oops, sorry for double post, but i misposted this.
i have been straight since 1st week of august, 8 weeks. prior to that I was 100% pothead, on and off for 30 yrs. of course, i have had quite a few stretches of being clean, 2 months is nothing for me. usually i last a year or so. then a need, cravings, builds up inside, day by day, and i need release, and oh, how sweet it is when i go back, it takes immediate full control of me and i do okay for a month or two, then it wears me down and takes away so much of my being.
some might call me focused, when i'm off the weed, i can be a very powerful person, full of good ideas and good work(seriously), and i'm not too bad even when i'm on the weed. this last month has proved it. i've been a good boy this last month. i am living the live i should live! no longer a wharf rat. it's been a nice change.
what made me think to post it that my wife told me that my teenage daughters said to her yesterday, dad is so different since August, he smiles alot more and is just so much better to be around, but he is so hyper, (i have been!), they wanted to know if i was on something. ha ha, they have no idea that good ole 47 yr old dad is a full out pot head, with one-hitter in pocket, the master of the quick, sneaky high!
a few funny things happened around the household this summer, and i let some of my daughters behavior slip by, i think i felt guilty about that. but fortunately i cleaned up, just in time. hope it lasts! for those of your living in addiction, hope and pray(even if you don't believe in a true god, hopefully you accept at least that their are subtle forces about this universe), that you will snap out of it. while you are at it, say a little something that i'll be able to stay on this side of the door! -
i almost hate to post or come here, because my life has been so full, i haven't even thought of the weed.
HardCharger
harcharger-
was thinking of you as i'm a few days behind you this go-around, approaching week -8-.
i have similar feelings to what you wrote and i think your post is needed to remind us all about what is on the other side of the 'door'. though i'm clean, i'm not there yet, but i can say i too am living a more honest life with a new awareness. it's a start. thank you for posting. i'm glad you are doing well and that your life is going well.
please keep posting when you want to, when you can. it really does matter and makes a huge difference to me and i'm sure others as well.
for the greater good, onward!
best,
jojo
was thinking of you as i'm a few days behind you this go-around, approaching week -8-.
i have similar feelings to what you wrote and i think your post is needed to remind us all about what is on the other side of the 'door'. though i'm clean, i'm not there yet, but i can say i too am living a more honest life with a new awareness. it's a start. thank you for posting. i'm glad you are doing well and that your life is going well.
please keep posting when you want to, when you can. it really does matter and makes a huge difference to me and i'm sure others as well.
for the greater good, onward!
best,
jojo
I have posted here before, and would like to repeat some of my insights. I am a cocaine addict, but used weed as my second DOC for about 15 years.
Cocaine made my life chaotic, it collapsed in on me. The struggle I had/have with weed is that it seems like all is okay when I was using. So I could get to work, carry on a normal life etc. Except once I stopped smoking it, I suddenly found I was a very, very different person. For the better.
What keepsd me off it (9 months free of coke, booze and weed) is that I have been able to find a fulfilled life without. I feel I have not lost anything, but live much fuller life now.
I know you are not big on 12 step programmes - but my experience has been that many of the underlying issues and resentments I had that kept me in the need of being chemically altered are adressed by my stepwork.
I also found a very strong identity in being a pot head. It was part of my identification with "other" and one of my fears about stopping drugs was that I was just a normal ordinary/boring mid thirties middle class wife 2 kids guy. I mean come on - how benign is that.
However I have found myslef to be who I truly am since giving up the weed. Just cos I do not smoke joints does not mean I am not interesting, or have become totally mainstream. I have found an identity that is more truew to me - without all the dullness that comes from weed. My pothead friends are not thAat interesting anyway. Instead being slaves to a mortage they are slaves to a chemical. How out there and interesting is that!
Anyway, that is my share. Thanks
Keep doing what you doing cos it seems to be working
Calabash
Cocaine made my life chaotic, it collapsed in on me. The struggle I had/have with weed is that it seems like all is okay when I was using. So I could get to work, carry on a normal life etc. Except once I stopped smoking it, I suddenly found I was a very, very different person. For the better.
What keepsd me off it (9 months free of coke, booze and weed) is that I have been able to find a fulfilled life without. I feel I have not lost anything, but live much fuller life now.
I know you are not big on 12 step programmes - but my experience has been that many of the underlying issues and resentments I had that kept me in the need of being chemically altered are adressed by my stepwork.
I also found a very strong identity in being a pot head. It was part of my identification with "other" and one of my fears about stopping drugs was that I was just a normal ordinary/boring mid thirties middle class wife 2 kids guy. I mean come on - how benign is that.
However I have found myslef to be who I truly am since giving up the weed. Just cos I do not smoke joints does not mean I am not interesting, or have become totally mainstream. I have found an identity that is more truew to me - without all the dullness that comes from weed. My pothead friends are not thAat interesting anyway. Instead being slaves to a mortage they are slaves to a chemical. How out there and interesting is that!
Anyway, that is my share. Thanks
Keep doing what you doing cos it seems to be working
Calabash
hey now jojojones, maybe we can kick this thing for a bit! keep at it.
lotsa wisdom in that post calabash. the wind is blowing behind me...it's been nice. no regets, missed some stuff, but seem to have weathered it all pretty fine. (only weed for me for many yrs), i'm alchy too, but have accepted it'll kill me for many yrs.
lotsa wisdom in that post calabash. the wind is blowing behind me...it's been nice. no regets, missed some stuff, but seem to have weathered it all pretty fine. (only weed for me for many yrs), i'm alchy too, but have accepted it'll kill me for many yrs.
My false confidence is going to kill me. But I've cut waaaaaay back, that counts for something !!!
It is so good to hear how well you are all doing ! I want some of that ! :-)
It is so good to hear how well you are all doing ! I want some of that ! :-)
