Fairly new here, so maybe I'm missing something, but, I've come here cos I've been a full on junkie( a few years back ) of needles, crack and heroin and for the last year or two I've relapsing and struggling. HAVEN'T quite fully gone back yet, but am only one step away !!!!
Now, specifically, I've come here cos I thought that I might get some sort of comforting words, or, empathy, or, logic or something other than what apppears to be a space for SOME women to share their hatred or ways of f*****g men up!
I'm not some diluded a*** wipe who has it in his small, severly limited brain that there aren't alot of cruel, viscious and evil men out their, who commit alot of cruel, viscious and downright evil crimes. BUT, the same goes for women! Only that generally, they do them in a different manor. And last time I checked, It wan't me that commited them.
But I'm not here to argue the respective merits/demerits of the two sexes. The capability for evil resides in all of us, It just takes different forms.
What saddens and depresses me, is that of the half dozen or so threads that I've read, all I'v e found is more reasons to use !!!! ( Ohhh, I think I feel a touch of blaming others for my own action coming on. ) In that, what I've found is a blanket blame / desire to punish men per se.
Isn't this a space for sharing a bit of love, empathy and support for all of us who are fighting ( for whatever reasons ) our demons / desire to walk down a path that leads to no / non existance?
Like I said, am I missing something ?
J
Perhaps I just need to get a sense of humour, I dunno.
But I thought that if you wanna b**** about old partners treatment of you, then you go find a site for that.
Or, maybe, I'm just p***ed off with myself for scoring today and need some one to blame, come to think about it I AM pissed of with myself for scoring. Like I said b4, I have been struggling for a couple of years now. I'm smoking (H), and it's 2-3 times a week. And I've been walking this close to line for about 6 months now.
It's also got to the point where the resulting depression from smoking is now becoming enough of an excuse for smoking it. The original BS excuse was that I didn't want to be frightened of it (H, that is) and therefore I would smoke it and then, cos I could 'control' it, I wouldn't be frightened of it and in control.
Cue howls of derisive laughter.
Thing is I can see all of it coming like you see a bus coming down the street.
Slowly the circle of people around me is narrowing so that the straight one's are dropping away, and I now know the address of two people that can score for me. They're not actually dealers. Another big BS rationalisation of how 'in control' I am. Like I said the depression after coming down is enough of an excuse.
It was a fellow junkie that said that one of the big problems with staying clean is that you can be 'good' for 23hours and 59mins and 59 secs but it's that moment when I say 'F*** it' I gonna get some that make it soo hard staying clean. The fact the my score's are literally round the corner from my door, of course, don't make it any easier pulling back, once that decision is made.
I can 'see' what's going on when I'm walking to them, and there are, most of the time, debates going on in my mind about what it is that i'm about to do, but, as yet I haven't been able to pull back from scoring. Funny thing is that when there isn't any to be had, I really am not that bothered.
Relatively speaking, I have been doing better in the last week or two than before. But in closing, does anyone have any magic wands that I could wave when I am on my way to score, apart from the 'you gotta be strong' school of thought.
You know something like electrified pieces of foil, another way suppliing oxygen to my lungs, osmosis perhaps.
peace and love, Yeah, not only am I a junkie, but worse still I'm a closet hippie as well. :-)
J
But I thought that if you wanna b**** about old partners treatment of you, then you go find a site for that.
Or, maybe, I'm just p***ed off with myself for scoring today and need some one to blame, come to think about it I AM pissed of with myself for scoring. Like I said b4, I have been struggling for a couple of years now. I'm smoking (H), and it's 2-3 times a week. And I've been walking this close to line for about 6 months now.
It's also got to the point where the resulting depression from smoking is now becoming enough of an excuse for smoking it. The original BS excuse was that I didn't want to be frightened of it (H, that is) and therefore I would smoke it and then, cos I could 'control' it, I wouldn't be frightened of it and in control.
Cue howls of derisive laughter.
Thing is I can see all of it coming like you see a bus coming down the street.
Slowly the circle of people around me is narrowing so that the straight one's are dropping away, and I now know the address of two people that can score for me. They're not actually dealers. Another big BS rationalisation of how 'in control' I am. Like I said the depression after coming down is enough of an excuse.
It was a fellow junkie that said that one of the big problems with staying clean is that you can be 'good' for 23hours and 59mins and 59 secs but it's that moment when I say 'F*** it' I gonna get some that make it soo hard staying clean. The fact the my score's are literally round the corner from my door, of course, don't make it any easier pulling back, once that decision is made.
I can 'see' what's going on when I'm walking to them, and there are, most of the time, debates going on in my mind about what it is that i'm about to do, but, as yet I haven't been able to pull back from scoring. Funny thing is that when there isn't any to be had, I really am not that bothered.
Relatively speaking, I have been doing better in the last week or two than before. But in closing, does anyone have any magic wands that I could wave when I am on my way to score, apart from the 'you gotta be strong' school of thought.
You know something like electrified pieces of foil, another way suppliing oxygen to my lungs, osmosis perhaps.
peace and love, Yeah, not only am I a junkie, but worse still I'm a closet hippie as well. :-)
J
Hi Julius,
I remember you from before. Old hippie here as well. Don't we all wish there was a magic wand. But there isn't. Many will tell you when it's right around the corner, you'll have a very difficult time. Because of that one moment like you said. Even if you can make it weeks, months, it just takes that one moment to pick up. That realization is huge. If you want to do this, you can't let your thoughts go there.
I really don't know what to say to you. I think you know just what to do Julius. You been there, you been back. If you can put some distance between it and you that will help. Lose all the phone numbers, don't hang with people who use. Find someone you can talk to when that moment hits. Make up your mind. If you only use twice a week, you know it'll grow from there. You can't win this one. I do wish you the best of luck.
Beck
I remember you from before. Old hippie here as well. Don't we all wish there was a magic wand. But there isn't. Many will tell you when it's right around the corner, you'll have a very difficult time. Because of that one moment like you said. Even if you can make it weeks, months, it just takes that one moment to pick up. That realization is huge. If you want to do this, you can't let your thoughts go there.
I really don't know what to say to you. I think you know just what to do Julius. You been there, you been back. If you can put some distance between it and you that will help. Lose all the phone numbers, don't hang with people who use. Find someone you can talk to when that moment hits. Make up your mind. If you only use twice a week, you know it'll grow from there. You can't win this one. I do wish you the best of luck.
Beck
Hi Julius, Certainly I am the culprit of originating how to men bash. If for any reason that specifically somehow stopped you from getting help here I am profusely sorry.
Those posts HELP some of us stay clean in one way or another. We break away for a bit from drudging through what we all know we did to ourselves and loved ones. It's the chit chat "normals" have and in a way it keeps some of us sane and clean. Only my opinion though. Not to mention alot of us have been here for a long time.
Hopefully you'll look back and see that whenever ANYONE came her and asked for help or just wanted to vent then a bunch of people automatically reach out. Fortunately this heroin part of the board hasn't been claiming alot of addicts lately. Tap, tap , tapping on these keys have many a tome helped me not to pick up.
I apologize. I'll talk heroin, recovery, addiction or anything that will help but again in all fairness we have NEVER not helped or gave to support to those that are seeking some help.
Hope you come back.
Those posts HELP some of us stay clean in one way or another. We break away for a bit from drudging through what we all know we did to ourselves and loved ones. It's the chit chat "normals" have and in a way it keeps some of us sane and clean. Only my opinion though. Not to mention alot of us have been here for a long time.
Hopefully you'll look back and see that whenever ANYONE came her and asked for help or just wanted to vent then a bunch of people automatically reach out. Fortunately this heroin part of the board hasn't been claiming alot of addicts lately. Tap, tap , tapping on these keys have many a tome helped me not to pick up.
I apologize. I'll talk heroin, recovery, addiction or anything that will help but again in all fairness we have NEVER not helped or gave to support to those that are seeking some help.
Hope you come back.
Thanx bryn, it didn't stop me coming here, just when I did, the list's etc on how to F*** men up were a little too much. Don't i beat myself up, with out half the human race joining in on my sexuality aswell, take it too far. Atleast it sometimes feels like that, as a man. I'm no angel, but I definately aint no demon either. Know what I mean.
It didn't make me use either, I provide enough reasons for that myself.
I went out tonight, and had a ball to some punk outfit ( which is not my usual thang) called 'oi polloi,' does anyone know them ? But had a bit of a revalation on the way home... Not drunk or anything... But having had the good time, kinda realised the damage that i do myself on a moment to moment basis, U know, no sooner have I had the good time, than I'm laying into myself about how s*** I'm gonna feel in the morning, which in turn provides the desire to take H. No doubt, I wont feel too great, but that's not an excuse to provide extra ammo and bad feelings that will in a sense 'allow' me to wallow in self pity and guilt and -ive s*** that gives me the excuse that I'm looking for.
Like I said earlier, I see 'it' coming and I'm trying to get to the point where I turn back and let go of that temporary insanity that keeps whirling round my head; saying 'get some gear, get some gear, get some gear.' But, if I'm honest, I haven't actually done it yet. I keep hoping that, the 'friends' that i'm scoring off somehow get taken out of the picture,(the dead bodies are already arriving) and then I will have that barrrier of having to find another score to keep me away from it. Another abnagation of responsability i know. I dunno if it would work, but I think I'm just using it as an excuse, like I said, to not take the decision myself.
Also, I think I'm just clutching at any and everything that might stop me, instead as i say, of me doing it myself.
But I hope that writing this will bring a bit of power back to me. There's a line out of a song I like that goes 'self knowledge is a dangerous thing, the freedom of who you are!!!!!' Atleast that's why I'm bothering here....
And thanx beck, I appreciate your words, and I remember your name from the last time I was here aswell. I know that i have the strength within me to do it, I've done it before. It is possible that I can do it again, That, I know, is a fact.
'The possibilities are up there'
J
X
P.S. I'm a big boy now, and i don't blame anyone for my own actions.
Much though i'd like to!!!
I just wanna post a lil something. First I do hope you will keep coming back. There have been post that i found no value in those post i don't reply to. I thought the man bash post was funny but, i would have thought a woman bash post was funny too. I would not have tought a women bash was a personal attack just because I have a vagina. YES WOMEN AND MEN VERY EQUALLY DO NASTY THINGS i could not agree more i've known some dirty low life ladies. For whatever reason it bugged you and you expressed that annoyence. I'm one of several people who have been posting here a long time. Sometimes you need a post that's totally off topic "honestly we don't get too many new people who stick around LONG." Off topic stuff helps break the hamster wheel of guilt, using, cravings, depression, laspe, relaspe, legal matters, gives us something else to write about, exc. I wanted to respond you'll never ever get a magic wand to cure addiction. There will never be a easy fix. You don't need to try and seek a easy way out.... there will NOT be quick and painless way. You'll always fail if your looking to get clean without a lot of life change and effort and support. It took me many times to get 22 clean months under me. I had to not only stop using but, rearrage my whole life. You can't do the same things and expect diffrent results. You said:" The fact the my score's are literally round the corner from my door, of course, don't make it any easier". I could get H brought to me by my brother at any moment. I like everyone else on here would have no issue getting it if we decided again to go that path. I'm not clean because dopes no where around. My neighbor is a dealer "coke". I'm clean I don't want it any other way. HELLL YEAH I CRAVE I want it nearly daily. I know i don't want it as badly as i want to have a life. I know all about what would happen with one hit. Everyone here knows where to get it that sure don't make it easy to quit. There is nothing easy about changing old habits. Everytime you go back to using you'll lose more. You have to make that choise you've lost enough you want your LIFE back.
been talking alot of s***e recently, sorry.
O.K. now that you established that Julius can I conk ya with a Timmy Tooth VHS tape?????????
Just so kidding........yeah it happens........I recall being like that too.
ZeroGirl knows her stuff though.........she gets mad respect here.....and she has a vagina.........good post from her.......glad you are coming back Julius, and any way we can help we will...........you got the intention........now the action!
Just so kidding........yeah it happens........I recall being like that too.
ZeroGirl knows her stuff though.........she gets mad respect here.....and she has a vagina.........good post from her.......glad you are coming back Julius, and any way we can help we will...........you got the intention........now the action!
