Back during the summer, I knew I wanted to get off of the drugs once and for all. I made a decision that after the one-year anniversary of Chuck's death would be the time I would finally quit.
Then I met someone who I saw as a potential mate. He had been a casual acquaintance for several months but I suddenly saw him as something much more special than that. Me being in active addiction was a deal-breaker for him. I didn't necessarily quit "for him"...but he certainly was an added incentive.
And I would like to add that he has proven to be a very good addition to my life. He's been so supportive of me and my sons...through my grief and through my addiction issues. He has set healthy boundaries in the relationship which he will not allow me to cross. (Which I desperately need, due to my past relationship experiences.) That has taught me how to be more self-sufficient which, in turn, has helped my self-esteem and confidence level immensely.
Not to mention how awesome it feels to be free from the bondage of my pill usage. That's been, by far, the best reward and the most liberating feeling.
But now...now this is a bit of a rough patch for me. In 6 days it will be the one year anniversary. I am now in that time frame where I keep thinking, "This time last year..." I have been pretty successful in talking myself down from anxiety. But now, no matter how much I keep telling myself it's just another day on the calendar, it's a struggle. No matter how successful I am at clearing those thoughts from my mind, it's like my heart and every cell of my body can feel the tension...the "this time last year" thinking. Every nerve in my body feels hyper-sensitive right now.
And I'm not numb anymore.
I will get through this...without using. I don't have anything available to me anyways. I just wanted to share. This is why I wanted to wait to quit. But I also know that there is never a good time. Once the one year comes and goes, I know there would have been another "good" reason to wait just a little bit longer.
(It certainly doesn't help that Chris' Mom just passed away 2 days ago...from cancer. Talk about cruel timing.)
I am already so much stronger than I was 3 months ago. Sometimes being strong means being able to just let your guard down and feel the pain. I'm not running from it anymore. I'm going to feel it. I'm going to get through it. I'm going to survive it.
Three months is amazing Jodi. See what you can do when you put your mind to something. I know that anniversarys can be very hard. My Mom used to get down around that time of the year as well. There is nothing you can do but take it a day at a time. It seems you will be busy with your friends moms funeral and viewing.
My suggestion is to keep yourself busy and try not to push the feelings aside. It's okay to be sad for a few days. Have you been going to any meetings or therapy? Sharing at meetings always makes me feel better. Remember you are always welcome at NA or AA. You don't have to commit to going every day or every week. Anytime you show up will be of benefit to you and to others.
Hope you are making out better with your son as well.
My suggestion is to keep yourself busy and try not to push the feelings aside. It's okay to be sad for a few days. Have you been going to any meetings or therapy? Sharing at meetings always makes me feel better. Remember you are always welcome at NA or AA. You don't have to commit to going every day or every week. Anytime you show up will be of benefit to you and to others.
Hope you are making out better with your son as well.
You are my hero Jodi.
I've always been told that the only way out is through. I used to think that it was cryptic bs, but now I understand it.
I've always been told that the only way out is through. I used to think that it was cryptic bs, but now I understand it.
Dear Jodi....sometimes even now...Ill read one of your post...and you really amaze me.I read back & see just what youve gone through...both relationship wise & addiction wise...and believe it or not,even though weve never met....you have a way of helping me pull my head out of my bum.Whenever I start that self pity thing that I do....all need to do is read some of your post.
I read the pain,the struggle & how youve finally gotten some sort of control in your life.Jodi you do set the bar high for some of us.
Now as far as allowing yourself to feel the pain...dont you realize THAT alone shows just how far youve come.And that day...huny it isnt just a day...maybe it will NEVER be just a day.BUT you can look at it as a day that YOU started a new life because to be honest....I feel you did.Addiction and a bad relationship have alot in common & I think no matter how far we've come...a part of us will always have those relationships tucked away somewhere in our memory.If it wasnt for either you wouldnt be who you are...None of us would be.Its the past that helps us become who we will become/
Anyways (lately I babble on here sorry)
\I just wanted to send some kind heartfelt words to you.I wont say your my hero...but I will tell you you have helped me in many ways without even knowing.
I always have & always will wish you nothing but the best life has to offer...,and it looks like you will not allow yourself to settle for anything less
love mj
I read the pain,the struggle & how youve finally gotten some sort of control in your life.Jodi you do set the bar high for some of us.
Now as far as allowing yourself to feel the pain...dont you realize THAT alone shows just how far youve come.And that day...huny it isnt just a day...maybe it will NEVER be just a day.BUT you can look at it as a day that YOU started a new life because to be honest....I feel you did.Addiction and a bad relationship have alot in common & I think no matter how far we've come...a part of us will always have those relationships tucked away somewhere in our memory.If it wasnt for either you wouldnt be who you are...None of us would be.Its the past that helps us become who we will become/
Anyways (lately I babble on here sorry)
\I just wanted to send some kind heartfelt words to you.I wont say your my hero...but I will tell you you have helped me in many ways without even knowing.
I always have & always will wish you nothing but the best life has to offer...,and it looks like you will not allow yourself to settle for anything less
love mj
Jodi,
I will keep you in my prayers and ask for you to be graced with the courage & the strength to go through the anniversary date with some peace.
You are a miracle.
God bless,
Stacey
I will keep you in my prayers and ask for you to be graced with the courage & the strength to go through the anniversary date with some peace.
You are a miracle.
God bless,
Stacey
Jodi,
You are doing great! First of all congrats on your time. Second your doing something huge here. Be patient and kind to yourself. I am wondering if you are experiencing P.A.W.S. I think you are managing it as it suggests. It talks about recognizing it, verbalizing and formulating a plan. You are ahead of the curve. Sounds like to me you have done pretty darn good in your recovery process. Treat yourself like you would a good friend going through the same thing. Do something nice for yourself, even if it is just a few minutes alone to grieve on your own terms in your own way.
Much love and respect,
You are doing great! First of all congrats on your time. Second your doing something huge here. Be patient and kind to yourself. I am wondering if you are experiencing P.A.W.S. I think you are managing it as it suggests. It talks about recognizing it, verbalizing and formulating a plan. You are ahead of the curve. Sounds like to me you have done pretty darn good in your recovery process. Treat yourself like you would a good friend going through the same thing. Do something nice for yourself, even if it is just a few minutes alone to grieve on your own terms in your own way.
Much love and respect,
I am feeling much better today which, honestly, surprises me. I thought that every minute of the next 9 days (up until the 15th...the day of the funeral) would be pure hell. Now I realize that I can still have some really good moments mixed in with the bad. I'm going to enjoy and appreciate the good and ride out the bad.
See? I got through a really rough day and now I am that much stronger and feel more accomplished because of it.
This good feeling could change at any given moment. Especially since I am attending Chris' mom's funeral mass today and the wake tomorrow. But that's okay.
I have a few really great friends and several family members I can count on and I am so grateful for that. For today, I choose to appreciate all that I have to be grateful for...and I do have a lot...instead of dwelling on what I don't have. I'm finding out that that is a much better way to live! :)
By the way, I can't believe the positive thoughts and words that have been coming from me lately. You would have never known it but I've always been a glass-half-full person. I was just surrounded with so much negativity that it was a struggle to keep a good attitude. I am excited about life and my future now. I almost can't wait to see the things I am going to accomplish in the second half of my life!!
Thank you to all of my friends here for never giving up on me. You saw something in me that I couldn't see for myself. You knew I was worth the effort. I'm starting to see my own worth now. And it's an amazing feeling.
See? I got through a really rough day and now I am that much stronger and feel more accomplished because of it.
This good feeling could change at any given moment. Especially since I am attending Chris' mom's funeral mass today and the wake tomorrow. But that's okay.
I have a few really great friends and several family members I can count on and I am so grateful for that. For today, I choose to appreciate all that I have to be grateful for...and I do have a lot...instead of dwelling on what I don't have. I'm finding out that that is a much better way to live! :)
By the way, I can't believe the positive thoughts and words that have been coming from me lately. You would have never known it but I've always been a glass-half-full person. I was just surrounded with so much negativity that it was a struggle to keep a good attitude. I am excited about life and my future now. I almost can't wait to see the things I am going to accomplish in the second half of my life!!
Thank you to all of my friends here for never giving up on me. You saw something in me that I couldn't see for myself. You knew I was worth the effort. I'm starting to see my own worth now. And it's an amazing feeling.
I'm very happy for you Jodi. You said alot when you said you will ride out the good with the bad. I think thats what they mean by "life on lifes terms". Congratulations and I think you will do fine tomorrow. Sometimes funerals bring back our own loses and that is hard. In this case you need to be supportive of someone else and I'm sure you'll do just fine.
Jodi,
When I read your latest post, my thought was how very lucky Chris is to have you to help him through this.....you are a wonderful friend and as difficult as it might be, it truly is awesome to see you walking through this and helping your friend....maybe there will be some healing for both of you, doing this together...
May God be with you & Chris today & tomorrow...
xoxo
Stacey
When I read your latest post, my thought was how very lucky Chris is to have you to help him through this.....you are a wonderful friend and as difficult as it might be, it truly is awesome to see you walking through this and helping your friend....maybe there will be some healing for both of you, doing this together...
May God be with you & Chris today & tomorrow...
xoxo
Stacey