Why Is It....

that we sometimes, eventually go back to taking pills? I'm clean right now and the last few days I've felt really happy. Not chemcially induced happy, but really happy. I've been funny and personable and all the things I thought I needed those damn pills for.

My entire family told me today they like me SO much better sober. They said there is a huge differnece between who I am taking the pils and who I am not taking pills. They say after the withdrawls are over, I seem to like life, them and myself much better. I'm happier, easier to get along with and not crabby when I"m out of pills.

I feel good today. But I know if I had pills in my pocket, I would take them, needed or not. What gives?

I'm now seeing a therapist of my own. Only been twice, but I'm optomistic about it. She is on my side! I can be honest and tell her EVERY little thing and not only does no one find out about it but she will still be on my side!!

I hate addiction. I hate that I feel so good but know if I dont pay close attention I will right back where I started...

Sometimes I like my profession others times I dont. My hubby suggested maybe I look into being a drug counselor because I have professed desire to do so in the past..

Just wonderings..

Kelly
Kelly,

I can only tell you from my experience why I have relapsed, taken those damn pills in the pocket...

Because it was easy and I was lazy and didn't give a hoot about self control at all or who I was hurting along the way. Didn't practice it in a whole lot of areas in my life. Yep just do what i felt like and hang the consequences...I'll deal with it later....

Mental laziness and selfishness on my part, and that's all I can relate is my own experience.....Sheesh, how embarassing....
Staying clean really is the tough part, Kelly. We think getting through wd's is, but that's not the case. That's why we need tools to help us stay clean. We need f2f support, people to call when a craving hits. We have to set up all of our safety nets so drugs aren't within reach when we're feeling weak.
For a long time we used pills for everything. Happy? take a pill (or 3), upset, angry, tired, lonely, frustrated, just any old emotion will do.
A very valuable tool is ratting on your disease. Are those pills calling you? Quick! tell somebody. Amazing how that helps.
I can also assure you that in time those cravings become few and far between. Btw, you'll notice a craving only lasts a couple of minutes. Ride it out and poof...it's gone.
Never stop reaching out. We're only a pill away from active addiction again, we can't afford to forget those things. Your disease will whisper all kinds of things to you.
One won't hurt.
Nobody will ever know.
I can handle it.
I really need/deserve one, look at all I've accomplished
Be prepared cause you're going to hear those things.
xxxxxoooooo
Kat I used to think getting clean was the hard part.. NOT so.. I was clean for over 6 months before.. This time its been just a over a month since I've used anything. Staying clean is the hard I'm figuring out.

When you get past the initial high of being clean and feeling wondferful about it, then the cravings and the whisperings begin. I know that from last time. I"m really ready to be done with this whole pill thing. Paying close attention to how my life is now, compared to how it is, using, I know its time, overdue if you ask me..

I am scared though. I know I have to stay clean longer than 6 months. If I"m already having whispers now, I now it will get worse before it gets better. I'm hoping with individual therapy and having all 4 kids and making time for the gym, I'll be to busy to think about it to long. I'm also hitting as many meetings as is humanly possible with my schedule.. I'm going to keep that up and try to increase it actally..

I think its just past habit and past practices that keep me in the clutches of active addiction... I KNOW what I need to do, I just need to apply it and mean it...

:)

Happy Mothers Day

Kelly
Don't be scared, Kelly. It might not get worse at all. You're doing all the right things.
You're going to make it this time!!!
If you get a whisper, come tell me. If you can find me, find somebody. We'll kick some whisper a**.
>smile<
xxxxooooo
why is it that i think that life sux
I am definitly learning to use my resources which include people at my meetings and here... Hell even my hairdresser, the best in the west, has 13 years clean and has offered her private home number which few people get.. Her prices are higher than most people in LA.. However, I get a discount and wonderful fellowship because I"m an addict. She gives all us addicts discount prices.... A $175 haircut, I get for $50... Most people that go there, costs them past 300 $ to get their hair colored,, I get mine for way less than 200$. In Marin County that kind of prices are few and far between.. THis is the most expensive county in the entire state.. Worse than LA.... She is great...

I know all the right tools... I knew them last time too, just chose NOT to use them.. This time, I'm tired, sick and tired of being sick and tired... As my hubby reminded me, last time after the first month, I didnt even have as bad back pain.. Motrin covered it... This morning in the shower, it was bad.,.. Pain shooting down my leg from my back.. I kept telling myself it wasnt real. Sure there was some pain, but it was the addict in me that was telling me I had pain greater than motrin could deal with.... In less than an hour, it was gone... So far, the rst of the day, nada...

If truly is frightening the length this disease will go to to get us back to using.. I never really believed before it WAS a disease, I just thought me and everybody else was weak.. Boy have I changed my mind!!!

So tonight as I'm getting ready to go to bed. I have no pain, I'm happy, my family is looking at me thru those hopefull big eyes that say to me, Please mama, wifey,, stay clean.. We like/love you so much better this way... I have MY heart saying the same thing...

Hubby's parents are really private.. I just found out hubby's dad is a horrible addict... I've thought all along hubby didnt have any experience with addiction.. He didnt think he did either.. He just realized recently about his father and put tow and two together... Says he understands his whole childhood.. His dad was an alchoholic before his horrible car accident now is a pill head like me... He must have hid it well or I wasnt ready to see it... I looked at him last night at a cancer society benefit and was horrified... I thought to myself,,, Kelly, this is how YOUR family has seen you, not to unrecently...,. I watched him all night and prayed to my god and everyone else's I would be able to stay clean... If my family has to deal with me acting like that in PUBLIC, I woudlnt blame any of them for bouncing....

I am really trying here... My HP has to give me creidt for that? Doesnt he or she??

Kelly
Your higher power is right there with you. Just keep in touch with Him.
You're making it and I'm very proud of you.

Life sucks for us all sometimes, Skeeter. It's all about perception. We can look at it with new eyes and see it a new way. Tomorrow you'll probably think life is really cool.

xxxooooo nite all
hi kelly..................happy mothers day.........................

skeeterrrrrrrrrrrr...................i love you....................................

kat..........................i love to read your post.......................
you are so wise..............................God gave you a gift to post.........
luv u.........................................................................all.............thumper
I learned in AA

HALT hungry, angry, lonely, tired, is when people pick up again..

and they speak of the pink cloud,, you are happy on top of the world and you know you can take just one. or two.. well we can but we know where we came from to get to that pink cloud that needs to be in our most fore thought.

All I know in the short time I have been clean, and now off subutex my mind is clear, I still have short term memory, but that will fade within time. when using and taking more and more to keep from getting sick, i.e. WD's, trust me anyone that says they get high or a buzz at 20 pills and more a day I have question that.

I think we could use any words fitting to us that would HALT us from using..

Once I am over the WD of the sub I will tell my story and maybe it will educate others as to what these pills do to us. What we allow them to do to us. Then the disease takes over with long term use is how they explained it in detox and IOP... I am not convinced yet of the disease part, but I am not dismissing it either.

and I am going to pose this question, to think on.

I asked this same ? in detox/doctor/counselor. Their answer was the same as above, it because a disease over time.

My counter to that was, I would never take a pain pill ever, even after major surgery unless my mom or someone was with me, I was scared to death of them, before the migraines started, and the reason, I never did anything that would mess with my mind or take control over it. Then the migraines started, same thing nope not going to take pain pills, I did not like the way they made me feel, vomit, dizzy, etc.

But god only knows what happened along the line when the pain started, and here I am..

so is this something I have always had but never knew it, or did it become one with time, and if so why didn't I start taking pain pills for fun and to get high prior to my migraines? If this is a disease?

Everyones thoughts?

Great Topic kelly...