Hello all....as some have noticed I havent been around for a bit.Gosh this is really hard for me...Even after 2 years of being here Im still so scared to admit certain things.I dont know why,as Ive always had love & support from this place.
Well here it goes.......
Im in the middle of a MAJOR relapse.I have no excuse except to say I said....."The Heck with it"I let stress & pressures get to me & threw away all Ive worked for in my recovery.Guys this is so hard for me to write.
I am not trying to pass blame as I know its ME.When I had my surgery...I wasnt totally honest about things here.In the recovery room the nurse asked me not 1 or 2 times but at least 5 times if I wanted something for pain.I did keep saying I didnt want any narcs.i told her I would try toridal(sp)after about 20 minutes she asked again...Hun do you want some morphine....So like the a** I am I finally said yes.I want to say again I know the blame lays on me alone,but I will also say the pain I had & still have is so bad.Even now all I can eat is mashed potatos.Anyways,I knew better,I knew what would happen & it did.This FLOODGATE opened in me & I craved & craved & craved.To the point where I accepted the script for the lortabs.I said the hell with the Sub & Ive been on a binge.Guys I hate what Ive let myself do here.That is probaly one reason I havent been on here much.I just dont feel right given advice when Im usen as heavy as I am.
I am so so sorry if Ive let anyone down.Ive let myself & my family down
So now I dont know what to do??Stupid question huh?You would think...I got the Sub here just start over...get back on the bike & try again.Thats the scarest part for me....I dont even know if I want to try anymore.It seems like the ONLY time in my life Ive EVER felt right is when Im on something.So once again Im at a crossroad & dont know what I want to do.Do I want to try all over again?Do I want to feel this cold hard world?Do I want to stay on this merry go round I let myself back on?
Well I guess I felt as if I owed you all some sort of statement as to why I havent been here.Also though I will never mention the name there is one person from here that has been more help just by letting me talk & not doing anything but loving me & trying to help.When this person reads this I want them to know how much I love them & I only wish I was who they thought I was
with regret & a heavy heart...mj
Mollyjean, I just wanted to send hugs your way
Carol
Carol
hey mj
you say "ONLY time in my life Ive EVER felt right is when Im on something."
is that really true though? do you feel right?
if you feel right .... it's only for a little bit - and you're gonna start upping your dose, chasing that high, spend lots of money - and be exactly where you started. do you ever wake up in the mornings not being able to function without a pill ?? has it ever gotten to that point? i know that doesn't feel "right".
we love you unconditionally no matter what.
you'll stop when you've had enough. your will ... will guide you through it. and we are all here to talk.
you say "ONLY time in my life Ive EVER felt right is when Im on something."
is that really true though? do you feel right?
if you feel right .... it's only for a little bit - and you're gonna start upping your dose, chasing that high, spend lots of money - and be exactly where you started. do you ever wake up in the mornings not being able to function without a pill ?? has it ever gotten to that point? i know that doesn't feel "right".
we love you unconditionally no matter what.
you'll stop when you've had enough. your will ... will guide you through it. and we are all here to talk.
Molly, Don't beat yourself up over this. You have to pick yourself up dust yourself off and start again. I hate when I see good people like you with a great heart and so willing to help people even when you are down and out go through this. I can offer you all the support that I have but it might not be much seeing I am only 4 months into my recovery and this hurts me seeing you hurt. You have always been there with a kind for me and I am sorry you are going through this. Shantel
Molly, I am sorry that you are going through all this pain, both physically from your surgeries etc, and emotionally..
You have always been so upbeat for everyone, and even though you and I havent spoken much on the boards, I have always admired your positive attitude and ability to say the right things to people in need.
we are all here for you, without judgement or ridicule, most of us have relapsed ourselves, and know how that guilt feels.
Please dont beat yourself up about it, we know how strong you are, and you will, like shantel said, pick yourself up soon, and dust yourself off, and start again. We all have faith in you..
Good luck, feel better soon, and keep posting!
You have always been so upbeat for everyone, and even though you and I havent spoken much on the boards, I have always admired your positive attitude and ability to say the right things to people in need.
we are all here for you, without judgement or ridicule, most of us have relapsed ourselves, and know how that guilt feels.
Please dont beat yourself up about it, we know how strong you are, and you will, like shantel said, pick yourself up soon, and dust yourself off, and start again. We all have faith in you..
Good luck, feel better soon, and keep posting!
Hey, MJ, here's a thought. Instead of going back on sub, why not get off everything? I mean, if you are going to detox anyway, why not go all the way? Just a suggestion, honey. You CAN do it if you want it bad enough.
lovin ya
lovin ya
This is one of my favorites to post. We all know that feeling of regret when we relapse. I started going to the gym and have relapsed hardcore. It sounds small next to drug addiction but i have been there too. I don't think that sounds true about only feeling normal when you are on something. You are a caring loving person. From the sounds of your posts that IS you. So I don't agree with you there. But keep posting and talking there are people who post here who use even some that are in active addiction. Just remember all that is required is a DESIRE to quit. You will get that desire back once you get a little distance from those little deamons. I think I speak for most when we say we still love you.
START OVER
When you've trusted God and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way ...
Start over.
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why ...
Start over.
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And you're all alone and it's up to you ...
Start over.
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren come along ...
Start over.
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still ...
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill ...
Start over.
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it ...
Start over.
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you ...
Start over.
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "God's Will Done"
Don't just sit there ..............
START OVER
by Woodrow Kroll
START OVER
When you've trusted God and walked his way
When you've felt his hand lead you day by day
But your steps now take you another way ...
Start over.
When you've made your plans and they've gone awry
When you've tried your best and there's no more try
When you've failed yourself and you don't know why ...
Start over.
When you've told your friends what you plan to do
When you've trusted them and they didn't come through
And you're all alone and it's up to you ...
Start over.
When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone
When you've done your best but it's turned out wrong
And now your grandchildren come along ...
Start over.
When you've prayed to God so you'll know his will
When you've prayed and prayed and you don't know still ...
When you want to stop cause you've had your fill ...
Start over.
When you think you're finished and want to quit
When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit
When you've tried and tried to get out of it ...
Start over.
When the year has been long and successes few
When December comes and you're feeling blue
God gives a January just for you ...
Start over.
Starting over means "Victories Won"
Starting over means "A Race Well Run"
Starting over means "God's Will Done"
Don't just sit there ..............
START OVER
by Woodrow Kroll
MJ,im so sorry. I dont really know what to say,except we all care about you,no matter what!!!! Im sure your coming here,and opening up and admitting whats going on in your life is a huge weight off your shoulders.
Youre right,it is TOTALLY up to you...but...the fact that the meds were offered to you,espeically when you were in pain,especially when you were in such a vulnerable position, laying there being operated on,not knowing the results of the proceedure, must have been EXTREMELY hard to resist.In fact,it probably would have taken superwomen to have said"no thank you" but...now that youve "told on yourself"(as ive heard CG say numerous times)you know what the next steps are.We are all here for you,you know that.Dont be so down on yourself,we are only human.Just remember,youre not alone.Please let me know if theres anything i can do.I feel so bad for you right now,i know how hard you were working on your life and i KNOW you can do it again!~KIM
Youre right,it is TOTALLY up to you...but...the fact that the meds were offered to you,espeically when you were in pain,especially when you were in such a vulnerable position, laying there being operated on,not knowing the results of the proceedure, must have been EXTREMELY hard to resist.In fact,it probably would have taken superwomen to have said"no thank you" but...now that youve "told on yourself"(as ive heard CG say numerous times)you know what the next steps are.We are all here for you,you know that.Dont be so down on yourself,we are only human.Just remember,youre not alone.Please let me know if theres anything i can do.I feel so bad for you right now,i know how hard you were working on your life and i KNOW you can do it again!~KIM
M.J you had surgery. Let me tell you if a nurse came over to me and asked If I wanted morphine I would open the lock on my I.V and await the rush.
So you went on a little memory lane run. Get right back on the Sub. It will help you deal with the pain. Please try like 8-12 mg tops. If i remember you were on a lot of it.
Dont beat yourself up. Its not worth it. you have today. whatever you did in the past week means jack $hit. Its in the past.
How you handle today and tomorrow is whats important.
Hang in there--jeff
P.S are you feeling any better???
So you went on a little memory lane run. Get right back on the Sub. It will help you deal with the pain. Please try like 8-12 mg tops. If i remember you were on a lot of it.
Dont beat yourself up. Its not worth it. you have today. whatever you did in the past week means jack $hit. Its in the past.
How you handle today and tomorrow is whats important.
Hang in there--jeff
P.S are you feeling any better???
Justjane, that is so true, I love the poem.
MJ you are a wonderful person and I can't give any advice. All I can do is let you know that it changes nothing about what a wonderful person I believe you to be. You made me feel welcome when I was unsure, and gave me security when I was insecure. I love you unconditionally and I know you will get through this in your way and time. Dont beat yourself up!!! I am rooting for you, dont forget, email me whenever you want scorpionqueent@yahoo.com
MJ you are a wonderful person and I can't give any advice. All I can do is let you know that it changes nothing about what a wonderful person I believe you to be. You made me feel welcome when I was unsure, and gave me security when I was insecure. I love you unconditionally and I know you will get through this in your way and time. Dont beat yourself up!!! I am rooting for you, dont forget, email me whenever you want scorpionqueent@yahoo.com
MJ
YGM
YGM
MJ...Hey don't beat yourself up..You had surgery and you were
in pain..Is there someone you can give the pills to, who can dispense
them to you as prescribed?..
After that you may want to try a different plan next time..It seems
what you have tried in the past hasn't worked for you..I like Kat's
idea..How about going ct off everything..
What ever you decide to do, you know I will always be here to
support you..
Take care my friend,
Doug
in pain..Is there someone you can give the pills to, who can dispense
them to you as prescribed?..
After that you may want to try a different plan next time..It seems
what you have tried in the past hasn't worked for you..I like Kat's
idea..How about going ct off everything..
What ever you decide to do, you know I will always be here to
support you..
Take care my friend,
Doug
Hello MJ-
I can't offer much as I am in a relapse myself. I just want to let you know that I'm offering my support. This whole pill business is a tricky thing.
I had been off pills for 2 years and then had surgery to remove a lump in my breast. I honestly thought when I picked up the pain pills that since it wasn't my previous doc I would be okay. Like you said a "floodgate" opened up and from that point on I've been taking, something. I still feel stuck right now.
So I don't have any great words of wisdom, wish I did. Everyone here really cares about you. Don't beat yourself up over this.
take care-
valley
I can't offer much as I am in a relapse myself. I just want to let you know that I'm offering my support. This whole pill business is a tricky thing.
I had been off pills for 2 years and then had surgery to remove a lump in my breast. I honestly thought when I picked up the pain pills that since it wasn't my previous doc I would be okay. Like you said a "floodgate" opened up and from that point on I've been taking, something. I still feel stuck right now.
So I don't have any great words of wisdom, wish I did. Everyone here really cares about you. Don't beat yourself up over this.
take care-
valley
MJ,
All any of us have is today. Don't worry anymore about what's happened. That's past. Do you have a plan for getting clean now? Have you any f2f support? I remember you started to see a therapist but had to stop -- do you suppose the loss of that support made a relapse more likely?
That was a lot of temptation to have to deal with there, MJ -- in pain, stessed, and with a nurse offering you the drugs. I'm not sure I would have waited for her to ask twice. Here's a bit of addict thinking for you. I was listening to a radio program about the search for happiness and the interviewee, a psychologist, asked, "What would you do if you had an hour left to live?" And I immediately thought, "Well, I'd break into the pharmacy and swipe a handful of pills."
No matter how much recovery we have under us, it's a seductive, devious disease. No one thinks less of you for relapsing and I respect you enormously for being honest. That takes real guts and it's what will save you in the end.
Much love,
Gina
All any of us have is today. Don't worry anymore about what's happened. That's past. Do you have a plan for getting clean now? Have you any f2f support? I remember you started to see a therapist but had to stop -- do you suppose the loss of that support made a relapse more likely?
That was a lot of temptation to have to deal with there, MJ -- in pain, stessed, and with a nurse offering you the drugs. I'm not sure I would have waited for her to ask twice. Here's a bit of addict thinking for you. I was listening to a radio program about the search for happiness and the interviewee, a psychologist, asked, "What would you do if you had an hour left to live?" And I immediately thought, "Well, I'd break into the pharmacy and swipe a handful of pills."
No matter how much recovery we have under us, it's a seductive, devious disease. No one thinks less of you for relapsing and I respect you enormously for being honest. That takes real guts and it's what will save you in the end.
Much love,
Gina
MJ,
You were hurting physically. I think I would have done the same thing. All I can say is I love you alot, you've alwyas been there for me and I'll always be there for you. you'll end up doing the right thing. Thats just how you are.
But remember, you've been through alot of physical stuff lately too, worrying about cancer, etc.
Please don't ever be afraid to post here. You have alot of friends who love you very much. I'll email you tonight.
Love to you my friend,
Roe
xxxxxxx
You were hurting physically. I think I would have done the same thing. All I can say is I love you alot, you've alwyas been there for me and I'll always be there for you. you'll end up doing the right thing. Thats just how you are.
But remember, you've been through alot of physical stuff lately too, worrying about cancer, etc.
Please don't ever be afraid to post here. You have alot of friends who love you very much. I'll email you tonight.
Love to you my friend,
Roe
xxxxxxx
Hey MJ,
I just want you to know that I am here if you need me, we all are.
The choice is up to you. But you know that 'feel good' is only temporary, and 6 months down the road, if not sooner, that 'feel good' is going to turn into 'feel like s***' feeling. We all have been there or are there now.
I said this before, it is the same as snorting coke, the first two lines are euphoric, after that,, well those of us who have done it before know what I am talking about, you keep snorting to get that same euphoric feeling that never comes until it is out of your system and you start the cycle all over again.
When you are ready, you will know it.
You have valuable information to share to this board, you have a story a success story, you had surgery you relasped, people need to know just how easy it is to go back ' there' . You were on sub, high doses, all this information is powerful to those that are lurking, and are new, and those of us that aren't new, and are in the same boat.
So sorry babe
I disagree with you, YOU do have something to share.
love much very much!!!
I just want you to know that I am here if you need me, we all are.
The choice is up to you. But you know that 'feel good' is only temporary, and 6 months down the road, if not sooner, that 'feel good' is going to turn into 'feel like s***' feeling. We all have been there or are there now.
I said this before, it is the same as snorting coke, the first two lines are euphoric, after that,, well those of us who have done it before know what I am talking about, you keep snorting to get that same euphoric feeling that never comes until it is out of your system and you start the cycle all over again.
When you are ready, you will know it.
You have valuable information to share to this board, you have a story a success story, you had surgery you relasped, people need to know just how easy it is to go back ' there' . You were on sub, high doses, all this information is powerful to those that are lurking, and are new, and those of us that aren't new, and are in the same boat.
So sorry babe
I disagree with you, YOU do have something to share.
love much very much!!!
Dear m.j. I am so sorry that you relapsed but that is a part of our disease.I can not began to tell you how many times I have relapesed to get back up and try again. Please dont quit trying becuase the last time I relapsed I said what the hell and was out there for the next 8 years of my life. I know you can do it you have been battleing with this disease for over 2 years now and I am sorry but I think If I was in the hospital and they were asking me If I wanted morphine how hard that would be to say no. I know today I dont have to worry about that though and god will see me through anything. Dont beat yourself up so bad. If you want to get clean and I do believe you do then just keep on trying, You know you have been a good friend to me and I love you dearly and you using and relapsing doesnt make you any less than or better than anyone here today.
You have a very powerful disease that controls your thoughts and you wanting and using. I know for me it took everything in me to get clean and I had to hit such a low bottom. I dont want to see you go there nor do I want to see you in any kind of pain and this disease lies to us and tells us its ok to use and we will be alright that we cannot fight it any longer that we must just given and let it have its power back over us. I am sorry you are going through this and wish you nothing but happiness and the way back to the road of recovery. Thats what we all are striving for today even the ones who have alot of clean time is to keep getting better everyday. So you had a fall. Big pucking deal. You arent dead or overdosed thank god. You are still here and still have that desire to get clean so I will continue to encourage you until you are able to put down that poison for good. I love you,
April
You have a very powerful disease that controls your thoughts and you wanting and using. I know for me it took everything in me to get clean and I had to hit such a low bottom. I dont want to see you go there nor do I want to see you in any kind of pain and this disease lies to us and tells us its ok to use and we will be alright that we cannot fight it any longer that we must just given and let it have its power back over us. I am sorry you are going through this and wish you nothing but happiness and the way back to the road of recovery. Thats what we all are striving for today even the ones who have alot of clean time is to keep getting better everyday. So you had a fall. Big pucking deal. You arent dead or overdosed thank god. You are still here and still have that desire to get clean so I will continue to encourage you until you are able to put down that poison for good. I love you,
April
Mj,
I haven't talked with you in ages!!
I also will be sending you an email - tonight I hope!
Love you, Always,
Rach
I haven't talked with you in ages!!
I also will be sending you an email - tonight I hope!
Love you, Always,
Rach
I am SO sorry that this happened! It is understandable to take pain meds surgery...the problem is not giving them to someone alse to hold. Don't feel too bad..although you had legitimare pain, I also get the feeling to "abuse" the meds and that in of itself starts the ball rolling. The good news is you were honest to yourself about it and confronted it....don't cry over spilled milk. I've been here since last June and have had 3 relapses due to pain..I didn't take more than precribed, but enjoyed the buzz and got real upset over it. Everyone said I did not lose my clean time.....but I felt I had. Don't feel shame for having this horrible disease...it is cunning and deadly, but at least we know what we are up against....knowing me, I would have taken the meds...I hate pain...I am and always will be here to support you...it will be ok...just get back on track...Love, Sharonn
MJ, Quit beating yourself up, get back on the Sub, and check your mailbox.
