My 27 year old son is dual-diagnosed with addiction issues (heroin / meth), bipolar and is on the autism spectrum. In and out of jail and currently has warrants for failing to appear. We do our best to say "we love you, hate the drugs" and he knows to stay away when he's been using. He struggles to take care of himself, related to both his addiction and his mental health issues. Everything is a battle and he has a short fuse. He called yesterday, starving, soaking wet and had spent the night in a dumpster. I told him I'd meet him and he has horrific infections on his leg and foot, and a tooth that has completely broke off. How in the world do I know what to do? He has never been able to facilitate scheduling and keeping appointments, or even recognize how he can't put things like this off and then assume they can just knock him out and fix it all. He will go to jail, but won't receive any treatment for these things...but if I let him stay he will procrastinate and not want to participate in the treatment appointments.
I'm stuck between the mom in me saying these are serious infections and I can't send him to jail, and recognizing anything I offer to help won't necessarily be accepted.
sorry to hear about this. it is a sad situation. I have often thought in circles about this topic. I know of someone who had a motorcycle accident at age 25. he is now 50. he suffered brain trama. he is on disability, can live alone w help from a social worker who comes in once or 2x a day to help him do tasks. his sisters handle his finances because he is not able. therefore, if our loved ones have an illness and are disabled, why is this type of care not available.
In my son's case - he is not that disabled - he is capable of working. fact is that even if there was some kind of care to support an addict when they need it, they would still want the support and do drugs. and the two are counter productive.
In your son's case, it is kind of similar, he does need the care and support and probably would qualify for something, but he is not wanting to participate. Is there medication that helps him - as long as he is taking the meds does he stay away from recreational drugs?
for most of us it comes down to the addict wanting help and wanting to stop.
your situation is a bit different. but you can still keep giving him supportive words. that he need to go to hospital for the infection, and tooth, etc. it probably takes a lot of patience and talking. hugs. wish I could say something more helpful.
In my son's case - he is not that disabled - he is capable of working. fact is that even if there was some kind of care to support an addict when they need it, they would still want the support and do drugs. and the two are counter productive.
In your son's case, it is kind of similar, he does need the care and support and probably would qualify for something, but he is not wanting to participate. Is there medication that helps him - as long as he is taking the meds does he stay away from recreational drugs?
for most of us it comes down to the addict wanting help and wanting to stop.
your situation is a bit different. but you can still keep giving him supportive words. that he need to go to hospital for the infection, and tooth, etc. it probably takes a lot of patience and talking. hugs. wish I could say something more helpful.
You keep rescuing. ..we don't learn how to do it ourselves...I still to this day struggle with basic things like eating and taking care of my health..it is behaviors that come with the dope...or drugs...we tend to trust our bodies to take care of themselves..and measure everything in tolerance....this is what working some kind of a program helps with...but it's something we have to learn for ourselves...na and aa are free...and know resources that can help....even if he can't or won't stay...you can suggest. ..but that's all...we learn only when you do....continuous talking...nagging..."helping"...only tends to annoy and anger us...and you will become a mark...someone to call on a list when we need something...harder you try...the less we listen...the less we want or will try ourselves. ..
There are dual diagnosis rehab centers. There is social security disability for mental illness but they don't like to give it to people with drug problems. He can't get it if his medical history shows drug use is his main problem. Going to rehab shows them that he is off the drugs and trying so they might declare him mentally disabled. Find a lawyer that specializes in that specifically. Talk to a social worker that deals with people in similar situations...they may have ideas. He could go to a behavioral health hospital and they could maybe help him. Don't agree to pay the bill. Call National Association for Mentally Ill (NAMI) and see if they have local info to help. Your local NAMI office will have a list of places to get various types of help in your area. Call your local office for Adult Protective Services. I think that even if drugs are involved people can get help, if the drugs have damaged their minds so that they are unable to take care of themselves. Walking around undressed or without coats or in the middle of the street or unable to prepare food etc. It is a fine line and hard to prove the need for help when drugs are involved. There is help out there but it is hard to get for uncooperative people. Find a list of local United Way agencies, there may be ideas of nonprofit agencies on there. It is a difficult situation when they are unable or unwilling to help themselves. You might talk to your local police and explain the situation. They may be willing to take him to a hospital for help rather than immediately to jail. Some of those guys are very helpful. You would think autism qualifies him for an assisted living situation. You might call some national or local autism support group and see what they suggest.
Word of warning... Once an addict has a diagnosis such as bipolar, some addicts will blame everything they do on that diagnosis. I used drugs because.. I freaked out because... I can't work because.. So and so happened because I didn't have my meds. Some of that is true and some of that is them just blaming their actions on something else. That way they are not actually responsible for their own choices and actions. It might be drug use causing bad things to happen. I think bipolar is a catch all diagnosis for drug users with brain damage or some brain malfunction. I am not sure which comes first the mental illness that causes drug use or the drug use causes the mental illness
Word of warning... Once an addict has a diagnosis such as bipolar, some addicts will blame everything they do on that diagnosis. I used drugs because.. I freaked out because... I can't work because.. So and so happened because I didn't have my meds. Some of that is true and some of that is them just blaming their actions on something else. That way they are not actually responsible for their own choices and actions. It might be drug use causing bad things to happen. I think bipolar is a catch all diagnosis for drug users with brain damage or some brain malfunction. I am not sure which comes first the mental illness that causes drug use or the drug use causes the mental illness
You still can't fix it..cure it...or control it ..waste of time and money if we don't want it. ..
I do struggle with this type of thing, since my son is still a minor. But, I have seen clearly that he is hellbent on one path and one path only. Nothing I can do or say seems to matter.
I did have a friend in high school that was forced into treatment for alcohol by her parents. It did stick and she quit drinking. I always think of this....in relation to WHAT if anything am I supposed to be doing??? I understand Constantine what you are saying. It is very true.
I did have a friend in high school that was forced into treatment for alcohol by her parents. It did stick and she quit drinking. I always think of this....in relation to WHAT if anything am I supposed to be doing??? I understand Constantine what you are saying. It is very true.
Eh...wtf do I know parenting...everybody different...I'm just an old heroin addict...i can only speak from my own experience. ..as a kid...i was already a junkie...and nothing was gonna change that until I decided I needed to. ..took a long time...on and off the s*** to this day...I just know how most of us react to anyone trying to help...especially those we love....we alienate them first. ..it's a life thing...methadone was the only thing that ever kept me clean. ..9 years of it...and I'm still fighting the dope God....take what you need here and leave the rest..the only truth i know is...nothing works until we want it to...and trying to get us there ...helping...tends to take us both down...stay sane P...
Peace
Con
Peace
Con
Te1 and Parenting - if your child is hell bent on living the way HE wants, trying to push your solutions on him is not going to help. But you dont want to turn your back on him. My suggestion is to go to meetings, and find out everything you can regarding recovery programs in the community. This will give you real suggestions to offer your son when he asks. Above all - plan for yourself. Decide what you want YOUR life to look like in 5 years and start reaching that goal. You cant do too much for your son, so put your energy into yourself, yet be ready to be productive when your son needs assistance.
My son is 45 and has been an addict on and off since he was 16. He has never supported himself and the longest he ever worked at a job was 6 months. He has always been enabled by us up until about 5 months ago when we stopped. He has always found some girl to take him in and support him totally. When they finally got tired of it he would leave and take their stuff and sell it and then move on to the next one. He has been in prison twice for theft and drugs.
Now that he is older and has lost his teeth (last girl bought him dentures ,but he hates them and said she was trying to make him look bad) and bald--he is not having such good luck with girls because he looks like a worn out drug addict. His drug of choice was meth, but I know he has tried crack and who knows what else.
I think he is bipolar ,but he was never diagnosed. He can take care of his personal care, but has no place or money to do so ,as he lives in his car with two dogs. That will probably end in January when he can't pay his car title loan he took out without a job!
Long story short --he is running out of any options and I really don't think he will be able to make it. He would like to be 15 again and live at home and be taken care of like his little brother who is disabled and in a wheelchair. He blames us for his life!
I know that if he falls much further --he will crash and it will be a sad ending because he doesn't have the emotional tools to change his life and his addiction. I have hope and I pray everyday for him and for God to help my son. I can't help him and I have done too much for too long and only made him worse.
It is hard to let go when you know that they probably can't make it, but that is the only way or they will take us down with them and destroy our family completely. There are very few places that can help my son because he doesn't want that kind of help and uses the dogs as an excuse for not being able to go to a shelter or rehab. Heck --he doesn't even act like drugs are an issue. He denies using!! He thinks I am stupid about stuff like that and for many years we were!
I know that places for dual diagnoses are very limited or expensive. Most of them don't want drug involved persons. I pray for you and your son because I know how difficult it is for all of us!
Lori
Now that he is older and has lost his teeth (last girl bought him dentures ,but he hates them and said she was trying to make him look bad) and bald--he is not having such good luck with girls because he looks like a worn out drug addict. His drug of choice was meth, but I know he has tried crack and who knows what else.
I think he is bipolar ,but he was never diagnosed. He can take care of his personal care, but has no place or money to do so ,as he lives in his car with two dogs. That will probably end in January when he can't pay his car title loan he took out without a job!
Long story short --he is running out of any options and I really don't think he will be able to make it. He would like to be 15 again and live at home and be taken care of like his little brother who is disabled and in a wheelchair. He blames us for his life!
I know that if he falls much further --he will crash and it will be a sad ending because he doesn't have the emotional tools to change his life and his addiction. I have hope and I pray everyday for him and for God to help my son. I can't help him and I have done too much for too long and only made him worse.
It is hard to let go when you know that they probably can't make it, but that is the only way or they will take us down with them and destroy our family completely. There are very few places that can help my son because he doesn't want that kind of help and uses the dogs as an excuse for not being able to go to a shelter or rehab. Heck --he doesn't even act like drugs are an issue. He denies using!! He thinks I am stupid about stuff like that and for many years we were!
I know that places for dual diagnoses are very limited or expensive. Most of them don't want drug involved persons. I pray for you and your son because I know how difficult it is for all of us!
Lori
Yes, I know I have to take care of me. And, it is so true---the anger and the craziness will only take us both down. I think I struggle because this all happened "so fast" for me, but now I know he was hiding things for quite awhile before his "day of freedom" speech. I feel like I am trying to catch up with where is he at. In my world, he went from being sort of a slacker, but still home all the time, to literally just walking out and not showing up. Wow.
I DO know I have to take care of myself and I have to get back to my goals, my life. I guess I drank a lot in high school-not sure if I was really an alcoholic, but once I turned 21 it was not as fun. I really got into biking, etc.. I really got into LIFE. So, it is so hard to watch him just descend into this. And, not really know if he is ever going to come around.
I think I am over the panic and trying to fix everything. Just sort of sad now. And, realizing he is not going to start coming home any time soon (for more than a few hours).
I DO know I have to take care of myself and I have to get back to my goals, my life. I guess I drank a lot in high school-not sure if I was really an alcoholic, but once I turned 21 it was not as fun. I really got into biking, etc.. I really got into LIFE. So, it is so hard to watch him just descend into this. And, not really know if he is ever going to come around.
I think I am over the panic and trying to fix everything. Just sort of sad now. And, realizing he is not going to start coming home any time soon (for more than a few hours).
