Hi Everyone,
I am the mother of a recovering addict (pain pills/meth/heroin). I am trying to get a grip on how I am feeling and don't really know how. Let me give you a little background, my daughter had back surgery and of course they gave her pain meds to deal with the pain, then came going from hospital to hospital for Denloten shots etc. etc. She was in the military and was forced to go to rehab 3 x's then she ended up getting medically discharged/retired as they will have to cover her medically for the rest of her life as it was an injury that happened in the military. So this all started about four years ago. I went to all the rehabs and meetings in a different state whenever asked to go. After she got out things went from bad to OMG in a spit second...that's when the meth/heroin started. Finally I couldn't have her in my house anymore...I didn't kick her out per say...but would not let her in my house if she was using at all...she choose to use so she was not welcome home. She lived here there and everywhere with "friends" NOT! Things were awful the fear of not seeing my daughter again, the fear of her getting arrested, but the worst fear of course was NEVER seeing her again. That fear was the worse as I am sure you all know. She finally went and stole from me...I let her USE my phone and then all of a sudden my husband gets a text from someone stating she had his wives phone. Needless to say that was my breaking point, I went straight to the police and presses charges on my OWN daughter! It made me feel like the worse parent In the world. Anyway that's when my sister stopped helping her as well. She was alone with no one but her "friends"
FINALLY she calls my sister and said she needed help, so my sister picks her up and brings her home to me and she really really means it!! She said she realized she was losing everyone she cared about but mostly herself and knew she was going to end up dead if she didn't get the help she now wanted and needed!!! As soon as she got home SHE called rehabs and finally found one and the next day she was gone off to start her recovery. After the rehab she didn't fell safe to come back home, SHE calls and finds a halfway house in a different state and goes there! I am proud to say she is now on her own (well with a boyfriend) living in a room in a regular house and has 7 months clean & sober, paying her bills first thing and started college and getting good grades!
NOW here is what I don't understand at all, I am now feeling angry and sadness and I have no idea how to deal with this! I should be the happiest Mother of all. But I have never been away from my daughter for this long and I can't afford to go see her and nor can she afford to come see me. I started counciling this week. I went to a drug & alcohol rehab to see why I am feeling this way, he told me that there is no right or wrong way to feel, that I needed to go to more meetings and reach out to others who have children in recovery to know that I am not alone. I feel like I am a HORRIBLE mother, I know for sure that I am proud of her and happy to have her in recovery. My fears are killing me though what if she slips and I don't get to see and hold MY daughter not the addict. I feel jealous of her sponsor who is now getting to enjoy her recovery. It's kind of like hey what about US the ones who were there through all the bad all the fears all the sleepless night??? I feel like this is all wrong and I am horrible for feeling this way...but the councilor said it is NOT wrong and others feel this pain as well. Please someone help me!!
Thanks for listening!
OUR addicted kids are very selfish. Living with the addictive behaviour for so long robs us of most of our self respect for tolerating what they dish out to us. We find ourselves lost in the misery our lives have become, no joy, no hope and always second guessing how we cope with their addictions. When it comes time to focus on us we find that we no longer are coping with the simple things that used to come automatic to us. We are constantly trying to cope and understand the dynamics of addiction to the point of losing who we once where and failing to understand what has become of us. Focus on you. Own your feelings but let go of all that negativity. Perhaps living minute by minute and forcing ourselves to focus on us is the ticket to enter the new world of parents of addicts. We didn't cause this and we cant cure it but we can dig deep and find who we have become and learn to accept the new normal and hope for the best.....hope is ultimately what we are lacking but understanding that hope for our own lives is all we can work towards is key to our own recovery. I think our addicted kids do love us and we recent becoming second to a drug but hold onto the love and know that you are just as important and your life needs to go forward too. You can do this and places like this forum will help. I wish the best for all of us.
Hello, I think I sometimes have similar feelings. It is just a little bit of sadness or melcholy that creeps in. Feeling sad that your child was in such a sad place when they were using. Sad that years were missed out on. Sad that we arent one big happy family. So it becomes Happy for today. Happy that everything is in it's rightful place. But sad for the past and sad for the future - because there is no guarantee.
I think I am feeling more like this as I am getting older (over 50)
There was a movie about erasing the memories in our brain. Sometimes I wish I could do that.
On this post I have talked of my son and of my daughter in different posts. both were addicted. I have a third daughter who is not. (far from it) My daughter was addicted for a short time, about 2 years. My son was addicted longer . it could be 6 years, but he was under the radar, fully functioning at full time jobs. until the last two years when it all became un manageable. He went to rehab, then hwhouse, now rents a room. were not sure if he is using. if he is it would be minimum as he does not make much $$, and he is still working.
My daughter ran over her dog in the driveway when she was 18. The dog died. It was only 1 1/2 years old. One of those gifts. (Maybe if she has a dog she wont use. her quote - if I had a dog I could run at the park and I wouldnt need these s***ty friends.) She was using during the time and rushing out to go to college classes. my daughter joined the military after we kicked her out and she was sleeping on friends couch without a job for a few months. SHE decided she wanted more than that. SHE decided she wanted what the military could offer.
This is a sadness I always have,. It happened about 5 years ago, but I still feel sad for the dog.
I think the sadness comes from knowing that things dont stay the same. we dont know what the next year will bring.
Plan for the future. Save your dollars for a visit to your daughter. Talk to her often on the phone. See if you can voice some of your sadness to her. ask her if she is ok talking about it.
It might help if you forgive each other. Watch the airline tickets for the cheap price sales. You have to be flexible to go whatever time the cheap prices are. Go for a long weekend. or a few days during the week. It does not have to be a long trip. You can do this for less than $1000 per person.
my daughter does apologize for the past.
Hope this helps!
I think I am feeling more like this as I am getting older (over 50)
There was a movie about erasing the memories in our brain. Sometimes I wish I could do that.
On this post I have talked of my son and of my daughter in different posts. both were addicted. I have a third daughter who is not. (far from it) My daughter was addicted for a short time, about 2 years. My son was addicted longer . it could be 6 years, but he was under the radar, fully functioning at full time jobs. until the last two years when it all became un manageable. He went to rehab, then hwhouse, now rents a room. were not sure if he is using. if he is it would be minimum as he does not make much $$, and he is still working.
My daughter ran over her dog in the driveway when she was 18. The dog died. It was only 1 1/2 years old. One of those gifts. (Maybe if she has a dog she wont use. her quote - if I had a dog I could run at the park and I wouldnt need these s***ty friends.) She was using during the time and rushing out to go to college classes. my daughter joined the military after we kicked her out and she was sleeping on friends couch without a job for a few months. SHE decided she wanted more than that. SHE decided she wanted what the military could offer.
This is a sadness I always have,. It happened about 5 years ago, but I still feel sad for the dog.
I think the sadness comes from knowing that things dont stay the same. we dont know what the next year will bring.
Plan for the future. Save your dollars for a visit to your daughter. Talk to her often on the phone. See if you can voice some of your sadness to her. ask her if she is ok talking about it.
It might help if you forgive each other. Watch the airline tickets for the cheap price sales. You have to be flexible to go whatever time the cheap prices are. Go for a long weekend. or a few days during the week. It does not have to be a long trip. You can do this for less than $1000 per person.
my daughter does apologize for the past.
Hope this helps!
I think we all have a need to be needed, to be of relevance to someone or something.
As our kids develop into adults and their dependence upon us wanes, it's not uncommon for parents to experience the "empty nest" syndrome.
Also, as we age we become naturally less active. With a decrease in our activities comes more time to reflect upon the past as well as the future. This also increases the opportunity to fixate on things we can't control, as well as allowing worrying to set in.
I would suggest becoming much more active in the things you like to do.
Also, find something else to fixate on when those negative, worrisome thoughts (of any kind, daughter or not) creep in.
For instance, when I sense that thoughts of my addict son start creeping in, I'll recognize it, and intentionally shift my thoughts to something else before those worrisome thoughts can grow into something like depression.
You can't change or control what path your daughter chooses, but you can control how you emotionally respond to it.
Be careful that you don't allow stinking thinking to become your own drug of choice ;-)
As our kids develop into adults and their dependence upon us wanes, it's not uncommon for parents to experience the "empty nest" syndrome.
Also, as we age we become naturally less active. With a decrease in our activities comes more time to reflect upon the past as well as the future. This also increases the opportunity to fixate on things we can't control, as well as allowing worrying to set in.
I would suggest becoming much more active in the things you like to do.
Also, find something else to fixate on when those negative, worrisome thoughts (of any kind, daughter or not) creep in.
For instance, when I sense that thoughts of my addict son start creeping in, I'll recognize it, and intentionally shift my thoughts to something else before those worrisome thoughts can grow into something like depression.
You can't change or control what path your daughter chooses, but you can control how you emotionally respond to it.
Be careful that you don't allow stinking thinking to become your own drug of choice ;-)
The disease of addiction not only drives the addict crazy but also everyone they come in contact with - especially those who care for/about the addict/alcoholic.
It truly is a family disease.
AA & NA can help the addict/alcoholic and Al-Anon & Nar-Anon will help family and friends.
All the best.
Bob R
It truly is a family disease.
AA & NA can help the addict/alcoholic and Al-Anon & Nar-Anon will help family and friends.
All the best.
Bob R
