I don't know what I think I am doing. My clean date is April 23, 2010. I have been through several hospitalizations, and rehab, a partial program.... I used to be a Registered Nurse and developed a pretty serious drug problem. I left my job, my identity, and became unemployed. I have been through hell and back, literally. So who am I trying to fool that I think I can handle taking a prescription of narcotics? Why am I doing this? I am lying to everyone, EVERYONE! No one knows, not even my therapist, not my husband, my family, no one!. I have to take weekly drug tests now because of an old charge that caught up with me after two years, how could I possibly think I can sliver my way around that!! I am feeling so ashamed, like such a disgusting deceiver! I go to NA and proclaim this imaginary clean time - it's sick! This demon inside is winning, again.
Missy, you're not the first person to lie in an NA meeting and you won't be the last. You are here and being honest...you sound so distressed. I am curious that you posted here on the heroin board instead of on pain pills, but it's so common to be first on one then the other. You know the answer to your question, but it really doesn't matter if you're fooling anyone else...you are certainly not fooling yourself.
This thread is a start...keep coming back...no keychains and clapping here...just good sound support.
Peace ~ MomNMore
This thread is a start...keep coming back...no keychains and clapping here...just good sound support.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Hello Missy, It's very good to meet you.my name's Kitty. Reading your post reminds me of the stomach churning panic of being 'caught out' . I lied to my nearest and dearest, or should I say I didn't tell them [[same thing]] I had this illness for a long time. The single act of confessing was the 1st step on the road to recovery, finding this board was the 2nd. I'm 2 years in to recovery I found this board in January 2010 and met wonderful, understanding, honest, funny, flawed people just like me. They listened and supported me and I don't know how many others, they were good enough to tell me when I was fooling myself, made me laugh when I wanted to cry, gave advice when I asked for it and friendship when I didn't. You know the only thing worse that having to sit my mum and family down and tell them I'm an addict, was keeping the secret. Don't give this demon power over you, don't let it stop you telling your family , the ones who love you what's going on. The old charge, well that was past. You may be paying the price now but 2 years ago things were different , you were different. Be brave, you CAN do it and we can start untangling that big tight knot of worry, anxiety. and panic that I know from experience sits in the pit of your stomach getting heavier as time goes on. Give YOURSELF this chance, Much love my friend, Kitty xxx
You are so not alone Missy. I lied to myself and others for years. We all do it, we're addicts.
You have a chance to start over, today. Tell on yourself to a trusted person, like you did here. Start there and the rest will catch up. You deserve that clean time that you so desperately want. No one in that NA meeting is going to judge you, they've all been there. The ones who share and you think are so perfect? Not always true. They are just like you.
Post on the painpill board too.
I hope you come back...
You have a chance to start over, today. Tell on yourself to a trusted person, like you did here. Start there and the rest will catch up. You deserve that clean time that you so desperately want. No one in that NA meeting is going to judge you, they've all been there. The ones who share and you think are so perfect? Not always true. They are just like you.
Post on the painpill board too.
I hope you come back...
Welcome Missy, I read this post a few days ago. I don't have much more to offer other then what has already been said. I work in the healh field. I was so worried about going back on Methadone treatment because of my job. I'm so glad I did and it has not effected my job at all. My up's down too long to list. I've been sober been using off/on many many years. I've been on m-done/off m-done in rehab/out. My last relaspe I hide for about 6months before anyone knew. I live with my fiance he did not know. It was my Dirty little Secret. I first admitted to my relaspe on this board. I did not go to NA/AA meetings. I remember feeling go guilty for using. It put a distance in my and my fiance's relationship that has still not recovered. This is a good place to start making + changes.
