Which Way Do I Go?

After reading through these postings, i am not sure that i am in the right place but if i am, please someone give me advice. My husband is an alcoholic. After 8 years i am finally able to admit this to myself. I have been keeping a journal for the past few weeks and have become obsessed with knowing how much he is drinking every night. He is fully functional when it comes to work.(Goes every day) He holds a very stressfull job and "unwinds" only at night and on the weekends. At this point, he is drinking anywhere from 7-20 beers per night. And yes, he still is able to walk and talk. I am tired of this and ashamed that it took me this long to realize. I have told him in the past to slow down that he was drinking too much and he would....for a little while. Now I am getting mad that he continues to drink (and so much) and am making plans to move out of state once my children finish the school year. I do love him but want my children out of this environment. We have had this "your drinking too much" conversation many times and now i just want out. Am i wrong? Am i being selfish? Should i stay and try to get him help? I dont want to. I want to take my kids and go. I am doubting myself because no one in my family or friends sees this. They only see a wonderful husband and father. Someone with a great job who loves his family and you know what? Without the alcohol they are right but i am the one who watches him drink each night. I dont want to stick around - i dont want to help him. I want him to help himself and right now i am really not sure that i will be there even if he does get help. If i am wrong, someone please tell me. If i am right, then please give me advice on how to tell him. I do not want to tell him now so that he starts hiding it from me to make me stay here but right now he thinks he is moving with me out of state and i have to live here for another 6 months. Please -any advice would be welcome.
Hi Movinout,
Well I can't tell you what to do either way....That is up to you......You have to know the you and your children are the most important thing now.....I have some questions for you to think about, you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself.....
Is he worth it.......Would you stay if he wasn't drinking......Do you know that him drinking is a disease.......
I only know what I am going through not you....I stayed, mine hit his bottom, and is fighting to stay clean......my husband is a good man, and I couldn't see leaving him to fight this without my support.....Now by staying there are things I do....I support and love and tell him how proud I am that he is clean....thats it....It is up to him to stay clean, and do the things he needs to to stay that way.....There are many people who live with spouses that are in active addiction, waiting for the ones they love to seek help.....can you do that, can you stay until your husband hits his bottom.......
Addiction is a nasty thing for those who suffer with it each day, and to the families of those.....No matter what you decide he will still be the father of your children so I would suggest you look into alanon for yourself to better understand things.
If you tell him you are leaving it may make him take a good look at his behavior and try to get help.....that being said he may deny the whole problem too....one thing you can be certain about is he will be ready to stop when he is not when anyone else wants him to.
Good Luck to you, you have some hard decisions to make.....
I wish you well,
Tina
Do you think his drinking began while working so hard for his family? Do you feel he loves you and the kids? What has he done( besides drink too much) for you to just leave him and not WANT to help him? I don't understand? I mean I know that drinking over the years has put a strain on you however has he disgusted you to the point where you don't even want to stay by his side? I don't mean to sound negative towards you I'm just trying to understand why you don't want to stay and help him.

Cathy
We have had this discussion so many times that I dont feel that there is any point. He has been an alcoholic for about 20 years and shows no sign of slowing down. Why dont I want to stick around? Because I am tired of trying to "save" him. He doesnt want it and now it is affecting my children. My older son sees it and sees how his dad acts when he is drunk. I have offered AA to him, I have offered to go with him, I have begged, I have threatened, I have done everything that I know how to do.
I am done. I am angry and everytime I check the amount drank for the day, I get angrier. He was supposed to be there for me and the children and he is not. Yes, he is a wonderful provider but he just shuts down come 6pm when the drinking starts. He says he is happy and he loves us but maybe he's not. I am tired of the lies and the fact that he may endanger our children in the car scares the crap out of me. I dont mean to sound cruel but he needs to decide what he wants to do and I need to stop feeling guilty about it. This move was supposed to happen for all of us but at this point I dont want him around until he admits that he has a problem and needs help and then GETS help. He drank 68 beers from Christmas Eve through Sunday night. I asked him to slow down and he just said ok and drank faster at our neighbors house. merry christmas??
Well,
It looks like you have been there not only for him but for you and your children. I see that you are tired. I'm glad you have made the decision to move out for you and your children. After all, if he isn't going to be there for them well, you need to be. It is true. When kids see that drugs and alcohol is a way out they are prone to do it themselves when they get older and even at time, when they are young. I wish you all the best and you will make it. You will. You have been strong for 20 years and that does take strength. You'll have minimal problems being out on your own. What I mean is you have strength to do what you gotta do!

Cathy
Your story could be my mother's. If he hasn't already, he'll probably eventually get belligerent and somewhat aggressive as the addiction progresses and the self-centeredness takes further hold.

My mother finally moved out after 30 years of marriage when it became obvious that his behavior was having an adverse effect on the youngest child of the family. He went to work every day, never missed, but drank beer every day until he fell asleep -- started with beer Saturday and Sunday morning, took a nap then started again. Even after she left, he continued for years -- then pretty much totally neglected his health, nuitrition, etc. I can remember, way back when, when he only drank two beers a day. But 2 eventually became a six pack, which then progressed to 2 six packs, then who knows how many on the weekends and holidays.

My advice -- take a break if you can, detach from him and the situation you find yourself in, and during that time make some rational decisions about what you are willing to put up with and what you are willing to put your children through, then act on it. Marriage is forever, in sickness and in health, but living in the same house with an alcoholic and enabling the activity and addiction isn't. From what you describe of your behavior, you are getting sick also.

By the way, of six children in the family, one is heroin addicted (now taking methadone as a legal substitute, another is alcoholic, and a 24 year old son is alcoholic (currently fighting to stay clean and alive).

Pray, discern and best wishes.
With tears in my eyes, I thank you for your responses. I hope you are all correct, that I am able to do this and I pray that God helps him. I pray that God helps all of you too. Thank you, really. More than I can say.
As they say it, Let go and let God. And God will bless him ... and you and your children. Right now he doesn't have to depend on God, probably because he is depending on you (in an abnormal, unnatural, irrational, insane way). You are his "cover."

Thank you for your "thanks." Your story and your determination to change your conditions and protect your children encourages us all to make the changes that we need to make in our own lives.
My father was (yes, was) a police officer and an active alcholic my enitire life. My mom did the right thing and left him but we still had to stay with him weekends. it was horrible as he wandered the house or I found him passed out on the floor. And scary. I blacked out much of my childhood. I just entered alanon at 32. He died from drinking and smoking when I was 26 and he was 50. He had turned on me and it killed me.
It is a disease like cancer. Don't be mad at him for having it. But protect your children and yourself. I am now living with an active drug addict and following the patterns I learned as a child. Don't pass it on and get your kids into allateen if you can. At the very least go to the alanon meetings until you decide what to do. It is not selfish in my mind if he knows that if he stops you will stay and that you hardly want things to end never mind this way.
Movinout,


I don't think anyone can make the decision to leave but you. I would give him an opportunity to get help or we leave. The reason I say this is because I am dealing with a spouse in rehab whose mother chose to stay with an alcoholic father.
My wife is 34 beautiful, extremely smart, well educated (duel degreed) RN. Everyone one loves her but now I know she has never felt good about herself inside. All of this stems back to an alcoholic home life and a father that was never there for her. Even though she was aware of all of this and I thought had dealt with it to some degree, I was wrong. She began stealing prescription pain medicine some where about three years ago. I was unware all that time until a drug test revealed it. Now I know she had lied, manuplated , and done what ever to get those drugs. All theses years later, we are dealing with a situation that might have never happened if one mother had the courage to save her children from an alcoholic father. Now my 4 year old is without a mother while she is in rehab and our marriage is in shambles. I have been supportive but very angry throughout this. I have made it clear, if it happens again after all of this I will take my daughter and leave. I have seen first hand whathappens if one is afraid to face the situation. It just returns until someone does. It should not be your children. Granted youo did state that he is a good father and involvced so they would be different than my wife's childhood. But, regardless I would draw the line and make him make a choice. Get family involved or contact a reab center that does intervention . Your children need both of you but only if the both of your are willing to face this problem together and conquer it. Thats my two cent worth. Good Luck in the New Year. And by the way the rehab expereince is gut wrenching ofr them and the family on the outside. I hope all we are going through proves to be worth it.
Thank you for the advice. I had hoped that we would have a good New Year but since NYeve he has been averaging 18 per day. I have finally told one family member that I trust, what is going on and what my plans are. Having lived with an alcoholic, they were very supportive (on both sides). I think he may have lost his job this week (hasn't happened yet) and the funny thing is that I am not mad or even upset about the job loss although he keeps saying he is sorry that he let me down. I would love him with or without money or a job. Why cant he see that the "let down" is in the fact that the beer consumes his life. (i know the answer, please dont yell at me) I am feeling very guilty about not laying it on the line (AGAIN) to him but we have been through this so many times. I have never lied to him and I feel that right now that is all I am doing. The only thing keeping me on track is my children. I know that they will be (if not already) affected by his drinking just as been pointed out and that to me is unacceptable. This is not their disease, nor is it mine. I have started attending alanon and I think this will be a big support for me as time goes on. Just as this message board is. Whenever I am feeling down, coming back to read the postings and the support from people that I do not know but people that are living my life gives me the strength to face everything. Good luck to all of you and God WILL bless you.
You sound like your living my sisters life, only she's just accepted it as a part of her life now. Her husband has been an alcoholic since he was 14, and has been for almost 20 years now and he's not slowing down. He is an active alcoholic, he goes to work everyday, never misses a day. But he'll come home, grab some beer or whatever alcohol is in the fridge and go drink by himself. This is mostly on weekends too, so she never goes out anywhere because she has to babysit him! He's 'relieved' himself on the Christmas tree, he grabbed a pot from the kitchen and made himself a bonfire out on the driveway in a nice, classy neighborhood.
This has affected her children, ones 6 years old and hates her dad, she never wants to be around him so whenever he drinks he goes to grandmas house and my nephew who is 10 goes to his friends house to get away from that.
He won't admit he has a problem, won't seek help, just drink and make his family miserable because my sister refuses to do anything.
I think you're making the right decision in leaving him.