Can someone please help me? I've been married to a binge cocaine user for almost 7 years. On the outside our life seems normal. But every now and then he "snaps" (as he calls it) and goes out looking for drugs. He has given away thousands of dollars worth of jewelry and cash over the years, plus he's been arrested and is on probation for 5 years because he was caught with some shady caracters last year. This past January was his all time low. He spent 2 days on a bender in a crack house. During all of this he has been seeing a counselor and is on Prozac. He has been clean and sober since January. Last week his counselor suggested meeting him after work in a different office - one that is in the town that he used to get drugs. I thought it was a bad idea and told him but he didn't listen. After his appointment, he thew away his sobriety and went looking for drugs. This past week he told me he was working late because he didn't want me to know he was going to see his counselor again after work. Well, once again he went looking for drugs after the appointment and wound up giving away his watch, necklace and had his truck stolen in the process! Can somebody just tell me am I wasting my life with him or is there hope if he starts following the program and goes to NA meetings? I am a hopeless optimist and love him. I cannot see how he can be willing to start this nightmare again after all we've been through. Somebody please give me some advise. My counselor says his chances of recovering are slim but I truly believe if someone wants something bad enough they can do it. Please help me. Thank you!
It is very hard to love someone who is so very addicted. I am in the same boat myself. You love them but want to shake them at the same time. I do know though that if you are suffering due to his behavior, you have to make a decision. What is healthiest for you? Do you see yourself going through this for the rest of your life? It is a life long illness. The question is are you strong enough to go through with it? Best of luck.
I'm going through it myself..the thing is the counselor is right, the chances of him quitting forever is slim. He needs to want to quit using very badly and do everything he can to stop. My boyfriend wants to quit really bad too but sometimes the addiction overtakes that. They don't just choose to do it, its a need, an addiction..thats what I learned a while ago. As soon as he gets money, he goes and does crack and spends most of it on that drug. He can't help himself, as soon as he gets that money in his hands, the urge to use just overcomes him. I love him but I wouldn't be able to stay with him. He's going to a year long rehab program right away with a 86% recovery rate. Thats the only reason I'm hanging in there. Otherwise, if your boyfriend doesn't seek help you need to ask yourself if you can live like this forever, one month rehab programs only have a 5% recovery rate and he needs to want to quit more than his addiction to the drug in order to overcome this.
I hope that this counsellor, does not deal with Drug addiction. Telling someone that there chances of recovery are slim is very self defeating. I am a recovering addict and I work with addicts in recovery and they need alot of treatment however, I would never make any remark that would cause them to lose hope as in the beginning of our road to recovery we need hope. First of all, I agree with you going to see his councellor in an area that he finds drugs is plain insanity. He needs to find a new counsellor in a different area, or talk to the counsellor he has about this problem. I was addicted for over 28 years to Heroin and Cocaine. I tried everything under the sun to get off drugs and failed each time. This last time I decided that I would seek long term treatment, and do whatever it took. The program that helped me the most was NA. I have been in detox centres, recovery homes, treatment centres...you name it. I decided to go to 12 step meetings and I have managed to stay clean a number of years. I went to two a day for the first 6 months, then one a day for about 18 months and now I go about 3 to 4 times a week. There is no quick fix for recovery, it is a life long commitment to living free of drugs, and working on the behaviours. It has nothing to do with Willpower, and every thing to do with Willingness. Having said all that, you might want to go to AL-anon, or Nar-anon for yourself. You will receive the help and support you need to deal effectively in a relationship with an addict. You can not help him, you need to help yourself. You can not change his actions, you can only change the way you react to his actions. God Bless
Hi Kim,
I wish I had comforting words of wisdom for you, but I don't today. I know how dissapointed and disillusioned you must feel right now and it's completely understandable.
When will it stop? God only knows.
Try to find solace in prayer, try to understand the lesson He's trying to teach you... Sometimes, when things like this happen, after the initial blow to our lives, we are able to rise above and find a higher & deeper meaning. You know how high my opinion of you is, so please understand that I'm dissapointed too. You deserve so much better...
Good luck & God Bless!
JC
I wish I had comforting words of wisdom for you, but I don't today. I know how dissapointed and disillusioned you must feel right now and it's completely understandable.
When will it stop? God only knows.
Try to find solace in prayer, try to understand the lesson He's trying to teach you... Sometimes, when things like this happen, after the initial blow to our lives, we are able to rise above and find a higher & deeper meaning. You know how high my opinion of you is, so please understand that I'm dissapointed too. You deserve so much better...
Good luck & God Bless!
JC
Dear Kim
You asked will it ever stop? Hate to tell you this but no. Recovery from addiction is a life long committment. The drug use may be put into remission but the disease is still there. Learning a new way to cope with reality is an important coping skill that has help my CH. I was just at a CA Anniversary and there were people there with 15 years clean time. They said they still wanted to use. But they knew that all it takes is one hit and they would be back to their full blown addiction.Here are several links for both of you:-
Cocaine Anonymous (for the addict)
http://www.ca.org/
Narcotics Anonymous (for the addict)
http://www.na.org/
Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/
Al-Anon (for the spouse friend or family of )
http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/
Nar-Anon (for the spouse, friend or family of)
http://www.naranon.com/about/whatis.html
Good luck on the path to recovery
lildee
You asked will it ever stop? Hate to tell you this but no. Recovery from addiction is a life long committment. The drug use may be put into remission but the disease is still there. Learning a new way to cope with reality is an important coping skill that has help my CH. I was just at a CA Anniversary and there were people there with 15 years clean time. They said they still wanted to use. But they knew that all it takes is one hit and they would be back to their full blown addiction.Here are several links for both of you:-
Cocaine Anonymous (for the addict)
http://www.ca.org/
Narcotics Anonymous (for the addict)
http://www.na.org/
Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/
Al-Anon (for the spouse friend or family of )
http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/
Nar-Anon (for the spouse, friend or family of)
http://www.naranon.com/about/whatis.html
Good luck on the path to recovery
lildee
Dear Kim, I am the other Kim that comes here I just changes my screen name to Kim V to avoid confusion between us, I read your post and I feel the same pain you do, My husband is a addict as well, He is doing really good right now he has been clean for over 60 days. He goes through a lot of with drawl symptoms, I feel so bad for him some days because i know what it is even if he doesn't say.I wish I had some comforting words for you. I still get scared if he will not answer his phone when I call, I hope that will go away because it is horrible to always be scared of the relapse.Just the other day he cell phone battery died I couldn't get him on the phone and the first thing I though was he went on a binder, but he came pulling in the driveway at the usual time and all was forgotten until the next time.He is doing really good right now he wants to get better I know that for sure, Does your guy think he has a problem?He needs to help himself, you can't fix him, I thought I could fix my husband but I realize he has to want to get better, and not until can he stop.We go to church and pray alot for help from god, I will keeep you in my prayers as well sweetie I hope things get better for you, Kepp coming and talking here it really helps me a lot. God Bless, Kim V
Kim,
I am a member of NA. It has absolutely changed my life. NA is the only thing that has ever worked for me. Willingness is what I see as most important. If one does not have willingness than there is 0 that can be done. It must be difficult for you. It is a helpless feeling to watch someone you love spiral out of control. You are 100% powerless over his addiction. When he is honest and admits that he is 100% powerless over this cunning, baffling, and destructive addiction, is open minded to getting help and is willing to do what is neccessary to get clean the the is much hope for the future. If one keeps doing what they always did they will keep getting what they always got. Remember you deserve a good happy life. He is making the decision to fight a battle he cannot win the second he has that drink or drug. You will have to decide how long you are willing to choose to ride along the addiction roller coaster. Then set boundries accordingly. Ultimately your desicions are the only one's you have control over. And he will make the decisions that he chooses to make. I hope that he gets the help he needs. Along this path when a user thinks they have hit bottom and refuse to get help, the find that there is a trap door under that bottom
I am a member of NA. It has absolutely changed my life. NA is the only thing that has ever worked for me. Willingness is what I see as most important. If one does not have willingness than there is 0 that can be done. It must be difficult for you. It is a helpless feeling to watch someone you love spiral out of control. You are 100% powerless over his addiction. When he is honest and admits that he is 100% powerless over this cunning, baffling, and destructive addiction, is open minded to getting help and is willing to do what is neccessary to get clean the the is much hope for the future. If one keeps doing what they always did they will keep getting what they always got. Remember you deserve a good happy life. He is making the decision to fight a battle he cannot win the second he has that drink or drug. You will have to decide how long you are willing to choose to ride along the addiction roller coaster. Then set boundries accordingly. Ultimately your desicions are the only one's you have control over. And he will make the decisions that he chooses to make. I hope that he gets the help he needs. Along this path when a user thinks they have hit bottom and refuse to get help, the find that there is a trap door under that bottom