As a woman in recovery ( 29 yrs) I realize the toll it has taken on my 5 children. The 1st 5 years of struggling to stay sober I had to focus on the day to day support of AA and a tough minded mentor. It was only after those 5 years that my kids slowly began to trust me again, but that was never anything that I forced. Now that I'm a certified addictions specialist and a licensed family therapist, I can look back on my struggles and be very empathetic towards the families I work with in my recovery coaching. I have tried to approach this with great humility, as I had lost custody of my children when they were young. This disease of addiction takes with it not just the soul of the addict, but the trust and love of those who love them. I completed my memoir 2 years ago and in some ways it was cathartic to write, although very emotionally draining. I would be interested in reading some comments from recovering people and how having their families be a part of their recovery journey has helped them all heal together.
For me, the answer is fairly simple. When the alcoholic/addict needs emotional relief they can turn to a mind-altering substance. The loved ones end up with many of the consequences. Their good days or bad days are usually dependent on how the addict/alcoholic is doing - in other words they are addicted to the addict. This is my definition of codepdency.
I believe codepdents need a "program" just like the drunk or addict. They will learn that they are powerless over someone else's addiction. They can learn to love with detachment and create & maintain healthy boundaries.
In terms of how to "patch" things up with children of adult addicts in recovery: That is part of step 8 and 9. If you cheated or stole money from someone, it is a little easier to make ammends. You pay your debts. With Children it is a lifelong journey to be the best and sobert parent as possible. it may take many years, but I bet they'll learn to forgive.
I am the child of an alcoholic mother who attended AA but never worked the steps. Later in life I became an alcoholic. Prior to my fall, I held onto many resentments towards my mom. As I got older, I realized my entry into recovery was quick (compared to many people who stay drunk for decades) and I now credit my mother for showing me that recovery is possiboe. We are now very close.
I believe codepdents need a "program" just like the drunk or addict. They will learn that they are powerless over someone else's addiction. They can learn to love with detachment and create & maintain healthy boundaries.
In terms of how to "patch" things up with children of adult addicts in recovery: That is part of step 8 and 9. If you cheated or stole money from someone, it is a little easier to make ammends. You pay your debts. With Children it is a lifelong journey to be the best and sobert parent as possible. it may take many years, but I bet they'll learn to forgive.
I am the child of an alcoholic mother who attended AA but never worked the steps. Later in life I became an alcoholic. Prior to my fall, I held onto many resentments towards my mom. As I got older, I realized my entry into recovery was quick (compared to many people who stay drunk for decades) and I now credit my mother for showing me that recovery is possiboe. We are now very close.
