I was wondering if you guys on here would like to tell about the time you first realized that you had a problem with drinking. At which point in your life did it occur to you and why ? Also what did you do about it at that time if anything. Thanks
I knew within a year of drinking that I had a problem. Almost every time I drank, I'd blackout and this continued throughout my drinking career. In highschool, people would tell me at parties, "you have a drinking problem" and I took this as a COMPLIMENT! OMG! The insanity.
Towards the back end of last year. I'd been going to open AA meetings to try to figure out whether my ex was an alcoholic. I went once a week for maybe five months, listening and going "yes, that's her"....it helped me maintain my compassion for her struggle and enabled me to forgive some pretty painful behaviour towards me and our children....gradually it dawned on me that I felt the same way many of the people there said they'd felt as a teenager and while they were drinking. I started to hear them describe some of my drinking experiences....not the chronic phase but the relief drinking, blackouts, solo drinking, impatience at the bar, cutting back but experiencing loss of control (although I didn't consider it that until yesterday lol...what was it then Martin, eh? ....just an unintentional change of mind...lol)....
I'd taken tests on the web for my ex and took them again for me....and yep, I passed...hazardous drinking, abuse, everything apart from physical dependency...but surely I could stop??....
So all this between.....I guess October? November? and the end of December...when I was criminally irresponsible and drove drunk.....
Now looking back, I can see the bender I went on in August was pretty outrageous and beyond anything I'd previously experienced....and at the end of August I'd got myself into a fight and ended up being pulled off someone...
So by the time I finished I'd been in my first fight for 35 years, nearly killed myself drunk driving and could have killed anyone else on the road three times in two months....
So October 2007 pirate...despite the bender in Palma, the blackouts since 15, the solo drinking and binging over the past ten years, trying to cut back and failing for maybe forever, changing brands last year....
Wow...thanks for the question....maybe I'm not so different after all....lol...just slow on the uptake.
And I am so GRATEFUL to my HP for guiding me to the woman I loved whose kids became mine and who enabled me to discover this truth about myself, a truth that is giving me the chance of a new and better life.
Martin
I'd taken tests on the web for my ex and took them again for me....and yep, I passed...hazardous drinking, abuse, everything apart from physical dependency...but surely I could stop??....
So all this between.....I guess October? November? and the end of December...when I was criminally irresponsible and drove drunk.....
Now looking back, I can see the bender I went on in August was pretty outrageous and beyond anything I'd previously experienced....and at the end of August I'd got myself into a fight and ended up being pulled off someone...
So by the time I finished I'd been in my first fight for 35 years, nearly killed myself drunk driving and could have killed anyone else on the road three times in two months....
So October 2007 pirate...despite the bender in Palma, the blackouts since 15, the solo drinking and binging over the past ten years, trying to cut back and failing for maybe forever, changing brands last year....
Wow...thanks for the question....maybe I'm not so different after all....lol...just slow on the uptake.
And I am so GRATEFUL to my HP for guiding me to the woman I loved whose kids became mine and who enabled me to discover this truth about myself, a truth that is giving me the chance of a new and better life.
Martin
I knew the first time I ever drank. I drank specifically to get wasted and didn't stop until I puked and passed out.
I was an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink. JMHO
I was an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink. JMHO
Exactly my experience, too, Valerie! And I agree, I was an alcoholic before ever touching the first beer. Wanna hear something so telling? When I was young (4th grade, maybe) and my sister and I would play...you know, pretending to be a nurse, or a mom, or a secretary???? Like normal kids do. Guess what Lisa pretended? To be drunk! I kid you not, I'd walk around stumbling and slurring my words...again, the INSANITY!
I was an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink. JMHO
Me too, girlfriend.....I knew, deep down in my heart & gut, that I was out of control and probably an alcoholic at 15 yrs old when I got drunk, yet again, and took my BF's dad's corvette (along with 2 other guys, not my BF, he wasn't even home) for a joy ride, put it in a ditch, walked or more or less stumbled back to town, 2 mile walk at 2am in the morning and rather than face the consquences to my actions, I put my thumb out on the highway & hitch-hiked 4 hrs away.....took me two days to get back home.
I truly have been watched over by God as there have been many occurances where I could have been harmed or killed, this is just one of many during my drinking career......and thank God that I never killed anyone....
I knew then my life was unmanageable but I still thought I had the power...LOL
Me too, girlfriend.....I knew, deep down in my heart & gut, that I was out of control and probably an alcoholic at 15 yrs old when I got drunk, yet again, and took my BF's dad's corvette (along with 2 other guys, not my BF, he wasn't even home) for a joy ride, put it in a ditch, walked or more or less stumbled back to town, 2 mile walk at 2am in the morning and rather than face the consquences to my actions, I put my thumb out on the highway & hitch-hiked 4 hrs away.....took me two days to get back home.
I truly have been watched over by God as there have been many occurances where I could have been harmed or killed, this is just one of many during my drinking career......and thank God that I never killed anyone....
I knew then my life was unmanageable but I still thought I had the power...LOL
Wow that is sure telling Zipper. I think the first time I got drunk I was like a freshman in highschool. Could have been earlier but I can't remember exactly when. Everyone probably has the identical stories. We are all the same aren't we??
I started drinking with friends at 13, we used to sit in the park and drink cider til we puked. I passed out and a policeman woke me up and I puked over him too.
By 15/16 my whole problems started to get more serious. I drank to block out the pain and by the time I was 20 was drinking a bottle of wine a day, often more.
I always maintianed I could quit just like that but I never did or could. I knew then I was in trouble. But I didn't care because of my personality disorder. I was in self destruct mode.
It's only now 3 years on that I am seriously looking for a solution and another way of life and of thinking.
Thanks for letting me share.
Izzy
By 15/16 my whole problems started to get more serious. I drank to block out the pain and by the time I was 20 was drinking a bottle of wine a day, often more.
I always maintianed I could quit just like that but I never did or could. I knew then I was in trouble. But I didn't care because of my personality disorder. I was in self destruct mode.
It's only now 3 years on that I am seriously looking for a solution and another way of life and of thinking.
Thanks for letting me share.
Izzy
| QUOTE |
| It's only now 3 years on that I am seriously looking for a solution and another way of life and of thinking. |
I think that is fantastic, Izzy...I do have some regret that I didn't look for a solution earlier in life so I commend you for taking the steps and the willingness to look at it....you are an inspiration.
Take care,
Stacey
I am making a public amends to VALARIE...I am so sorry for always spelling your name wrong. You're the bomb, girl!
Zip you are sooo funny. No worries. My parents didn't spell it the American way so everyone spells it the way you did. You crack me up! :-)
Thanks for the replies guys. I had my first drink at 14 (a beer) made me puke but I loved the effect.I knew by the time I was 16 that I wasn't like the other drinkers but one specific thing stands in my mind when I was probably about 19 ,I ran out of wine and I drank some vitamin tonic that had alcohol in it. I knew then that once I drank I did not want to stop.I did nothing about it then but have spent years promising myself to stop drinking only to go back to it stronger than ever.Years before I ever gotten sober I had contacted AA but did not follow through. Izzy I am so proud that you recognize you have a problem and intend to get help.Don't be like me, and that is to live all your life by the time you are 50 controlled by this disease.I missed a lot of wonderful moments in my life.I also created quite a few horrible ones. I believe we are alcoholics even before we take that first drink because for me that first one lighted something in me that was missing from my soul,but little did I know at the time that I was trading my soul to the devil.Take care all.have a great day.
When i was young as i can remember i would hum and have my hands over my ears while rocking to take away the sound of my mum being beat up (and when i seen that scene in the film Once Were Warriors it was powerful to my emotions)
Anyway then i started to daydream as a way of escaping....aaahhhh then i found alcohol and even better blackout, i didnt have to remember anything and the next progressive step for me was to die..the ultimate blackout and way of forgetting, so by 18 after all of these switches i knew i was different to all these other people and i wanted to escape that knowing and reality so i done what i was good at and escaped via alcohol
light and love Zac
Anyway then i started to daydream as a way of escaping....aaahhhh then i found alcohol and even better blackout, i didnt have to remember anything and the next progressive step for me was to die..the ultimate blackout and way of forgetting, so by 18 after all of these switches i knew i was different to all these other people and i wanted to escape that knowing and reality so i done what i was good at and escaped via alcohol
light and love Zac
I went to AA out of spite. I wanted to show my BF I could live without him AND booze. I didn't go because I thought I had a real problem. I just drank too much whenever I started drinking. I didn't know what alcoholism was. I thought everyone drank till they passed out. Everyone I hung out with did. I always stayed with the heavy drinkers and we always stayed till the bar closed. Then there were the pills. That's when I realized my getting high was totally out of control. I couldn't get thru the day without them. I had seizures from them and that still didn't stop me. I put myself in a coma twice but still didn't see it as a problem. I began to think I MIGHT have an addiction problem but was still in denial. When I started going to the psych ward on a regular basis to keep off the withdrawals I realized, yeah, definitely out of control but now how do I stop. I was going to out patient programs but never really admitted to myself that I had a real addiction problem. I thought I could control it. HAH! Truth was I just couldn't imagine living without ever getting high again. The thought was obsene. Finally I just gave up. I was beat. Booze and drugs won. Thank God for AA. From other alcoholics I learned what my disease was about and how to keep it at bay. Today I can't imagine ever getting high again. The thought gives me the heebie jeebies. Wow! It's amazing how things change.
To really be honest I didn't know for absolute until 10/07. I suspected and in reflection I can see. But, I had so many stages of floating in and out of denial. As they say the layers had to be peeled. Acceptance had to be found. My resentment towards myself and the label of being an alcoholic had to be broken down. When I reached my bottom is when I found true acceptance and surrender.
Note not everyone has to hit a bottom, or bottoms like myself to reach this awareness.
Note not everyone has to hit a bottom, or bottoms like myself to reach this awareness.
Something else I wanted to add. I would go out to the pub with my friend and she would have a Malibu and irn bru and it would last her ages... I was always chomping at the bit to get the next drink and she would be able to sit there and NOT want to get drunk. I have to say I do admire people who don't drink to get drunk and who don't feel the need to. It used to make me really angry though... but I just got drunk anyway. She always had a bottle of Malibu in her room too. If that had been mine I'd have drunk the whole thing in one sitting and never thought twice about it.
I will say one thing for the people that were around me at that time. Not one of them cleared out and left me in a club on my own. I don't associate with them anymore though as I was the entertainment.
I will say one thing for the people that were around me at that time. Not one of them cleared out and left me in a club on my own. I don't associate with them anymore though as I was the entertainment.
Hi Izzy,
Totally relate to what you were saying! I used to get so irritated at those "Social" drinkers. When in fact I was only pissed off at myself for being an alcoholic and not being able to drink like that. Who the hell drinks only one glass of wine at dinner???? LOLOLOLOL....
Izzy I was always the entertainment too. They used me as their barometer of how fu**ed up they "weren't" . Does that make sense? As long as I was the mess they never had to look at themselves because they were never as bad as me!
Hope you are having a great day Izzy. How have you been feeling lately? How is the homefront atmosphere going? I hope better.
XX Valarie
Totally relate to what you were saying! I used to get so irritated at those "Social" drinkers. When in fact I was only pissed off at myself for being an alcoholic and not being able to drink like that. Who the hell drinks only one glass of wine at dinner???? LOLOLOLOL....
Izzy I was always the entertainment too. They used me as their barometer of how fu**ed up they "weren't" . Does that make sense? As long as I was the mess they never had to look at themselves because they were never as bad as me!
Hope you are having a great day Izzy. How have you been feeling lately? How is the homefront atmosphere going? I hope better.
XX Valarie
Hey Valarie, yeah everything you say makes sense to me. My pal never judged me though, she knew I had a problem.
The homefront? I had a massive argument with my mum at dinnertime, she can't cook and it drives me insane, well the upshot of it was I ended up chucking all my dinner in the bin after a screaming match then I went upstairs and cut myself. I got so mad. So then what did I do?? Need you ask. I went and bought a bottle of wine and some cigarettes. I haven't opened it. But I do intend to smoke the cigarettes. The one day I let her loose in the kitchen with my food and it ends up in a fight. NEVER again...
She knew I had cut myself coz there was blood on my trousers. She always knows how bad things affect me when it's too late. I can't stand any conflict.
I just get so pissed off because she never pays attention to anything I say but when her pals from the church want her to do something or read something she's right there at it... it just makes me feel inferior to be quite honest.
Anyway I don't want to get me started lol. Sometimes I just need to vent a bit.
Izzy
The homefront? I had a massive argument with my mum at dinnertime, she can't cook and it drives me insane, well the upshot of it was I ended up chucking all my dinner in the bin after a screaming match then I went upstairs and cut myself. I got so mad. So then what did I do?? Need you ask. I went and bought a bottle of wine and some cigarettes. I haven't opened it. But I do intend to smoke the cigarettes. The one day I let her loose in the kitchen with my food and it ends up in a fight. NEVER again...
She knew I had cut myself coz there was blood on my trousers. She always knows how bad things affect me when it's too late. I can't stand any conflict.
I just get so pissed off because she never pays attention to anything I say but when her pals from the church want her to do something or read something she's right there at it... it just makes me feel inferior to be quite honest.
Anyway I don't want to get me started lol. Sometimes I just need to vent a bit.
Izzy
Girlfriend you vent away. Please dump out that booze! IMMEDIATELY> You know how much worse you get when you drink. You will have no control over your emotions at all if you drink and the cutting will get worse. It has in the past so I don't want to see you harm yourself more. Dump it girl!!
Is there someone at all that you could give a ring to just to vent or better yet a F2F where you can get some positive interaction?
What about your mum's food annoyed you so much? Is she that aweful of a chef?
Hang in there Izzy. You know that drinking will not help at all. It always makes it worse. That's the insanity of it. Same sh*t over and over again and we somehow think we will get a different outcome.
XX Valarie
Is there someone at all that you could give a ring to just to vent or better yet a F2F where you can get some positive interaction?
What about your mum's food annoyed you so much? Is she that aweful of a chef?
Hang in there Izzy. You know that drinking will not help at all. It always makes it worse. That's the insanity of it. Same sh*t over and over again and we somehow think we will get a different outcome.
XX Valarie
Izzy,
If you ever need anyone to talk to about the cutting, please let me know. I used to cut myself, too.
Thinking of you!
If you ever need anyone to talk to about the cutting, please let me know. I used to cut myself, too.
Thinking of you!
