I've just joined and I'm hoping for some advice/wisdom. I have an adult son 33 who has been using heroin for about four years. He is in recovery right now, spent 60 days in rehab and has 3 months is sober living. The problem I have is that I keep supporting him because he can NEVER find a job. He doesn't have a car anymore, I helped him get back on his feet the last time he got out of rehab. I got his car running, registered, insured but of course he lost it, I'm not even sure how. There are always excuses for not being able to find work, no transportation, (I bought him a bus pass) can work around the hours they require him to go to IOP, looking but no one will hire him.
Last night I got the call I knew I would get, I won't be able to call you any more because my phone will shut off tonight and I don't think I will be able to stay here (sober living) after Friday because I don't have rent. He went on to say that he might as well use so he could go back to rehab, he said that there were people that would pay you to use and then go to detox. It's some kind of scam so that the rehabs can bill the insurance companies for detox and rehab. (I googled this and found that these people really do exist)
At first I just say well that's to bad.....long story short I ended up giving him the money for the phone and rent. But it was a nasty call were I told him this was it!!! I just could take this any longer!! I told him that I would gladly give my life if it would fix him but I knew it couldn't and he was slowly killing me and I just couldn't take it anymore and not to call me again. Now I trying to justify what I said in my own mind. I keep saying well at least he's clean and sober isn't that what I want?? Is it enabling if you are just keeping a roof over their heads and food in the house.
I live in fear ALL the time, he is the first thought I have when my eyes open and the last I have before I finally fall asleep. I'm beyond stressed out if my husband knew I paid his rent and phone it would be a Hugh argument.
It's so hard, we lost our youngest son in an accident 10 years ago and I don't think I could survive it again.
Any insight would be appreciated.
I got sober at Brentwood Recovery Home in Windsor, Ontario, Canada in 1989.
Windsor is right across the river from Detroit, MI.
I remember after an evening meeting one of the guys was saying he was going to go to the Ambassador Bridge and jump - life wasnt fair and he couldn't handle it any longer.
I talked with him and talked with him for hours .. it seemed the longer I talked the worse he got.
I finally had to go to one of the group leaders and tell him what was going on, I had to be home.
The group leader said "So you're thinking about jumping off the Ambassador Bridge are you?"
"Yes" said the guy....
The group leader said: "I'm done my shift in 20 mins., I'll give you a ride to the Bridge"
The guy stopped in his tracks - the group leader asked if he was alright... they were talking and the guy was beginning to lighten up and laugh a bit.
I went home knowing that all was well (for that night anyway).
The more I tried to make things right the wronger they got .
Leave your son to face the truth - he'll get it or he won't
(and you won't make things wronger)
Read the post here, you'll get the drift.
All the best.
Bob R
Windsor is right across the river from Detroit, MI.
I remember after an evening meeting one of the guys was saying he was going to go to the Ambassador Bridge and jump - life wasnt fair and he couldn't handle it any longer.
I talked with him and talked with him for hours .. it seemed the longer I talked the worse he got.
I finally had to go to one of the group leaders and tell him what was going on, I had to be home.
The group leader said "So you're thinking about jumping off the Ambassador Bridge are you?"
"Yes" said the guy....
The group leader said: "I'm done my shift in 20 mins., I'll give you a ride to the Bridge"
The guy stopped in his tracks - the group leader asked if he was alright... they were talking and the guy was beginning to lighten up and laugh a bit.
I went home knowing that all was well (for that night anyway).
The more I tried to make things right the wronger they got .
Leave your son to face the truth - he'll get it or he won't
(and you won't make things wronger)
Read the post here, you'll get the drift.
All the best.
Bob R
Kelly--
I have a 45 y/o addict and he never works! He has said the exact same things your son said and used the same excuses. We always believed he was sober or clean and so we would pay the rent and food and even have bought him 5 vehicles over the years. Well, long story short--he still never worked and was never able to support himself. Always found some girl to live with that would support him for a while until he stole from her or her kids and sold or pawned things for money.
How do you know he is clean? Are they testing him? Urine tests are easy to beat and some sober houses have managers that are in it for the money and don't keep protocal.
You shouldn't feel badly for telling him it's over because he doesn't believe you. He knows you will give again and again unless you finally reach your limit like we did. As soon as we totally cut our son off he disappeared and has been MIA for 5 months.
We were the queen and king of enablers and he knew what to say to get his way. He was a master manipulator and liar! Since we stopped enabling, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off us and we have a life again! Yes--I still think about him and wonder if he is ok and I still jump when the phone rings but each day it gets easier and better. I am still his mom--
The best thing you can do is stay on this forum and read the posts of people that have gone through all this. Attend some meetings like Narconon or Alanon to help you know what to do and talk to people that have gone through what you are going through.
You didn't cause his problem can't cure it and can't fix it! Only he can change his life and make choices. You can't make him work or stay on track and you certainly shouldn't have to take care of and support a 33 year old adult male until the day you die!
Prayers for you and to keep you strong!--Lori
I have a 45 y/o addict and he never works! He has said the exact same things your son said and used the same excuses. We always believed he was sober or clean and so we would pay the rent and food and even have bought him 5 vehicles over the years. Well, long story short--he still never worked and was never able to support himself. Always found some girl to live with that would support him for a while until he stole from her or her kids and sold or pawned things for money.
How do you know he is clean? Are they testing him? Urine tests are easy to beat and some sober houses have managers that are in it for the money and don't keep protocal.
You shouldn't feel badly for telling him it's over because he doesn't believe you. He knows you will give again and again unless you finally reach your limit like we did. As soon as we totally cut our son off he disappeared and has been MIA for 5 months.
We were the queen and king of enablers and he knew what to say to get his way. He was a master manipulator and liar! Since we stopped enabling, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off us and we have a life again! Yes--I still think about him and wonder if he is ok and I still jump when the phone rings but each day it gets easier and better. I am still his mom--
The best thing you can do is stay on this forum and read the posts of people that have gone through all this. Attend some meetings like Narconon or Alanon to help you know what to do and talk to people that have gone through what you are going through.
You didn't cause his problem can't cure it and can't fix it! Only he can change his life and make choices. You can't make him work or stay on track and you certainly shouldn't have to take care of and support a 33 year old adult male until the day you die!
Prayers for you and to keep you strong!--Lori
Hi Kelly, Im sad reading your post and so sorry you lost a son 10 yrs ago in an accident. It's good you found this website because your in a good place coming here. We all try to help each other get through the bad days. You are asking "When to let go" and I would have to say now! Him being nasty to you is what we've all been through with our addicts. It's like someone writes a script then hands it out to each of them on how and when to say what when they need money. Because I've heard the same things over the years. I've been going through this for 17 yrs. My addict was 17 yrs old when she started on heroin. She's 34yrs old and "meant" to be off drugs just now but I don't know anymore. I think I've got bitter and angry but I guess that comes from frustration and being hurt for so long. I was told that enabling was doing anything that stops them standing on their own two feet. Any money you give them could be going for drugs. You can't trust them. They will lie and steal from you and anything else they can get away with to get money for drugs. Hide your valuables because they can vanish too. Going to rehabs doesn't always solve the problem...it is hopeful but nothing is full-proof,sad to say! Best thing you can do is take care of you in order to maintain your sanity while your going through this. Others will come on and advise you and I hope it easies you some. Read more posts on here too. They helped me cope and you'll find ones similar to your own at times. Drug addiction is something us mothers can't control or cure. Take care Kelly. I pray things will get better for you and your son. Mary
Kelly,
I, like many others on here, understand how you feel. My son is a 30 year old heroin addict, currently clean because of jail. I'll probably be going through this same thing in a couple months because my son is leaving jail to go to rehab next week. He wants to be able to come to our home after rehab because he doesn't have anywhere to go and that's just not happening. Our sons are both old enough to be figuring it out on their own. Let me ask you this, if you were to lose a job, couldn't pay your bills, etc..., who would be bailing you out? If it were me and my husband, the answer is no one. We aren't doing our sons any favors by taking care of things that they should be doing. So, yes, it's time to give up, at least with the enabling. There are resources available and there are jobs. Let me guess, he won't work at fast food. Mine won't.
Take care of yourself. You are not responsible for taking care of your adult son.
God bless,
Michelle
I, like many others on here, understand how you feel. My son is a 30 year old heroin addict, currently clean because of jail. I'll probably be going through this same thing in a couple months because my son is leaving jail to go to rehab next week. He wants to be able to come to our home after rehab because he doesn't have anywhere to go and that's just not happening. Our sons are both old enough to be figuring it out on their own. Let me ask you this, if you were to lose a job, couldn't pay your bills, etc..., who would be bailing you out? If it were me and my husband, the answer is no one. We aren't doing our sons any favors by taking care of things that they should be doing. So, yes, it's time to give up, at least with the enabling. There are resources available and there are jobs. Let me guess, he won't work at fast food. Mine won't.
Take care of yourself. You are not responsible for taking care of your adult son.
God bless,
Michelle
Thank you all, as I sit here crying I know you are all right. It really does help to talk to other in same situation. I truly wish none of you were going through any of this, but I thank God I found this site.
we have all been in your situation. its sad and frightening at times. my son has spent the last 2 years trying to get back on his feet. twice in rehab, jobs, on and off using pain meds. he is a hard worker so he did have a job for 6 months that he walked to. he does not live at home. has no car. totaled his a year ago. In the past, we would have helped him get a new car.... no more. we have helped and helped. I have also paid things without telling dad.... another terrible situation to get into. I hate the feeling of lying and keeping secrets.
he has not been able to get away from the others in recovery who are still using. so the last many months have been on and off. and he got behind in rent and we do pay for the phone on our plan.
he really wants to stop using pain meds and has decided it isn't going to happen where he is living. maybe temptation is too great. too many in recovery. too many od'ing everyday.
now he is staying with a relative for a few months - so theres no pressure of rent and food. and theres no drugs so he has been about a month clean. after the holidays he will come back home. we will have to learn to trust and to learn from past mistakes and not enable AT ALL. he will have to get job and we will have to drive him to work initially. it will be rough for all of us. I think he needed a break out of the environment of using.
hoping he will go to meetings, get into a program of some sort, etc....
he has not been able to get away from the others in recovery who are still using. so the last many months have been on and off. and he got behind in rent and we do pay for the phone on our plan.
he really wants to stop using pain meds and has decided it isn't going to happen where he is living. maybe temptation is too great. too many in recovery. too many od'ing everyday.
now he is staying with a relative for a few months - so theres no pressure of rent and food. and theres no drugs so he has been about a month clean. after the holidays he will come back home. we will have to learn to trust and to learn from past mistakes and not enable AT ALL. he will have to get job and we will have to drive him to work initially. it will be rough for all of us. I think he needed a break out of the environment of using.
hoping he will go to meetings, get into a program of some sort, etc....
I am so sorry Kellyp, that you lost your youngest son and now you are dealing with this. It's not right!! I too have all of these feelings about my son. It's gotten nasty between us too, as I seem to be the one he can so easily cut off and be ugly to. I ask myself a lot of times, why not just treat him the way he treats you, or treat him the way he treats his son? (He doesn't help with him at all) But, I am his mom...and I vowed when he was born to keep him safe...so I have felt like it's my job to help. It's so hard to say no...but I am doing it, finally, after 8 years of dealing with his addiction. It is torture!!! Right now, he is down in Florida about to be kicked out of his apartment he's only had since Aug., because he hasn't found a job and comes up with EVERY excuse as to why. He has literally NO ONE down there, so he's going to be on the street pretty soon!! But, I have to remind myself, he chose this!! I told him before he left to go to Tampa, that if he did, I cannot send him money...which I did go back on and have probably sent him a little over $100 since he's been gone. My ex husband has sent a LOT more than that...and of course it's all gone, with nothing to show for it. My son has a 3 year old son, whom he has left here with his mom to take care of him. He's never paid child support regularly...barely anything at all! It makes me so angry that he can just up and leave him. I don't want my grandson to start to realize this as he gets older and feel sad that his dad would rather have a drug than him. :( HOW DOES HE DO THAT?? HOW CAN HE LEAVE HIM???
I just wanted to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! One of the only things that gives me ANY comfort is that now, I can come here and feel NOT SO ALONE!! It's still hard and hurts like hell...but this place has been helping me to stay stronger and not give in! Thank all of you for your support!
Wishing you all a day of peace!! - Y
I just wanted to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! One of the only things that gives me ANY comfort is that now, I can come here and feel NOT SO ALONE!! It's still hard and hurts like hell...but this place has been helping me to stay stronger and not give in! Thank all of you for your support!
Wishing you all a day of peace!! - Y
Sorry for your problems but glad you found this website. It is good to hear from others that are in your shoes. It has been very helpful for me.
I have been fighting against my son's addition and enabling for over 20 years. Always trying to fix things and giving him fresh starts. I wanted him to be successful and happy in life. We have bought so many cars I have lost count and I don't understand about the job thing. It seems that none of them are able to work for long even when not using. I guess when they get things without effort, there is no need to try harder. Maybe it becomes a habit that is also hard to break. I do think that it becomes more difficult for them to find and keep jobs as time goes on. Employers want job history and can find all kinds of bad stuff on the Internet even if they aren't doing a background check.
The past few years have been really bad for us and I finally reached my limit. We were running around in circles doing the same things over and over with nothing changing. Things got worse no matter how hard I tried to make things better. It was really damaging my life in so many ways. My husband and I have also been at odds about the helping thing.
I understand why you paid the rent and the phone bill. It is hard not to help when they are actually trying and a person can't do much without a phone. I still pay my son's phone bill even though I know I shouldn't. I hope you paid the rent directly to the sober living place so he couldn't use it for something other than rent. It makes me wonder if your son is looking for an excuse to start using again or if he already is using and trying to justify it...'no one will hire me so I might as well go back to the way things were'... poor me. They don't want to admit that they just wanted to use again so they need an excuse to make it look better. They know how to manipulate by threatening and pushing our buttons to get what they want. I fell for it over and over but I am better able to recognize the behavior now. My son will switch mid-conversation if one tactic doesn't work. Get some books so you can identify the methods they use. It is eye opening!
I don't have answers for you really. I am struggling to stay detached from my son and stop enabling. I have the urge everyday to send money, but it would take us right back to where we were before and not really help him. It would be only a temporary fix for the problem and it would be never-ending cycle. I have to let go or the helping will kill me and him. It has adversely affected my health and finances as well as my relationships with other people. It is a thin line between helping and enabling...there are no really good answers. Unfortunately, either way will make you sad until he is able to make the necessary changes in his life so he can be more a part of yours. Circumstances often force us to detach, but that doesn't mean that they are not still in our hearts and minds everyday.
Feel free to come here to talk or vent. We all understand.
I have been fighting against my son's addition and enabling for over 20 years. Always trying to fix things and giving him fresh starts. I wanted him to be successful and happy in life. We have bought so many cars I have lost count and I don't understand about the job thing. It seems that none of them are able to work for long even when not using. I guess when they get things without effort, there is no need to try harder. Maybe it becomes a habit that is also hard to break. I do think that it becomes more difficult for them to find and keep jobs as time goes on. Employers want job history and can find all kinds of bad stuff on the Internet even if they aren't doing a background check.
The past few years have been really bad for us and I finally reached my limit. We were running around in circles doing the same things over and over with nothing changing. Things got worse no matter how hard I tried to make things better. It was really damaging my life in so many ways. My husband and I have also been at odds about the helping thing.
I understand why you paid the rent and the phone bill. It is hard not to help when they are actually trying and a person can't do much without a phone. I still pay my son's phone bill even though I know I shouldn't. I hope you paid the rent directly to the sober living place so he couldn't use it for something other than rent. It makes me wonder if your son is looking for an excuse to start using again or if he already is using and trying to justify it...'no one will hire me so I might as well go back to the way things were'... poor me. They don't want to admit that they just wanted to use again so they need an excuse to make it look better. They know how to manipulate by threatening and pushing our buttons to get what they want. I fell for it over and over but I am better able to recognize the behavior now. My son will switch mid-conversation if one tactic doesn't work. Get some books so you can identify the methods they use. It is eye opening!
I don't have answers for you really. I am struggling to stay detached from my son and stop enabling. I have the urge everyday to send money, but it would take us right back to where we were before and not really help him. It would be only a temporary fix for the problem and it would be never-ending cycle. I have to let go or the helping will kill me and him. It has adversely affected my health and finances as well as my relationships with other people. It is a thin line between helping and enabling...there are no really good answers. Unfortunately, either way will make you sad until he is able to make the necessary changes in his life so he can be more a part of yours. Circumstances often force us to detach, but that doesn't mean that they are not still in our hearts and minds everyday.
Feel free to come here to talk or vent. We all understand.
I had to get up this morning and reread ALL of the responses, I actually went to work and printed them out and I'm going to put them on my bathroom mirror, refrigerator, etc.. I know I'm weak and the only way I can stay strong is to reread these things.
I really do fill like I'm dying inside. I've been looking around on the sight all day, work should not be paying me. lol. I read these stories and I can't imagine 8,10,15,30 years of this. Some of the stuff is so much worse then I have it. Children getting physical with their parents, I can't imagine that.
My son is a MASTER manipulator and his weapon of choice is guilt, even though I'm not sure what I have to be guilty of. He doesn't even really cuss at me, he just says things like - you are all I have - do you want me to be homeless - I'll just kill myself is that what you want?? Then you won't have to deal with me anymore. (of course this sends me into panic mode)
Then he talks about how this isn't his fault that he was suffering from pancreatitis and got hooked on pain pills. He's says don't you see I've lost everything and I've done what I was supposed to do and I still can seem to catch a break. I'm clean and I now see I have nothing and now I'm going to be homeless if you don't help me.
He's in Florida, the drug rehab capital of the world and I live in TN. The problem is I have help him on two different occasions when he got out of rehab. Lets be honest I've been supporting him for the last two years except when he is in rehab- rent, ele., water, phone, groceries, getting his car in running order and registered.
This last stint in rehab I didn't even know where he was because he had called me to ask me to send him a plane ticket and to move in with us (of course he was clean) I knew he wasn't and said no. Ok that's a lie my husband said NO but I had to tell him no. Anyways I didn't hear from him for 60 days. I kept calling and then one day the phone was disconnected and I cried myself to sleep ever night. Then 2 months later he called me but only because he needed to get into sober living. When I said I can't believe you have been in rehab while I've been going out of my mind thinking you were dead! And he said "well I haven't been in a good place mentally" I thought really really neither have I. I know this was some form of punishment to me for saying no.
In the end we did pay for the first month in sober living $800.00 plus groceries. Of course I justified doing this because he has never been willing to go to sober living and I thought this was a good sign, he realized he needed structure. Of course that's what he told me, that he was REALLY serious this time he even had stayed 60 day in rehab not the normal 30. Within a week he had a job and I was so excited because I thought OMG he has really turned a corner but then 5 weeks later the company closed (I knew the number and they really had gone out of business I checked because I don't believe a thing he says) So from that moment on it went back to - pay my rent, bus pass, food. And if I says anything he just starts all over with how can I leave him homeless and hungry or he'll say maybe i'll kill myself. I feel like I'm being held hostage.
While I'm writing this I think My God what is wrong with me, how can I be so stupid how do I fall for all of this over and over.....it's crazy.
thank you all for listening to my rant. I'll be praying for all of us.
I really do fill like I'm dying inside. I've been looking around on the sight all day, work should not be paying me. lol. I read these stories and I can't imagine 8,10,15,30 years of this. Some of the stuff is so much worse then I have it. Children getting physical with their parents, I can't imagine that.
My son is a MASTER manipulator and his weapon of choice is guilt, even though I'm not sure what I have to be guilty of. He doesn't even really cuss at me, he just says things like - you are all I have - do you want me to be homeless - I'll just kill myself is that what you want?? Then you won't have to deal with me anymore. (of course this sends me into panic mode)
Then he talks about how this isn't his fault that he was suffering from pancreatitis and got hooked on pain pills. He's says don't you see I've lost everything and I've done what I was supposed to do and I still can seem to catch a break. I'm clean and I now see I have nothing and now I'm going to be homeless if you don't help me.
He's in Florida, the drug rehab capital of the world and I live in TN. The problem is I have help him on two different occasions when he got out of rehab. Lets be honest I've been supporting him for the last two years except when he is in rehab- rent, ele., water, phone, groceries, getting his car in running order and registered.
This last stint in rehab I didn't even know where he was because he had called me to ask me to send him a plane ticket and to move in with us (of course he was clean) I knew he wasn't and said no. Ok that's a lie my husband said NO but I had to tell him no. Anyways I didn't hear from him for 60 days. I kept calling and then one day the phone was disconnected and I cried myself to sleep ever night. Then 2 months later he called me but only because he needed to get into sober living. When I said I can't believe you have been in rehab while I've been going out of my mind thinking you were dead! And he said "well I haven't been in a good place mentally" I thought really really neither have I. I know this was some form of punishment to me for saying no.
In the end we did pay for the first month in sober living $800.00 plus groceries. Of course I justified doing this because he has never been willing to go to sober living and I thought this was a good sign, he realized he needed structure. Of course that's what he told me, that he was REALLY serious this time he even had stayed 60 day in rehab not the normal 30. Within a week he had a job and I was so excited because I thought OMG he has really turned a corner but then 5 weeks later the company closed (I knew the number and they really had gone out of business I checked because I don't believe a thing he says) So from that moment on it went back to - pay my rent, bus pass, food. And if I says anything he just starts all over with how can I leave him homeless and hungry or he'll say maybe i'll kill myself. I feel like I'm being held hostage.
While I'm writing this I think My God what is wrong with me, how can I be so stupid how do I fall for all of this over and over.....it's crazy.
thank you all for listening to my rant. I'll be praying for all of us.
By the way, you were talking about the rant you had about cutting him off and how it was affecting you so it had to stop, etc. Your last time to send him money...and so on. Those may not be your exact words, but I have had that same rant many times and felt guilty afterwards when I was no longer angry. Somewhere I read that cycle has a name but I don't remember what it is called..anger / regret / guilt / giving in once again. I finally reached my 'bottom' I guess you could say. I just couldn't enable another time. I finally realized that I had to do something else other than rant and wait for him to change. 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'. I was exhausted by it all and finally felt the helplessness of the situation. There was nothing I could do to change things! Surprise...all that time I thought what I did made a difference. :( I did not want to be doing this same thing until I died. I could see the writing on the wall. I kept explaining to him what I needed, but he kept seeing only what he needed. Waiting around for him to start helping himself and to voluntarily stop asking me was an futile thing. It was never going to stop unless I stopped it so I made a decision to change things. It is not an easy thing to do.
Thanks, it is so hard. I'm scared all the time I can remember the last time I was truly relaxed and happy. Part of me is always waiting and worrying I hate planning anything with my family because it's always the elephant in the room. I'm actually jealous of my best friend because she has two great kids. And I feel like this isn't fair I've lost one already and I'm just waiting to get the news I've lost another one. We have talked about it because we are best friend (since we were 9) and she really is my rock. We can actually laugh about it a little because her son is a DEA agent how funny is that.
This web-site has really help because I feel like all of you really know how I feel.
keeping all of you in my prayers.
This web-site has really help because I feel like all of you really know how I feel.
keeping all of you in my prayers.
Kelly,
You talked about feeling held hostage. If you've read even a dozen stories on here, you know it's a common feeling. Our addicts are master manipulators and they do know how to hold you hostage until you make that decision to detach. The threat of suicide is a common thread as well. I tell my son I will not be held hostage with his threats of suicide any longer and I'll hang up if I'm on the phone with him or I'll leave if I'm visiting him, etc... My son was homeless for about 5 months a year and a half ago. It was not easy to see him like that but even then, the drugs won out over food, shelter, you name it. Even now, when I feel weak or feel sorry for my son, I come here and remember that his life is exactly the way he has made it and it can start being different as soon as he wants it to be different. Hang in there and keep coming back!
Michelle
You talked about feeling held hostage. If you've read even a dozen stories on here, you know it's a common feeling. Our addicts are master manipulators and they do know how to hold you hostage until you make that decision to detach. The threat of suicide is a common thread as well. I tell my son I will not be held hostage with his threats of suicide any longer and I'll hang up if I'm on the phone with him or I'll leave if I'm visiting him, etc... My son was homeless for about 5 months a year and a half ago. It was not easy to see him like that but even then, the drugs won out over food, shelter, you name it. Even now, when I feel weak or feel sorry for my son, I come here and remember that his life is exactly the way he has made it and it can start being different as soon as he wants it to be different. Hang in there and keep coming back!
Michelle
Kelly - OMG - you could be telling my story, my son.... not that many years but definitely you hit every nail ...... even - reading this website at work - a few months ago felt like I was addicted to this website! ---- Yeah, I'm there with you.... constant problem solving...
getting late ... gotta sleep.... think of positive information to say to him.... tell him to go to meetings, umm..... is he clean in sober living? if he is, then we are able to help - can you and his dad share the rent amount? if he is not in sober living, keep telling him to go back to sober living - they can help him - go to meetings - keep with a program - if he is serious he will go back, if he is not serious he will not go back, but you can feel good by giving him good advice. It is up to him to take it or not take it.
getting late ... gotta sleep.... think of positive information to say to him.... tell him to go to meetings, umm..... is he clean in sober living? if he is, then we are able to help - can you and his dad share the rent amount? if he is not in sober living, keep telling him to go back to sober living - they can help him - go to meetings - keep with a program - if he is serious he will go back, if he is not serious he will not go back, but you can feel good by giving him good advice. It is up to him to take it or not take it.
As I read all of this, I can't help but tear up! I am not the parent of an addict...I am an adult addict in recovery. I am now 43, but have been in active addiction since I was 27 after I broke my back and had multiple surgeries, tons of pills and then graduated to heroin.
I have been married all of my active addiction and have put my husband and my parents through hell. They cleaned up my messes, paid for rehab, sober living, clothes, food..whatever I needed...until they stopped. At first, when they stopped enableing, I actually thought they were kidding! It took a good year before I realized I was on my own. and guess what? I figured it out!!!
Every time they took care of my responsibilities, it made me think that I was not able to do it myself. Their helping me actually shook my confidence in myself.
They finally stopped offering me suggestions and began to answer my pleas for help with "What do you think you should do?" and "What is one thing you could do today that would help you reach your goals". They began to put the respnsibility for my life on ME, where it belonged.
I also just want to put in a disclaimer. I tried rehab inpatient four times, I went to 12 step meetings for years and never "got it". My failure at treatment made me feel like a failure until one very wise counselor suggested I try Methadone maintenance. I KNOW the stigma this invokes in most people, but for me, it saved my life! I have been on MMT for three years with no other drugs...ever! NO relapses, no pot, no benzos, no anything but strict adherence to the program. I also found Smart Recovery to be very helpful. For those who do not jive with the 12 step philosophy, I urge you to find what works for you and not listen to the stigma of certain treatments. The disease of addiction is like the disease of diabetes or hypertension. Some patients just need lifestyle changes like exercise (sort of like 12 step programs), some need medication (like methadone or suboxone) and some need both (like medication and a simultanious 12 step, smart recovery etc.)
If I can answer any questions from the addict perspective, let me know! Also, though we addicts can say some pretty harsh things to the ones who love us the most, please know deep in your heart that it is the drugs and the disease of addiction talking. When we emerge from active addiction, it is knowing these things we did that breaks our hearts. We DO love you even though we, at that particular moment in our addiction, may not be able to show it!
I have been married all of my active addiction and have put my husband and my parents through hell. They cleaned up my messes, paid for rehab, sober living, clothes, food..whatever I needed...until they stopped. At first, when they stopped enableing, I actually thought they were kidding! It took a good year before I realized I was on my own. and guess what? I figured it out!!!
Every time they took care of my responsibilities, it made me think that I was not able to do it myself. Their helping me actually shook my confidence in myself.
They finally stopped offering me suggestions and began to answer my pleas for help with "What do you think you should do?" and "What is one thing you could do today that would help you reach your goals". They began to put the respnsibility for my life on ME, where it belonged.
I also just want to put in a disclaimer. I tried rehab inpatient four times, I went to 12 step meetings for years and never "got it". My failure at treatment made me feel like a failure until one very wise counselor suggested I try Methadone maintenance. I KNOW the stigma this invokes in most people, but for me, it saved my life! I have been on MMT for three years with no other drugs...ever! NO relapses, no pot, no benzos, no anything but strict adherence to the program. I also found Smart Recovery to be very helpful. For those who do not jive with the 12 step philosophy, I urge you to find what works for you and not listen to the stigma of certain treatments. The disease of addiction is like the disease of diabetes or hypertension. Some patients just need lifestyle changes like exercise (sort of like 12 step programs), some need medication (like methadone or suboxone) and some need both (like medication and a simultanious 12 step, smart recovery etc.)
If I can answer any questions from the addict perspective, let me know! Also, though we addicts can say some pretty harsh things to the ones who love us the most, please know deep in your heart that it is the drugs and the disease of addiction talking. When we emerge from active addiction, it is knowing these things we did that breaks our hearts. We DO love you even though we, at that particular moment in our addiction, may not be able to show it!
Kellyp - On one of your posts you said that you printed out responses and taped them to your refrigerator, mirror, etc... to help you... So I wanted to share one that has helped me...I think it was Constantine who said it, in a response on one of the threads...and I have printed it off and taped it to the bottom of my computer monitor so I can see it all day. It says "You're gonna help him to death, if you don't let go." This struck a chord with me...and I thought maybe it would help you.
Wishing you a peaceful day! - Y
Wishing you a peaceful day! - Y
Thanks Mom Of K I need all the inspiration I can get.
I completely agree with not enabling. I think if I knew all that I know now, 3 years ago, I would not have enabled at all and it would not have gotten this out of hand.. the problem was that we did not know the scope of what we were dealing with until it was full blown...
I understand the financial burden - we have been in the trenches for 2 - 3 years. this last year with minimal enabling. Now, our son is at a relative's home where he can dry out and not be around drugs, and not stress about food and shelter. He is doing fine. no behavior problems. he is bored. It has been a month. he is trying to decide where to go after this and where to find a job.....
I am seeing that this 'dry time' is needed... I know it is not supposed to be our problem to solve, but our loved one is not capable of stepping up the plate and being the adult we want them to be.. if they were capable, they would have been doing it.... guess that is where the idea of disease comes in...
Kelly - what you do is up to you. I would error on the side of --> if he is clean and sober at sober living, find a way to keep him there for as long as possible. Talk to the admissions staff at the sober living and see if you can pay partial rent and your son pays the rest... see if they have a payment plan that they would offer to (your son) a person who does not have family members to help them pay. The sober living house my son lived at for 5 months had a program like this. It was $800 per mo, when my son found it too high to pay with his low paying job, I paid $200 per mo. my son said others were paying with insurance, but the admissions said some were paying their own way and some arrange a payment plan that they pay off when they are working more. but it is for guys who are very serious about staying clean and staying at the house.
They do want your son to show participation, and to show awareness and responsibility for the situation he is in.....
If he is in sober living and not using, I would tell him you will help with rent but he has to do everything else. and as the months go by and he has a job, you will help less w rent. keep telling him to stay there, they can help, go to meetings.
Again it depends on them - my son should have stayed at the sober living - it was a good place with a very good staff. some of them are not good at all - so you have to consider that.
dont give in and buy a car. let him deal with public transportation. my son has an aversion to public transportation. idk if it is bc he thinks it is beneath him or if he is afraid of it bc he does not know which bus to get on or where it goes... I also think he exaggerates the story to get my sympathy..
Another thing I would say to your son: explain that the holidays are going to be stressful, you need him to stay at sober living so everyone can get thru the holidays. ask him to do it for you - to participate in the programs and get a job even if it is part time, etc, and then see how things are going after the holidays. tell him he is there in sober living in order to learn skills that he needs to stay clean and take care of himself. you and dad are not going to be doing it forever and you want him to learn sooner than later. the longer we can be in a position of not enabling, the better it is for us, and the less it is expected.
PS - my husband sounds similar to yours. will do anything for the kid as long as he's not using drugs -- otherwise - very little compassion - no help problem solving - I cant share much information.... yeah - just wants the kid to snap out of it and go to work.
can you and your husband go to NarAnon meetings - my husband and I went for over a year. It helped tremendously to keep us on the same page and to give us suggestions, etc --- we would drive to the meeting talking about the problem of the week, then talk about the problem at the meeting, hear suggestions, develop a plan of action on the way home from the meeting..... it is still slow going.... but it saves your sanity and gives YOU coping skills!
sorry for my long posts.
I understand the financial burden - we have been in the trenches for 2 - 3 years. this last year with minimal enabling. Now, our son is at a relative's home where he can dry out and not be around drugs, and not stress about food and shelter. He is doing fine. no behavior problems. he is bored. It has been a month. he is trying to decide where to go after this and where to find a job.....
I am seeing that this 'dry time' is needed... I know it is not supposed to be our problem to solve, but our loved one is not capable of stepping up the plate and being the adult we want them to be.. if they were capable, they would have been doing it.... guess that is where the idea of disease comes in...
Kelly - what you do is up to you. I would error on the side of --> if he is clean and sober at sober living, find a way to keep him there for as long as possible. Talk to the admissions staff at the sober living and see if you can pay partial rent and your son pays the rest... see if they have a payment plan that they would offer to (your son) a person who does not have family members to help them pay. The sober living house my son lived at for 5 months had a program like this. It was $800 per mo, when my son found it too high to pay with his low paying job, I paid $200 per mo. my son said others were paying with insurance, but the admissions said some were paying their own way and some arrange a payment plan that they pay off when they are working more. but it is for guys who are very serious about staying clean and staying at the house.
They do want your son to show participation, and to show awareness and responsibility for the situation he is in.....
If he is in sober living and not using, I would tell him you will help with rent but he has to do everything else. and as the months go by and he has a job, you will help less w rent. keep telling him to stay there, they can help, go to meetings.
Again it depends on them - my son should have stayed at the sober living - it was a good place with a very good staff. some of them are not good at all - so you have to consider that.
dont give in and buy a car. let him deal with public transportation. my son has an aversion to public transportation. idk if it is bc he thinks it is beneath him or if he is afraid of it bc he does not know which bus to get on or where it goes... I also think he exaggerates the story to get my sympathy..
Another thing I would say to your son: explain that the holidays are going to be stressful, you need him to stay at sober living so everyone can get thru the holidays. ask him to do it for you - to participate in the programs and get a job even if it is part time, etc, and then see how things are going after the holidays. tell him he is there in sober living in order to learn skills that he needs to stay clean and take care of himself. you and dad are not going to be doing it forever and you want him to learn sooner than later. the longer we can be in a position of not enabling, the better it is for us, and the less it is expected.
PS - my husband sounds similar to yours. will do anything for the kid as long as he's not using drugs -- otherwise - very little compassion - no help problem solving - I cant share much information.... yeah - just wants the kid to snap out of it and go to work.
can you and your husband go to NarAnon meetings - my husband and I went for over a year. It helped tremendously to keep us on the same page and to give us suggestions, etc --- we would drive to the meeting talking about the problem of the week, then talk about the problem at the meeting, hear suggestions, develop a plan of action on the way home from the meeting..... it is still slow going.... but it saves your sanity and gives YOU coping skills!
sorry for my long posts.
NY,
Thank you for saying what has been on my mind, that I haven't expressed. I feel very much the same way, in wondering how someone is supposed to go from zero to having a job, a place to live, etc... My son doesn't even have a drivers license and he's 30. So, even if he does complete this rehab program he's in, when he gets done, he'll have no where to live, no job, no vehicle and will have to complete the rest of this program which consists of 5 NA meetings a week, random drug screens, recovery court every other week and getting a job. I have absolutely no idea how that is going to work. Even if I wanted him to stay with us, it wouldn't work. We live in the country and both work. Unfortunately, we don't have any sober living facilities in our city. I don't know.... I guess I'll play it by ear but I see how hard this is going to be logistically, let alone staying sober the entire time.
Glad to hear your son is doing good.
Michelle
Thank you for saying what has been on my mind, that I haven't expressed. I feel very much the same way, in wondering how someone is supposed to go from zero to having a job, a place to live, etc... My son doesn't even have a drivers license and he's 30. So, even if he does complete this rehab program he's in, when he gets done, he'll have no where to live, no job, no vehicle and will have to complete the rest of this program which consists of 5 NA meetings a week, random drug screens, recovery court every other week and getting a job. I have absolutely no idea how that is going to work. Even if I wanted him to stay with us, it wouldn't work. We live in the country and both work. Unfortunately, we don't have any sober living facilities in our city. I don't know.... I guess I'll play it by ear but I see how hard this is going to be logistically, let alone staying sober the entire time.
Glad to hear your son is doing good.
Michelle
I shortened my previous post, but it is still very long!
We are bracing ourselves for our son to come back home. He has been in FL for 2 years and has failed to launch. at this time we are looking for the least expensive situation. I hope he stays where he is for a few more months. (he is just with a relative, not going to meetings or in a program.) if he does come home my husband does not want him driving our cars, and does not want him on our insurance. he has had accidents so his insurance is too high anyway.... but son does not understand - just thinks we are trying to make things difficult for him because he thinks we dont want him to come home.... and so on.. we are OK with him coming home, just not all the problems..... wondering who, what, and where he is, not coming home til after midnight, WE need to sleep.
Same about a job.... it will take a while to find one, we both work, we cant drive him around until after 5 or 6pm. my husband works a lot of over time, so he is not dependable for appointments..... I know we can figure it out, but not perfectly at first.
your son is in a typical situation. it seems like a set up for failure....
It takes a creative person to figure out the logistics that will work, AND our sons have to put their heads down and deal with it, in order to work their way to a better, sober life. THAT is the key they are missing.
We are bracing ourselves for our son to come back home. He has been in FL for 2 years and has failed to launch. at this time we are looking for the least expensive situation. I hope he stays where he is for a few more months. (he is just with a relative, not going to meetings or in a program.) if he does come home my husband does not want him driving our cars, and does not want him on our insurance. he has had accidents so his insurance is too high anyway.... but son does not understand - just thinks we are trying to make things difficult for him because he thinks we dont want him to come home.... and so on.. we are OK with him coming home, just not all the problems..... wondering who, what, and where he is, not coming home til after midnight, WE need to sleep.
Same about a job.... it will take a while to find one, we both work, we cant drive him around until after 5 or 6pm. my husband works a lot of over time, so he is not dependable for appointments..... I know we can figure it out, but not perfectly at first.
your son is in a typical situation. it seems like a set up for failure....
It takes a creative person to figure out the logistics that will work, AND our sons have to put their heads down and deal with it, in order to work their way to a better, sober life. THAT is the key they are missing.
