Hello everyone. I have been off of oxy for 12 days now, and on sub for 11 days. Overall, I feel pretty good. Much better than I would have expected at this point. No w/d, depression, pain, etc. I have abused pain pills off and on for the last year or so. However, I was totally off of them for about 3-4 months, and during that time I felt fantastic. It was around the end of July that I started using again, and this time it got deep.
About 3 1/2 weeks ago I realized that my problem was unmanageable and out of control. My sources to get them were running dry. i began having nightmares about running out and going thru w/d. I made the decision to end this madness for good. i cut off my sources and confessed everything to my husband. I was in heavy w/d when I told him. He didn't understand w/d. He told me to just stop. Yeah like it's that easy. he went to his mom's and got me a few percs to get me out of w/d. He told me he loved me and we would get thru this and that he would help me and be there for me. I paged my Dr. and confessed. He got my an appointment at the sub clinic and told me he would keep me out of w/d until I went.
The next night my husband and I went seperately to an after hours business event. People from my business were all going out to eat and socialize after the event. I went, and invited him to go. He said he didn't want to go, but for me to have fun. I got home at 10:30 and he started flipping out. "How could I cry like a baby one night and go out the next? How much money did I waste on this sh**? I'm not your sugardaddy. You fu**ed your self up, you deal with it. My money is not paying for you to get help. I would divorce you if it didn't cost so much!" Get the picture? Now 2 things you should know: I work hard every day but don't even make a fraction of what he makes. He is very successful. And he has a history of verbal and emotional abuse about this subject. Every little disagreement and this is what gets smeared in my face. In 4 years of marriage, it's been that way for 3.
After that night we didn't speak for 5 days. I even called divorce attorneys, but never scheduled an appointment. Finally we started to talk. We agreed that our marriage needs help. I told him I absolutly can not tolerate the emotional abuse he's been handing out for so long. He said sorry and go ahead and go to detox/ counseling/ rehab or whatever I need.
Now I know I am far from blameless, and I told him that. My addiction has definately played a huge role. BUT...The emotional abuse was happening before the pills. The lovelife slowed down to almost nothing before the pills. We bickered before the pills. NOW...He blames every problem we have on my addiction. "We fight because you're so moody because of the pills. we don't have sex because of the pills. Etc, etc. He thinks all of our problems are due to my using the pills, and I think most problems existed before the pills.
So I ask anyone who might be able to provide some insight....
WHICH CAME FIRST, THE PROBLEMS OR THE PILLS? And how the hell do I know? I say problems, he says pills? Is my judgement clouded? I am afraid to go to marriage counseler because he might spin it to look like all problems are pill-related. And a therapist might be inclined to agree with that.
Sorry this is so long, I have alot on my mind. I just want someone to honestly tell me if they think I am walking around in denial here? Thanks, Atlas
I thought that all of our problems came from the fact that my husband is an alcoholic, I was sure that if he could stop drinking that we would be so happy together. The first two years after he gave up drinking were the worst in our married life. It turned out that we had loads of problems that I had blamed on the drinking, we sought out concelling and after a long time and both of us desperate to work on things, I can finally say that I have never been happier.
You are not alone in your problems, your husband has done things to.
I hope thigs work out for you both, but you both have to really want it, and go through all of the rough times that you will have before the smooth comes along.
Karen
You are not alone in your problems, your husband has done things to.
I hope thigs work out for you both, but you both have to really want it, and go through all of the rough times that you will have before the smooth comes along.
Karen
Problems.
I found something that numbed my emotional pain. Sure, the problems got worse with the pills...but problems definetly came first.
Cowgirl
I found something that numbed my emotional pain. Sure, the problems got worse with the pills...but problems definetly came first.
Cowgirl
Thanks brit. I do want it, but I fear it could be beyond repair.
I believe the drugs were a solution to a much deeper problem. I did not have tools to cope with life so I used drugs. Take away the drugs...what's left? A raw nerve ending with no coping mechanisms. I found support through 12 Step recovery.
Rachel
If it is beyond repair the at least with a councillor you will be able to part amicably.
Karen
Karen
What Rachel said, took the words right out of my mouth.
gi
gi
For most I feel there is some hidden pain(emotional)that most of us run from.Yes now I have Chronic pain issues but throughout my life Ive gone from abusings Adderal to pain pills to pot to you name it.In my case I tend to think I was self medicating.See I have depression & instead of working with my Dr for years I abused him & the system to get what I needed.The funny thing about that is as soon as I told my Dr I was having a real hard time with pills he was one of the first who wanted to help.Not by giving me stronger drugs but by giving me a stronger mind to WANT TO LEARN about addiction....mj
Hi Atlas, first off I give you much credit for seeking recovery with so little support. It's not an easy thing to do and you are doing your best to look after you.
Logically, I know that problems come before pills. Yet personally I haven't quite figured that out yet.
Before addiction I managed my life reasonably well. I wasn't miserable or haunted by anything emotionally. I faced life's trials and was capable.
I'm sure there must be something that preceeded my addiction, but I'm still not sure about it.
What I do know for sure is that after I stuck that first lorcet in my mouth, I was instantly drawn to it. It took me several years of dabbling here and there before I was a full blown addict and once that happened.....I couldn't handle anything anymore without the assistance of something to numb me. It seems I lost all ability to cope with life on life's terms.
Thank God we can learn to do that again.
Congradulations on taking your power back and best of luck to you with everything.
Love, Kat
Logically, I know that problems come before pills. Yet personally I haven't quite figured that out yet.
Before addiction I managed my life reasonably well. I wasn't miserable or haunted by anything emotionally. I faced life's trials and was capable.
I'm sure there must be something that preceeded my addiction, but I'm still not sure about it.
What I do know for sure is that after I stuck that first lorcet in my mouth, I was instantly drawn to it. It took me several years of dabbling here and there before I was a full blown addict and once that happened.....I couldn't handle anything anymore without the assistance of something to numb me. It seems I lost all ability to cope with life on life's terms.
Thank God we can learn to do that again.
Congradulations on taking your power back and best of luck to you with everything.
Love, Kat
Problems almost always come first. It's amazing what you'll figure out if you're willing to open it all up and get real honest with yourself. You'll usually find that the problem has been there for quite some time.
seems like the problems do come first. I woke one day and had what alcoholics comonly refer to as ' a moment of clarity'. I figured out why I was an addict and abused the pain pills. Once I did, the light was on and has remained so ever since.
The problems came first for me. I've been in therapy for years and as I addressed issues from my childhood I was able to recognize my drug use for what it was -- an increasingly flawed coping mechanism -- and give it up. All the tools I picked up in therapy have been invaluable in my recovery, though I didn't realize at the time that they were going to be useful for battling addiction.
Cheers,
Gina
Cheers,
Gina
hun your problems involving the pills are that your problem,all those other issuses are his problems and his problems have become a reason to take more pills.know one deserves emotional abuse and if hes been abuseing about the pills for three years you stated you have had a problem for 1yr.and half stop lying to yourself.or get your story straight before you do.
I think addiction can be a sign of other deep problems.
You can get away from your abusive spouse, but you may still be attracted to abusive types. Your husband sounds like an a******, but who hasn't been at one time or another? He may change and he may not. What's important is that you change the things about you that you think needs to be dealt with. First get off the pills, you'll be very emotional in the beginning, but give it sometime and you should be able to make clear decisions about yourself. Just take things one step at a time.
You can get away from your abusive spouse, but you may still be attracted to abusive types. Your husband sounds like an a******, but who hasn't been at one time or another? He may change and he may not. What's important is that you change the things about you that you think needs to be dealt with. First get off the pills, you'll be very emotional in the beginning, but give it sometime and you should be able to make clear decisions about yourself. Just take things one step at a time.
The easy answer fo rme is pain - pills - then lots of problems but I don't think it's that simple now.
I probably had problems from way back or I would have only taken tihe pills for the pain - people do that and do not become addicts.
So, I'm in the process of checking into this.
I've learned it's never too late to learn about yourself.
I am so sorry for your situation.
Do you have a plan? I'm sure some, maybe most, I don't know how many problems are b/c of the pills but your husband may be surprised to find he may even be a part of your addiction. He will not want to hear that. It's so complicated, you may be surprised if you dig deep enough to discover why the addiction. It may have nothing to do w/your husband, it may have to do w/your childhood.
They made me happy all of the time - who is happy all of the time so I should have known but I didn't - they also made pain go away which was wonderful but why did I continue to take them when they stopped working? I don't have the answer.
I wish you well and off the pills. I can read into your words that you are more than READY to stop. You have started - 1st step - admitting it and then telling your husband.
Love,
Jean
I probably had problems from way back or I would have only taken tihe pills for the pain - people do that and do not become addicts.
So, I'm in the process of checking into this.
I've learned it's never too late to learn about yourself.
I am so sorry for your situation.
Do you have a plan? I'm sure some, maybe most, I don't know how many problems are b/c of the pills but your husband may be surprised to find he may even be a part of your addiction. He will not want to hear that. It's so complicated, you may be surprised if you dig deep enough to discover why the addiction. It may have nothing to do w/your husband, it may have to do w/your childhood.
They made me happy all of the time - who is happy all of the time so I should have known but I didn't - they also made pain go away which was wonderful but why did I continue to take them when they stopped working? I don't have the answer.
I wish you well and off the pills. I can read into your words that you are more than READY to stop. You have started - 1st step - admitting it and then telling your husband.
Love,
Jean
Hey Pauly-
Not trying to start an online argument but, my sister and I feel that comment you gave was a little too harsh. Yes it's your opinion, and your are intitled to it, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?????? LEAVE THAT WOMAN ALONE K?
BEST,
THE SISTERS
Not trying to start an online argument but, my sister and I feel that comment you gave was a little too harsh. Yes it's your opinion, and your are intitled to it, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?????? LEAVE THAT WOMAN ALONE K?
BEST,
THE SISTERS
You're two people, Cyclone?
To be honest, the pills came first. When I went through some VERY big emotional pain, I realized that when I took a pill, it wasn't so bad. So it got out of control since I didn't have to think about what just happened. Now I'm still ignoring, or burying that pain even without the pills, but that's probably why I don't sleep at night. ....
Boy I can relate Siber
I had problems before I started taking pills for addiction.
Then things just got worse. Now I am trying to figure out where to start to fix what I have broken. One is trying to figure out how to get out of the debt I have gotten us into. But it is gonna take alot more then that. I am getting sleep finally, but I still wake thinking of the unfinished things I need to finish up with. I started going after my ex for the support he back owes, then I had talked to an attorney about the sexual harrassment I went thru at work. But I had let EVERYTHING go and didn't care. Now I have to start agian and take back what is mine. I know in the end others are going to be hurt, but now I have to do what is right for me.
Man how I hate what the pills did to me. I really really hate it. I am going to sit down today and write some letters to people that I know I owe explanations to, bu tthen I wonder if they will even care. I do know that people need to understand what damage addictions does and having the patience to let us mend what we have broken. I know there are those that are not gonna care, but I also know there are those that will. I will only find out once I write my letters.
I have not felt such anxity since my first week of wd.now its the anxity of facing what I screwed up. Man if that isn't tough!!!
I had problems before I started taking pills for addiction.
Then things just got worse. Now I am trying to figure out where to start to fix what I have broken. One is trying to figure out how to get out of the debt I have gotten us into. But it is gonna take alot more then that. I am getting sleep finally, but I still wake thinking of the unfinished things I need to finish up with. I started going after my ex for the support he back owes, then I had talked to an attorney about the sexual harrassment I went thru at work. But I had let EVERYTHING go and didn't care. Now I have to start agian and take back what is mine. I know in the end others are going to be hurt, but now I have to do what is right for me.
Man how I hate what the pills did to me. I really really hate it. I am going to sit down today and write some letters to people that I know I owe explanations to, bu tthen I wonder if they will even care. I do know that people need to understand what damage addictions does and having the patience to let us mend what we have broken. I know there are those that are not gonna care, but I also know there are those that will. I will only find out once I write my letters.
I have not felt such anxity since my first week of wd.now its the anxity of facing what I screwed up. Man if that isn't tough!!!
I don't have a lot of things to make ammends for because I didn't lie and I didn't throw us into debt or anything like that. (I'm sure it was just a matter of time) I got the pills legitimately and THEN my whole family turned their backs on me at a very important time in my life. That is when I started taking more than I should have. So the pills came first, but the pain pushed it over to the addiction side.
