hi, im new here today i cannot seem to find any answers in the world so i thought best to join this site. can someone please help me to understand why my addicted boyfriend keeps leaving me then coming back to me after months of not hearing from him, this has been going on for nearly 8 years now he knows i accept him how he is even though he has stolen money and goods went missing from the house , we were going to get married in a few weeks time everything was ready clothing wise etc and he vanished with 85 pound that he had taken from the safe and went to another town hes homeless and staying on the streets now i even wrote a letter to him at the the place where he goes for a free breakfast and i also spoke to the founder of the place and they got back to me saying he said he was going to ring me but he never did i dont know what to think ? why does he keep vanishing on me ? could somebody please enlighten me as my head is in bits here.
..Hi Unicorn and welcome to the board..
..The thing about this site amongst other stuff is the honesty people will have with ya ..weather its wot ya wanna hear or not ?..my personal feeling towards wot ya said is i dont really think he wants to be with ya ?.. when addicts are looking for money or a place to stay or wotever ..they'll come back because they're desperate for wotever they want..ya said hes homeless and was gonna ring ya..maybe its the shame of wot hes done to ya recently thats keeping him away or just the plain cold fact that he wants to stay away ?..i dunno wot kind of life you were living together but you say that hes been doing it for years ?.. why would you wanna marry someone thats been doing that to you for such a long time ?..if you think you can trust him then don't ?..personally .. i would'nt commit my trust/love to someone like that nevamind think of marrying them ?..it seems like typical addict behaviour wot hes doing to you..turns up after weeks/mths of not seeing him then vanishes again with money or goods from ya house..it seems to me your obviously still in love with him.but i dont think he feels the same way for you..if he did he would be by your side weather hes using still or not..i dont think its the fact you was gonna get married thats keeping him away cos ya said its been goin on for a long time now ?..i just think he sees you as an easy touch when he does decide to turn up..he uses the love you feel for him as a tool to get wot he wants from ya..addicts will cheat and steal off anybody to get wot they need for theirnext fix..family/friends etc..anybody who they think they can steal from will be in their target..i think he just comes back to take advantage of the fact that you love him and hes got somewhere to stay and eat and wotever for a while until he feels like taking off again..with ya money and goods ?..as much as it might hurt ya..maybe its best if ya try to get over this person and move on in life and find someone that loves ya for who you are and not wot they can get/take/steal from ya..of course it'll take time..but the longer you hold out for something that aint there..the longer it'll take to get over..maybe the only good thing thats came outta this is the fact that he did'nt hang around for you to marry him..hes probably done you a favour there without you realising it ?..sorry if its not wot ya wanna hear..but its the way i see it..take care..Robbie..
..The thing about this site amongst other stuff is the honesty people will have with ya ..weather its wot ya wanna hear or not ?..my personal feeling towards wot ya said is i dont really think he wants to be with ya ?.. when addicts are looking for money or a place to stay or wotever ..they'll come back because they're desperate for wotever they want..ya said hes homeless and was gonna ring ya..maybe its the shame of wot hes done to ya recently thats keeping him away or just the plain cold fact that he wants to stay away ?..i dunno wot kind of life you were living together but you say that hes been doing it for years ?.. why would you wanna marry someone thats been doing that to you for such a long time ?..if you think you can trust him then don't ?..personally .. i would'nt commit my trust/love to someone like that nevamind think of marrying them ?..it seems like typical addict behaviour wot hes doing to you..turns up after weeks/mths of not seeing him then vanishes again with money or goods from ya house..it seems to me your obviously still in love with him.but i dont think he feels the same way for you..if he did he would be by your side weather hes using still or not..i dont think its the fact you was gonna get married thats keeping him away cos ya said its been goin on for a long time now ?..i just think he sees you as an easy touch when he does decide to turn up..he uses the love you feel for him as a tool to get wot he wants from ya..addicts will cheat and steal off anybody to get wot they need for theirnext fix..family/friends etc..anybody who they think they can steal from will be in their target..i think he just comes back to take advantage of the fact that you love him and hes got somewhere to stay and eat and wotever for a while until he feels like taking off again..with ya money and goods ?..as much as it might hurt ya..maybe its best if ya try to get over this person and move on in life and find someone that loves ya for who you are and not wot they can get/take/steal from ya..of course it'll take time..but the longer you hold out for something that aint there..the longer it'll take to get over..maybe the only good thing thats came outta this is the fact that he did'nt hang around for you to marry him..hes probably done you a favour there without you realising it ?..sorry if its not wot ya wanna hear..but its the way i see it..take care..Robbie..
Robbie..... i'ld say that sums it up pretty well.
Unicorn, 8 years is a long time regardless if the negatives outweigh the positives, but you need to be strong. The situation is getting worse and worse, and could possibly lead to him physically harming you, if he has not already(I hope he has not.)
You cant marry this man in the state he's in. He needs help. Perhaps you can contact a family member of his and have him put in detox. It is a hard decision, he may hate you for it or love you for it. The result is impossible to predict, but you have to think about yourself. Not to sound like a jerk, but just writing this message, watching your message, gives me the feeling that I(along with others on this board) care about you more than he does. We're here for you. You will be in my prayers tonight. - Chris
P.S. If the board is slow, email me or im me at chris38ny@yahoo.com, if I'm around I'm a good listener. - Chris
You cant marry this man in the state he's in. He needs help. Perhaps you can contact a family member of his and have him put in detox. It is a hard decision, he may hate you for it or love you for it. The result is impossible to predict, but you have to think about yourself. Not to sound like a jerk, but just writing this message, watching your message, gives me the feeling that I(along with others on this board) care about you more than he does. We're here for you. You will be in my prayers tonight. - Chris
P.S. If the board is slow, email me or im me at chris38ny@yahoo.com, if I'm around I'm a good listener. - Chris
Poor Unicorn.......honey that stinks and I'm sorry you're hurting....loving an addict isn't easy.......never is......and that one did ya bad.
What the good people have said from the heart......they are all in the know....unfortunately we can tell ya how we do......well speaking for myself....I should say "DID"......thank goodness.
No way is right could ya marry him........even if he showed.........if he needed his bag he'd have to leave during the ceremony........he'd get sick.......that's how your life will go........8 YEARS........well ya got more left so ya can start from there.......everyone over on the Family/Friends Board here they have all been through it with addicts and they're great people......ya can learn from them.
Hope you come back.......I can be honest like Robbie said......I did that very thing......told a guy I'd marry him........then disappeared and went back when I had no place to stay........robbed him blind more than once.......years of that.
FINALLY he kicked my sorry, thieving rear out........thought of himself.....now we're cool, but to this day I see he checks me out to see if I'm high. I know that.
Hope everyone helped ya, Uni.........it all just stinks.
What the good people have said from the heart......they are all in the know....unfortunately we can tell ya how we do......well speaking for myself....I should say "DID"......thank goodness.
No way is right could ya marry him........even if he showed.........if he needed his bag he'd have to leave during the ceremony........he'd get sick.......that's how your life will go........8 YEARS........well ya got more left so ya can start from there.......everyone over on the Family/Friends Board here they have all been through it with addicts and they're great people......ya can learn from them.
Hope you come back.......I can be honest like Robbie said......I did that very thing......told a guy I'd marry him........then disappeared and went back when I had no place to stay........robbed him blind more than once.......years of that.
FINALLY he kicked my sorry, thieving rear out........thought of himself.....now we're cool, but to this day I see he checks me out to see if I'm high. I know that.
Hope everyone helped ya, Uni.........it all just stinks.
hello people and thankyou for your replies firstly my relationship has been very complex and complicated with this chap for over 7 years getting married is what we both wanted we had in depth conversations about many things the stealing from me is not what he did all the time.Over the years he would come back to me when he was clean but then he would bump into old associates and start using again then i would find out and i asked him to leave and say to him come back when you get yourself sorted we truly love each other very very much.How things happened recently from last year april i went to meet up with him he was living in the midlands at the time told me he hadnt used for 3 months that he had been on tabs i came home didnt hear from him for another 5 days reason being he went shoplifting after i had got my train back and he got caught so he was locked up .I then didnt hear from him till july when a letter from jail landed at my door so i knew he was getting clean inside and i went to visit him every 10 days till he got out in october he came back to live here . things were going good till he bumped into associates again in the mean time he was taking subutex but that only lasted 2 weeks he was doing well on them but decided to stop taking them and started using again so i asked him to leave after i discovered something missing. as i knew what was coming anyhow he left town and went to york and after 3 weeks he rang me and begged me to take him back so i agreed he said he was going to do cold turkey if he couldnt get any tablets so thats how this latest escapade came about he came back on the thursday he had enough gear till friday to last so he was doing cold turkey all day and night saturday he wasnt well at all he was sneezing all day and night and rolling round the bed unfortunately i had to go to work on sunday and when i got back he was gone hes not a bad guy truly he isnt he couldnt help doing what he did i understand that ,he probably didnt want to do it but he had to
Oh unicorn, I feel so sorry for you. Man, us addicts are sick twisted people. We take someone who's naieve and innocent, and f*** 'em up. OK, addicts go through phases. Sometimes when life really gives us a beating, we get a notion that we're gonna sort our s*** out. So your man, he gets a little sick of life on the streets, thinks he's gonna do his cluck. So he comes home to you, knowing that you're soft on him, and he'll have a place to stay. So he does his last bag, arrives on your doorstep. By the next day the cluck is really starting to bite, and his resolve is rapidly disappearing. So you go out somewhere, and he's feeling like a rats arse, sitting there watching Diagnosis Murder. All self control evaporates, he thinks, sod this for a game of soldiers, lets go raid her piggy bank, flog the TV, pawn the stereo, whatever. And off he goes. Once the gears back in the veins, he's forgotton all about you. Heroin is a great cure for guilt you know.
Babe, addicts are people, some are good, some are bad, just like everybody else. But when you have an addiction, it's not you in control, it's your addict within, and the addict within, they're all the same. They're all lying, cheating, theiving little twats, and they'll rob you soon as look at you. So, OK, your man there, he might be a great guy, but it's not him who's in the driving seat.
So my advice to you? Next time he turns up on your doorstep, don't let the f***er in! Go out and meet somebody nice. Someone who'll take you out for dinner, and buy you flowers, and make you a cup of tea and rub your shoulders when you've had a bad day at work. OK, maybe I'm being fanciful, I've never met one of them, but they are rumoured to exist. But someone who you can trust not to steal from you, and someone who'll at least be there for you would be a million times better than wasting your precious life with someone who just uses you, and does nothing but let you down and hurt you.
If you're waiting for him to sort his s*** out and be the person you thought he was, then you could be waiting a very very long time. How long have you got to waste? I think you've wasted enough already sweetheart...
love
Diff x
Babe, addicts are people, some are good, some are bad, just like everybody else. But when you have an addiction, it's not you in control, it's your addict within, and the addict within, they're all the same. They're all lying, cheating, theiving little twats, and they'll rob you soon as look at you. So, OK, your man there, he might be a great guy, but it's not him who's in the driving seat.
So my advice to you? Next time he turns up on your doorstep, don't let the f***er in! Go out and meet somebody nice. Someone who'll take you out for dinner, and buy you flowers, and make you a cup of tea and rub your shoulders when you've had a bad day at work. OK, maybe I'm being fanciful, I've never met one of them, but they are rumoured to exist. But someone who you can trust not to steal from you, and someone who'll at least be there for you would be a million times better than wasting your precious life with someone who just uses you, and does nothing but let you down and hurt you.
If you're waiting for him to sort his s*** out and be the person you thought he was, then you could be waiting a very very long time. How long have you got to waste? I think you've wasted enough already sweetheart...
love
Diff x
hi diff thanks for that the truth does hurt i think i am in denial i dont want to believe it the truth is i am addicted to him i cannot shrug him off or out of my system everytime i get through it and getting on with my life trying to forget him he contacts me out of the blue.On monday i went to york with a male friend of mine to put the ghosts to rest as my ex and i had slept rough in york when we first went there nearly 8 years ago we had no place to go and was on the streets anyway as i said i was in york monday and my friend and i came out of a pub and i couldnt believe it but my ex was sat on a bench near the pub but he didnt see us we walked past hiding then an hour later we was walking up a street ans i couldnt believe my eyes my ex and his guyfriend were walking up the same street i didnt recognise him till he got closer it was him that recognised me and said thats it as he walked past me probably as he thought i had a new boyfriend i feel lonely and sad and to be honest i dont think i can love anybody again as im still in love with him and until i fall out of love with him only then i can move on but i dont think it will ever happen
Unicorn it definately will feel now as if you can never move on and you feel wou probably never will and that you dont want to but the truth is its time to move on babe and am sure there will be someone extra special just waiting for a lovely girl like you. Trust me I am speaking from experience. You sum up all the good in the one you love but you forget all the bad because you truly love him so much but trust me hun he is taking advantage of your nice nature and as I have been told on here before an addict will tell you what you want to hear so as for your long conversations?? Not saying it aint all the truth but please dont be sucked into every word as I did. If you still want to be with him give him an ultimatum and if he breaks his promise then I personally think you should move on. I have been in a similar situation with my ex and am going through it once again with my partner but I am moving on. I wont put my life on hold for anyone. Your worth more sweatheart. You dont realise it yet but your worth so much more than this as am I? No one will ever be able to tell you what to do but we can only advise you and speaking from experience we all know what we are talking about. Not really much more I can say other than agree with what everyone else has said above.
Keep your chin up, be strong and most of all be happy. You dont need a man in your life to be happy, its what you make of life that matters.
Love BunnyRocker xx
Keep your chin up, be strong and most of all be happy. You dont need a man in your life to be happy, its what you make of life that matters.
Love BunnyRocker xx
Hi there unicorn, love is a law unto itself, ain't it? I dunno how old you are, but you sound pretty young to me. When I met the man I eventually married, I thought it was a love that could never die. But in the end it did. And he was one of the good guys! I understand that whilst you feel the way you do about him it's going to be difficult to let go. But just make sure you keep your eyes and your options open. Don't close yourself off to the possibility that you could meet somebody else and fall in love. And allow yourself to have fun and be with friends, coz everybody needs that.
I can't and won't judge you. I still believe in happy endings, and play make believe when the reality is too unpalatable to face. When everything at home is peaceful, I still kid myself that I've got the perfect family, when the bruises heal, I block out the memories, try to forget that he was still beating me when I was 8 months pregnant. That he chased me out on the street with a knife, barefoot, and in my shirtsleeves in the pouring rain with my poor old dog, without a penny in my pocket when I was about 5 months pregnant. That he lies to me. That he plays mindgames and enjoys messing with my head. I should hate him with every cell in my body, and I guess on some level I do. But I believe in fairy tales, and I guess you do too.
love
diff x
I can't and won't judge you. I still believe in happy endings, and play make believe when the reality is too unpalatable to face. When everything at home is peaceful, I still kid myself that I've got the perfect family, when the bruises heal, I block out the memories, try to forget that he was still beating me when I was 8 months pregnant. That he chased me out on the street with a knife, barefoot, and in my shirtsleeves in the pouring rain with my poor old dog, without a penny in my pocket when I was about 5 months pregnant. That he lies to me. That he plays mindgames and enjoys messing with my head. I should hate him with every cell in my body, and I guess on some level I do. But I believe in fairy tales, and I guess you do too.
love
diff x
Diff thats sooo sad. Am sorry to hear that. I suppose I also believed in hapy endings at one time but as time has gone on I have become impatient and now feel numb. I am scared I am loosing my feelings for my current partner. We have come through so much together. He has beat me, threw things at me, strangled me, spat at me etc and all because I was crying. I have never told this to anyone and I wont tell another sole. He only raised his hands once but it doesnt stop the fear when the arguments get out of control. Maybe this is why I am finding it hard to overcome what he is doing now. He blames depression and guilt for what he done but also another hidden secret which he cant get over is the fact that his father raped me. I actually knew his father before I knew him and his father knew him and I was 16 at the time and his father was with my mother. I find this so difficult to talk about but am feeling better already letting it out. I always thought for years that it was my fault because my mother said I was craving her partners affection. She stood by him and is still with him to this day. Funny situation really that my partner is kind of my step brother but he didnt even really no his dad when we met and we arent blood. Anyway moral of my story is he is using now and I tried to forgive him once again but I think everything has built up inside and I just think why be with him and put up with this unhappiness. He is never going to forget what his father done and in the long run I think it will always cause problems between me and him. I truly believe that couples can overcome anything with love but some just move on for the sake of a happy normal life. I dont think my love is strong enough anymore to stay together as much as I would like to persuade myself that we will stay together. Do you think we can get through this or do you think I should move on? After all I have only just realised now that its not just the addiction to heroin that is the problem.
I feel a million times better getting that off my chest! xx
I feel a million times better getting that off my chest! xx
Bunnyrocker, I think it's good that your feelings are dying. You should get a million miles away from him. The thing that stops most partners of addicts from setting themselves free is love. Get out whilst you can my dear.
