
lets see you asked about my dad, well he used for 40yrs he started when he was 10 or 11 when he died he was 51 or 52. i wasn't really close to him, i spent too many years being angry. my parents were divorced when i was little, i didn't understand. he chose his addiction over me. as a child this was very hard, now as an addict it is a little easier to understand. i'm not sure why he used, i do know there is a long line of addiction in my family. his dad{ i never knew him} was a mean, abusive drunk and his mom{my nana} was crazy. she hated my mom and us kids. my parents met in rehab when my mom was a teenager {he was 10yrs older} she was never a very good parent either. my mom has boozed for as long as i could remember. she also has spilt personalities.{ which i didn't know till i was older, really explains alot} i spent most of my life at friends houses and parenting my little brother.{who has turned out great, in ARMY now} i had to grow up to soon!! so that leads to me. 23 married{very happy} with kids and this demon of an addiction.i hope that i can ask my kids one day- was i a good parent, and they say YES!! and yes i will overcome this. and i will be the best parent that i can be. thanks for listening
raerae
It sounds like his relationship with heroin is the strongest bond he has. So what if he said sorry - the deed is done. It was a calculated risk and he got busted. Honey, I'm speaking as a addict. Move on.

Diff
Dear All,
First off Raerae thank you for sharing some of your personal background with me particularly in regards to your father's addiction....he died about the same age the ex bf is now...51 For all that you have gone through in your life you seem like a very lovely caring individual and i have read other's posts stating the same thing.....as you know i am a recovering alcoholic with over seventeen years clean....my youngest brother having jumped to his death at the age of 29 just as i was starting to get sober...he felt he could no longer struggle with his substance addiction and chose death as a solution....i choose however not to judge his decision but to this day i miss him terribly....he was a good brother but kept his sadness and loneliness bottled up inside and masked his pain by his flippant sense of humor...but if you were in trouble he was there..
I think that was why i was drawn to the ex bf at first...despite his toughness and i knew he locked all his sadness and insecurites way deep inside himself and layered it all with his heroin addiction....
Made a mistake of writing to him recently as i was very lonely and i told him that i would just like to remain friends and forget about finding his stash in my apt and that down the road i might pay him a visit....well he called unexpectedly last Sunday and wanted to come by.....but i froze up and created some excuse why it wouldn't be such a good time....i think he actually said that he was running some errands to make some people happy and i swear he was intimating that he was doing some dope dealing as he doesn't have any friends other than using friends....
I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings by writing this but i am telling myself that i am a fool if i think i can just forget that he is still using and dealing while on probation....i know i am lonely but how can i be intimate with this man anymore knowing that he is a dope dealer and going to recovery meetings and lying about his being clean for 2 years when i struggle to stay sober every day and remember that my brother took his life due to addiction and the ex bf is cashing in on other people's afflictions by dealing dope.......i am such an idiot by thinking up this "let us just be friends" bit with him....to him that means that maybe i am still vulnerable enough that he can manipulate me for something further and not worry that he has to lie anymore about his using or dealing cause he thinks i am okay with it now.....MARY wake up and smell the coffee the man you loved and once loved you is gone....the man now is about himself and his heroin and it will always be that way cause he doesn't want to change and where he is going i can't follow....i am now afraid of him
Everybody is right....MARY run...and run now
That guest above is me.....i forgot to enter my name in that signature box
MARY