My sister has been dating a drug addict for almost 8 years. The addiction, and consequences thereof, have gotten progressively worse over this time. He has completed 5 full stints at various Rehabilitation facilities. The consequences of the addiction include but are not limited to the following, stealing money from her, maxing out her credit cards, incurring other debt in her name, sleeping with another woman, being verbally and emotionally abusive toward her. She has been instrumental in getting him into Rehab as well as helping him obtain faith based help for his addiction. The cycle remains the same - he falls hard with the drug addiction, she assists him to get into rehab, they get some counselling from their Pastor, she sees "a change in him", she starts dating him "officially" again (justified by the fact that he is doing better and she notes an improvement in him), and then he falls hard into drugs again - the cycle is perpetuated. This has happened no less than 4 times. He is unable to keep a job, does not have a vehicle, does not have money, remains in debt and is a sufferer of a severe chronic medical condition. He appears to use her as a crutch and we feel that she is an enabler. She is unable to render him accountable for what he has done and would rather be upset with the family for trying to convince her this is not a good situation for her to remain in. She displays many symptoms of codependency; she is weak with no self-esteem, controlled by him, his caretaker.
Please advise as to how we can assist her as we are losing hope, but more importantly, we are losing her, as she feels we are not supportive of him and their relationship. We love her so much and feel she deserves a better relationship with someone who will respect and cherish her. Ps: We continue to assist her partner in getting help and overcoming his addiction as we still care deeply for him but we acknowledge that their relationship is one which cannot receive our support.
It is truly a sad situation that any relationship with your sister must include accepting her dysfunctional boyfriend. It's like she's saying "We're a package deal." Codependency blurs the lines of where "I stop and you begin." She obviously is getting some reward from being a nurse-maid to him.
For starters, I'd not be so quick to seek assistance for him. She is "happy" doing this. Tell her you are letting her do this from now on. If she calls and cries or complains how awful her life is, then simply say "what do you plan on doing about this?" Don't jump in and hold her hand or offer solutions. She is like an addict...addicted to him and his problems. By having anxiety over her situation, and propping her up, you are enabling her as much as she enables him.
It truly is difficult to watch your beloved sister struggle for years with someone who may not be capable of a mature relationship. A book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beatty is a good resource for all of you.
Keep posting. There are many people here who struggle with similar issues.
For starters, I'd not be so quick to seek assistance for him. She is "happy" doing this. Tell her you are letting her do this from now on. If she calls and cries or complains how awful her life is, then simply say "what do you plan on doing about this?" Don't jump in and hold her hand or offer solutions. She is like an addict...addicted to him and his problems. By having anxiety over her situation, and propping her up, you are enabling her as much as she enables him.
It truly is difficult to watch your beloved sister struggle for years with someone who may not be capable of a mature relationship. A book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beatty is a good resource for all of you.
Keep posting. There are many people here who struggle with similar issues.
Agree with Roberta, she thrives as a codependent, when she is ready to change her situation, she will. I have a family member that is similar and I just cut it off when she starts, I will tell her I hope she can change her circumstances soon, then change the subject. She rarely calls anymore since I don't play the sympathy card anymore.
Thank you so much for the words encouragement. Knowing that it isn't cruel to try to distance ourselves from their issues and knowing that there are others who would handle the situation in a similar manner makes it easier for me to stick by my decision. It's time to break free from this - I only hope she has the courage to do the same.
THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!
